Oh dear
"Let's make some Middle East puns!"
"Are you being Syria-s? That's ridiculous"
(Blobbo, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 2:40, Reply)

Israel
"Hey, have you been to Tel Aviv?"
"No, why?"
"I hear Israeli good!"
(Blobbo, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 2:36, 1 reply)

Investments
I invested a load of money in a distillery... ended up losing the lot. Silly me. Should have known it would be a whisky investment.
(Blobbo, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 2:35, Reply)

Too late for the Dad Joke QOTW.
(snip)

I keep trying to post this, but it only prints the last six lines or so. Anyone know what's going on?
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 2:14, 1 reply)

A Woman Goes To The Doctors

"Doctor, I'm really worried. My pussy is singing" she said

"OK" says the doctor "Drop you knickers and get on the couch"

So the woman does and the doctor examines her. Sure enough, out of her pussy he can hear:

"Man United, Man United - we'll support you ever more......."

"Ah" says the doctor "It's nothing to worry about. Loads of cunts sing that...."


Chees
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 1:25, 1 reply)

All the name ones out there?
If not:

What do you call a woman standing between two goal posts?

Annette.

What do you call a Scotsman who's lost his dog?

Douglas.

What do you call a man standing in front of a pelican?

Bill.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 1:07, Reply)

A Fine Meal
I was in a shady Italian restaurant recently. I didn't think much of their garlic bread and said as much to the waiter. He apologised, and said that he promised the spaghetti bolognaise would be much better, being the chef's speciality.

It came (at last), and to my surprise there was a lime balanced on top of a quivering mound of scarlet sauce, lashings of beef, and glistening pasta. I ate it all, leaving the unusual topping in place, and enjoyed it immensely.

When asked if I had enjoyed my meal, I replied that it was sublime.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 1:01, Reply)

Two cows standing in a field.

Which one is going on holiday?



The one with the wee calf.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 0:50, Reply)

Shark!
A shark was swimming through the sea when he spotted a squid sneezing. As quick as a flash he grabbed it and took it his mate, the killer whale.

"Here's that sick squid I owe you"

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 0:40, Reply)

I was a circumsizers assistant,
The pay wasn't good, but I got to keep the tips.

Boom tish!
(Pill Popper Thank you Sasha Shulgin, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 0:38, 1 reply)

My Mate
is a mushroom.

Great bloke. Always gets the drinks in, always cracking jokes.

Yup - he's a fungi to be around.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 0:26, 1 reply)

Does this count as a pun?
Twas about a year ago and me and a couple of chaps were in a wetherspoons in Birmingham (Square Peg if anybody is local, I know, shit hole).

Now it was a Saturday night and a couple of chaps had been out the night before and so were talking about the events which had happened.

My one friend was quite incensed how he was dancing and one girl was being particularly rough with him, pulling his hair and shirt.

He then went on to say that she ripped his shirt down the middle exposing his chest and how he looked like Tom Jones.

Within a split second I butted in and said "Its Not Unusual".

I got a round of applause and didn't have to buy another drink that evening.
(PassTheKhat, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 0:25, 1 reply)

They Found Maddie!!

Apparently she was hiding on top of Jade Goody.


Police said it was virgin on the ridiculous.

Ticket to Hull please.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 0:24, 2 replies)

So this mallard walks into a doctor's office
and goes "QUACK!"

The enraged doctor throws her stethoscope at the slanderer, then realises her mistake and shouts "DUCK!"

Later, she goes out for a chinese meal. She places her order and before long, another mallard waddles over with a rose in its beak. The bird drops the flower on the doc's plate and says to her "your eyes are like stars sparkling in the sky, your beauty is enchanting"

The doctor calls over the waiter and says "There's been a mistake, I ordered aromatic duck"

Finally, has anyone noticed how much ducks sound like they're laughing? Perhaps they also enjoy quacking a joke.

Anyone know any more duck jokes?
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 0:20, 3 replies)

Q: What's the difference between oral and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week.
( schizophrenic_sheep, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 0:18, Reply)

Given the job of headline writer on the school newspaper!
It didn't last long. When looking at a story about how a certain teacher was taking a group of pupils on a three day trip that ended at the zoo, I came up with (name changed obviously)

"Mr Smith climaxes in zoo"

It never got through the net and I was told that my job was no longer mine!
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 0:17, Reply)

Not really a pun as such...
... but shit happens

There once was a young mouse called Keith
Who would circumcise boys with his teeth
He didn't do it for leisure
Or sexual pleasure
But to get to the cheese underneath

Hi thank yaw
(Smaug rocked out with his cock out on:, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:38, Reply)

Fuck this
EDIT: I've just realised this has already been posted many, many times already so I've edited it:

Last time I entered a pun competition, I entered TEN classic puns, hoping one might win

Last time I read this pun competition, the "no pun in ten did" pun had been entered more than ten times in the hope that one of them might win.

I'll go out on a limb and state:

no one in ten "no pun in ten did" puns did
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:37, Reply)

MY FAVORITE
was Sister Mary. She was fucking awsome! She taught me home economics and got me back on the straight and narrow after a run in with the law. Then there was Sister Agnes who had the voice of an angel -

what?

Oh, PUNS!
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:33, Reply)

A little off-topic, and more than a little late
Visited my girlfriend's family for the first time last Christmas, and things seemed to go pretty well - although if it weren't for the fact I *knew* we were going holly picking, then the sight of her entire extended family turning up with axes and knives would've been a little... offputting.

Anyway, they'd saved the Choosing Of The Christmas Tree until she got home, and I went along for the ride. Or at least, we would have done if it weren't for my girlfriend's little sister.

She was taking an awfully long time getting ready, when the rest of us were already dressed and waiting. GF's dad - top bloke - starts to get irritated, wondering how it can take a teenage girl an hour just to get ready to go out and pick up a fir tree.

I guess my response of "Can't blame her for sprucing up" helped to smooth things up a little, heh.

That is all...
(Nykrus, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:27, Reply)

How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:26, 3 replies)

sorry
Best mate is getting married.
Her and all us bridesmaids to be go into town to do girly things.
Look at dresses, jewellery and stuff.
In a posh jewellers bride to be squeals.
Ooh you can all wear tiaras.
Asks to see what tiaras they have.
Sorry dont have any says the guy.
But we saw some in the window earlier.
Sorry says he

we've had a Tiara boom today
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:25, Reply)

You can lead a horse to water
but not a horticulture.
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:17, 2 replies)

Written by a friend for a popular games website...
Cyan Worlds, the guys who made the Myst games, were rumoured to be shutting their production arm as their games became less profitable. The headline for the news article? "Lack of green makes Cyan blue." That's the sort of genius that turns you insane.
(scrapsmckenzie, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:15, Reply)

I saw the following headline
"Police smash paedophile ring".

I thought, well, it's a bit harsh, but I suppose the punishment fits the crime.
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:15, Reply)

I used to go out with a fisherman's daughter.
She knew her plaice and how to fillet, I can tell you.
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:13, 1 reply)