Silly exam answers.
In exams, theres always at least one question that we can't do, so we just write what ever comes to our heads, or maybe we write about something inappropriate.

Last week i was asked something similar to "Why do ammonoid suture lines become more complex through evolution?"
I replied "improved fashion sense"
Which you probably won't get.
( Cae1, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 4:15, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Heard in passing

Two birds getting into a taxi, and as the door closes I hear, "And anyway, it turns out it was stuck to me pubes".

What's the best line of conversation you've heard in passing?
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 23:42, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

scummy landlords
tell your tales of woe from the pond-scum that call themselves landlords.
( Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 18:29, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

What's the biggest lie
you've ever been caught out on?

Tell the heartwarming tale of the world's biggest whopper, and the fallout when the proverbial splattered all over the fan
( Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 18:28, Reply)

father's day is coming up
what's the best, worst or just plain weirdest gift you've received or given for father's day?
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 16:47, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Things I almost got away with
So close, so close. What have you *nearly* got away with, and what scuppered your plans?
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 16:34, Reply)

Work nights out from hell
My mate once went on a work's night out to a posh hotel. As it was a 'theme night' and there was a girl he fancied he decided to go with a Don Johnson Miami Vice look. So far, so boring. Then, for some unbeknown reason, he shat himself on the dancefloor. Whilst wearing thin white linen trousers. Going for the authentic sans socks look, he didn't even have emergency bog roll on his feet. His dignity had nowhere to hide and he left the venue and their employ soon after.

What utterly hellish things have befallen you on a work's night out?
(TemporarySign., Wed 11 Jun 2008, 15:11, Reply)

Rejected by the opposite (or if you like that sort of thing, same) sex
On a night out in town a few years ago, I struck up a conversation with a girl. One thing led to another and I thought I was definitely 'in there' as it were.
Unfortunately it was not to be, she was nuzzling upto me when all of a sudden she pulled away and told me that I smelt like her dad. My choice in bodyspray that evening caused my most embarrassing (and in hindsight, funniest) rejection to date.
( Muns, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 15:07, Reply)

Forgotten Joke
Myself and my friend since early childhood were recently sat at a laptop playing poker late one night. We were laughing at some joke, then we were singing and merely changing the last word of the song to 'midget'. We laughed and laughed to the point of near bodily fluid loss. I recall saying at the time 'Man, we'll look back at this for years and remember how funny we found this moment'.

The problem is, we woke up the next morning and to this day neither of us can recall what the joke or the song was. All we remember is the word midget. It's seriously annoying. Nothing worse than forgetting something very funny. We remember everything else about the evening, even the boring bits. Grrr.

I suppose the question could be 'things you've forgotten' but seriously, if anyone can let us know what we were laughing at...it would be really appreciated.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 14:48, Reply)

crazy foreigners
In the Czech Republic men whip women on easter monday in return for chocolate and neat alcohol. And the czech word for shame is 'skoda'.

there must be better stories about loons you've met abroad or weird foreign traditions which have confused you.
( ascorbate, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:24, Reply)

World's most outrageous pulls
I have a friend who tells girls that he invented dice. When rebuffed with the information that dice have been around for millennia he has a long story about how the ancient Egyptians did come up with the concept but he refined it into the current form of 6/1,5/2,4/3 on opposite sides. If there are two of us he explains that we were a partnership and he did 1-3 while I did 4-6.
I think he stole it from a fillum but it still works on occasion. I think this is very telling about the *ahem* calibre of women he pursues.


What is the most outrageous pulling attempt you've performed/witnessed, and how successful was it?
(Edktstsss, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 2:59, Reply)

hiding under the duvet with her dad in the room
As you can read in my post 'toff popic' I once very nearly got caught in a 17 year old, one night stands bed, by her father. Only her quick thinking only saved me from a certain and severe kicking - she said that the second ‘person’ in the bed, cowering under the duvet, was 'her mate Tracey' who had got hammered the night before.

I still shudder to think of the consequences.

What’s the most dangerous situation your libido has put you in?
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 17:05, Reply)

Involuntary triggers

I was driving to work this morning when one of those big trucks with 'Tipper Hire' on the front passed me going the other way. My reaction? My brain immediately kicked in with "Hello darlin', hello good lookin' " - as that was the one-hit wonder for Tipper Ire - you see? Tipper Hire's West Indian cousin. Every time I see one of those trucks, my brain does the same thing.

Similarly, EVERY time on the Radio 4 news, when it comes to the financial bit at the end of the news summary and Charlotte Green or whoever says "...in the City" my brain launches into "...there's a thousand things I want to say to you".
Do you have any similar mental triggers that you just cannot switch off?

...or is it just me?
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 10:50, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

How I gained my confidence.
What gives you your confidence? Where does it come from?

Or if you have no confidence, let the QOTW group-huggers inspire you to start your journey of self-discovery.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:07, Reply)

The first time I was drunk
Bindun?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:50, Reply)

Conspiracy theories
Do you have any odd conspiracy theories? Tell us about them and frenziedly type out your story before THE MEN IN WHITE COATS TAKE YOU AWAY.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:49, Reply)

Philosophy for life
What maxims do you live your life by? A guy I used to know told us, over a few beers, that his philosophy was "If it's got a hole, ah'll stick ma dick in it." He's currently serving 8 years for sexual assault (probably).

What are your views on life? Want to pass on any excellent advice to others? Do share...
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 20:32, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Chavs
Can't you just get some CHAV stories. Everyone has one and the one in the travel stories was most popular lat week (Shame it was not on CCTV but never mind)!!

More like that as I think all would agree that any stories of pain or mis-fortune that happens to our hooded friends only helps brighten up ones day.
(amsterdam_neild, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 12:56, Reply)

How did you survive the Great B3ta Fire?
Did you devolve down to a sub-human (if that is even possible) state and start to worship things lying on your desk?

Did you go to other websites and revel in their mindless trinkets?

Or did you actually do the work that 'The Man' had been paying you for?

How did you cope, tell us your survival story.
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Thu 5 Jun 2008, 9:46, Reply)

Have you ever started a fire? pt 2
Been asked ages ago but worth another go due to recent events
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Tue 3 Jun 2008, 17:01, Reply)

Has to be said..
How did you cope when b3ta was down? Did you take up a new hobby? Or was the situation so traumatising that you had to book yourself into a mental asylum?

Tell us your stories of when b3ta was on fire.
(Miggyman, Tue 3 Jun 2008, 16:51, Reply)

Ownage
Ever been owned in a spectacular way? Ever owned someone? Ever seen ownage? Post your stories.

Woo, first post.
(ShortPurple is still trying to think of a decent board sig on, Sat 31 May 2008, 22:33, Reply)

What have you done to yourself in the pursuit of physical perfection?
Most of the girlies and some of chaps on here probably do the whole superfluous hair-removal thing - waxing, shaving, epilating (ouch!)

Many of us have dyed our hair, some have even had some cosmetic surgery.

Tell us your tales of beautification...and maybe I'll tell you about the Hollywood I had done in Hollywood....
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:04, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped
Tell us your stories of when you've tried to relieve yourself of a girlfriend/boyfriend. My mate once told his girlfriend that he didn't think it was working, she laughed and told him he was hilarious, he persisted telling her she was too weird and slightly violent and he didn't like her, she found this hilarious. so in an ettempt to prove the fact he really was over her he ripped ofrf her wing mirror and threw it through the windscreen and stormed off. A week later she rang him apologising WTF!!! men we try to hard. Ladies take a hint.
(groovypoodle Terribly inept, please forgive, Thu 29 May 2008, 12:44, Reply)

What have you broken recently?
Last night, I went downstairs for a midnight snack. The lights out, I strolled through the lounge, casually picking up my hair brush which, through the power of several beers drunk and me being a bloke (after all, what fella (or lass for that matter) doesn't secretly want to be a ninja. Or a pirate), became an awesome ninja sword in my hands.

Stealthily I crept into the kitchen, holding my ninja brush high, and swung at an imaginary assailant whilst making bruce lee noises. Wai Yah! Crash! Bang! Tinkle!

Verily, I had smited the door frame with my awesome ninja skills, the hair brush had broken in two and the spiky bit had richocheted off the door frame, flown into the kitchen at a million miles an hour, and smashed a pint glass, before disappearing from view (Obviously a real ninja hair brush)

Whoops. I pissed myself laughing though, while hoping my neighbours hadn't heard my nocturnal bruce lee\burglar breaking into a house sound-a-like impression.
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Thu 29 May 2008, 11:47, Reply)

First Cars....
....lets face it, they were shit hot at the time. Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, was as cool as your terracotta Austin Metro HLE with gaffer tape holding the windows up.

What were you unjustifiably proud of in your motoring youth?
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Thu 29 May 2008, 8:57, Reply)

Best friends
My best friend is training to be a doctor but she has also worked as a stripper and has been known to indulge in behaviour that would make her granny blush. She is ace.

We met at colleague and bonded over tattoos and Mr Bungle

So my question what is your best friend like and how did you meet ?
( hedge_diver, Wed 28 May 2008, 22:24, Reply)

... like a paedo in Mothercare
What clever and amusing (preferably sweary) phrases have you picked up from b3ta and now use in Real Life^TM?

I now use 'nicely' instead of 'well done' and have started actually saying *jealouses* when people show me something cool that they have. People don't tend to understand that one much.

I have also on occesion used 'sweating like a paedo' or 'sweating like a rapist'. They don't tend to go down too well at work.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 May 2008, 17:27, Reply)

Insider knowledge
A mate of mine is in 'Big Pharma' and knows a lot of stuff they don't want you to know. Ibuprofen gel doesn't actually work. (Really, ask a pharmacist.) Most cough medicine is a placebo too.

Do you know something that not a lot of other people know? Trick of the trade? Dirty insider secret? Spill the beans!
(Axeman Jim, Wed 28 May 2008, 0:28, Reply)