dog ate my homework...
good excuses for not doing homework..

best one was a kid back at school said he left his homework in Turkey..

he obviously went on hols to turkey, took some work to do over there, and left his books/material there, pillark
(Lord Chode, Tue 7 Oct 2008, 16:24, Reply)

internet wierdos, part 2
I think we should do another 'internet wierdos' QOTW, they did a 'shit stories part 2'

I found them dead funny, and I got a few stories myself..

i cant be arsed to say much now, but the best internet wierdo i ever met is my current partner..
(Lord Chode, Tue 7 Oct 2008, 15:38, Reply)

spoilt brats
ever known anyone so spoilt you would love to strangle?

I have for sure, when I was at university I lived with possibly the most spoilt brat on the planet, she was like a clone of Paris Hilton..

being students, we lived in pretty substandard housing (as any other fellow student b3taians may be aware) she complained about this and that.. 'its not big/short/tall/small/watteva enough' or everything did her 'head in', and often ran off to sulk in her room and ended up blowing most our loans on trying to make the place look 'reasonable', so she'd quit whinging.

Basically she had rich parents, and got her own way for many, many years, unfortunatly she was one with more money than common sense..
ill give you a few examples...

she whinged about a bunch of cardboard boxes on the front 'because they'd attract rats and vermin'

she stomped her feet because we couldnt recieve a pristine picture on our telly so she could watch her daily dose of jeremy kyle.

setting up an internet connection- i forgot to plug in the adsl filter (so u can use the telephone and internet simultaneously), so just because there was a interfereance when she picked up the phone to call daddy for more money, she saw it at a major error and ran off saying her signiture 'its doing my head in' line. even when we figured it out its still wasnt fast enough for her standards..

she comes knocking on my door asking me to wire up a VCR, becuase she doesnt know how...

Alas, as with most stories theres a happy ending, she had to drop out of uni due to becoming pregnant as a result of a one night stand.. oh well, maybe it'll give her a taste of the real world..

Int karma great..
(Lord Chode, Tue 7 Oct 2008, 15:29, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Creeped out!
Have you ever had a parasite? Been driven out of your home by our six legged friends? Bitten by a spider? Hand ants in you pants or mites in you tights?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 7 Oct 2008, 13:41, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

If you could have one person whacked...
who, why and importantly how?

Just one person mind.

One more rule, ex partners and Garry Glitter have close protection teams and can't be got.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 7 Oct 2008, 13:38, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What became of your school bully?
Everyone has had some harassing prick in his life, who picked at you in school or in the neighborhood, and with progressing age, took away first your sweets, then money, and maybe, in modern times, even your mobile.
What happened to the twunt? Did he become the local alcoholic sitting on welfare, a mobster or is he a smug yuppie commanding others?
Extra points for stories of how carma screwed him.
( Zhmei HEY B3TA I WAS ON YOUR DINGY ISLAND AT LAST!1!, Tue 7 Oct 2008, 11:12, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Experiences you've had
that are retrospectively strange and/or funny, for which at the time you had no frame of reference.

Not just sex - I think that was comprehensively covered last week anyway.

For example, when I was in Albania last year I had my eyebrows plucked for the first time ever. By a woman who spoke no English and had two missing fingers. One of the most surreal moments of my life.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Mon 6 Oct 2008, 17:20, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My filthy habit
I like a good ol' rummage around in the nostrils as much as the next guy, and who can resist picking and eating scabs?

What are your filthy habits?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 6 Oct 2008, 17:01, Reply)

t3am b3ta
If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... t3am b3ta.

Inspired by this post, what would you summon a team of b3tans to do and how would they go about doing it? Would it be rescuing someone from an abusive relationship by creating a lynch-mob for someone's abusive partner? Would it involve forcefully improving employment practices at someone's workplace, or would it just be to bring a smile to people's faces?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 6 Oct 2008, 16:25, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Halloween will soon be upon us and so will hordes of eager kiddies.
Last year, I gave jalapeno Jelly Bellies to all the trick or treaters that knocked on my door because I am mean like that.

They look just like the apple ones. until you bite into them and go 'blech'.

Anyone got any interesting Halloween related tales?
( gypsy turnips, Sun 5 Oct 2008, 1:51, Reply)

At the age of 16
That age when you're most vulnerable and insecure about your appearance, I was told by a mate that I looked like Billy from doom metal band Testament. Naturally, I was mortified:
a) because he looks like one of the rapists in The Accused.
b) because I'm a girl.

To prevent such an insult recurring, I went on a strict diet and dyed my dark hair red.
It never happened again :)

Who've you been told you look like and how did it affect you?
( gypsy turnips, Fri 3 Oct 2008, 20:56, Reply)

What caused you to get in a fight?
I have had many great debates down the years - the merits of Bob Dylan v Van Morrison, who would win in a fight Marilyn Manson or Boy George, football, death penalty, middle eastern politics, terrorism, sexual politics, you name it, I have argued its point (often both for and against in the same discussion).

Only once has it come to blows and that was when some arsehole suggested that the Book of Kells is irrelevant in world history.

You could call my mum a whore, my Dad a junky and my sister a spacker and I would probably laugh but this took the fucking biscuit and made me turn from my normal half-pissed, smiling, happy go lucky, pacifist old Tugnut into Oscar De La Hoya on angel dust.

Pathetic really, but I am sure no one else can make that exact claim.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 3 Oct 2008, 16:36, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Q:
What is the worst/most stupid thing you have said to someone/they have said to you whilst chatting them up?

This is what happened to me:

Her: "you look like my brother"
Me : "wow thanks..."
Her: "no, that's totally cool 'cos I fancy my brother!!"
Me : "uh..."
( Schweaty Minge I spunked in your tea! Taste it and see! D:, Fri 3 Oct 2008, 13:53, Reply)

Dedication
I once heard about a story that comes from the time before computer networking was common. Someone was writing code on two machines - one with a 3.5" floppy drive and one with a 5.25" floppy drive. They had no means of transferring the data so what they did was write out the code by hand from one machine and re-type it all on the other machine and then resume working, and then doing the same all over again to the other machine.

So tell us your tales about what lengths people have gone to because they were dedicated to what they were doing.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 13:42, Reply)

Unwelcome guests
on from Captain Placids post

A few years back at my 21st my mum put on a bit of a shindig at my house. We spent the early evening in the pub then retired for some curry and rice and beers. A mate of mine had picked up a girl in the pub, she seemed a bit wierd, this was later confirmed when she took a huge liking to hiding uder the kitchen table. Queue muttered conversations of " who is she?", and "...why is she under there?"

Not deterred my mate simply mutterd to me, yeah she's a bit loopy, but its a shag isnt it?


What weird and wonderful gatecrashers have you met - or were you one of them?
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 13:34, Reply)

Learning to drive
Come on, there must be some good stories out there...

One time, I was driving down a fairly normal bit of road near where I live. I was doing about 60mph, and coming up to a junction when someone pulled out and cut me up.

Now this is something you have to learn to expect, so I wasn't too fussed. My instructor, on the other hand, was. So he leaned out of the window (pretty effective as he's about 6'7"), made the "wanker" sign and bellowed "KNOBHEAD!".

The look on the other guy's face was priceless...

Looking back, my instructor was great...
( MatJ LOOK, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:04, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

The most frightening thing
My brother and I were once wondering what would be the most frightening weapon to be innocently carrying when opening the door to an unwelcome guest? Or, what would be the noise you really wouldn't want to hear from an occupant when knocking the door.


We both settled on:
1/ A chainsaw
2/ The sound of a chainsaw starting up.

Of course there are many "weapon cocking" noises that would be frightening, but only if you could recognise them, whereas a chainsaw is pretty a distinctive sound.

What wouldn't YOU want to face?
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:34, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Dream on
Last night I dreamt that I worked in a resturant. A colleague at the resturant rescued a duck destined for the cooking pot by hiding it in the toilet bowl in the gents.
"You fool," I shouted "suppose someone accidently flushes it away!"
and I rushed to the toilet, the duck was safe so I put an Amazonian tree climbing frog into the bowl (becuase EVERYBODY knows that you cant flush a toilet if it has an Amazonian tree frog in it.
"That should keep you safe" I said to the duck.

But sometime later in the evening the frog hopped out of the bowl and my colleague and myself spent all night in the toilets looking for the frog, lest someone flush the duck.

WIERDEST. DREAM. EVER.

Whats your wierdest dream? and can anyone tell me what the fuck my dream meant??
(smells-like-victory-v's, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:14, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Embarrassing Outfits
We've all had them- styles that we thought looked great and everyone else thought were a Halloween costume. What are the most stupid or embarrassing "looks" that you've thought looked great?

(probably bindun, right?)
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:16, Reply)

My family rituals
Every time I left a door open, my mother would say 'shut the door, have you got a plough on your bum?'. What strange rituals or sayings do you have in your family?
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:35, Reply)

FFS
Years ago, I remember sitting down to watch Armageddon. I thought it'd be a good flick - Bruce Willis from Die Hard was in it, so that's usually a good start.

Didn't anyone in Hollywood attend any science classes at all? I lost count of the number of times I said "for fuck's sake..".

What incredulous bollocks make you utter FFS?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 12:03, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Keeping Schtum
A while back, my friend Tony purchased a pack of Polo designer underpants from a major cut-price clothing retailer.

He couldn't work out why they had been reduced in price: no snagging, no fading and certainly no shop soiling.

A few days later he was crouching down to put on a video and I could see why they had been a bargain. The stitching on the waistband at the back had obscured the "L" in the brand name so they bore the legend "Poo Pants".

Naturally I kept it to myself.

What should you have told somebody but didn't?
(kingnutter, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 13:34, Reply)

well
The sex QOTWs seem to get the most replies. How about "the most debauched thing you've ever done"?

May not be suitable for potential parliamentary candidates.
(Holy Gabrielle is Holy, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 6:13, Reply)

Defining moments
I think everyone has a moment that they remember above everything else. Some paradigm shift that really changed them as a person, or some realisation that they will always remember. I know I have.

Tell us your stories.
( MatJ LOOK, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 0:08, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Curses
Are you cursed? Do you think you have a curse, a handicap, or just exceptionally bad luck? Tell us about your curses past and present.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sat 27 Sep 2008, 12:44, Reply)

Hazing
You know, hazing takes all kinds of forms and shows up in all kinds of situations: school bullies, military college, sports and even work related.

So what is YOUR hazing story? Whether it was You hazing someone else or someone else dishing it out to you...share away...or else...
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 17:49, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Best friends gone wrong
Friends do cuntish things to each other at times, I know someone who sent pictures of his best friend doing cocaine to his mother!

Tell us the meanest thing a best mate has done to you, to you to them.
(trippeh, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 13:11, Reply)

The language barrier
When I was a teenage vegetarian visiting my Pa in Hong Kong, he took me to a restaurant and accidentally told the waiter that I eat children. The guy looked horrified until he realised that he actually meant vegetables.

Another time my Grandmother was visiting him and met up with his Wife's Ma in the street. Meaning to say 'good morning' she cheerfully bellowed "dog's cocks!"

What bloody stupid things have you ended up saying or having said to you because of language barriers?
(teasus likes tea, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 8:36, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

What have you done in your life that people can't do nowadays?
For example:

- Sat in the cockpit of an 747 as a kid
- Rode my pushbike, without a helmet, at the age of 8 by myself all around the neighbourhood.
- Took a pen knife to school
- Built a potato rocket launcher in school physics class
- Made numerous recipes from that classic "The terrorists handbook"

And prob much more, once I think about it somemore.
(Kaer, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 23:13, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)