comedy misunderstandings
my colleague went to the physio with a sore shoulder last night. he was an obscenely hot kiwi. she mumbled that she thought her sports bra might be pulling on it when she ran because she is quite well-endowed. he said: "how big are they?" her reply: "erm, well, gosh, um, they're not THAT baggy." oh how she really wished she hadn't misheard that one... so go on, let me cheer her up by telling her about your comedy gold mishearings and misunderstandings.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 24 Feb 2010, 14:29, Reply)

Sacrifical Lamb
What person*/thing/experience have you had to sacrifice 'for the greater good', even though you knew it was going to really, really gnaw away at your insides for years to come?


*not real sacrifices with cauldrons and/or stake burnings, obviously.
(i.charlius *Two Ronnies Theme*, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 23:27, Reply)

Health & Safety Gone Wrong
Having recently been forced to sit through a fire safety presentation at work I now know that 1) being set on fire is bad for you 2) jumping out a fourth floor window is detrimental to your health and 3) running round flapping your arms like an effeminate penguin screaming “Fire! Fire! Fire!” in a shrill Julian Clary voice is not very helpful in a burning building situation.

Health & Safety is important. But fuck that, tell us about your brushes with Health & Safety Gone Wrong. Nearly killed a passerby when you set up your own scaffolding? Ever drunk the contents of one of the unmarked bottles under the sink? Sneaked off to the pub during a random fire alarm at the office? You get the idea.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 16:52, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Has QOTW ever made you think of doing something you didnt think you could?
The current QOTW about flirting has been interesting for me.
I just cant flirt consciously but several really good replies have prompted me to have a go.

Ok it failed miserably, but at least I was inspired.

Have you ever read a QOTW and had a go at something you didnt think you could?
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 23:44, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Cultural Learnings.
Exchange students. Pen friends. Schools will come up with all kinds of schemes to turn us into hyper-cosmopolitan linguistic genii.

How did it go wrong in your case?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 9:48, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Music to kill yourself to
is how my girlfriend describes the work of Elliot smith (he did kill himself in '04 btw.) so i can only listen to it complaint free when she is not around.

My question suggestion is this: what do you get up to when your significant other/boss/kids/twin/gimp/social worker is not around?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 1:22, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Dentists...sometimes you have to remove BOTH feet before they can drill...
There I was the other day, in to have a broken filling replaced. As I was reclined, the Irish dentist said "Ok, just relax - imagine England are winning the rugby...". With a gob full of cotton ball padding, I just sort of grinned while she numbed me (stop sniggering at the back!). When the padding came out I mentioned I was half French - then realised I'd just told an Irish rugby lover, that I followed the team that beat hers a couple of days previous...and now she was about to drill and fill my teeth...
( snee held his breath since, Fri 19 Feb 2010, 10:15, Reply)

2030
What state will the world be in, in 20 years time? Will there be world peace? Will reality television be a vague and distant memory? (hopefully) Will there be flying cars? (I want a flying car, dammit!). What will you be doing? Still posting on B3TA? Bouncing the grandkids on your bionic knee? How would you like the world to be in 2030?
(Monkee girl not a monkee, not a girl, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 0:09, Reply)

The TRUTH!
I recently found out the truth: that the 54 year old guy a sort of friend of mine (aged 20) had been photographed with was not her father but her boyfriend.

Also, I've always wanted to know what it'd be like to try and lift a tiny chunk of white dwarf, but I'm less likely to find the truth about that.

What shocking revelations have been made to you, or what would you really like to know the truth of? What part does the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth play in your life?
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Wed 17 Feb 2010, 23:45, Reply)

What do you fear?
I have an irrational fear of pineapple following an incident at primary school with a bowl of fruit sald and a sadistic primary school teacher who wouldn't let me leave the dining hall until I'd eaten it all. These days the smell of pineapple makes me heave and I have to sit at the other end of the table if it's offered up in buffets, otherwise I run the risk of showering everyone in the room with spew.

What do you fear, rational or irrational?

/Edit: Ah, bollocks, I'd forgotten about the phobias question.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 17 Feb 2010, 17:20, Reply)

Stupid, stupid, stupid
A girlfriend once asked me, seriously,
"The dinosaurs were before Jesus weren't they?"

Tell us those really dumb things people have said to you.

(No, she wasn't my girlfriend for much longer.)
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Wed 17 Feb 2010, 17:13, Reply)

Goggles
Tell us an entertaining story about the time that you or one of your best mates did something utterly ridiculous while wearing a pair of goggles.
(tingtwatter Eating loads of red meat since, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 21:40, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Overheard
Have you noticed the amount of drivel that's talked by the stupid? I know I have; I fear that such wordbombs cannot help but cause collateral damage to the intellect of innocent passers-by. Have you overheard anything recently that made you worry that you might have been left a little less intelligent?

Or maybe you caught half a conversation that wouldn't have been nearly as funny had you heard the other half.

Either way, do tell.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 21:09, Reply)

Shit free gifts
Somewhere near the beginning of secondary school some representatives from a particular bank came in to talk to us about giving them money and what not. To help enticesnare us we were offered a free CD! Well, I was sold. Being a HUGE music fan at the age of 13 I could get a free album that none of my peers would have even heard of. Hmm..Green Day’s Nimrod, perhaps. Or New Found Glory’s eponymous album. Oh I would be the talk of the schoolyard.
I hurridly filled in the paperwork, turned to the last sheet, about to demand my anarchic disc when I see a series of checkboxes.

Oh.

Small print you bastard.

The "Free CD!!!" was a choice, from a list of about 8 options.
Attempting to make the best of the situation, I thought a hilarious choice was in order: Big Willie Style. Oh how I chortled at the thought of everybody opening their matching Definitely Maybe’s as I pulled the greatest rap album in history from its cardboard prison. But what’s this? That’s not Will Smith. And what’s this note say? “Sorry your choice was unavailable, we hope you find the replacement suitable.”

I peered down as the laugher around me crescendoed and saw this:
tinyurl.com/yjxmos7
(TheColonel, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 16:37, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Learning to drive
My first car has just been written off (surprisingly, it wasn't my fault). Console me with your stories.
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 2:39, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Adventures with Animals
One of my friends admitted today to throwing her hamster out of the window when she was seven, because it bit her on the finger. In her own words: "It could have been worse, at least the window was open..."

I'm sure there's lots of pet, vet and farmyard tales out there, even if the only time you experience an animal is when it's in hamburger shape. Spill. ;)
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Mon 15 Feb 2010, 23:51, Reply)

Practical Jokes
What is the best practical joke you've ever pulled, or had pulled on you?

Have your jokes ever backfired on you and how?

Tell us your stories...
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Mon 15 Feb 2010, 12:36, Reply)

Seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dumb ideas, inventions, innovations, such as the car alarm - why do these things occur, and what daft thing do you most wish you could erase from history?
( wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Mon 15 Feb 2010, 11:20, Reply)

‘Sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish factory’
This phrase, picked up through the QOTW has now entered my vocabulary, much to the amusement of Mr Monkeegirl. Also, I giggle like a loon when I see a ‘celebrity’ is a bit upset when they see they have ‘died’ on Wikipedia, because I know where that originated from. I also cannot eat pie without saying ‘paaaaaay’ the way that Weebl and Bob do.

What have you picked up from B3TA and used in your daily deeds. What has B3TA done to enrich your life?
(Monkee girl not a monkee, not a girl, Sun 14 Feb 2010, 22:01, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Your first paycheck . . .
what did you do with it - what did you spend it on?

Did you shout your mates to a posh dinner, and all the alcohol they could consume? Did you but something for loved one, that they treasured and still remember?
( Mrs Legless . . . belongs to, well, you know . . . :), Sat 13 Feb 2010, 0:46, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

The silliest/most shameful thing you've ever done with a vagina
I've been reading a book on feminism, you see, and I think the world would be a better place if the QOTW balance was restored in this regard.

I'll tell you my story if anyone shows any interest at all.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 23:39, Reply)

Flirting
I don't think we've looked at flirting before.

Do you flirt with the checkout girls just for the heck of it? Are you a check-out girl, do you flirt with the sad looking middle-aged men for the heck of it?

Has your misses accused you of flirting when you were 'just being friendly'? Has someone come on to you when you weren't expecting it.

I don't think I became proficient at flirting until well after I was married. Is that tragic or inevitable?

I don't want stories of torrid sex, I want stories of gentle, yet deeply disturbing flirting; from light banter to smoulering looks. Could be fleeting, could be a long-running relationship with the bosses secretary, tell us. Go on...you sexy poster you (giggles - bats eye-lids, licks lips).
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 9:47, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

When I got bored, I decided to...
Boredom is one of my great driving forces. It has led to me trying my hand at flying, gliding, scuba diving, power kiting, skiing, wakeboarding, rally driving, swimming, archery, clay pigeon shooting, go-kart racing, quad bike racing, cycling for pleasure, building hovercraft, stilt walking, juggling, playing semi-professional poker, computer programming, camping, raft racing and writing slightly pointless posts on the internet.

What do you do when you're bored?
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 0:19, Reply)

Exploited
My sister's boyfriend paid me 10 quid one half term to deliver 1,000 flyers for his (failing) car parts shop. By Wednesday, I still had 400 left and I was shagged out, so I buried them in the woods. The shop went bust and is now a funeral home. I don't feel bad about this - he was a cunt.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 11 Feb 2010, 17:07, Reply)

Weight
Putting on the pounds, dramatic weight loss, love handles, exposed ribs, sparrows' legs. Tell us your body-weight stories.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 11 Feb 2010, 12:14, Reply)

Developing mrsharkaverage's suggestion (a few below this one)
What's the worst marketing bollocks you've seen? The sort of thing where the companies are trying to be all informal and friendly. My perpetually ravenous teenage son came in from college earlier so I offered to do him some oven chips. On the cooking instructions, before it even said "Preheat he oven to 200C", it started with the cringeworthy "mmm chips".

How wank is that?

Also, Hellman's mayonnaise where it says "don't freeze me" or something like that.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 21:05, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Seeing as everyone
needs to relax a little after this weeks shenanigans of QOTW hatred, why not something a bit nicer?

I get my exam results next week, and am bloody well pooping myself about them. To help me feel a bit more confident, what is your greatest achievement?

Either that, or as it is that time of year (you know, the middle of February) tell us about your best pancake Valentines Day, or other romance.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:07, Reply)

Are you feeling the love? If so why?
Lots of anger on this (4th Feb 2010) week's QOTW so maybe its time for some nice stuff. So what's the nicest thing you've done for someone (or had done?) Are you that fantastic poster who tidies up childrens graves (froma prev QOTW) or have you bought your local tramp a can of Special as a nice surprise? Or have you simply gone down on your boy/girlfriend without the time-honoured head-push manoeuvre? XXX
(willydoc, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 22:17, Reply)

Embarrassed
When were you last excrutiatingly embarrassed? Tell us all in painful detail.
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 3:59, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)