I've never been to...
Pissed off tonight as yet again I've been unable to attend an Old Firm game - something I've been wanting to do for as long as I can remember.

Where have you never been able to go, but you've always wanted to?
(Twinx, Tue 4 May 2010, 20:05, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Cheating...
Have you ever cheated on someone? Have you been cheated on? What are your stories/excuses you've heard?
(satanstolemyteddybear Mu hõljuk on angerjaid täis, Sun 2 May 2010, 21:39, Reply)

Health and Safety
My team has recently moved into a different office.

No problem, we rolled up our sleeves, got ourselves and our stuff moved into the new building and carried on as usual. That would be the end of it you would think.

Alas no!, My department has become infected with the plague of Health and Safety.

Since moving into our new office we have had to do the following.

1. Read and understand a 20 page A4 booklet on how to sit at our desks (including diagrams showing posture etc)
2. Fill out a 7 page form confirming we have read the 20 page booklet.
3. All our old chairs were condemed as unsuitable, so we ordered a job lot of 8 new chairs from the "approved" chair supplier.
4. Our chair order was cancelled by H&S on the grounds that we had ordered 8 chairs which were all the same and that "we are all different body shapes!".
5. We now each have an individual appointment with a H&S representative where we will be assesed for our seating needs and recommendations made as to what we should order.

This is just the chairs and desks.

I have been told my monitor is too far away from my eyes and I must have it closer by some 20 cm, We must have thicker blinds installed as the ones currently in place are too thin and could allow too much sunlight in thus making an eye hazard. I have been reprimanded for using a mouse without a mat, and my chosen position on the floor for my bin may be a trip hazard FOR A BLIND EMPLOYEE!!!! we have no blind employees and I am sure if we did that they would manage to avoid said bin which is in the corner of the room!

Our plants have been banned as a potential source of parasites and our mini fridge has been ordered to be scrapped as it has no PAT test certificate!

Our posters have been ordered to be removed or "correctly affixed" to the walls as blu tac is apparently not good enough and a poster falling, after a tragic blu tac failure may injure someone passing!

WHere have the elf and safety brigade gone too far with you?
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Sat 1 May 2010, 18:33, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Paranoia
The whole world is against me, even the milkman.
Tell us about it.

This has not been done to my knowledge.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 20:29, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Parent's Revenge
When have your parents driven you almost frantic?
(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 11:32, Reply)

Barguments
The utterly absurd and inane debates you have when out on the lash. Such discussions as:

"Which superpower is better, flying or invisibility?"
"How many angry 5 year old kids could you defend yourself against if they all attacked en masse?"
"What would make a better paralympic sport? Blind turntable archery or flid-boxing?"

The beauty of this QOTW is that it should encourage people to reply. In theory anyway.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 0:13, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Time for teachers question again perhaps?
I know there's been 'Worst Teacher ever' but perhaps a general question on teachers covering the eccentric alcholics, the paedophiles and the downright brilliant?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:32, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Things I feel good about this week...
Mr. Anodyne and I got engaged a week ago. This is a shameless plug to show my happiness. Tell me what you're grateful for this week...
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 3:17, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Your Nemesis
When I was a nipper, there was a fat girl in my class who kept stealing things from my pencil case, including my prized Thunderbird 2 rubber. This meant war and eventually our parents got involved. Just when I thought I was rid of her, she ended up at the same secondary school as me, and was also in the same class - our battles continued.

Have you ever had an enemy that just didn't go away?
(Monkey Bastard Hands, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 23:29, Reply)

Fuck The Police...
As the Blair Peach report reminds us, The Filth like nothing better than creating a huge criminal conspiracy to cover up the murder of a citizen.

What contact have you had with the boys in blue?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 27 Apr 2010, 20:59, Reply)

Work Experience
Whether its stitching up the work experience kid, or tales of you being stitched up yourself, tell us your experiences of apprenticeships etc
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 17:04, Reply)

Darwin Awards
Tell us stories of times when you have very nearly removed yourself from the gene pool by doing something stupid with unforseen consequences.
( DeadEyeDick, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 17:00, Reply)

Being put in your place
tell us stories of how you were put in your place, or how you put someone else in their place.

For example:
When dating a single mother a few years back, we took her littl'un to a petting farm. On this farm was a shire horse, which I petted and to reassure the littl'un, said:
"he's lovely and friendly"
To which my missus replied:
"It's a girl, it's got a kid", pointing out the foal nearby
"He might have adopted" I retort
She checks under the hood, "nope definitely a girl"
"Maybe he tucks"
This went on for a while, then I thought I had it sussed, and proudly announced:
"There's an easy way to settle this - will everyone who is a girl please raise their hand"
The horse raised its hoof onto the fence, and I never heard the bloody end of it.
( Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 18:35, Reply)

Skiving
Skiving, slacking off, playing truant, pulling a sickie. Whatever you call it, if you haven't done it you're probably a workaholic psychopath.

What are the notable occasions/reasons for your skiving?
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 14:55, Reply)

This is possibly the laziest thing I have seen:


Those bins were empty, but some folks just really couldn't be bothered to go the extra yard and actually put their bags in the bin so just left them there.

Do you have any more shining examples of laziness?
(Scrumpy does not negotiate with terrorists,, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 0:52, Reply)

things you did as a kid, and now realise were a bit weird
...
(Lannes, Sat 24 Apr 2010, 4:34, Reply)

the most pointless argument i ever had
one time, my ex girlfriend woke up in the morning, and was in a bad mood with me. now this wasn't particularly unusual per se, only this time, she was mad because she'd had a dream where i was being 'nasty' to her. so due to the transgressions of a pete that only existed as a night-time brainfart, i was being forced to apologise for myself! absurd. what's the weirdest/most pointless argument you've ever had?
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 12:33, 12 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Oh no, not more bloody politics!
Once, while canvassing for my chosen political party, I actually called the Mrs [voter], 'Mr [voter]' - I really couldn't tell the difference by looking at him/her. I had to put her down as a 'no'.

As we approach election day, how about some stories/rants from activists and voters alike?
(Neil_E_There didn't the Aussies used to be good at cricket?, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 11:10, Reply)

Smugging it up.
When have you felt totally smug about something? Teacher said you'd fail class? Did you pass and go back and say "In yer face, bitch!"? Did some guy not go out with you and then you married a hot, rich lawyer bloke?
Everyone's had a total smugness moment - tell us yours!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 0:52, Reply)

Who ya gonna call?
Things that go bump in the night? Have you ever played with a Oiujja board and consequently upchucked green pea soup?
We want your spine chilling tales of all things weird or spooky!
Cause bustin' makes us feel good!
(Rocket, Fri 16 Apr 2010, 16:08, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Missing out
A few years ago, at a B3ta bash style night out, I'd ran out of cash and decided to walk the 2 miles back home accompanied by another guy who lived on the other side of town. I said I'd lend him the money to get a taxi home but he would have to walk back to mine first.

On the way, his mobile rang and after a quick chat, he hung up and swore a lot. It turns out he was meant to be at a party at someone's house where there were 3 fit girls waiting to drain his bollocks dry for him.

What have you missed out on?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 15 Apr 2010, 13:24, Reply)

You're weird and you know it.
Tell us why.
Answers containing the word "zany" will be awarded -10 points in a QI style.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 15 Apr 2010, 11:46, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Get that man some perspective - FAST!
How about one dealing with experiences of folk chucking thier toys out of the pram over meaningless trivialities? Example:

Myself and t'other half were enjoying an evening in Manchester's gay village recently, and one of the pubs we stopped in was just about to kick off a quiz night. Why not, thought we.

So, with a frankly screaming queen on the pub's small stage reading the questions, the game began. A bloke not far from us wearing a wedding ring was there with his boyfriend (who wasn't wearing a wedding ring) and when the answers were later read, he disagreed with one of them. The queen on stage was fairly polite at first in telling him that's what he had on the paper but this guy got annoyed and started heckling. In response to this heighened state of nastiness the queen told him, on mic, to 'fuck off back to your wife you fat cunt', earning a cheer from the crowd.

Married bloke took exception to this, and turned to me and t'other half with 'is there any need for that'-type witterings. I'd been growing increasingly pissed off with this tubby tit since he started acting up, so I (didn't actually turn around because I was facing him but) said:

"Okay, three things: 1 - If you heckle someone on stage they have carte blanche to take you down in any way they see fit. 2 - Bearing 1 in mind, if you heckle a queen on stage you deserve everything you get and 3 - Truly mate, I wish I had a life as good as yours, where I thought something so trivial as a fucking pub quiz question was worth getting on one about. Get some perspective, eh?"

After which I heard a 'Well said' from behind me - turned out it was our quizmaster who was stood behind me at the bar. Married bloke and his squeeze finished thier drinks and left, and I got a free beer from the bar courtesy of the quizmaster.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 11:45, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Thoughts
I have been told I 'speak my mind'. In fact, one went as far as to say I hadn't developed an internal censor. I haven't the foggiest what they were on about?

What are those things you have thought but never said?
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 22:27, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Facials
Ever given or received an epic blast of man-butter to the face? Tell us about it...
(tingtwatter Eating loads of red meat since, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 21:45, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

tv advert
your favorite and most hated tv adverts?

I'd like to give that dodo off the 5 alive adverts a good kicking
(tom.joad, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 9:57, Reply)

Tell us about the day
When time dropped into slo mo, you looked up, your eyes widened, and you thought "Oh Fuck oh fuck oh fuck, I'm going to die!".

And whether you survived it with full or empty underware?
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 19:39, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

The worst film you could possibly watch on a plane.
or worst film you have watched on a plane.
(TexasPete enjoyed being sexually molested by your Father on, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 15:17, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Invisible Friends
Tell us about your invisible friends, I don't have any or did I ever, Just ask my good mate Drop Dead Fred
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:39, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

My best friend
Everyone has a story about their best friend. Whether they've been there during the good times or helped you through the bad, there's a reason they're your best friend.
Mine is a socialist cumbrian who got a liver infection and always has a sickipedia joke I haven't heard yet.
Tell us about yours.
(Ginger_Whinger got in the newsletter!! =D, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 3:20, Reply)