procrastination/lazy people take the greatest pains
i nearly broke my neck last night tripping over the hoover in the hall that i still haven't managed to tip since the builders broke it. i tripped over it because the first light has gone in the long hallway so it was dark. and i haven't replaced the bulbs because the ceilings are about 20' high. it seems that i am apparently waiting until every single bulb in the flat dies so that then i have no choice but to hire someone with a ladder to come and replace them all (yes i could buy a ladder, but then where the fuck would i keep one that is long enough??).

i have also nearly broken my shoulder falling on it off the sofa from trying to reach the tv remote because i was too bone idle to get up and retrieve it.

how have you made your life harder through sheer laziness???
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 11:10, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Most shameful masterbation story.
Regretful hand-to-glad moments, whether location, material at hand ie: dodgy midget scat mag or horse threesomes website, or disgusting wank bank memories.

Ladies welcome.
(TexasPete enjoyed being sexually molested by your Father on, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 0:18, Reply)

Betrayals
Have you been betrayed by someone? a lover, friend or tradesman? My neighbours gave a trusted person some money to get their cat neutered while they were on holiday. They never got the money back so that works out as fifteen quid a kitten.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 31 May 2010, 21:00, Reply)

Food
I recently made the mistake of inviting someone to a posh restaurant - the mistake was that my guest wouldn't eat 'anything which looks at me, any meat which is even slightly pink and anything with wibbly bits.' So much for the scallops (wibbly), trout (looks at me) and lamb (pink).

What food-fads have you come across?
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 31 May 2010, 16:09, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Cats
Thats it! One word: Cats! Tell us your stories about cats!
(Miggyman, Sat 29 May 2010, 18:42, Reply)

Musical Instruments...
Tell us about all the adventures you've had with musical instruments and lessons over the years. Bonus points for not mentioning guitar hero.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 28 May 2010, 15:05, Reply)

Graffitti
Any daring vandalism you've carried out for a witty cause? Perhaps some fine examples of the genre that you've witnessed?

Once, I drew a cock on the wall of a public convenience. It was hilarious.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 27 May 2010, 11:09, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Stag and Hen Nighs/Weekends/Disasters
There is always a small minority who try and ruin it for the rest of us. Is it you?

Are you the person who ties your mate naked to a branch of HSBC before calling the police to tell them someone is trying to break in? Or is your favourite jape to stick a drunk friend on a train to the other end of the country?

Tell me your tales or awful weekends away. Or good ones.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 24 May 2010, 20:28, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

The star trek moment
Anyone who has ever been a heavy drinker will have plenty of these - you wake up somewhere with no idea of how you got there. Tell us your stories.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Fri 21 May 2010, 23:27, Reply)

The internet escapes into real life..
yesterday I asked a colleague " can you de RIS this document for me?"

share your tales
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 19 May 2010, 20:00, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Genuine examples of corporate bollocks
Do you have a job ? Do your employers have an HR department ? Do they regularly send round circulars press releases and other dross full of meaningless buzz-words, contrived acronyms, and aspirational racoon-jizz ignoring the fact that they are working you like a bastard to no great reward ?

Genuine cut and pastes of corporate motivational rhino-spew, replacing the company name with "Cuntco Inc." to avoid libel.
(joe is troubled Got all married and teh stuffs, Wed 19 May 2010, 15:46, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Overreaction
as I have just told off topic in tedious detail, my 7 month old son pulled hot chocolate over himself yesterday in a cafe - had this happened at home, he'd have been held under a cold tap, then calpol-ed up, before I cleaned up the mess.

As it happened in public, no less than 4 police officers and an ambulance were called, along with every first aider within a 2 mile radius. For what amounted to a bit of hot chocolate staining his trousers and no visible wounds. One of the police officers photographed the table from all angles and called it a 'crime scene'.

when did you last encounter a massive overreaction?
( ascorbate, Wed 19 May 2010, 13:37, Reply)

Injuries caused by unlikely objects
We've all heard the stats of people being killed getting out of bed and have wondered how the hell that happened. Well tonight I injured my foot with a bra. "Impossible" I hear you cry. My bra was on the floor and I managed to stand on it in such a way that the little plastic bit that regulates how long the straps are dug into my heel in such a way that caused immense pain and the formation of a pea sized blood blister under the rather thick skin of the bottom of my heel. I now have to walk on my tippy toes because it hurts so much to stand on it and am thinking about going to the minor injuries unit tomorrow to have it drained. I'm sure there are many of you out there who have also been injured in improbable ways by everyday objects.
(mmm....beer, Wed 19 May 2010, 1:29, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Bankers, Recruitment consultants, Politicians
Yes they all suck, tell us about what professions you hate and why?
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Tue 18 May 2010, 10:21, Reply)

NEVER going back?
Have you ever done anything so bad/embarrassing in front of colleagues (office party?) that has meant you couldn't go back to your job through pure shame??
(myladragwort, Sun 16 May 2010, 22:22, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Misheard lyrics
A friend once beckoned me to listen to 'Message in a bottle' by Sting and the Police. He thought one particular lyric was 'out of place' and wondered why he was singing "a year has passed since I broke my knob".

What's the funniest lyric you or a friend have misheard?
(Iggy Pop's Teeth, Sat 15 May 2010, 21:46, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Porn Stories
...
(Lannes, Fri 14 May 2010, 12:56, Reply)

Inappropriate (but true)
A chap I used to work with, who was a one-man simmering couldron of rage, was silenced in our office by the new girl (on her first day, no less) who told him he was "clearly the person who was in most desperate need of a good blow job..."

She was right, but it did nothing to improve his mood.

So when have you lost that brain-mouth filter and let fly with what you knew everyone else was thinking, but frankly, never should have been articulated.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Thu 13 May 2010, 13:17, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

B1 BBW
Saw a car with the number plate B1 BBW. It was driven by a man in his fifties and got me wondering wife's car? advertising his preferences? or it is his initials and he is driving round in all innocence of the meaning? Actually should I be that my first thought was of an amply sized bi sexual female?
(jvz, Thu 13 May 2010, 6:47, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Funny people that make you laugh and why
This can be intentional or otherwise. Should really avoid pro's (professional comedians) but anything goes really.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 12 May 2010, 14:57, Reply)

Perfect days
How about an uplifting question for a change?

When have you had a perfect day? My last utterly perfect one was last summer and involved lots of beer, a rock supergroup and an attractive barmaid.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Tue 11 May 2010, 17:45, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Caught red-handed
A few months into our teenage relationship, we began to get somewhat amorous on her kitchen floor. (The future) Mrs Sandettie slipped a leg out of her jeans and we made like the beast with two backs. However, her dad walked in.

How have you been caught red-handed? Be it scrumping for apples or found standing over your partner with a meat cleaver as they lay on the floor in a growing pool of claret.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:04, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Tempting Fate
My only born brother loudly claimed that he needed no assistance nor instruction when sharpening a carving knife. How we laughed on the way to A&E. How did you go from overconfident to under the doctor?
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Mon 10 May 2010, 19:47, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Best not to elaborate...
'I had sex with my girlfriend last week and she's been walking funny ever since.' this is a boastful statement typical of pub chat nationwide. Adding 'yeah, she got a carpet burn on her foot and now can't wear shoes' makes you seem like an inept shag...

What tales have you told/heard where stopping halfway through would have been a better plan?
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Mon 10 May 2010, 17:01, Reply)

L'espirit d'escalier
is probably not how you spell it. However, all of us have thought of an absolutely cutting and acidic Wildean retort...two hours after the insult.

What are your tales of disastrously delayed dialectical derring-do?
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Sun 9 May 2010, 21:13, Reply)

Pranks on the new guy/girl
It's fun to mess with the presumably naive new person: snipe hunts, going to the hardware store for a long weight (long wait) or spirit level bubble.

I got caught as a (23-year veteran) reporter by two parks employees that swore months ago that they weren't related despite the same last name. And yesterday I wrote a story about this father/son duo. Tonight, they proudly displayed the article that says they're not related at a parks board meeting.

Tell us your story about messing with the new person.
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Fri 7 May 2010, 3:26, Reply)

if you were in charge
I'm not sure if Nick, Gordy or Dave read b3ta, but we all do, so what would be the one thing you would do if you were in charge as PM, and why should I vote for you?

This may have bindun...
(twiceydrinker hmmm is it pint time?, Thu 6 May 2010, 10:06, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Poor decisions...
We have an opportunity today to make a decision that could have terrible consequences for out country.

As a microcosm of this, have you ever been in a position in which you have made a decision that has had terrible consequences for you and those around you?
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 6 May 2010, 8:19, Reply)