Living in Student Accomodation
My flatmate proudly announced that he likes to spit on girls backs during sex, just for them to turn around, and then he can promptly jizz all over their face.

Have you been in crazy living accomodations?
(__, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 1:41, Reply)

Shite gifts
My Aunt and Uncle are the worst at gift giving, they owned their own Post Office so every year we were given something thoughtfully selected off their dusty shelves.

Now, for many years my sister was "winning" with a My Little Pony notebook (just the notebook, not even a My Little Pony !!) at the age of 18.

This was until I was given this next gift:

My Birthday is July 26th, the day came and passed without a gift, August came and went with still no gift, infact September and October both passed without a gift, now I'd forgotten about my birthday present until late November my Dad comes home with a package for me from my Aunt and Uncle, I open it to find a Mighty White (brand of Bread) sports bag, the reason I had to wait until November for my "gift" was that they had to save up the tokens for it !!!

So, what's the shittest gift you've been given?
(Laxly, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 1:01, Reply)

So close...
I once ran a marathon through swindon- for cancer i believe. When I was about 15 metres from the finish, an obese man waddled past me and tripped me up, breaking my leg. I dislocated my knee cap, and was taken away in an ambulence.

Have you ever been this close?
(abignumber, Sun 19 Nov 2006, 20:26, Reply)

It is time...
What do you see that no-one else does?

It is time to point out The Emperor's New Clothes.
( The Lurker Plenty One, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 16:01, Reply)

Song
What's the frequency, Kenneth?

What's the oddest song title you know?
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 13:34, Reply)

If you were a biscuit, what biscuit would you be and why?
Bin dun?

Quite a simple question really.

Or....

"Kitchen mishaps"
(Hoff (not to be confused with "The Hoff"), Fri 17 Nov 2006, 1:41, Reply)

OoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo!!!
tell me how crazy or 'different' you're science teacher is!!!!!
( Sir T. Skellington, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 12:57, Reply)

My Grandfather
Used to follow my dad as he walked to work - for years... my dad was well aware of this, but every now and again he'd turn around so that he could catch a glimpse of my grandfather leaping into somebody's garden.

Who's the strangest person in your family... And why?
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 2:50, Reply)

Comeuppance
Ever seen or been someone truely and completely getting what they deserve?

Or were you the one dishing it out?
(w0rmwood pearl, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 11:39, Reply)

Ex-Pats
Are you an ex-pat?
If so, why did you leave England (or your home country)?

What's so shit hot about the grass on the other side? Is it really greener?
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 8:31, Reply)

"With Lots of lubricant"
The go anywhere compatible with anything catch phrase. Add this to the end of anything you say in general conversation and amaze your friends.

post the most mundane everyday sentence you can think of and watch as it mysteriously turns into comedy gold
(StumpsForArms&NoEyebrows, Sat 11 Nov 2006, 14:30, Reply)

Crappy Gifts
Or ironic/bizzare gifts, emphasis on the bizzare or wacky here.

You've all had them, some are insulting and show a clear lack of thought and although you're pissed off you have to laugh. Then there's the one's that are confusing and you really can't figure out why ANYONE would buy that, or perhaps there's just the plain old mysterious and you can't for the life of you figure out WHAT the THING is? Then there's the timelessly funny and annoying hurtful gift given in the most horrible spite.

Don't limit this simply to receiving as atleast half the people here have to have given the crappy gifts. A friend mine placed a very heavy rock inside a playstation 2 box before wrapping it up and giving it to his little brother for christmas, I hear the gradual change in emotional response from glee to dissapointment was priceless.
(StumpsForArms&NoEyebrows, Sat 11 Nov 2006, 14:25, Reply)

body modification horrors!
Got your girlfriend stuck on your Prince Albert? Had an argument with your tattoo artist mid-tattoo? Piercing mysteriously dissloved the cartilege in your ear? Or worse: decided to pierce yourself while you were drunk? Go on, I wanna hear all the gory details!
(DippyFi, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 19:36, Reply)

What would you do....
...if you were a God?

I quite fancy being Thor (for a while anyway), chucking thunderbolts at tailgators...appearing at my current least favourite call centre: Student Loan Company to DEMAND AN EXPLANATION etc
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 9:43, Reply)

really?!
did a plumber seriously do that to your pants!
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Thu 9 Nov 2006, 15:09, Reply)

mid-rant, remembered this:
i now have a great plumber. he's a nice guy, doesn't overcharge, and i trust him.
however, my last plumber was let into my flat by the letting agent, and proceeded to spunk all over my wet knickers, just removed from the washing machine whilst i ran out to get lunch.

what have people done whilst someone was out, or what have they had done to them?
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 9 Nov 2006, 13:54, Reply)

doctoring films quotes
So, I once stumbled upon the hilarity of introducing the same set phraze to the end of different famous film quotes.
The particular phraze i used was

"with tea and biscuits"

for instance-
"i love the smell of napalm in the morning with tea and biscuits"
"we're gonna need a bigger boat with tea and biscuits"
"hes not the messiah, hes a very naughty boy with tea and biscuits"
"you want the truth, you cant handle the truth with tea and biscuits"

and so on,

in addition to this. there is the replacement method which works in the same manner, except, you replace a single word with an obscenity.

the substitution of the word "fight" with the word "wank" in the 8 rules of fight club works as a fine example, in typical b3tard style. ie,

#1 - The first rule of Wank Club is, you do not talk about Wank Club.

#2 - The second rule of Wank Club is, you DO NOT talk about Wank Club.

#3 - If someone yells stop, goes limp, taps out, the Wank is over.

#4 - Only two guys to a Wank.

#5 - One Wank at a time fellas.

#6 - No shirts, no shoes, no ties.

#7 - Wanks will go on as long as they have to.

#8 - If this is your first night at Wank Club, you have to Wank.

yeah, how about doctored films quotes then?

my first post so be gentle,

-beard of destiny
(urso beard of destiny, Thu 9 Nov 2006, 13:48, Reply)

"It was the most I ever drunk"
That is all.
(fatboybubba, Wed 8 Nov 2006, 23:05, Reply)

Stupid songs
What stupid songs have you made up that you *have* to sing at certain moments in an obsessive compulsive sort of way?

E.g. in the weasel residence whoever goes to check the post has to sing one of the following songs in the event of no post:

'The Postman hasn't been yet song'

The postman has not beeeeeeeeeeen!
There's no post to be seeeeeeeeen!

If the postman has been but there's no post for either of us then the checker has to sing the 'No Post' song:

No post for me,
No post for you,
I have no post,
You have none too.

Both are inexplicably sung in squeaky high voices. It's great fun in our house*

*Ms Weasel's on prozac and I'm an alchoholic...
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Tue 7 Nov 2006, 15:54, Reply)

Mighty
I often wish I had the ability to make people think that their testicles are on fire, when in fact, they are not.

It would start as a slight itch and then gradually increase to a warm, then hot then flaming hot sensation on the knackers, making it all the more amusing to observe and leaving my victim screaming and flapping about in front of large crowds of people but with no actual lasting damage.

This way I get to inflict humitliating revenge upon people who barge into me on the bus or give me dirty looks in the street, or maybe just because it's funny, which obviously it is.

I also would like the power to make people break into song and dance seemingly spontaneously, especially in art galleries, museums and funerals.

ooh, and laser eye burny vision to pop the tyres of people who nearly run me over, which seems to happen quite frequently.

I have actually strained quite hard to make the above happen but to little avail. Am I the only one that craves a specialised power purely for the sake of petty vengeance...? What would yours be?
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 15:45, Reply)

Are all nurses as filthy as the urban myth suggests?
Having no preference eithere way, this can apply to male as well as female nurses.
I have been dating a nurse lately and can attest that at least one of them is as filthy as a roadside ditch, and swallowed twice on the first date, along with a promice that I can throw away my brown v-plates before the month is out.
(Jerry Atrick knows he is better than yew, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 12:34, Reply)

Playground nursery rhymes
Remember those playground nursery rhymes you used to sing? Not the nice ones that they taught you at nursery, but the ruder and less PC versions that were much more entertaining.

Jot them down - these things need to be documented in the annals (/snigger) of history.
( caldini Have you seen my polar bear?, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 7:34, Reply)

This year I broke my fucking neck
by falling through a roof. So, I want to know, what has everyone else broken, how they did it, how long it took to fix and if it hurt.

Bonus points if you really MANGLED yourself, naturally.
( dotmund .co.uk, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 14:46, Reply)

What's your weird and wonderful poison?
What's the strangest bottle of fermented goodness whose acrid contents you've slid down your throat.

The 99% alcohol Polish Spirit that they've recently started selling at huge expense at Australian bottle shops now. I'm telling you, seriously 99% not proof percent, extremely flammable too it would seem but that's another story.

Then there's the clear, odd smelling very, very cheap asian liquor that my friends for lack of proper pronounciation have dubbed the "crazy asian shit", drank quite alot of this stuff straight after high school graduation from a Chinese friend. We didn't find out till quite some time later the stuff is illegal in this country, tasted terrible if I recall.

What's the weirdest drink you've come across, how did it taste and smell and did it have any unusual effects?

EDIT - Just found out that not only was the crazy asian shit illegal but also appeared on an episode of "customs: Border Security" with someone trying to smuggle it in to the country.
(StumpsForArms&NoEyebrows, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 2:37, Reply)

Horrible Naughty Bits doctor stories
Yeah, horrible gynaecologist/urologist stories from everyone? I bet people have lots of terrifying stories... I bloody well do...
(Auntie Dalek molester extraordinaire, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 2:46, Reply)

birth stories
when i was born i was stuck in an incubator for a few weeks, my lungs hadn't formed properly, i still have the scars (at 21), and am apparently very lucky to be alive

did anything interesting happen to you when you were born or during a birth you have seen?
(Just Harry What should I put here?, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 2:42, Reply)

The Best Sex You Interrupted
That could lead somewhere interesting.
(ratthingbazzterd, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 23:54, Reply)

sister
my sister Gracie
( rosie posie tingly bongly, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 18:58, Reply)

Tales of pomposity
I used to work in a rather rural german bank.

They named their meeting rooms after financial centres so they could say "I'm going to Tokyo now", "Sorry, he's in New York at the moment" and hence feel more imprtant.

What tales of pomposity do you have?
( bierbelly, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 16:15, Reply)

wierd things
Things that make you look twice
(abignumber, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 21:28, Reply)