Questions You'll never ask
I've always wondered if dentists feel inadequate after asking women to "open as wide as you can" all day, then going home and telling their OH to open part way.
I will never ask my dentist this though.
(alexhawk, Tue 20 Mar 2007, 16:19, Reply)

Pets Pets Pets
I've said it before and i'll say it again.

"How the pet really died", stories you WON'T ever tell your parents!
(hatofjam built a friend out of lego on, Tue 20 Mar 2007, 15:33, Reply)

Ditto
This may sound bad, but has happened to me:

Her: "I have been thinking about where this relationship is going"

Meaning: The three hour documentary about Spitfires which you've just sat down to watch will shortly be turned off. Anything you say will be wrong and subsequently brought up on conversation and used against you for the entire duration of this relationship. You'll also be expected to supply dinner/flowers/cuddly toys/babies etc as required.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 20 Mar 2007, 12:56, Reply)

Spot on Monsieur Spencer!
Her: "Shall we go and choose some material for the curtains?" = If you ever want to watch the rugby in peace again you'd better say 'yes' and come quietly.

Him: "Yeah OK, that sounds good, how about nice and early Saturday?" = Fucksocks, she's got me by the balls yet again.

or...

Him: "What would you like for your birthday?" = For the love of Christ tell me what you want now so that I can write myself a note, buy somthing you want and give it to you on the right day

Her: "Oh, I don't know, just get me anything?" = That'll show you, you bastard. Trying to get me something I want so that I can't be disappointed? Hah!
(E-mail Zola Son of Che, Tue 20 Mar 2007, 11:47, Reply)

Annoying habits
What are your annoying habits? What are your partner's annoying habits?

Apparantly, one of my (many) most annoying habits is "eating too loudly", oh yes, and "picking my teeth".

Whereas Mme Zola's most annoying habit is constantly interrupting me when I am reading and "not being able to relax while the house is in a mess" this means, that I'm not allowed to relax either, until the place has been cleaned or I'm made to feel guilty that I'm lying about watching France win the 6 six nations while she is ironing...I've just about developed the ability to ignore her deep sighs and enjoy myself never the less.
(E-mail Zola Son of Che, Tue 20 Mar 2007, 11:32, Reply)

What men / women say and what they really mean.
Women: Are you thirsty? = Make me a cup of tea.
Men: You look nice = I want to shag you.

Etc.

CHOOSE THIS ONE, CTHONIC, YOU BORING BASTARD!
(frankspencer, Tue 20 Mar 2007, 11:21, Reply)

How about a QOTW
that will bring out the funniest stories, even if it's a repeat.

ie: work stories, customer/celebrity encounters, pranks, insane neighbors and so on.
(barrycounty, Mon 19 Mar 2007, 5:59, Reply)

what makes you angry?
what really really winds you up? i think this would be a great qotw and my suggestions have never been taken up yet and i donated and everything...

no, that isn't my answer to my own question, i have much better stuff than that! thanks for reading...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 17 Mar 2007, 20:47, Reply)

Judging by the past few weeks entries
What's the most insanely wacky play on words you can make out of the current QOTW??!

How can you follow it up with a very tiresome joke about length??!!?? LOL!!!!!11

(sighs) these boards used to be funny...
(Hammer Time, Thu 15 Mar 2007, 20:23, Reply)

Little things that cause a big annoyance.
Today in the office i happened to notice the amount of people who would eat their lunch at their desks. Even people would go to the canteen and bring back a full plate of hot food and eat it at their desks. I mean why? its lunch time, youre not getting apid for it and wouldnt it be nice to eat dinner in peace without the phone ringing, emails coming in and people coming up to you just as youve rammed your mouth with a cornish pasty. Why do people do this? Its sooo annoying, get a life!

So i was figuring, what little things really annoy you a lot?
(Miggyman, Thu 15 Mar 2007, 17:01, Reply)

first impressions
I was out on the lash with some friends one night and we were making our way to a club. They went on ahead while I stopped to get some cash, and when I caught up with them outside the club I saw them chatting to my mate Paul. Being in a bit of a state I ran up to him, picked him up and carried him around for a bit...you know, friendly like. After a while I decided I should say hello properly, so I put him down, looked at him...

...and that was the first time I met Paul's brother Steven.

What's the worst first impression you've made?
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Thu 15 Mar 2007, 16:22, Reply)

Siblings! (yes that's your brothers and sisters!)
Me and my brother used to be as thick as theives when we were kids and broke the law and more than several occasions, setting fire to whole fields, burning neighbours hedges down, stealing from the local shop. Then when we got past the early teens there was driving without licenses, stealing from the cement factory, crashing cars, drugs, fights etc...

But as siblings there was always that code of silence that you were in it together!!! Well unless your parents had you bang to rights and cornered, then it was every sibling for themselves.

What things did you used to get up to with you siblings, that really your parents didn't ought to know about?

I'm sure this topic will also be perfect for frankspencer! ;-)
(anon_is_best, Thu 15 Mar 2007, 11:07, Reply)

conversation killers
As mentioned in a previous QOTW, I went to boarding school.One favourite activity that didn't include cocks was staying up dead late secretly and talking for ages on end.

On one such night, with everyone really tired and talking about the already fascinating subject of football shirts, on of my mates piped up with "my dad bought a blue shirt once". Yes. that was it.
*tumbleweed*
we all went to bed after collapsing into fits of laughter
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Wed 14 Mar 2007, 21:59, Reply)

petty petty petty
My ex-housemate once had a rant at me for going to the pub for six hours on a sunday afternoon and forgetting to turn my bedroom light off. She said it was "an awful waste". I checked the bill and at the rate they charge us it probably cost about 3p. I was especially amused by the fact that she left it on to prove a point rather than just, say, turning it off herself.

What's the pettiest thing anyone's heard anyone complain about, or has complained about themselves?
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Wed 14 Mar 2007, 14:15, Reply)

Useless children
List all the bizarre, rude, inconsiderate, selfish, and suicidally idiotic things your children have done. And all this despite the sensible rules and guidelines you laid down.

This would be only fair given the response to last weeks Strict Parents question. All respondee's to that previous question must contact their parents to ensure right of reply.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Wed 14 Mar 2007, 14:03, Reply)

qotw
Weirdest place I ever had a piss or dump?
(grangeb77 bored of sigs. boom zig, Wed 14 Mar 2007, 10:50, Reply)

my suggestion
Choose future questions from this vast list instead of letting feckin' cthonic do it every week.
(frankspencer, Mon 12 Mar 2007, 15:41, Reply)

Racist parents/grandparents etc...
I have very racist parents. I wanna know if anyone else does.
( B.T., Sat 10 Mar 2007, 18:21, Reply)

Unorthodox teaching style(s)
Or better still, tales of sleazy/sexual and/or general inappropriate behaviour from teachers/lecturers. During school time and extra curricular...
(Leenis is cool., Fri 9 Mar 2007, 12:35, Reply)

Playing tricks on work collegues
just to relieve the boredom of the office grind or to keep you on your toes in some sinister Kato/Clouseau arrangement
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Thu 8 Mar 2007, 10:21, Reply)

Small Ads
I recently joined an internet dating agency because I am both sad and lonely.
It says all the usual - I like films, I like the internet *belms*
But I'd be interested to know your dating ad. In fact, I'll pay to put the best one on and see how many replies it gets.
Probably more than mine.
(Jugular, Thu 8 Mar 2007, 9:00, Reply)

WIERD EX GIRL/BOYFRIENDS
My friends thought i needed setting up with a girl and it was the worst year of my life

And this girl was the most paranoid woman you could ever imagine, even if I stared at another woman on TV she would kick off, and for these reason I never dumped her as I never thought I would have enough tissues to stop her never ending tear ducts

She still thinks im with her but i went the shops to get some milk over 2 1/2 years ago
(imlivinginabox yeah, it was me down on Main Street, Wed 7 Mar 2007, 20:13, Reply)

Rectal flatus: another vote
the fussy eating page raised this erm, issue?
this one could run ( if you follow through) for weeks.

Especially as women don`t fart, they make noises and smells , but they definitely never ever Fart!
(see www.heptune.com/farts.html for negative comfirmation)
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Tue 6 Mar 2007, 20:22, Reply)

casual racism
has a racist comment you've made in good jest ever been taken out of context by a third party observer?
(suboftheday, Tue 6 Mar 2007, 16:21, Reply)

My worst piss
Not sure if this has been done before or asked in this qotw. I really can't be arsed to go and read through 86 pages to check!

Anyway, I got thinking of the subject of my worst piss after a trip to dorset late last year.
I was walking the purbeck coastline, which meanders up and down loads of little coves (and goes on for miles).
Now, when it's windy, these coves are turned into funnels for the wind.
Take a stromy day and it's hard to stand up in one of them. The wind whips around in them, so it's hard to get any sheilding as it seems to come from everywhere.
Now, take one evilmeister and several pints of scrumpy. He decided it would be nice to do a quick 5 mile hike along the coast.
Throw in a stormy day and you know it's a recipe for disaster.
I decided to take a piss at the bottom of one of these coves. I'd needed a piss for about an hour and had been on the lookout for shelter. As none was forthcoming, I reasoned that the best place to do it was at the bottom of the cove, facing away from the wind.
I was having a real job just standing up, so I figured that the piss would just catch on the wind and fly away from me.
I unzipped, pulled out Mr Winkie and let fly with my glorious stream of golden sunshine.
At this point I learned about the way wind moves in a confined space. Instead of flying away from me, my piss turned around and became a 'piss cloud'. It flew straight back at me, drenching me from head to foot. I even got some in my mouth.
But such was the need to piss, that I couldn't stop. I tried spinning round, to get out the way of the piss cloud, but the more I pissed, the bigger it became.
I was soaked.
The strange thing was, my girlfriend had already started to climb up the next part of the path, so she hadn't seen what happened.
I dried myself down as best as I could and (till this day) have never told a soul about it.
For my shame, I offer this to you.
(EvilMeister, Tue 6 Mar 2007, 1:24, Reply)

You want to do what with my what?
I read a book called "The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices" and could not believe what some people need to float their boat. I have personally been asked by a complete stranger in the street if I would remove my shoes and let him smell my feet. What is the strangest run in with a real life fetishist you have had?
(boblablaugh, Mon 5 Mar 2007, 19:57, Reply)

Best childhood mischief
Me and my friend, we were about 14, used to go around playing knock-a-door-run. only our game had a twist:
*BAM BAM BAM*
"Dis is da POOOOOOOOOOLIIIICEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

and then we promptly legged it.
we were never caught, only because we were on bicycles!!!!

hahahaaaaaa.....

what stuff did you get upto as a wee'en?
(ApacheRoflcopter Rofpmlmfaool since, Mon 5 Mar 2007, 15:23, Reply)

Inspired by some of the so-called fussy eating stories...
Fart stories. Come on, is there anyone who doesn't laugh at farting? I once farted so loud in bed that I woke both myself and my then-boyfriend up. Tell us your farting stories!
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 5 Mar 2007, 14:45, Reply)

MYSTERY
why, when I go to a club/pub, just because im funny, dress well and can dance ok, do gay men radiate towards me??

I want ladies!!

LADIES I TELLS YA!!
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Mon 5 Mar 2007, 13:38, Reply)