bad things ingested
A few years ago a friend of mine had a habit of leaving half drunk cups of tea on her bedside and they would stay there for days, even weeks.
one night, after taking a fresh cup of tea to bed, she fell asleep, and woke in the early hours with a thirst, not adverse to drinking cold tea, she picked up the first mug she came to and had a huge gulp, only to discover she was drinking old tea, and worse, mold!! she says the taste stayed with her for days!
a few months ago she swigged milk out of the fridge to find it was off, turned my stomach just watching
so i was just wondering what horrid things you lot have ingested
(kellogg going slowly insane, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 17:55, Reply)

QOTW: What's the best thing you've done to relieve your boredom?
Always when I'm bored I start doing stupid stuff. Besides the usual prevention like drugs, woman (15 mins exitement, 2 hours boredom), and alchohol...I like to piss people off cause I like human suffering...but what do you do?
( Floppy Donkey crawled out of the ditch., Tue 14 Aug 2007, 17:28, Reply)

Your worst hangover
Last week i was so hungover that i vomited the colours of the Belgian national flag.

In order.
(Rushy, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 18:02, Reply)

What's on your report card?
I completely fucked up my 6th form year, and got serious aggro from the olds for my report. All sorts of "disappointing" and "failed to achieve to his potential" and the like.

However my mates report was the best. For maths, instead of the usual 3 or 4 paragraphs outlining why he sucked, his teacher had simply written "Chris does little or no work unless supervised".

Now think about that.
(JForce I live further away than you, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 13:25, Reply)

Crazy mates
We've all got one, that slightly inbalanced friend who has been around for ever. You can't really stand them, especially when you're trying to impress a ladyfriend and they're regaling said lady with the tale of when you two teamed some really ugly bird.
But you can't bring yourself to ditch them 'cause every so often they do something so funny you find a little bit of wee in your pants.
So, what utter insatity has your crazy mate done that deserves to be recognised by a post on the hallowed walls of QOTW?
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 10:25, Reply)

Suggestion
Simple QOTW suggestion... Put one up!!
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 14:32, Reply)

Corporal Punishment
Forget naughty steps and reward charts, were you beaten at school? Got a smacked bum as a kid? What did you do to deserve it and was it worth it?
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 14:12, Reply)

Learning stuff you don't know
A mention of Gosport in somebody's holiday tale reminded me that I completed my Submarine Escape Training there.

The fact I've never been in a submarine, or the Navy come to that, has rendered that particular skill redundant.

I've also got a certificate in 'use of explosives' and 'underwater demolitions' that I've not felt the need to show any prospective employers

What completely useless special skills and qualifications do you have.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Wed 8 Aug 2007, 17:10, Reply)

think before you speak...
things you've come out with and said before thinking about it 1st!

.. i was at a hen nite not so long ago and we had had chicken for our main course...

friend says to me.. "these are really big chicken breasts"

i reply (without thinking)... "they must be French!

we looked at each other in confusion and almost died laughing!

.. i still have no idea why i said it!
(chixor, Wed 8 Aug 2007, 14:13, Reply)

Call centres
Without giving too much away, I've got a shiny new job in a call centre at a public service "provider". Unusually for a call centre, this place really DOES record all calls "for training purposes" (most don't - in my experience, they either sit next to you or listen remotely, but don't record), and they played some, uh, less successful calls by people who are "no longer with this organisation" for us today. Oh - my - glub. Never in my wildest experience of numptydom have I encountered such limited concepts of "customer service", and I've been on the dole.

We've all done time under the headset, so what's your best story, as customer or phone monkey? Hint: Telemarketers REALLY, REALLY want you to say the magic phrase "Please take my name off your calling list". They're not allowed to say it, but once asked, they are legally obliged to do it. (In Australia anyway.)
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Wed 8 Aug 2007, 12:29, Reply)

My worst first date
It was about two years ago. I was round at my mate's in Surrey for lash-up and his now-wife arrives home later with a friend in tow (tall and brunette - just my type), we chat briefly, bit of smiley-eye and light flirting before I get my train back home to sunny Hammersmith.

Arrange a date with said girl, and it turns out to be the worst experience ever. She turns out to have as an interesting a personality as a goldfish, something which she felt about me as well (as I found out later from mate's now-wife). We went through the motions, boring each other stupid talking about work, life, things we cared about whilst trying to look interested in each other's responses. It was that memorable I can't even remember her name, where she came from, what she did, anything. A painful two hours of drinks around Notting Hill. Neither of us bothered to say 'call me' at the end of the night.

What was your worst first date?
(Calamity wetter than a fish's wet bits - bloody rain on, Mon 6 Aug 2007, 23:21, Reply)

i dont rember doing that...
i went out on saturday night as most do to the pub, stayed till close and then walked the 5 - 10 mins home, got in after falling off the curb countless times and wondering why my key wont fit in the door, i get in and head straight for bed.

in the morning i wake up to my mum asking what it was i did last night, being slightly confused/hungover as she knows i was in the pub say "what are u going on about" she and dad claim that at about 3am i walk into their room and decide to urinate all over the floor!

for the record im not a sleepwalker and isnt something i have done before. i even find it slightly hard to believe..

so what have you done but done rember after being out on the sauce?!
(SuckYourMum, Mon 6 Aug 2007, 9:36, Reply)

bullshit artists
I went to school with a girl who claimed she was engaged to James Packer, son of Kerry Packer, the second most famous australian media mogul. She would prattle on about "their plans for the future" and "its a secret from the media", and had a cheap shitty ring that she claimed was an heirloom. Her string of lies was blown out of the water some months later when Jamie Packer announced his actual engagement to a gorgeous model (not a spotty 17 year old blatant liar).

Whos the biggest gobshite you know, what kind of lies do they tell, and have you caught them out?
(spent.fish flipping and gasping, Sun 5 Aug 2007, 3:36, Reply)

It just doesn't seem right...
Vinyl records on turntables can be used to play music. Even CD's and hard-drive based music players make functional sense. But how can solid state mp3 players make music when there's nothing spinning round and round and round?

Tell us about things that just don't seem right to your way of thinking.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Fri 3 Aug 2007, 14:33, Reply)

Bribery
So, what do you think you have to offer the mods before they accept your QOTW suggestion? I'm happy to say that I will never, ever, sleep with them, which should come as a great relief, I'm sure.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 22:37, Reply)

mingers that you thought you might have loved....but learned from
It's good to laugh at life, and learn from your mistakes....

so lets have a QOTW of why your ex is an ex...

For example....

one of the many reasons mine is now my ex is because...

He....

thought kissing was disgusting, but not as disgusting as oral sex....or sex in general (unless I was asleep)

was more interested in checking out his 'girls' (read, SHEEP) when I was in labour with our son....to the point that the midwife threatened him....I DID try to bite his arm while pushing said son into the world, but his arm went all floppy...FFS!!!! The only time I needed a Firm Arm - something to BITE ON!!!!

constantly trampled on clean washing with shit filled boots...every Fuck1ng time it came out of the machine!!!! And then sat in sheep shit grimed tank top his mother had knitted watching tv....not speaking....

banned my cats Black and Berry from the house because they became obsessed with his (unwashed and stinking) arm pits and would not cease gnawing him....

Tried to stop me shaving my legs and other girlie bits as it was 'unnatural' FGS! I am half gypsy half jewish - this is not nice if you are a girlie who does not want manly furred legs or pits!!!!

Moaned about me spending any money on food, resulting on him cooking some eggs from the chickens I kept - by cooking I mean *warming up* til they were semi liquid...pouring it on a piece of bread and declaring it scrambled eggs....

My son was 6 then and 14 now...he still won't eat eggs....

ERK - this is meant to be enticing some funny posts....
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 1:22, Reply)

Inappropriate Work Behaviour
My mate Furious 'D' (who is rapidly gaining legendary status) used to work at a bank. Now they had something like 'loyalty points' that you earned for attendance / suggestions and such shite. It took him about six months to get enough points to order a free DVD, and when he finally got the order form, filled out a request for 'Anal Intruders 4', with the intention of jokingly faxing it to his mate in another department. Trouble is, the bell-end mistakenly faxed it through to head office and was up for a disciplinary quicker than shit through a goose.

...

Also, same FD, same bank...Went on a 'team building' course with a 'day at the races' missed the 'get to know each other tea & chat' and headed straight to the bar where he proceeded to work his way through a slab of Carling. At the very end of the day, he remembered he had been given a 'token' £20 to put on a horse...it was the very last race...he had done cock-all...he knew nowt about gambling...& he was rat-arsed. He put it all down on the first horse on the list and it romped in netting him something like £200, the receipt of which prompted him to shout "FUCK MY ARSE!" at the top of his pissed-up voice in front of all his colleagues and half the directors of the bank (which starts with 'L' and ends in loyds TSB by the way).

He doesn't work there anymore...your accounts are safe.

Anybody else out there done something (or not done something) at work which got you the sack, or should have got you the sack, but didn't, perhaps due to liberal bosses or sexual favours or something? I dunno...

Fill yer boots!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 1 Aug 2007, 10:34, Reply)

Helped by B3ta? Changed your life?

I've just been given top legal advice from rachelswipe regarding the council cunts (I won't go into detail, the QOTW is still there if you want to look).

I also noticed a couple of other people who have been helped by fellow B3tans (like the guy who had 1 yellow line painted outside his house and ended up getting refunded to the tune of over £5K by his council cunts).

Anyone else had their lives changed for the better due to advice obtained from B3ta?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 1 Aug 2007, 10:06, Reply)

BOO!
The unexplained. Ghosts. Local legends, own experiences, etc. .
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Sun 29 Jul 2007, 4:41, Reply)

the perfect crime
go on how would you commit the perfect crime?

I just realised that I could possibly get away with anything if I left a fake 'police aware' sign at the scene


what would you do?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 27 Jul 2007, 20:16, Reply)

Have you ever met anyone famous?
My dad worked with Judi Dench, and my cousin is a famous snooker player (not that i have met him).

Probably the most famous person i have ever met was Anthony Costa from Blue. He was a complete twat.

How about you?
(ladyflash Formally known as "oshi_", Wed 25 Jul 2007, 17:51, Reply)

qotw suggestion
things that u have got stuck in your body?. . . .

i once got a spoon wedged in the roof of my mouth. took me a minute of panicing and about 30 seconds to remove! what fun
(norcomark CNUT abbreviation for CANUTE, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 12:29, Reply)

Forgot who your talking to?
Ever forgotten who your talking and said something incredibly inappropriate?

I was talking to a friend of a friend and burst out with the Pope and Madeline joke much to their horror and disgust.
(Jizzbiscuits-Murphy wroted this on, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 11:30, Reply)

"I'm flattered but no thanks"
pretty self explanitory really. i had a mate who offered me a blow job once. we go to an all boys school.

we don't talk anymore.
(Master Woo is a dick, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 1:02, Reply)

Who's the biggest asshole you've ever met?
I think I found mine the other day: only watched him for about two minutes but it was all pure a-hole gold.

Guy in a suit jacket, t-shirt and jeans gets off a busy train in rush hour, walks into the lift amidst a big crowd and pushes the button as he goes in, while there are still about 20 people behind him, making the doors shut on everyone. He then spies a guy with a golf club, strikes up a twatty conversation and says "It's either golf of women, am I right? Huh buddy?" The guy responds, "Actually my wife's a keen golfer." Silence, until the lift gets to the top and he pushes past a pregnant woman.

The dickhead even held up people even more by claiming the Oyster machine was broken, only to be told by a guard "You've got no money on your card." I actually stood and watched him be an asshole.
(MrSnuggly, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 0:35, Reply)

Good Advice
What is the best piece of advice or warning you have passed on? I warned my son's girlfriend about asparagus making your piss stink as she had never had asparagus before. She was suitably impressed as I had just cooked them asparagus with cheese sauce.

"pop" Length? Not much but it filled a pram.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 24 Jul 2007, 15:36, Reply)

Peopel with odd names
The Times has just done a list of awful celebrity names. There are some real disasters in there like: Camera, Audio Science (really), Ireland, Sage Moonblood, Kal-El, Moxie Crime Fighter (yes! really) and Pilot Inspektor.

But who have you met with an odd or unusual name?
(Bob the Scutter, Tue 24 Jul 2007, 15:06, Reply)

acts of god
now that most of the country is now flooded*, does anyone have some deliciously inappropriate natural disaster stories?



*believe it or not there are many places outside of the M25
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 23 Jul 2007, 19:33, Reply)

Caught in the act
Please please please post the suggestion further down of "Have your parents ever caught you wanking?"!! I have an excellent story about a guy I went to school with (no seriously, it really is a friend, not me!) and I'm absolutely bursting for an excuse to tell it!!
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Mon 23 Jul 2007, 3:47, Reply)