I don't know why I did this.
Primary school, one of the first days of Year 3. For some reason I thought it'd be a good idea to sharpen a pencil over the head of the person sitting next to me. I don't think it went over very well, though I can't remember exactly what happened anymore...
(Treeki, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 4:27, 58 replies)

All posts should end like this

( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 8:06, closed)

Congratulations
You have managed to post the worst answer to QOTW of all time. Quite an achievement.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 8:18, closed)

clearly you mean 'best'

( manolith hooray for me, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:28, closed)

Bravo! More like this, please.
I am so very pleased that you chose to spend your time, and thus consume mine, by sharing this poignant and witty tale of youthful derring-do. One can only wonder at what other crazy japes you got up to during your wild and wacky schooldays. If you are able to not-quite remember any more yarns, please do the world of literature a massive favour and post them immediately.

****** 'A must-read - simply wonderful'
Paul Ross, News of the World
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 8:37, closed)

I don't think anyone will have a tale to top this corker.
I'm looking forward to more of your stories.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 8:41, closed)

YOU MONSTER!

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 8:47, closed)

TREEKI FOR QOTW TOP MOD!

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 21 Feb 2012, 8:49, closed)

I think we need to find out who you are and where you live.
The fact that you are still at large causes me grave concern.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 8:50, closed)

Ha ha

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 8:51, closed)

I'm going to stick my neck out
and assume that your victim got pencil shavings in their hair. This would have been rather itchy, so he/she would have reached up to scratch, thus driving the shavings into their scalp, and administering a significant dose of lead/graphite poisoning directly to their brain.
If he/she is still alive, I would expect them to be confined to a wheelchair, and fed through a tube. I hope you're proud of yourself.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 8:55, closed)

Let's not forget that his victim was a child.
Won't someone think of the children?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 8:59, closed)

That's how Hitler started.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 8:56, closed)

AND finished

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:00, closed)

Adolf often did this trick at meetings in the wolf's lair.
They'd all snigger at Goring as Hitler sharpened pencils over his head.
Those cheeky nazis!
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:09, closed)

those naughty rascals

(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:25, closed)

That's how people get lead poisoning, you maniac

( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:14, closed)

we have a winner

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:15, closed)

i'm here to be remembered

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:24, closed)

Have you ever done something to mitigate the feelings of guilt?

( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:27, closed)

thank you for this. i mean it

( manolith hooray for me, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:28, closed)

This post...

Doesn't deserve the quality of replies that have been attached to it.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:32, closed)

I really hope it wins the QOTW
Like when that fat cunt nearly won that pop singer competition thing on the television. It would also be like when also those wags put 'Jedi' on their census forms.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:36, closed)

The time for 'officelols' has long since come and gone...

I'm now sitting here with tears streaming down my face.

I don't know if it counts but I'm clicking the OP, and every single reply...including this one.

I will do whatever I can do to make this masterpiece win.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:44, closed)

But treeki, there _is_ no pencil. There _was_ a pencil, 100 years ago to the day, but it died in a house fire.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:37, closed)

In years to come, when people ask me where I was when the world discovered its new Shakespeare
I will be able to say that I was here. At the very heart of literary revolution. At the eye of the cyclone. That when the dogs bollocks appeared, they were fucking tea bagging me.

Savour this moment lads, we'll be dining out on this for the rest of our lives.
( Kroney, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:37, closed)

This groundbreaking post
is the Sex Pistols' Lesser Free Trade Hall gig of internet journalism.

Not many people were there - but all those that were went off and formed blogs of their own.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:43, closed)

I'm looking forward to receiving my OBE
purely for being in the same corner of the internet when this happened.
( Kroney, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:46, closed)

I can't wait until my daughter is older so I can share this groundbreaking piece of the internet with her.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 9:48, closed)

I know where I was when Lennon died.
I know where I was when Diana died.

I even know where I was when Carradine died.

I know where I was when Treeki died.

One word: epoch.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 10:09, closed)

Poetry.

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 10:16, closed)

That was a dick move, Treeki. A dick move.
That guy has probably spent the last 40 years planning revenge for this.
( JessAction Give me all your expensive brandy and hubcaps., Tue 21 Feb 2012, 10:24, closed)

I like the way all the messages above this post completely misses this point

(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 10:26, closed)

That'd be a pretty outstanding achievement
given that it's only been about 9 years since that happened. If nothing, can I at least take credit for the indirect invention of the time machine? I'd be completely happy with that.
(Treeki, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 15:46, closed)

Movie Voice Man: In a world with regret.
*Sound of kids playing* The screen fades from black to kids playing in a playground, with a deep 'inception' style sound (a single low note on a chellow)... and to black again.

Movie Voice Man: In a time of innocence distroyed.
*Sound of kids playing* The screen fades from black to a kid at a breakfast table saying "Mummy, I love you". (a single low note on a chellow)... and to black again.

Movie Voice Man: In a classroom of remorse.
*Sound of kids playing* The screen fades from black to a close up of a pencil. (a single low note on a chellow)... and to black again.

Movie Voice Man: On that one faitfull day.
*Sound of kids playing* The screen fades from black to a close up of door slamming "I HATE YOU MUMMY". (a single low note on a chellow)... and to black again.

Movie Voice Man: A boy....
*Sound of kids playing* The screen fades from black to the back of a girl's golden hair in a classroom. (a single low note on a chellow)... and to black again.

Movie Voice Man: will have vengance.
*Sound of kids playing* The screen fades from black to a pencil going into a pencil sharpener. (a single low note on a chellow)... and to black again.

Movie Voice Man: Coming to a cinema near you soon.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 10:31, closed)

Chellow!
Ha!
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:17, closed)

*click*
for simplicity
(Crompton, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 10:33, closed)

The whole of this thread is epic
thanks for making me laugh like a loon once again b3ta!
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Tue 21 Feb 2012, 10:36, closed)

i just want to be part of this thread.
DON'T JUDGE ME.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 10:54, closed)

TOO LATE

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:17, closed)

DONE IT ON A PLATE

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:23, closed)

You ought to HB ashamed of yourself. Tssk.

( Dervel OTBC, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:45, closed)

Good point.

( RiffRaff lurking like a lurky thing, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 18:26, closed)

Fear not, good people!
I was going to contact the nominating juries of the Pulitzer prize committee, but it appears word has already got to them, and a shiny gold medal is being couriered by Harrier Jump Jet to Treeki's front door as we speak.

This post's sheer magnificence is not befitting of mere typed words on a screen; this emotive masterpiece of prose should be lovingly written on a parchment, in finest gilded caligraphy, with an accomplished artist commissioned to perform an overly elaborate versal letter.
(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:16, closed)

Cool story

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:54, closed)

To those who complain that QotW isn't as good as it used to be, and to those who think that it's better than ever:
This post is evidence. Of what, I'm not sure. But it's definitely evidence.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:58, closed)

As such,
I shall take it down and use it against you.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 14:25, closed)

I honestly can't remember...

A thread funnier than this in recent memory.

I stand and applaud you all for your culmination of efforts to make this (imho) one of the greatest moments in B3ta history.

I was in the pub only a few minutes ago - and felt compelled to read out this post (and the subsequent replies) to my companions. I had to stop half a dozen times to wipes the tears of sheer.fucking.funniness away. Again.

I think it's been mentioned above - but thank you B3tards. You may not care, but I've had a pretty crappy day overall, and this has cheered me up no end.

You're all fucking brilliant, you bunch of sarcastic genius bastards.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 21 Feb 2012, 15:25, closed)

Uh.
Thanks for the award. I feel honoured to know that my first ever post on QOTW has made b3ta history...

Also, for the record, I'm pretty sure it wasn't an actual lead pencil. Were those still available back in 2002?
(Treeki, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 15:42, closed)

Oh stop....please stop!!!!....
You've set me off again.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!

*cries like a baby gayer*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 21 Feb 2012, 15:43, closed)

Do I want to know what a gayer is?

(Treeki, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 15:47, closed)

I think I may actually piss my pants now...

I don't care what happens at work - I'm going back to the pub to celebrate this.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 21 Feb 2012, 15:51, closed)

Oh, b3ta.
But seriously, I don't understand. I'm guessing it's some inside joke I'm missing or something. :(
(Treeki, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 15:57, closed)

*applause*

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 10:38, closed)

I hereby declare
that this should be added to the archive, and that all Honda Accord / MASSIVE DRUG related replies in future also include a reference to pencil sharpenings on the head.
(King Nightmare, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 15:50, closed)

in 2012, no post, no book, no movie, has entertained me as much as this thread has.
it has literally provided me with hours of laughing myself silly.
(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 15:55, closed)

I want this thread to end right now.
But I also want it NEVER to end. Such is its perfect majesty. Cheerio.
(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Wed 22 Feb 2012, 11:44, closed)

Your victim has since tried to erase this from his memory.

(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 18:51, closed)

This isn't showing on Treeki's profile as the best answer to a question.
It should.

Frankly, it should appear on all our profiles as an example of how it's done.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 21:47, closed)