Me and three friends were standing around

and I said "I'm incredibly pretentious".

And one of my friends said, "that's interesting, because I'm incredibly pretentious too. I'm nowhere near as important as I think I am".

And then another friend said "how about that - I also am incredibly pretentious. I'm nowhere near as important as I think I am, and nobody cares what I think about the World Bank".

And then the final friend said "well, I wasn't going to say anything, but..." - until me and my other two friends said

"Oh no, not U2."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 11:26, Reply)

I got a tattoo last year,
and only discovered last weekend that the bloke what done it was the lead singer from Sheep On Drugs.

Er... that's it. Should get my bro-in-law to post, as I think he knew someone from Magnum as well... small world!
( PastorSauce : easy on the anchovies..., Fri 30 Jun 2006, 11:25, Reply)

when I first heard 'Shivers' on the radio

I thought "Tuh, some pretentious idiot trying to be Nick Cave".

How right I was.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 11:20, Reply)

Australian goth / singer-songwriter Nick Cave

at a gig of his, asked the audience what they wanted to hear next.

People started shouting out different songs, until someone said "Shivers!". Then everyone took that up.

And then he sheepishly said "this one's called 'From Her to Eternity'" and launched into the song he presumably intended to do all along.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 11:19, Reply)

I had a foot-long 'hero sandwich'
which was suprisingly delicious. So much so that I shared it with my friends.

All of us agreed, it was a rockin' roll.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 11:13, Reply)

The Complete Stone Roses
After hearing The Complete Stone roses were doing a small secret gig (on some guys garden stage), I managed to skive work and make it down. I caught the last of their set but unknown to me, a small Sheffield band had just supported them. To say these guys were worse for wear would be an understatement. As the night drew in, I was asleep in my tent, when I was cruelly awoken by my own drowning, due to the running hose pipe that had been inserted through the gaping hole cut into the nylon. When I awoke, I went to find the culprit(s). After I went into the house (to my disgust) I find the lead singer (of the afformentioned Sheff band) wearing nothing but a vest, pleasuring himself with a Dyson Dual Cyclone. Sick to the stomach I went outside to discover the Bassist fighting with the Complete Stone Roses (plumpish) tour manager. To say the manager was angry would be accurate, but when he took his shirt off and the Bassist shouted "Titties" (in his best Scottish accent) he went wild. Ive never seen so many veins appear so quickly on a forehead. I think it took about 10 people to split them up.



I wasn't going to name the band, but fuck it. they were called Vegas Child.
(RandomTwat, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 10:51, Reply)

Fake Cardboard Rock Band
During my years at university (all right... art school) I decided that I was going to be a rock star.
I decided that not being able to play a musical instrument, sing or dance would not stop me and using Milli Vanilli as a starting point, set about changing the world through my music.
My band was called 'The Rebel City Taunt', which was the worst name I could come up with and the rest of the band were equally talentless students from my course and aroudn the city of Oxford.

this is the clever bit unlike me, they consisted of 7 attractive women equiped with 2D cardboard instruments and had no prior knowledge of the music which we were to perform.
Needless to say the band went down a treat, despite the fact that I simply mimed to Rasmus tracks on a CD interspersed with my own pre-recorded links.

Pics of us 'playing' The Cellar and The Zodiac here
( WormuIus, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 10:21, Reply)

Magnum Story number 2
For the last gig of a very long tour, Magnum had a massive pyro finale lined up, which had cost a huge a mount of money. It was to go off during the last few seconds of the final number. It consisted of 2 huge cannons at the front of the stage on either side, and various other bits towards the back - all triggered by the pryro guy with the press of a button.

So, it gets to a few seconds before it's all due to go off, and Ben (my friend) looks over at the pyro guy in the wings, who has a rather worried expression on his face. He motions towards the lead guitarist, who is stood towards the front of the stage, in the middle of a guitar solo. His head is hanging right over one of the cannons.

So - they obviously had a split decision to make. Either not bother with the pyros, miss the moment, and go out with a whimper - or, just go for it. Ben looked at pyro guy. Pyro guy looked at Ben. They both shrugged their shoulders in an 'Aaah fuck it' kind of way, and pyro guy hit the button.

As the smoke cleared, the guitarist stood up, and he had a completely black face, and what was left of his hair was standing on end. Apparently, he couldn't have looked any more like a comedy blown up person if he'd tried. He also completely lost his hearing in both ears for 2 days, but agreed with the rest of the band that what had to be done, had to be done.
(8-Ball, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 10:17, Reply)

Bang hard, strum gentley.
I got my banjo string snapped once. Not very rock and roll, but it hurt like hell.
(Hampton St.Roker (has probably had your mum), Fri 30 Jun 2006, 10:14, Reply)

The most memorable;
Offspring Visit to the TOTP studios with my (then 10-year old) son to see the mighty Offspring doing some live recording. Security refused entry because you have to be 15 to go into the studios. Sony A&R man pretended we were great mates of the band and somehow we ended up in the backstage area of TOTP ... unattended... Wandered into the bands changing rooms, posed for photos with the geeky looking bloke from the "pretty fly for a white guy" video and then wandered into a different studio and sat on the sofas with the Radio 1 people while they did an interview with the band and then promptly got lost in the warrens of the backstage area until we bumped into Shania Twain...

Grinspoon/Electric Eel Shock Got refused entry to the Australia Day bash at PoNaNa (London) a couple of years ago when I took two 14-year old lads to see Electric Eel Shock support Oz band Grinspoon. James, EES's manager ended up getting the owner of PoNaNa onto the street to argue with him in front of about 100 bouncers, at which point Grinspoon arrived and headed for the stage entrance. Owner says, "go and get their autographs", so we quickly ran after them, through the stage door and then got horribly lost. After about 20-minutes of wondering around in a truly Spinal Tap manner, security eventually found us and threw us out. The owner was laughing his head off and the kids thought it was the best night out they'd ever had.

Roskilde The stage crew of the Arena stage (2nd stage) invited us all back to their private backstage camp after an EES gig, ended up drinking until 7am and most bizarrely, even though they were all Danish, they found a Union Jack from somewhere, hoisted it up an improvised flagpole and stood around singing "God Save The Queen", very, very loudly until the stage manager woke up and threatened to throw them out. Made even more surreal by the fact that the band are Japanese and didn't really understand what was going on...

Beta Band Got exceedingly pissed in a 4-star Manchester hotel with the beautiful and lovely Beta Band, a monster session of White Russians ended at 4am with my mate skateboarding round the hotel lobby with a ganja pipe in his mouth and somebody in the band deciding to break about 200 glasses on the grounds that they "should fucking clean up sometime". For some reason, the hotel management thought this was perfectly normal and acceptable behaviour for guests.

Bloodhound Gang (One of James's many true stories); Aftershow in Hamburg in some titty bar, Jimmy Pop gets called to the stage and proceeds to jump from table to table knocking drinks,bottles and whole tables flying. Bouncers are unamused and decide to eject him, by which time he's got to the stage and to avoid a fight jumps up and graps the mirror ball over the stage, which promptly falls out of the ceiling bringing half the roof with it. Owner looks over at the tour manager who quickly holds his wallet up at which point the owner calls off the goons, safe in the knowledge that BG's tour support is going to a worthwhile cause. Now that's Rock 'n' Roll.


This space left clear for a length/girth joke
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 10:04, Reply)

Ghetto Story
Two years ago I worked for a rigging/lighting company at Uni (we got paid in bottles of alchohol;my preference being gin.) Our ents manager at the time, a small 'homie' from the 'ghetto' of somewhere very un-street (possibly a suburb of Kent), a small, irate, chubby man who thought just because he 'woz black' it gave him some kind of legal right to say 'brethren' and wear trousers so baggy MC Hammer considered them a little over the top. I digress.

Amongst other bookings (Beenie Man being one I remember, this was Bradford Uni, yes, it ended in a riot) he booked aging wannabe gangsta Tim Westwood. His rider contained bottles of Crystal (I kid you not, I think our budget stretched to a single bottle, which he didn't drink, and took home!) and a CD mixer (no pesky records for this bad-ass mo-fo, incidentally, he had absolutely no idea how to use it). He acted like such a twat it would have been amusing had we not found out that a) we had to do whatever he said, like putting up posters advertising his shitey album and b) he was getting ten grand yes TEN GRAND for four hours of work. And his travel paid extra!?

His 'set' involved playing the same few songs over and over and occasionally using a sound fx cd to play gunshot, at which point he would shout 'driveby!', talking, I'm assuming, about his previous role with McDonalds. He would also shout 'lets go lets go lets go' a lot, something which most of the people who'd paid £10 a ticket to stand in the basement of Bradford uni's student union and listen to a man old enough to be their father try and be down with the kids were thinking.

Though in the end the dissapointed gig-goers, us crew, and the general public all had the last laugh. The first was finding out Tim Westwood had lied to us about being from London (he's from the Midlands), that he wasn't 35 (he was 47) and the third was 'Pimp My Ride UK'.
(Northern Lovely, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 9:56, Reply)

I have 2 awesome
stories from a friend of mine who used to play in a band called Magnum in their very early days (heavy metal, were semi-famous back in the day).

1. Once, they were playing a gig in a medium-sized hall. Because of building works, the layout meant that to get from the dressing room to the stage, you had to go outside, and then back in through the doors to the side of the backstage area.

For this particular tour, they had a pretty epic entrance, where the lights went down, and Carmina Burana ( www.symphony.org/audio/carmina1.mp3 ) started playing, and then they would all appear onstage in a blur of pyros and lights.

This time, however, as Carmina Burana started playing, while making their way backstage, the band realised that they were locked outside, as the fire doors had swung shut.

So, as the huge, swelling chords of Carmina Burana died out, all that could be heard was the pathetic sound of the band banging on the door backstage, asking to be let in.
(8-Ball, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 9:52, Reply)

Inventor of Hip Hop
I've hung out in the backstage area of Brixton Academy with not just Kool DJ Herc, inventor of Hip Hop, but Grand Wizard Theodore, inventor of scratching. One of my life's high points I have to say.
Having to entertain Riz and Sizzahands of the Crooklyn Clan was one of the worst - Riz is one of the dullest people to ever have been born. Even looking like Chevy Chase didn't help him.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 9:47, Reply)

cheesy raver on acid to security guard quickchange incident
years and years ago, we went to the feile festival in ireland (normally called the "trip to tip"). the prodigy were due to play, but back then they were better known for happy hardcore nonsense. so to take the piss out of them, i stole a load of hi-vis vests from the council tip where i was working, and we pretended to be cheesy ravers.

soon we noticed that the security guards were all wearing the same hi-vis vests as us, so we started taking the piss out of them too.
at some point around this time we got served some really high powered acid. next thing i knew, i was walking through the backstage gates with a bunch of security guards, barely able to speak due to the acid kicking in.

once backstage i got the FEAR - so i ran off and hid in the scaffolding under the main stage. only here, as i wandered through the big metal forest with the beautiful south playing two feet above my head, i got the true FEAR. so i ran for help to the nearest gate, where i was promptly thrown out of the ground.

ah, good times.
(big fat lazy man on a sofa is giving his piles a bloody good clawing, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 9:40, Reply)

Missed opportunity
I was once in Old Trafford Mall buying a cheap travel guitar to amuse my self in my hotel with when I noticed a large hubbub happening at the HMV nearby. I walked over to explore and low and behold none other than the Cheeky Girls were signing autographs as a promotion for their current single. The queue was quite long.

Looking at my new guitar in hand, an idea popped into my head. I could run over to the WH Smiths, buy an indelibile ink pen, and then stand in the queue and ask the Cheeky Girls to sign my new guitar. Just imagine how cool it would be to have cheap acoustic guitar signed by both of the Cheeky Girls! But I didn't. I was lazy and left instead. One of my biggest mistakes, actually.
(mrfalafel, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 9:27, Reply)

Rather tragic really
A friend and I got invited backstage at a gig by The 69 Eyes (cheesy finnish goth band)and just as i was about to leave (no free booze + loads of underage goth chicks = school disco atmosphere) the bassist started talking to me.

After a whole 2 minutes of chit chat he mentioned that there were strawberries and champagne in the other backstage area and that i should come with him so that we could enjoy ourselves(looks at his crotch and winks). I laughed and left. It was all rather tragic really.

Anther time my frienda and i barged backstage at a gig by Zoot Woman, met them all, got signatures and photos, and then stayed there and emptied their fridge (they left quite early, we got booted out into the daylight when the club closed).
(chesty, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 9:07, Reply)

I used to work in the local concert hall...
the first ever band that came through were Goldie Looking Chain..

At first I was sceptical but then they came and dumped a big bag of weed on the table, this wouldn't have been anything unusual, except that the concert hall was riiiight next to the central police station. At the time I was a bit of a stoner (being a uni student), so was happy. Not only that but on chatting they got 4 of my friends in on the guest list (I was housemate of the year) and gave me a t-shirt.

All in all very nice chaps.
( Chorizowagon Came wandering back on, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 8:53, Reply)

About four years ago...
After a particularly unimpressive gig I was followed around the Zodiac in Oxford by a rather forlorn Pete Doherty.
He kept asking me if I wanted to go and score some smack, whining 'you fancy Carl, don't you' and trying to get me to drink out of miniatures from his jacket pocket.

The last straw came when he tried to kiss me, lunging at me with his spotty wet face and brown junkie teeth. I twatted him round the face, he went missing for two days and they had to play the next gig on the tour without him.

Tosser.
(Neo Nervosa, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 8:51, Reply)

My first ever (and only) gig.............
When I was back in England last summer, I was asked to do the Sunday night guest spot at the local members only club my mum goes to and very reluctantly accepted it (background - have been taking voice lessons for 3 years and I can sing very well but am extremely shy when it comes to singing in public).
I figured I'd do it on the last weekend and that way nobody would be able to pick on me afterwards.

So........did a massive stinky nervous fart backstage before I went on, much to the amusement of the band. I actually did a very good job considering I hadn't even rehearsed with the band (it was just covers), they led all the way and covered up the 2 or 3 mistakes I made.
Rock and roll moment?? The 15 people or so that got up and danced when I sang Jambalaya! Nobody ever got up and danced to the guest spot in that place, ever!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 8:47, Reply)

I saw Michael Portillo in the Tate Modern
/middle-class blog
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 8:28, Reply)

At a Bently Rythmn Ace gig at The Beach in Brighton
I turned the right when looking for the gents and went through the first door I found upstairs.

Fatboy Slim and BRA were sat round a table having a nice chat. I apologised and went back downstairs.

It was the night FBS announced he was getting married. Yeah, not very rock 'n' roll.
(Papagato RackSpanner, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 8:05, Reply)

One of many...
This was at the legendary Holidays in the Sun punk festival in Morecambe. After consuming 20 pints of stella and missing most of the bands due to trying to pull some crazy punk girls 10 years our senior we saw that Chaz and Dave were playing (yes, at a punk fest), something that we couldn't miss. We dragged this chicks along, then dived in to the mosh pit (imagine it, a hundred people donned in spikey leather jackets with purple mohawks, moshing to "Rabbit Rabbit" by Chaz and Dave...fucking sereal) After the madness the punk girls had dissapeared, we spent 2 hours staggering pissed round Morecambe from 11pm trying to find them again. Ahhh welll there is always next year....
(GIbbonsrwild, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 7:39, Reply)

When I were a lad
way back when girls' hair was crap and mobile phones were the size of a small van, our unknown punk band arrived to do a gig up North and found we'd been double booked with the legendary Attila The Stockbroker.

When Attila arrived he just said 'No, let the lads go on, they're all right.' Even though (like everyone else) he'd never heard of us.

We played the whole set with a very drunken Attila standing right at the front, bottle of broon in each hand, dancing like a nutter and shouting 'You're f*ckin' great lads, you're f*ckin' great!'

Ace gent.
(><(((">, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 7:07, Reply)

Rock Stories..
Last year in Sydney I was back stage after a Queens of the Stoneage show in Sydney and drank red wine for hours with Joey the drummer and Josh Homme. Such good guys. We got real loose and had a good ol' time! They sent me an email later saying how much fun they'd had.Rock!

Also...last week (also in Sydney) hooked up with People Under the Stairs and boozed on with some supporting MC from LA. What a softcock!We had to carry the poor flyweight out to there hirecar to sleep it off. Thought those LA guys were supposed to be hard as nails.Wrong!
(semtec, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 5:07, Reply)

My sister....
after a heavy night on the chaz popped out early in the morning to score some more. She arrived at her dealers house to find Robbie Williams sat on her dealers doorstep. He told her the man in question was still in bed, so they sat and had a chat 'till he woke up, both scored and went their seperate ways.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 4:11, Reply)

I kid you not
I was working backstage on a shitty BBC live event and about 2 minutes before they were due to go on I had to quickly show the lead singer of some crappy boy band (911 I think) how to remove / replace a microphone from its stand.
I'm thinking it may of been their first 'live/mime to a tape' performance but FFS. putting a microphone in its stand ain't rocket science.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 2:59, Reply)

well... for you IDM headz
i got punched by in my back while watching ceephax. i turned around and Richard d james was there grinning, so i shook his hand and walk away.

also after a gig in birmingham, me, my friend, ove naxx, scotch egg, Kunt and Dj Shitmat caught a taxi to our hotel.. the taxidriver got lost, Cue a shitmat rampage. i found it faily funny. though ove naxx was sitting next to me and he kinad slid down and hid. we never did find the hotel but we managed to crash at another hotel.



another time.. at 4am me, a friend, mully, chris clark, tim exile and shitmat, was on brighton beach playing the "would you rather.." game when mully found a passed out body on the sea front, tim exile proceeded in a great fashion to save this guys life by taking him back to his flat and made sure he was ok. i proceeded to pass out after messing around on a 1/4 size acoustic guitar with chris clark.
(Richard Pryor setting himself on fire while freebasing crack cocaine in the 80's I ONLY USE PAINT!!?!?!?!!, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 1:03, Reply)

Karen O
Gobbed water on me.

Shit, that's lame...
(Whiskeyklone, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 0:55, Reply)

Iggy Pop
Back in 2000 at Falls Festival in Australia I was hanging around near the backstage area smoking a spliff waiting for my girlfriend when Iggy Pop walked past. It was about 10 minutes into 2000 and he'd just done his show plus the midnight countdown. He smelled my spliff and asked for a puff so I said sure. He ended up smoking my entire joint but that was ok because he excitedly talked nonstop for 45 minutes about his recent tour and even though I understood not a single word of what he said it was still entertaining.

After finishing talking he realised he'd smoked my entire joint so he gave me a six pack of beer as compensation and left. I then realised I hadn't found my girlfriend so I went searching, found her five minutes later pashing on with another guy. We're still together and to this day she claims being so munted she thought the other guy was me. Rock and roll RULES!
(Brundy, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 0:14, Reply)

OK two more stories
1. I was in Sting's rather nice manor house in Wiltshire the day the shit hit the fan, when they discovered the accountant had creamed quite a bit of money. I had to get paid for my work and would normally invoice his company, but because of the problems Sting decided to write me a cheque from his personal account there and then.
I bet you are wondering what name his account is under. Here's a clue, it is Mr. Gordon Sumner.

2. Tam is Sting's tour manager, lovely Scottish chap, likes a wee dram. While on tour they had to play in Moscow, and had to fly the gear there. Because of time constraints Tam, Sting and a few others went in the same plane. A Russian plane.

There were a few seats in the back, and behind this were all the flight cases. Sting had a seat by the door, Tam didn't have a seat, so he sat with the flight cases holding his precious duty free scotch.

During the flight, the side door blew open and almost sucked Sting out. He somehow managed to strap himnself in as did the others.
Tam meanwhile hung grimly to the flight cases.

He told me it was the scariest time of his life, he managed to tie himself to a large case. And when the plane landed his bottle of Scotch was empty.

edit/ It was a prop cargo plane so they didn't need oxygen
( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 0:12, Reply)