Save on meat
by killing and eating homeless people.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Sat 12 Nov 2011, 17:22, 6 replies)

Have as many children as possible...
Because then its more likely that one of them will make it big in Hollywood.

Then who's paying the bills? Hollywood kid...
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 16:46, Reply)

If you've got good friends then why not have a bring-a-bottle barbecue?
OK, you have to pony up for some buns and a sack of charcoal and a sheet or two of beer but as everyone brings various meats and drinks (and in nearly every case people bring more than they consume), you end up with plenty of unused booze and meat afterwards- and best of all everyone has a good time into the bargain.

Sure, someone may chunder in the geraniums and a lolwhacki mentalist might smash things up with a hammer or try and set people on fire or there may be the odd punchup but if you don't announce it on the b3ta calendar then you should be safe...
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 12 Nov 2011, 16:17, 1 reply)

Make your chrimbo presents
Make chutney, cake, spiced meat rub, fruit vodkas etc. to give to people at Christmas instead of buying expensive gifts. Its easy to learn how to make such things and people will appreciate them much more than a piece of "funny" tat bought at the last minute.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 16:13, 9 replies)

vehicules
I love to drive. However i recently had my beloved minibus nicked. When i tallied up the cost of parts, petrol, and especially the outrageous insurance premiums, i realised i had been spending about £150 a month for three years on a cheapy old £500 minibus.
As i dont need to drive to work, ive started using zipcar for when i need a car for a couple of hours and hire places when i need one for longer. You get fuel included with zipcar and either solution gets me vehicles no more than 2 years old. My motoring bills have gone down to approx 25% of what they were.
Also, i'm sure most people on here know about it but ive saved at least £2k in the 5 years or so ive been using moneysavingexpert.com - its not a comparison site, doesnt advertise and saves u a load of cash.
(rampants, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 15:52, 1 reply)

I imagine dchurch has already posted the winner
But I'll still add that if you're finances are in some disarray and you seem to be skint a lot, then draw up a spreadsheet and list your incomes and all your bills, you may well be surprised at how much spare cash you have left for food, transportation costs, socialising etc.

Pay off any credit cards and cancel them, or maybe keep one or two for emergencies.

Also, plan your week's meals and then get your week's shopping in one go, and stick to your weekly meal plan too and don't eschew a meal and get a takeaway instead.

And don't be afraid to visit the yellow fronted Eurostores such as Aldi and Lidl, they're not cheap nasty products, but rather regular European brands just relabelled.

Finally, although rice is cheap, you might find you're probably wasting a fair bit. The chances are you're probably cooking twice as much as you need because the stuff doubles in size when you boil it up.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 15:19, 5 replies)

Prostitutes
are actually cheaper than being married, plus the sex-life doesn't wane over time and is pretty consistent.

A proper escort is better still because then you still get to go out places with female company every so often.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 15:09, 3 replies)

Cut out the non-essentials
Make your own lunch: skip going to the canteen or buying a limp sandwich and packet of crisps from the garage. Use leftovers from previous nights meals to make a lunch. Invest in one of these for keeping soups, stews and curries hot if you don't have access to a microwave. Even if you buy soup in a can you'll save a fortune.

Cut down on the TV: Do you need that extra Sky package? Do you need Sky at all? Come to that, how often do you watch live TV? Block off your aerial sockets and cancel your licence fee. Watch only DVDs (borrowed, of course). When the TV people knock on your door, show them the setup and how you don't receive live TV, then tell them to bugger off.

Don't waste money on petrol: Don't drive unless you absolutely have to. Walk, cycle, or cadge a lift off someone going the same way as you.

Grow your own veg and piss all over them: If you have space to do so grow your own veggies, if nothing else its a cheap hobby which will keep you busy most weekends. Urine can act as a decent fertiliser, especially for tomatoes, saving money on that (you just want to dilute it first, and its not a great idea if you are taking any medication).

Get free stuff: if you don't mind getting your name stuck on all sorts of mailing lists (temporary email addresses are good for this particular problem) you can get all sorts of free stuff online.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 13:50, 7 replies)

Save the cost of the Daily Mail
by finding the angriest tramp you can and asking them what they think of the darkies.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 13:45, 7 replies)

Spend to save...
Good quality lavvy roll. Helps you avoid fecal-finger and having to fold over more than once in order you can have an efficient wipe.

Obviously, it also means it's more difficult for the good lady to wrap it round and round her bloody hand before wiping...
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 13:28, 7 replies)

Top tip....
Rather than having an expensive girlfriend, chose a fat bird. Not only will you not have to have sexual intercourse but she will fill the fridge daily.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 13:26, 2 replies)

Top tip!
Save money on expensive pet food by not having a pet.
(Mong goose, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 13:07, 6 replies)

save money on bread
by disguising yourself as a duck and sitting in the pond in the park where the lonely old people go for a walk.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 10:13, 3 replies)

Serious money
For all you house owners or rentee's take aboard this sage knowledge. Myself and Mrs. DBW up until a few months ago lived in a 400yr old house. Massively charming and all that, but, cost a small fortune to run due to bad heating, electrics, insulation and problems with damp.

We suffered this for four years until we finally decided to leave the ancestral home (4 bedrooms). Now we've moved to a new build 5 bedroom which is slightly more expensive as we rent but have saved literally thousands over the past few months on heating and electricity. The house stays heated once warm, all electrics are new and the insulation is first class.

So, invest in your property or choose wisely what you rent cause it pays.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Sat 12 Nov 2011, 9:48, 4 replies)

Serious about saving money? Cancel your internet connection and use public access points like the library.

Oh, fuck, inconvenient?
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 8:46, 7 replies)

Play World of Warcraft.
Sure, there's a monthly outlay, but you'll save it plus more because you won't be going out, you won't have any friends, you won't eat, you won't spend money on any other video games, and the only time you'll drink is on jokey drunken guild runs of Blackwing Lair. As a bonus, you'll also lose weight.

This is actually how I managed to save money while living away from home as a student.
(ridethefader, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 8:31, 4 replies)

Shoplift
then stuff is free and if you get caught they might send you to prison. Bingo free rent and food.
( Peej, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 8:23, 1 reply)

Shop at Asda
They're 10% cheaper than the other big supermarkets. Ralf Little keeps telling me and he seems pretty trustworthy
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 6:20, 3 replies)

Food for weeks...
Large bag of cheap brand rice, Milk (powdered if you cant afford a fridge) and brown sugar. Boil up rice, burn sticks fron the back yard or park if need be, add milk & brown sugar to taste. Good for breaky , lunch and dinner. If you get sick of it, just go hungry for bit, then you'll feel like some more.
(M61A1 CUPID- STUNTS, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 3:54, 14 replies)

More like: I was broke. But I, at least, found this funny.
So I couldn't get a job. I had run out of money. I had run out of credit cards. One day, I was hungry. I needed some lunch. But there was no food in the house. I had no money. So I raided my girlfriend's small change box, and grabbed a handfull of one and two pence pieces. I was too lazy to actually count it. Looked like maybe just under a quid. Down to the supermarket.

I wandered around, carefully choosing cheap but calorific items like custard cremes. Looked like maybe just under a quids worth. Sweet. I was probably safe. If it was too much stuff, I'd just have to lose the custard cremes. It'd be embarrassing, but at least I'd eat. To the checkout.

"That'll be 93 pence, please."

"Um, okay, here you go." I gave her my handful of change. She gave me a dirty look, but when I am not forthcoming with bigger coins, and act like I actually expect her to accept legal tender in exchange for goods, as is her legal duty to accept, she starts counting. Turned out I had exactly 93 pence worth of pennies!

Checkout girl was much less impressed than myself, and looked like she was considering calling security, going so far as to look around to see if they were in earshot.
(Some Other Guy, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 3:19, 7 replies)

Want to save money in the long run? Stop using fucking price comparison websites for car insurace
From what i can gather and understand, its all a con to make you pay more in the long term, not just for insurance, but for anything else that you get on credit - credit cards, loans, mortgages, the lot.

WARNING: long winded text ahead.

Check the terms and conditions that you agree to when you do a quotation search on a comparison website. it gives permission for each and every insurer that the comparison websites search on your behalf to credit check you.

On my last bash at a comparison site for insurance, I got about 50 quotes returned (none which were cheaper than my renewal) and for my troubles, if i recall correctly, 10 'insurance' searches & 3 'credit' searches on my credit file from random insurance companies. Be aware the number of insurers doing credit searches for quotations is growing as new insurance rules regarding quotes and credit ratings have come into play (see below)

Now, normally an insurance company search of your file is for identification purposes only and does not show up to prospective lenders (eg, those quote searches on your credit file should not affect your credit score). Though whats happening with insurers in the last year or so is that they are now allowed to use your credit score as a factor when calculating your premium. This means that having a low credit score can put your quoted premium up (though not sure why the insurers think that a person who is in debt or managing money badly is a bad driver). Im guessing more insurers seem to be doing this as a way to screw more money out of people who can ill afford it (see here www.ukmoneypot.co.uk/bad-credit-bad-driver.htm - though note the article is nearly a year old and now comparison websites allow insurers to credit check you)

As I understand it, some of the crappier insurers will only offer the 'monthly payment' option once they have searched your credit - so the prospective insurer takes your agreement to the terms on the comparison site as permission to do those credit searches, before telling the comparison site what your 'monthly' premium will be. This is because some insurers offer monthly payments to the prospective insured via outsourced credit companies (eg banks or other lenders) and can only give an accurate monthly payment fee once the lender has assessed, based on a credit search of your credit file, what your interest rate should be. Think about it, how could a prospective insurer quote you a monthly fee on a comparison site, when the monthly fee is from an outsourced credit company - without doing this search and passing the data from your credit search over to their outsourced credit company for a quote?

dont believe me? Go and check on some comparison sites, read the terms and conditions. Lets take a look at the terms of a comparison site which has a really annoying advert, the below nugget of info is buried deep within the plethora of text (i wont elaborate on which comparison site, google the text below and you will see that pretty much all the comparison sites say this)

--begin
Credit searches

Many insurance and financial services providers operate a credit scoring system and will carry out checks with credit reference and fraud prevention agencies. These checks will include electoral roll and credit information. The insurance checks are registered as general insurance searches and may be viewed by other companies when you apply for credit or insurance. Often the financial services quotes you request will only do a credit check once you have decided on a particular supplier.....

PLEASE REMEMBER while we do not carry out credit searches on our website, our partners may do so at any stage of the quote process.

-end

Note that "partners" means "insurers" and that they say "Often the financial services quotes you request will only do a credit check once you have decided on a particular supplier", but what they do not say is that "always the financial services quotes you request will only do a credit check once you have decided on a particular supplier".

Additionally "any stage of the quote process" means any time until the comparison site displays a particular price for a particular insurer on your screen. My point is, some insurers do the checks at the comparison/quote stage and by using some comparison sites, you are agreeing to that happening and you are agreeing that those searches will show up to other lenders or insurance companies in future. And thats not just one search for all the quotes you get using the comparison website, thats one search for every insurance company that return a quote (should the company concerned decided to search you)

Why is this bad? Not only does pre-existing bad credit push your premium up, if you have more than three searches on your file within a few months of eachother then this pushes your credit score down. Loosely translated, the more credit searches you have in the past 12 months, the worse your credit rating is. In pushing the credit score down by doing comparison searches over lots of insurers, your chances of getting credit are reduced, your prospective interest rates are pushed up and - shock of shocks - your car insurance premiums go up. This means, purely and simply, that the more comparison quotes you do, the more risk there is that your credit score will go down and your insurance quotes will go up.. Its also no co-incidence the major comparison websites are either owned by major insurers, or have shareholders/financial backers that are major insurers.

So lets imagine I search for insurance quotes in month 1. Then again in month 2 and again in month 3 - Under this system, I would expect to see my premiums to have gone up in month 2 compared to month 1, and up more in month 3 compared to month 2. While many people would just think "meh, rising car insurance prices," not many would think "shit, did those quotes I did the last couple of months push this price up because the insurers were searching my credit file to quote me?"

Clever system, eh? Not many consumers have cottoned on to it yet.

My score at one credit agency dropped 30 points after using a popular comparison site just to find a new deal on car insurance. The point drop was nothing to do with how i manage my accounts (all accounts using less than 50% credit, all paid on time etc), it was all down to extra searches appearing on my file.

I hate comparison sites for this reason. Id rather just ring round a few proper places.
(shamen Geekius Maximus, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 3:13, 6 replies)

STOP BUYING BEER
It's perfectly easy to make a cunt of yourself without having to blame a molecule...
( finnbar has officially retired, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 1:59, 2 replies)

Relocate your family to Ethiopia
Apparently you can feed and educate a child for less than five pounds a month.
( Muns, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 1:20, 1 reply)

Don't go out drinking in London
And I don't even mean in the city. Finchley, zone 3, £4.60 for a a pint of Peroni. Just so we're clear, that's just shy of a fiver for a pint of lager. No surprise really that so many pubs are closing.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Sat 12 Nov 2011, 0:52, 21 replies)

cycling
Cycling on the Cheap
Right you fat lazy internet slobbers get out of your cars and off public transport, get yourself fit and wealthier with a bike. Christ knows how much it costs to drive to work or get public transport but it will be cheaper on a bike. Most good companies do a cycle to work scheme, get involved! Even if you don’t like the cycling sell the bike and raise some cash instantly that will get taken out of your wages. The price of decent bike componentry is rising all the time due to the strength of the yen against the pound. Therefore, if you get a £1000 bike and look after it the chances are you’ll get £800+ for it in a year. I actually made a profit one bike after 8 months of ownership. Some dodgy bike shops will buy the bike back off you right away so you can raise some cash. I love my bike even in the shite weather. I save loads of money but chew through tons of calories, but then again I can eat what the fuck I like without fear of becoming a lardarse.

Much love
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 23:57, 6 replies)

Save money on expensive video games
by just running round your garden with a stick and using your imagination.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 23:52, 3 replies)

Foraging in neighbours blackberry bushes in the middle of the night.
Is a decent way of acquiring free fruit.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 23:48, 3 replies)

Here comes the trial by fire
I had a big pile of small change, gathered up from a major whole-house tidy.

Now as many of you will know, you can sit and feed this to supermarket self-checkouts, and they will give you more useful denominations (notes, even) as change. Great. But how do you know how much you have to begin with?

Well you can do what the banks do - sort the coins out (manually because you haven't got a machine for it) into piles of all the same denomination, then weigh them. All coins of a particular denomination are (supposed to be) the same weight. Given a set of digital scales that read down to one gram, you ought to be able to get a fairly good estimate of how much is in your pile of smash.

Lardies and Gintlepong, I present - Calculate My Smash!

www.gjcp.net/smash/

Just sort your smash out into piles, weigh the piles, feed them into this handy website and it will tell you how much money you really have. Don't forget that to even the most skint of us, piles of change are "invisible" money - why, even when you're pretty broke, do you empty the shrapnel out of your pockets onto the bedside table "to sort out later"? Because it's too fiddly to deal with.

Anyway, melt my server. Bug reports and feature requests in the comments, please.
(gordonjcp, Fri 11 Nov 2011, 23:43, 15 replies)