The Arsehole
A bit of a long one, but bear with it...

Back in the day, as they say, I was part of a large group of assorted social misfits who used to hang around together, smoke loads of dope, take mushrooms and the occasional acid tab, and generally have lots of fun.

Our little social scene was mostly centred around a cellar somewhere in Birkenhead, that belonged to the parent's of two brothers, one of whom was the drummer in a couple of bands I played in. People would call round there all the time, get stoned and have endless jams. His parents were remarkably tolerant, all things considered. These were good fun times, until the smack started to appear...but that's another story.

Most of the people 'on the scene' were pretty cool. This was early 80's, so there was the usual assortment of punks, rockers, goths, skins etc. An interesting and colourful melting pot. There was of course, the occasional arsehole who nobody really liked...

There was one guy in particular who was made Steve Martin's character in the Jerk look like the Dude from the Big Lebowski. He was loud, obnoxious and had a peculiar lisp-like speech defect, so was destined to be a figure of fun from the word go.

His worst quality though was his constant bullshitting and bragging. If you had done something noteworthy, anything at all, and were telling someone else about it, he would jump in and tell you how he had done it bigger and better. He constantly bragged about how much money he had, how many women he was shagging, how much drugs and booze he could handle etc, etc. You get the picture - he was a twat of the highest order.

At some point, he started turning up regularly at the cellar late at night, totally off his face, having spent the evening at the local rock nightclub. He would then generally fall asleep, and be subjected to various forms of mild torture - dead arms and legs off four people at the same time was particularly memorable, he would writhe about like a slug and mumble some insult but would still come back for more next week.

One evening, myself and one of the brothers had partaken in a fine mushroom and dope cocktail, and were leaving the house for a visit to the all night garage for some munchies, when who did we spot lying on the grass by the half constructed flats down the road but...yes, you’ve guessed it, it was the arsehole himself!

We poked him a bit to make sure he was alive - he was, but was in an advanced state of dishevelment. He’d obviously been on his way to the cellar for some abuse, but decided to have a bit of kip instead. It was then that we noticed the money sticking out of his top jacket pocket.... tenners, and quite a few of them, 40 or 50 quid in all.

Now I’m not generally given to thievery, and I’m not particularly proud of myself, but this guy was the bane of everyone’s existence, so we weighed up the options...and we dipped into his pocket and took a tenner each. We left the rest of it, we weren’t completely ruthless, in fact I think we even zipped his pocket up for him to assuage our guilt a little.

It wasn’t a particularly cold night, and such was his monged out condition that we couldn’t have moved him anyway, so we decided to leave him there and go for munchies, and check on him when we got back. When we returned, he’d vanished.

The next night, we were in the local boozer, enjoying a pint or two on his money, when lo and behold, in he walked...

“You’ll never guess what happened to me last night” he says. “What was that?” we replied innocently, as we sipped our beers bought with his cash. “I got jumped and someone stole all my money!”.

If it was true, then it kind of negated us taking a tenner each, if it was just more bullshit, then I guess he deserved it anyway. In spite of a few pangs of guilt, it was a delicious moment.
(jellyknees, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 12:45, 85 replies)

I warn you
you are more than likely to get a thorough flaming for this because basically you acted like a cunt, stole someone's money and then apepar to be bragging about it.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:08, closed)

What a wonderfully sly way to call someone a cunt.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:14, closed)

thanks
I'm working on my tact
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:16, closed)

In his defence..
..he did think the guy was an arsehole because of his bragging.

Personally, I would have stabbed him for falling asleep in a 'Rawk Club'..
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:22, closed)

not really an excuse for robbing him while unconscious though

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:24, closed)

If you are a total cunt...
...you are hardly going to have the cojones to do it when he is awake. Even if you are 'rock', have mates who are 'tough goths', take drugs and are too cool to allow such lisping fools to get through a day without being robbed.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:28, closed)

Hahahahha
'tough goths'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:49, closed)

Pffft.
"Cheer up, Goth."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:54, closed)

and yet
here he is bragging about it.... does that mean he's now the arsehole and we get to rob him? :)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:12, closed)

That might be because
he is a cunt and he did steal someones money then brag about it.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:15, closed)

And here it is: THE FLAMENING...
By God, how on earth do you have the brass neck to call someone else an 'arsehole' having robbed an unconscious wastrel in the street? What kind of ghastly peasant are you?

The fellow may well have been an irritating braggart but from all you have said was otherwise harmless.

You, on the other hand, boast about hitting this chap repeatedly when he was asleep and the brilliant culmination of this is that you robbed him when he was unconscious.

Normal behaviour for your part of the country perhaps, but not where I come from, let me tell you.

Peasant.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:16, closed)

you seem to have become more upper class today
is it part of your illness?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:17, closed)

The rapscallion needed telling, dear boy.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:22, closed)

Rapscallion? as in a hip hop onion?

(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Wed 23 Dec 2009, 13:50, closed)

I wonder which monarch he thinks he is today?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:23, closed)

Oh, one of the Charles'
*waves hand airily*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:28, closed)

Charles Hawtrey more like.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:29, closed)

I say!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:31, closed)

This is how I've always pictured you
but with more facial hair.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:36, closed)

a suicidal, alcoholic bender?
Charmed, I'm sure....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:39, closed)

You're not suicidal are you?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:41, closed)

*cracks up*
I'll get you, Butler!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:42, closed)

Oddly enough...
...I have a signed picure of 'Blakey'. Found it at a car boot sale. Score.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:08, closed)

Hahaha
Man, your 18th-century thesaurus is working overtime today!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:18, closed)

A Precis:
Drug addicts torture and steal from handicapped man.


Needs more Honda.
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:17, closed)

you will fit in well here

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:18, closed)

'I like this'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:19, closed)

Sod 'like'-ing this, go and like my actual QOTW. I have delusions of grandeur and want a front page post as my first ever B3ta contribution.
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:23, closed)

already done it

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:25, closed)

thankee!
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:29, closed)

I clicked it too,
I couldn't be bothered to read the story though.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:42, closed)

Oh go on
It's got all sorts of lovely imagery in it, and a real life spang.
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:44, closed)

^ESP speaks the truth^

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:47, closed)

'Terminator X speaks with his hands'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:50, closed)

Best rap lyric ever:
"My DJ is warm; he's X - I call him Norm"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:53, closed)

So you picked on some guy because he had a lisp
and then nicked his money?

Nice.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:18, closed)

Jonathan Ross must be dropping bricks.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:23, closed)

What would be schadenfreude
is when the object of your post reads this, puts two and two together, lamps you, and takes your money. Then posts the story here.

That'd be schadenfreude, yes indeedy
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:19, closed)

Perhaps not schadenfreude, Lemon
but justice, maybe?
( kappynitty doubled your entendre on, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:29, closed)

Good point
Justice it would be.

I would experience schadenfreude if it happened though, if that's the correct way of using the word in context?
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:33, closed)

Hang on
he came into the pub and told you that he got jumped the night before and had his money stolen.

Are you actually retarded?

Did it not occur to you that the "being jumped" was him passing out and having his money stolen was actually you?

Yet you seem to think that he got mugged separately to you being a rancid little tea leaf.

I'm face palming quite hard at this point, I really am.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:27, closed)

What we have here, young Alphonse,
is a 'blithering idiot'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:29, closed)

OMG
I didn't read it that way.
I thought this wee shite realised that this was him.

Cock!
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:30, closed)

Yeah, and this happend in the eighties when £20 was a lot of money.

( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:33, closed)

This is what I thought.
£20 in the early 1980s was indeed quite a lot of dough.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:41, closed)

Amazing.
You are giving Birkenhead a bad name.

(Now that is not something you hear everyday is it?)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:33, closed)

I LIKE BREASTS

( broadsword now that's fresh, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:37, closed)

YAY!

( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:48, closed)

I cannot endorse this sentiment enough.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:52, closed)

Well there's 30 seconds of my life spent reading that, which I'll never get back.
In a way, not only did you rob an unconscious man in the street, you've also robbed all of us that read your story expecting ... something vaguely worth reading.

Jesus Christ.

Arsehole indeed.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:40, closed)

You read all that in 30 secs!?!
jesus, I thought I was a fast reader....

(all 3 books of LotR in 2 weeks. Inc. appendices. Aged 16. god I'm cool)
( kappynitty doubled your entendre on, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:47, closed)

My heart just broke for you
And I died a little bit inside...
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:56, closed)

even worse
I even had a map of Middle earth on my wall. My mum got it enlarged at work and then framed as a present. Unfortuantly by that point I'd emerged from the worst of my tendancies, but she was so chuffed I didn't have the heart to tell her. So there it stayed warding off any unwary females that my have reached my bedroom (not that there were many), like an evil unforgiving amulet.

Mercifully stayed behind when I went to uni though.

Hmmmmm, reading that back, it's clear I still have some tendancies. Amulets?
( kappynitty doubled your entendre on, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:05, closed)

Hahahahahaha
"Amulet".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:10, closed)

How did you manage to fit that in
with all the wanking a 16 year old does?
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:57, closed)

like I say, I read fast....
.... and wank even faster.
( kappynitty doubled your entendre on, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:00, closed)

It might not have been as bad
if your story was well written or amusing.

I can't even enjoy the irony of you disliking this guy for bragging when your story is littered with how awesome you obviously think you are with your drug taking and your 'alternative' friends who are all so individual and unique.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:48, closed)

call him a cunt,
you know you want to.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:56, closed)

I'm torn between that and using the term "blinded by disgust"
and I just realised I am enjoying the merciless flaming he is being subject to, thus making me a Schadenfreude.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:50, closed)

Well it looks you had the last laugh there, and no mistake!

(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:59, closed)

Does the title of this story
refer to you, you or you please?
(Halfy By light alone, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:01, closed)

"You Sir, are a cunt"
is the correct response to this story, I believe.
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:07, closed)

I saw that this post had 55 replies so I read it
damn you all
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:11, closed)

snorts
What he said ^^^^
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:14, closed)

As a new poster myself, I must confess to being quite excited when checking to see how many replies I've got. I can only imagine the sheer joy when this person comes back on to see (atm, but prob still gonna rise) 60 replies, then their sinking heart as they read through them.
( kappynitty doubled your entendre on, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:16, closed)

ah yes the old i didn't like this guy so i stole his money gag.
nice.
first line reads like :

hey i'm just wild and crazy and i had a bunch of really cool freinds. yeah we even smoked dope. did i mention that i was in 2 bands? but serioulsy though we fucking almost did smack! thats how cool we were.

next few lines are spent trying to convince the reader to hate this socially awkward dude. and a hint that everyone else in the super cool gang really hated this guy too.

then the old rob-n-brag at the end. you sir am an cheeeeunttah ah ah ah
(L E T S G O "Stop buying into and spreading this shit", Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:22, closed)

I hadn't quite taken in the full force of it when I replied
I've had a re-read after what you've said, and fucking hell, he really is a dick.

a monumental helmet
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:25, closed)

Momumental Helmet
That was Dio's third album wasn't it?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:35, closed)

'difficult 3rd album', please

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:43, closed)

Difficult to listen to.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:54, closed)

Jesus Christ.
when you'd finished writing that, did you seriously think it'd go down well?

As others have said:

You, sir, are a thieving, snivelling, unfunny, friendless, bragging, gutless cunt.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:22, closed)

So are you
but we've never ganged up on you like this.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:34, closed)

Tru Dat.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:36, closed)

There's still time.
Robbed any unconscious people lately?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 15:11, closed)

Does one's own mater count?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 15:16, closed)

i
wish my penny floater story has this many comments :-O


robbing is bad, even against dickheads. i like to think if the shoe was on the other foot, i wouldnt get robbed of my moneies and amulets (see above lolz).

i kinda get why you're posting this, the guy obviously irked you somewhat but no amount of claiming his arsery was bad can cover the fact that you robbed an unconscious man, whom you knew.

for shame
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:36, closed)

"An interesting and colourful melting pot."
obviously has a different meaning in England. In Australia it tends to mean a group of people from different backgrounds, rather than a bunch of socially-awkward poshos who are less interesting than their haircuts.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:59, closed)

haha
I thought that, but wasn't sure so stayed quiet.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 15:12, closed)

'Poshos'?
from Birkenhead.....?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 15:12, closed)

Terry '3 Chains' Murphy?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 15:20, closed)

Fucking hell, is this a satire?
I'm entirely convinced that this isn't a straight lift from 'Awaydays'...
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 23 Dec 2009, 8:18, closed)

I like to think
that the 'Arsehole' in the title there is referring to you, you arrogant, thieving cunt.
( Green Spanner and his magical lack of activity, Wed 23 Dec 2009, 18:07, closed)

One word....
Cock! (and that's aimed at you not the poor pissed bloke you robbed)
(Kip, Wed 23 Dec 2009, 18:17, closed)

and this, my friends, is why liverpool gets such a bad rap
it's these thieving cocksnots from birkenhead, coming over the river and polluting our good name.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 23 Dec 2009, 21:00, closed)

Well that told me, didn’t it?
I think this story needs to be seen in context of time and place – in that particular environment, people ripped each other off all the time. We may have been cunts for taking his money, but we were all cunts. It was that kind of world. If that offends some people’s rather fluffy sensibilities, then so be it. I wouldn’t do something like that today, as I’m not the same person. But I find some of this a little sanctimonious to be honest. And do I think that we were all dead cool because we took drugs? Err no, not really. Any ‘coolness’ that anyone may have possessed (and I certainly don’t include myself here) was in spite of rather than because of any drug taking. For the record, a lot of people I knew did get into smack later on. It was definitely not cool, it was very ugly and highly destructive. It completely ruined the lives of several of our number, as it did throughout Merseyside in the 80s. In fact one guy I knew pretty well from those days, who was a talented artist and pretty good musician, died fairly recently as a result of long term drug abuse. Do you get it now?

Pity, I quite like this site, but I didn’t realise quite how incestuous and cliquey it can be. Still, you live and learn. Bye then.
(jellyknees, Sat 26 Dec 2009, 14:09, closed)