I always fondly remember
strapping fireworks to the class mong and watching him flapping up and down the corridor trying to pat them out with his little flipper hands.

Happy days.

Well, it was funny until the headmaster caught me red handed and told me I'd never work in his school again.
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 13:05, 4 replies)

Water Fountain
Me and a mate were given the amazing task of register duty in year 5 or 6 in primary school. (we had to collect and store all the years registers every day for a week)

Half way through the week we decided to have a bit of fun and kill a bit of time befor going back to the lesson.

Sooo we both pissed in a water fountain in the middle of the playground (all over the nozzle bit and handle aswell)

we both got caught in the act by our headteacher who was watching us through a window

We didn't even get into trouble all we had to do was pour a bit of bleach on it and not tell anyone about it.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 13:04, Reply)

6th Form Hijinks
- Zaf doing a striptease in a local pub to the tune of 'Kiss Kiss' by one Holly Valance (well, it was Tarkan, but who'll know the difference?)

- Neil doing a similar dancing on tables act before falling flat on his face.

- winding up the headteacher with the Legendary Mr Bottone from the music department.

- Our 6th year prank:

We left without doing anything. This is key. Several years previously the sixth year had placed fish in the ventilation system. Funny stuff, one might think. It couldn't be located. The Music department stunk for 6 months. They had to recarpet and reupholster the complete department.

fastforward to our year:

We left without doing anything.

Apparently there was a good 5 months worth of paranoia and witch-hunting, including the calling back in of a few pupils to confess to their heinous crime. Which made them even more paranoid because they could say with straight faces "We didn't do anything".

Length? 6 months of worry for the teachers.
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Thu 29 Jan 2009, 13:03, 2 replies)

What would your parents say?
Now, I wasn't a swot, but I wasn't always in trouble either. I got on with the posh kids and the estate kids (of which, to be honest, I was one) so when I got in trouble it a bit of a surprise, but not THAT much.

So, my mate offers to sell me one of his grumble mags. We agree a price, and the next day it brings it in. Good stuff too, considering this was the days when the hardest you could buy was razzle and Fiesta.

I stick it in my bag, anticipating getting home.

Next lesson, some twat rifles through my bag, pulls out said mag and proceeds chucking it around the room between his mates. The teacher, who was a bit of an old duffer, nearly droped dead as the mag fell to the floor to reveal a centre 'spread' involving six ladies in a state of undress.

Next day, me and my mate, the twat and the teacher arrive in the year head's office for a dressing down.

"Joe, I'm surprised to see you involved in this kind of thing" (the phrase 'deviant pornography' to describe girl-on-girl sticks in my mind, but I can't remember the exact usage)

"What would your parents say if I phoned them up about this?"

"Not much, I expect, as my dad's got loads of mags like this."
The words just toppled out... honesty is the best policy or something. This was all new to me... I just panicked.

We were each given a warning. No detention. No lines. Nothing. A warning.

That lunchtime, my mate told me he'd seen the year head stifle a snigger at my remark, and that he thought this was what got us off.

To the best of my knowledge the mag was humanely destroyed.
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 13:02, Reply)

placeholder
Yay shcool!
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:59, Reply)

Graffiti
Someone wrote on one of the desks in the science lecture theatre "Mrs. Mellor's quim tastes like Chinky Joe's curry".

From the response, you'd think some kids had gassed some Jews for a laugh. Everyone in the school, EVERYONE, was personally interviewed by the headmaster and their housemaster. It took AGES. The culprit was never found.

(Mrs. Mellor was a dried up old witch who nobody liked, so in addition to being obscene, the graffiti artist had induced a massive YEEUCH from anyone who found out what they'd written - which of course thanks to the disproportionate response, was EVERYONE.)
(SonofRojBlake, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:57, 3 replies)

School open day
When I was being shown around the compound school that was to become my home for the next five years, you could tell the teachers were making a concerted effort to show the group of prospective parents and pupils around only the prettiest, most picturesque parts of the place. What they hadn't counted on, however, was the 1st 15 getting pissed the night before, stealing the line-painter from the groundsmans shed, and drawing an enormous cock-n-balls on the chapel lawns, complete with big curly pubes.

That pretty much set the tone for my time there.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:57, 3 replies)

tenuous...
I went back to my old school to film a promotional film for the place. Part of it involved interviewing kids of abuot 11 to get their impressions of the old Alma Mater in order to use their comments for unsolicited praise, etc...

The out-takes were genius. One kid was particularly forthcoming as a source of comedy genius, if a little weird.

When asked if it was easy to make friends at the school, he replied: "Yes, but it's far easier to make enemies."

When asked what was good about the school, he thought for a while then replied brightly "there aren't a lot of drunks here".

Oh, how little he knew of what the teachers had stashed in every desk, cupboard and drawer...
(Chad, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:52, Reply)

Shitting in a urinal
Classic gag. It was the scandal of the year when it happened. The toilet in question was sealed off for the day and we all had a huge assembly about the matter where the teachers tried the usual trick of trying to psyche out the culprit to get him to confess.

It didn't work though. As far as i'm aware the identity of the urinal-shitter was never determined by teacher nor pupil.

A brave soul, whoever he was. Imagine if someone had walked in on him mid-flow! Champion.

(And no it wasn't me)
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:51, 10 replies)

Look, I was young, I was tired. It was early in the morning and I got caught ‘off guard’…

But once…I called the teacher ‘mum’.

It wouldn’t have been quite so bad…

Only the teacher in question was a P.E teacher…and also a strapping great big black guy in his mid-50’s called Mr Katanunga.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:50, 6 replies)

Fashion not Passion
Time is of the essence, so no flowery story telling I'm afraid.

1. Play football

2. Hack down much bigger, stronger kid than I.

3. Get half heartedly punched in face as response.

4. Reacted badly "I'm going to fucking kick the shit out of you after school"

5. Playground hear. Everyone is told of fight.

6. Remember that I'm not hard and that I'm going to get killed in front of the whole school.

Fast forward to 'after school'

7. Desperately think of ways I can defeat my enemy on way to Alleyway of death.

8. Foe offers me a way out in front of goading schoolmates, says we should shake hands and not go through with this charade. FOOL.

9. Decline offer from untrustworthy kid to hold my new bag and coat whilst I fight (looking back, an error and a half)

9. See opportunity, feint to shake hand, then lunge forward and headbutt him in the face. Sending his spiralling into bush and onto ground. A dirty shot, but effective it appears.

10. YESSSSSSS I thinks. He gets up. NOOOOOO

11. He starts to hit me, lots. I go down, new bag gets tangled around legs. Cue lots of wriggling around in a puddle on the floor trying to get back on my feet - in my (looking back, horrendous) yellow Helly Hanson puffa jacket I must look like some kind of squirming giant yellow maggot.

12. He kicks me into submission as I can't regain feet.

13. Go Home, mum tells me off for ruining jacket and new bag.

14. Next day, everyone tells me it was the worst fight they've ever seen.

12 years ago - and the last fight I think I'll hopefully ever have.
(Pat_Gash, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:50, 1 reply)

Mr. Travis the science teacher ..
..Coming in half dressed as a man/half as a woman (complete with painted high heel)and standing on a block of sand to demonstrate the concept of surface area..
Good Times!!
(misshotlips, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:49, Reply)

Muck up days
too many great ones to count, but through the years i was always impressed with the efforts of my secondary school leavers, these are just some of the pranks executed on the best day of the school calendar:

When pop idol was at the height of its viewing, the sixth formers put up posters around our town advertising auditions for the show in our school hall at lunch time. Around 10 people actually turned up, all spotty no hopers with their hair gelled to perfection. The headmaster had to break the news to them that it was all a hoax.

One of our physics teachers had a battered, yellow and old ford mini van, so naturally they taped on the side in black lettering, trotters independent traders.

At the end of every year, the school would produce a magazine with details of achievements and events. An anonymous genius slipped in an extra page, made of one of those photo montage things where, lots of little pics make up one big picture. I this case it was 900 photos of bum cheeks, making up the headmasters portrait - with the caption underneath reading: This school = 900 arses and one massive cunt.
( Peach Motorbike I hate the cut of your jib, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:48, 2 replies)

The funniest thing to happen at my school...?
Well, that's a tough one, really...

There was the english teacher who had an old VW passat - the engine fell out and shot down the drive...she then drove/freewheeled over it.

Or James ward (who was a little fella), jumping off the bottom step of the stairs after only getting 9/10 in a maths test and laying on the floor claiming to have committed suicide. He refused to move until a teacher threatened to get the headmaster. Weird little kid, he was...

The child who, when asked to say grace at lunch ("for what we are about to recieve, may the Lord make us truly thankful, for the sake of Jesus Christ, our Lord, Amen"), panicked and yelled "Thank you Jesus, for Christs' sake let's eat!" and ran...

The 80-foot penis the boarders stamped into the snow on the prized rugby pitch...which some member of grounds staff then raked out, killing the grass underneath...so what was a simple joke that would have faded in a day became a dead grass cock, then a new turf cock (because there was no way they'd pay to re-turn a rectangle and just did the outline..) - all in all, it lasted about 6 months...

The kid who, when caught selling "weed" to the junior kids, was hauled up and had the police called in - who promptly idenified it as mixed herbs... the kid was suspended for a week for "fraud".

I am sure I will remember many more...
(Chad, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:46, Reply)

School
I smoked a load of drugs behind a tree and had a wank in the toilets
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:44, 1 reply)

my friend's brother, warren
was training to be a teacher at a skanky school in north manchester. during one of his assessed classes, one of the kids leaned over and let out the longest knee trembler of a fart in the world.

the inspector did not laugh. the headmaster, who happened to be in the room, did not laugh. the kid did not laugh. amazingly, the other kids did not laugh.

warren, on the other hand, was bent double against the wall, tears pouring down his cheeks.

a few weeks later, having passed the course, he was interviewing for the job. there were 3 candidates in total. as they arrived, one of the children was being hustled into a police car. the female candidate got straight back in her car and left.

this left warren and the other. at the lunch, the other guy was chatting to the headmaster. he took a huge bite of his enormous sandwich, and mayonnaise and tuna squirted out of the other end and landed straight on the headmaster's shiny shiny shoes.

warren said you could literally see the headmaster thinking, fuck me, which idiot do i hire... the one who laughs at farts, or the one who can't even eat a sandwich??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:42, 8 replies)

ice ice baby
11 years old and first day back after the Christmas break.
The caretakers had just broken the ice on the outdoor pool.
Twenty of us had to jump in and then say 'Thank you, Sir'

Sigh. It's a wonder I'm not more fucked up than I am.
(coderboi, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:41, 1 reply)

the lesson today, is, don't sit around the sixthform common room looking like you have nothing to do.
So there I was, sitting in the sixthform common room looking like I had nothing to do on a free period. The head of Sixthform wheels up (in his wheel chair, of course) followed by the year's teachers' pet type student (you know the sort).

"theoriginalsteve, you look like you've nothing to do, can you and the teachers' pet give some visitors a guided tour of the school?"

I couldn't think up an excuse quick enough, so I had to go along.

Pissing tedious it was, taking a bunch of visiting teachers around the school. I was giving the tour, and I WAS BORED.

To lighten the mood, as we got to the science block, I made a light hearted comment, pointing into a classroom, how that particular teacher had a rod up her arse, and that I was sure she really didn't like me. The teachers pet laughed like a loon, I smirked, but no one else made a sound, until one ot the visiting teachers decided to point out that she was his wife.

Ahhh, how I laugh now I look back on it....

Length? 2 hours of my life wasted, only to be rewarded with one of the most embarresing foot in mouth situations I have ever had.
( theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:39, Reply)

Grafeety
Cooper and Narey (sp?) painted 'we've got four teams go' on the wall and had to scrub it off. You could still see it years later. They knocked the shithole down a few years ago, if I'd known I would have painted the graffiti back. Rest In Pieces Stand Grammar School.
( lion-cake Bad lion-cake, bad., Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:38, Reply)

Okay, a story as promised
The funniest thing I can think of is once in Chemistry class when I managed to produce a six foot flame from a small beans tin and coat everything in white powder.
The funny part in that was the expression on my classmates faces.
And it wasn't really that funny.
In fact school seriously sucked and put me on a downward path of depression.

Edit: It was the Thermit reaction if anyone is vaguely interested.
Hmmm, sorry I shouldn't have bothered with the post.
( VandenPlas can't think of anything clever - no change there!, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:36, 3 replies)

Something funny?
I would say something amusing/joke.
No one laughs.
Popular knobber/waste of oxygen says same amusing thing/joke.
Everyone laughs.

It happens to this day.
Maybe noone likes me. Or I don't speak loud enough.
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:29, 10 replies)

11 years - 8 Schools
Will start thinking.

Right, I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can write here that wouldn't get me in trouble somehow, so I'm sorry about that.

Maybe next week hey?

*edit: b3ta.com/questions/schooldays/post357053

(Humpty Dumpty was Pushed - don't even think about it!!)
(Kip, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:28, Reply)

ahah I'm still stuck in high school
But last year I convinced my biology teacher to set the table on fire.

It was fucking awesome.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:27, Reply)

school, eh?
I'll have to do some revision on this.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:25, Reply)

like Tom Brown's Schooldays...
6th! Woo!

Now, my school was one of those Public Schools that people seem to think is either like Hogwarts, or St Trinians. (We did in fact convince some friends' kids that I'd gone to Hogwarts, but that's a side issue)

Cherished memories include:
1) Having to run round the track in my swimming trunks because PE had switched from swimming to Gym without warning and my gym kit was in the wash...Oh, yeah, this was outside and in November...

2) Having classes where there was ice on the inside of the windows in winter...yet not being allowed to wear our coats as that was ill-disciplined. Likewise in summer, you could boil before you were allowed to remove your blazer...

3) Being allowed to wear our own clothes in the 6th form. As long as "own clothes" meant a suit. In grey or blue. With a white shirt. Great - so I get to dress like a bank manager in something that is totally non-hardwearing and that means I can't sit on the grass in summer, or play football, etc, at lunch time. Yes, I can feel the joy of freedom rising already.

4) The swimming pool (now sadly demolished and replaced with a full olympic pool and sports centre) - it was, I believe, the oldest indoor pool in England, or at least in Surrey. Nice asbestos skin on the water, wrought iron rail just below water level to pull your arm out of the socket and a breeze whistling through the doors at the end. Changing room door open to the courtyard, so the teacher could have a sly fag and of course there was no heating on. They used to turn the pool heater on briefly in the morning, so you prayed for an early swim - if it was in the afternoon, you might as well break the ice on the nearest river and jump in...

Still, I actually enjoyed my time there and often miss it - I made friends, played wargames, did a lot of Rugby, tinkered with computers, found my niche and got on with it. Other former pupils include Angus Deayton and the current captain of Northampton cricket club, so it produces and eclectic bunch!
(Chad, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:25, 2 replies)

Nothing funny.
I hope they're all dead.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:24, 4 replies)

5th?
I hope

4th! Even better!

Will post something later...

possibly...

Ok...

I used to do a bit of supply teaching before I finally decided to settle into my current shite job.

One of the schools I taught at was an all boys school over in Liverpool. I had a particular yr 8 class who were meant to be one of the smartest in the school but also had a couple of kids in who were arseholes.

During one lesson I'd had to move one of the students (Arsehole 1) to the front of the class for being annoying. While at the front he actually was quite well behaved till another student (Arsehole 2) decided he needed the toilet (this lesson was straight after break so there really was no excuse for not going)

This is what was said duing the lesson:
Arsehole 2 - Sir can I go to the toilet?

Arsehole 3(me) - No, you've just had break, you should have gone then.

2 minutes later

Arsehole 2 - Sir, Can I go the toilet now?

Arsehole 3 - No, wait and go between lessons

5 minsutes later

Arsehole 2 - Sir, I really need to go...

Arsehole 1 (deadpan as you like) - Look, you can't go, they locked the girls toilets anyway

Arsehole 3 - laughs and loses all credibility with the class...

I'm sure i;ve got better ones but I'm a bit under pressure at themo
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:23, Reply)

it burnt down.
That is all.
( rofl harris, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:22, 1 reply)

I sang The Lumberjack Song
in front of my entire year group.

Dressed in lumberjack gear.

I was a god.

For about half an hour.

Then they remembered I was a twat.

Edit: Damn you, gir! I was this close to starting a QotW with a story...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:21, 1 reply)

Top 5?
Maybe?

Edit: Wow, First! Will post a story in a bit, promise.
( VandenPlas can't think of anything clever - no change there!, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:21, 2 replies)