i have never been a secret santa
but i did buy one of my muslim mates a bacon butty and told him it was beef he found out and battered me and we are no longer mates i think hes fighting in irai god it was only bacon the fag
(branflakes, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 14:12, Reply)

.
Revenge.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 14:11, Reply)

not quite secret santa
but when i was an estate agent, we all got on really well so everyone bought something for everyone, but with a £10 limit.

my "friend" jayne had a second job as an ann summers party rep at the time. so naturally we all got presents from her back catalogue, so to speak.

i was laughing at everyone else, but was mortified myself to receive a bottle of tightening virgin lube - "makes every time feel like the first time".

now firstly, which girl in her right mind would ever want to re-live that experience on a nightly basis?? and secondly, hello, i don't need it thank you very much, everything down there is very tight and toned!!!

still, better than the plumber, who got a talking d1ldo...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 14:08, Reply)

A good 'un
I gave the most popular prezzie a few years back to a divorcee in her 40s who wears clothes a good 15 yrs too young for her: a pack of playing cards featuring guys from this message-board (if the size of their shlongs is anything to go by). You should have seen the secretaries gathering round for a good gawp and hooting away like good ‘uns. Even better was the reaction of the town prude, the virgin ironpants, who couldn’t resist a look and seemed to have trouble breathing while saliva dripped from her partly open mouth as she turned away ‘disgusted’.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:57, Reply)

The two best - and worst - presents I ever witnessed the giving of:
Not one, but two, packets of fags to a girl who allegedly always scrounged ciggies off the office smokers. She was really pissed off but the guy who bought them was offended by this as he'd spent way more than the £5 limit - the price of fags being what it is these days.

A single gift-wrapped Viagra tablet to the guy in the office nearest retirement age.

I also spent hours one Saturday afternoon with a craft knife, wrapping paper, card and glue, meticulously making an average box of choccies into a fabulously humorous, job-specific, themed-for-every-day-that-remained-till-Christmas, worth-way-more-than-£5 advent calendar for the company accountant, and then having him get in an offended strop about someone else's present and not even show his present to anyone else, or even ever mention it again. Not that I'm still bitter about it 4 years later or anything, oh no...
(Hermioninny, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:52, Reply)

thankfully, i freelance, so rarely have to deal with this. yay!
however, my other half does.
one year he got a 'joke' wind up penguin which 'hilariously' crapped small cola-flavoured droppings. oh, how we laughed. or not, as i remember.
aside from that, i have nowt. sorry peeps.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:51, Reply)

Woman I work with who is moustachioed
A novelty fancy dress set from Poundland called 'A Moustache for Every Day of the Week!'
( The Helpful Bear, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:49, Reply)

it was just what he always wanted
£5 limit. 1 x 20 pack Benson and Hedges, 8 x pickled onion Space Raiders. wrapped in a copy of the Daily Sport. i think he gave me the Space Raiders back
(no1_cheesecake, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:48, Reply)

Not sure this counts...
A guy in the common room of our college gave a girl a vibrator as a Christmas present last year... not sure whether he hated her or not but he took great pleasure in her embarrassment (so probably a friend!).

Either way; we laughed.
(My Wang Has Performed An Illegal Infiltration!!, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:42, Reply)

years ago
i was working for the gov and it was my first 'serious' job. secret santa time came around and i drew so woman in the office. i can't remember what i got her, but i spent over what was the budget for the particular year as everything within budget was shite. we had the grand opening on the day of the staff piss up and i'd had quite a bit to drink before the presents were handed out.

everyone got ok stuff. my turn came about and i got a fresh cream cake. not even a big cake, one of the small ones. with icing sugar on top.
i must have spent about half an hour spouting off about how i was never doing this again, how the person who got me this was a twunt of the highest order and how this working for a living was toss. i may have said a couple of things about how my job was shit and i hated it.


a mate leaned over and said 'open the box'
inside the box was a clutch of hand picked CDs.
bastard.

lh
(localhost, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:35, Reply)

"A squirrel! It's a fuckin' squirrel!"
We keep a drawer brimming with low quality seaside tat (living as we do in a low quality seaside town) in case we have unexpected Christmas visitors bearing gifts. It's like a Secret Santa, as even we don't know what we're going to give people, until the drawer is flung open in panic, and something awful dragged out.

Caught short by several distant family members using our place for a free weekend on the coast, the drawer was empty, and I was forced to improvise when the wife's aunt and her manky old boyfriend came to call.

"Thank buggery they've gone," said Mrs Duck at the end of our ordeal, which was spent with the boyf staring at her chest, non-stop for three hours, "what did you give them?"

"A video."

"Oh Lord. Which one?"

"Flesh Gordon."

"Thank God, you had me worried for a minute."

Low quality VHS smut. The gift that tells unwanted visitors to get to fuck.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:34, Reply)

Not mine, but a story about Newcastle United
Useless Swedish striker Andreas Anderson got injured Scottish striker and part time nutter Duncan Ferguson a jail uniform thinking that he'd find it funny, what with him being an ex-con and all.

He didn't.

It took half the side to stop him from stamping on his lovely blonde bonce.
(Peter Sutcliffe's Right Bollock, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:34, Reply)

My ex flatmate...
Someone decided my flatmate would receive a fake vagina as his present, but due to the secret santa price limit they had diffuculty finding a suitable one.

They improvised.

He received a melon (with a hole cut in it, above which a picture of a lady from a porn mag with her legs akimbo had been glued). It had a big ribbon and bow round it and ooh la la Melony painted on the back in tippex.

Melony died a tragic, lonely death in the upstairs toilet sink. By the time we decided to give her a proper burial she was nothing more than a mouldy melonskin full of rotting mush and fruit flies. She smelt so bad it made flatmate puke even though he was wearing a teatowel covered in vicks over his face.

She's reputed to have died a virgin, but I question my flatmates honesty on this matter.

RIP Melony
(ralphseviltwin, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:33, Reply)

recieved by me - ended up with someone bad.
I play the awesome sport of Ultimate Frisbee and last year was at a tounement in dublin at the beginning of december.

One of the details of the party on the saturday night was to wrap up a present put it in the sack and then hand it in to the christmas lepricaun and recieve a different one back.

I put in a XXS T-shirt saying "I dublin" and recieved ............ a DVD containing 9 hours of the finest hardcore porn the internet can provide for free. Thrilled as I was I didnt get round to watching this and when I went home for christmas. I gave it to my mate a few doors down in case he got lonely, you know how halls can be.... little else to do. except drink and wank.

in any case I didnt get it back and a few weeks later his room was broken into and they stole his X-box, his laptop and plenty of other stuff. including his massive CD collection and all the loose CD's one of which had "9 hours of hardcore internet porn - merry christmas" scrawled on it.
I still like to imagine them all sitting mashed out of their skulls on the heroine they bought with their stealings watching the porn as the police broke into their flat and caught them the next day.
( Nostrebor can't be everything all the time., Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:31, Reply)

Received, not given.
A man thong made of snakeskin effect nylon, with an elasticated waistband emblazened with 'Trouser Snake'.

Wicked present, I got it last year and I'm wearing them now. Bit skiddy but they're good enough.
( Rookie You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:21, Reply)

Just remembered another
This one while in India...because we were all going to be home for Xmas we did Secret Santa early...and had a week of small gifts....


I was given two melons.....


My Secret Santa was a woman.....
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:20, Reply)

well, he was a football psycho
and one of the partner lawyers in the company, alcoholic and neurotic. needless to say i fancied him and flirted as much as i was able to. much delight when pulled his name out of the hat. so day one it was a soft porn mag with erm ladies with erm curves (as myself), next day pint of lager from local bar to ease the morning hangover. appreciation letter to secret santa (we have special corporate email adress for that too) showed i'm moving into the right direction. wednesday it was a club calendar with all bds of all players of his team. thursday - some food (home cooked). friday - disclosure party - i got my gift of a boy. mmmmmmmmmmm. before we both got drunk we managed to stick the cd of "the best of bollywood music" under our CEO office door labeled "don't be homesick". he is indian.
(bonker banker, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:13, Reply)

Bad taste suggestions
Something to offend everyone of every creed, sex and faith:

1) Baby bootees for the childless 50 year-old female accountant just hitting menopause
2) Pregnacy tester and baby names book for the office slapper
3) A Koran for the office Christian
4) A framed Mohammed caricature for the office Muslim
5) Jordan and Peter Andre CD for the music lover
6) Anti-perspirant, soap and flannel for the office minger
7) Anti-dandruff shampoo and clothes brush for the flaker
8) Manchester United top for anyone who loves football
9) Socks and bra for the flat-chested girl
10) Socks and pants for the (male) boss
(frankspencer, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:08, Reply)

The wrong present in so many ways
A few years ago I spent some time in India and while there picked up lots of Christmas presents for the family and then boyfriend. I bought loads of nice silk things and felt very pleased with myself for being so generous on such a tight budget.
When it came to buying for the boyfriend I decided on two gifts…..a large and colourfully illustrated copy of the Kama Sutra and some silk underwear items for me that I had specially made up by a friendly tailor in Bombay…where they are very broadminded….

So on returning to the UK I’m picked up by my parents at the airport, haven’t seen them in a long while, so I go back to their house and as it’s nearly Christmas I decide to give them their presents early – in the morning after I‘ve had a chance to catch up on some sleep…..

As it was a very long flight and I’m very tired my mother offers to unpack my bag….I refuse her kind offer and go off to bed…..

The following morning I get up late and discover that my parents (usually early risers) are still in bed…and then I realise what it is that woke me…..Could I hear someone groaning in pain? No….not pain…..


Yes, my mother had unpacked my case for me…..and she had taken my gifts ….and was making use of them with my father…..

I never asked her about the items and she never mentioned it either…..
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:06, Reply)

What did I give to someone i hate for Christmas?
A fractured jawbone.

"I wanted a box of Celebrations, not Quality Street, bitch!"
(Lil' Alan, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 12:56, Reply)

Secret Santa

I once worked with a woman who although quite young had a terrible problem with upper lip hair. Unfortunately she was one of these types who never seemed to notice that she had the beginnings of a Brian Blessed nesting on her upper lip. So I did the only sane thing I could do... Went down the highstreet and got a Gillette Mach 3 giftwrapped.

She never spoke to me again.
(goulash51 Lurking with intent since, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 12:35, Reply)

My best friend
is a clever bastard scientist. You'd think that working in a lab with lots of brainy people working on DNA replication and stuff, his colleagues would be above common bitchery. Not so!

A couple of years ago, a girl was assigned to someone she didn't like for Secret Santa. She bought her Slim Fast. They're still not speaking.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 12:35, Reply)

OOoh... Aaaahhh....
My Gran is hard of hearing.

Last christmas my uncle bought her a pair of "Sexy Slippers" that made sex noises when you walk. They looked normal, so my Gran was slightly confused why people kept laughing whenever she walked around or entered a room.

"Isn't everyone having a jolly christmas!?"
"Er... yeah Gran it's pfffffft... great."
(ralphseviltwin, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 12:32, Reply)

some people ey?
this year: an argos catalogue with a coupla £5 gift vouchers jammed inside. Gee thanks. Did it ever cross your mind to actually just hand me a tenner instead of forcing me to spend it at a shop where i stand a very real chance of contracting pink-eye from the mouth breathing council trash behind the till? If only Argos sold bricks, then i could buy one, tie your sodding catalogue to it and throw it through your arseing window - heaven knows, you might need it for loo paper, you tight fisted, all the imagination of a decomposing sloth bastrad!
(hotpiss is very much liking your popping musics, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 12:31, Reply)

Chocolate thong
I bought my boss a chocolate thong and a Kama Sutra boardgame, but then got hammered in the pub and gave them away unwrapped to different people...hmmm
(essbeenz there done that, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:59, Reply)