Bad news
Mate of mine is expecting his first baby in May but recently found out that because his wife's placenta is too low - don't ask, I have no idea and I'm choosing not to think about it - they can't have sex until after the birth. They don't know the gender of the child yet but I've pointed out that if it's stopping him having sex it must be a girl
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 11:27, 4 replies)

Sorry, lads...
Your descriptions of women? You must hang out with and date some vile idiot-faced cretins.

Buck up and start looking beyond bars and clubs to get your end off. If you were to look for women based on their perceived intelligence / friendliness / ability to leave the house sans hairspray and not the possibility that they might want you to waggle your penis around inside of them, you might not find so many orange-skinned needy duck-faces about.

For fuck's sake, if these glittertits really get on your nerves, perhaps it is time to look elsewhere; maybe in the direction of girls who don't frottage the 'oiled torso' section of Heat Magazine. You think?
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 11:01, 22 replies)

Lady Scaramanga...
... is a great driver. Has never had a a prang in 15 years. I can't drive.

... doesn't like cooking. I do most of the cooking because I enjoy it.

... rarely wears make up, and therefore takes about ten minutes to get ready in the evening. And still looks great. I spend longer in the bathroom.

... can't understand a remote control
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 10:49, 1 reply)

Sick women and really sick men
We (men) have all (well those of us not smart enough to catch the Gay) had the experience when sick and happening to mention it that some sympathy sponge of a woman will say.

"Men think they are so tough but, one sniffle and they collapse in a heap"

Well lets look at that,

Women are constantly sick, got a headache, can't fuck today or on me rag got cramps can't do this or that so run me a bath I can sit and bleed into, or my ankles are swollen or I am retaining water and when they really get sick don't we fucking know about it. The endless sympathy they want, expectations you will do their work for them, the broadcasting of it to all and sundry and the filthy mood they get in.

Where as blokes, they just get on with it. It isn't until they are really really crook that you hear about it. And how do women hear about it.

For example;

She Devil: When are you going to do ~insert task that has no real bearing on anything important just what she has decided she wants done such as fix the ornamental gutter cover~

Great Bloke: I feel like crap, I'll do it tomorrow

She Devil: This is so typical, I soldier on no matter what but, you have the slightest sniffle and the world has to stop, and men call them selves the stronger sex, you are PATHETIC

Great Bloke: I'll do it tomorrow, just leave me alone

She Devil: And now I suppose you expect me do take care of you and run around after you, lucky don't get sick very often or nothing would get done

~ NOTE: Women don't really ever listen either unless you are agreeing with them ~

Great Bloke: mumbles - For Fucks Sake - ignores female until the following day

See, the thing is, the reason blokes don't get sick very often is that we don't actually say anything until it matters.

- Bloke has head ache, gets on with it (even if you do want a bit of slap and tickle)
- Bloke has injury, gets on with it
- Bloke has cold, gets on with it
etc

It is only when a bloke is that crook he can't get on with it, the woman finds out about it.

It is why men hardly ever visit a doctor, they just can't justify it as their mind says it is better to just get on with it and know you will be better in a few days. Bloody women spend so much time in the doctors they had to start inventing reasons for them to attend, pap smears, breast exams, hormone replacement therapy the list goes on.

Reminds me of the guy who rang his boss every Monday and said he was sick. After 3 months the boss called him and asked what was happening so that he was sick every Monday. The bloke explained that his sisters husband drank on weekends to excess and was a violent drunk which would end up in him beating his sister, so he would go around her place to comfort her when he went to work on Monday and they would usually end up having sex.

The boss looked at the bloke and said "My God, you are sick" and the bloke said, thats what I tell you every Monday.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 7:49, 9 replies)

Bollocks to this
speaking of sexism, i'm tired of the namby pamby crap that women only want to be listened to when we complain, that we want to be held after sex, that as soon as someone brings their crotchfruit 'round we all want to hold it and coo, that we can't take the garbage out and can't smush our own spiders.

if i bring an issue to your attention, i want advice on how to fix it. sympathy is useless! and sometimes after sex i'm hot & sweaty and don't want you touching me, ok? babies are only good for making messes out of one end or the other, and i swear to god if you make me hold it i'll drop it. i take out the trash 50% of the time and the other day whilst in the midst of a warcraft raid i saw a house centipede on the wall next to me; i grabbed a notebook and smashed the crap out of it and kept healing.

just because one gender does something 85% of the time, don't assume that your mate is one of that 85%. if you want to know if she wants a cuddle, or sympathy, or a solution, ASK. straight up say "honey, what is is that you need from me right now?" make a deal with your mate that you're not going to put with the "mindreader expectation" bullshit, and stick with it. even if it gets difficult.

and yes, i'm a chick, with huge knockers to boot. i'm NOT of the female persuasion. no one had to convince me that being a chick was a good idea, just like no one had to persuade you at age 5 to just try on a penis for size and see how it feels. it's a stupid turn of phrase. stop it.
(fai is rocking khaz modan server as of, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 3:44, 7 replies)

Spiders/Dead birds etc
Equality does not mean that your wife/girlfriend/life partner will crawl under the bed to remove the half eaten possum that Mitty Cat has lovingly brought you.....
Equality does not mean that your wife/girlfriend/life partner will take the bins out...
Equality does not mean that your wife/girlfriend/life partner will risk their life by climbing up on the roof to empty the gutters...
Vive le difference!
(catflap I went out with Nicholas Parsons, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 3:31, 1 reply)

Hormones as excuses
If a woman refuses to keep her hormonal moods under control, and makes life miserable for everyone else, that's just PMS. It's like some sort of female birthright. It's even been used as a mitigating excuse for violence and murder.
If a male refuses to control his testosterone-based moods, he's (rightly) castigated as a stupid thug.
How can women demand to be treated as responsible adults, then screech with indignation when someone suggests they do something about their PMS?
You either act like a grown-up, or a rather nasty and dangerous child. Gender's no excuse.
(Fuck I've wanted to say that for AGES)
(mudskipper, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 1:34, 9 replies)

Women are only god for one thing
Glue babies.

Anything that lets you come up its arse and see see the results must really be stupid.

Can I bite the head off first?
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 1:13, 16 replies)

You women are just so wishy-washy.
I dump a load in your guts, and you ask for me to leave my cock in.

I fire one off in your gob, and you can't wait to get my cock out of there.

Will you just make up your damn minds??
(Jboy, Mon 4 Jan 2010, 1:04, Reply)

Old pearoast

(Pie of Meat ___°¬¯O¯____\o/_____/\_,____Y¯¯Y, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 23:44, 1 reply)

Maternity/paternity leave
Right, for one, I completely understand why women are paid less than men- from a company's perspective they are a time bomb, sooner or later, they will have children, and will potentially have a paid year off, while you will have to hire someone to do that job, temporarily, effectively doubling (or more) your payroll costs for that position. They may well decide to stay at home at the end of that year, again meaning a costly search operation, and the difficulty of replacing a trained and experienced employee.

Basically as far as I'm concerned it's perfectly fair to pay women less, it just factors in the potential risks, and costs.

Your employer is not a charity.

On the other hand, I don't think I'd take paternity leave as the pay/conditions are laughable, who really earns less than £200 a week these days?
(comrade^, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 23:22, 18 replies)

The gender colour and placement of household appliances
If its white,its a machine girlies have no problem using,after all they grew up watching their mums using them
ie/ washing machine, cooker, fridges and generally anything usually located in the kitchen
If its black and in the living room its a man thing, like stereos etc.

at some point manufacturers realised this and started producing household electrical goods in non gender specific colours like silver and grey.
Hasnt worked,if its silver,computerised and in the kitchen its still a womans machine.
Silver,computerised and in the living room, its still a mans machine.

Well its a sexism theory as good as any other ;)
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 23:13, 8 replies)

End of.
Women, with a few notable exceptions for whom I feel sincere gratitude and great relief, are entirely - genetically - incapable of detaching themselves from their egos. This predisposes them to be shallow, insincere, self-seeking and vain. These negative qualities make women unsuitable - and indeed undesirable - for any of the higher forms of office, be it within the realms of commerce, government or the arts.

51% of you agree with this. Quite possibly more.
(foxbean i am a one in ten, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 23:12, 1 reply)

Mental
Women are mental, and most will admit that. I've learnt this so far:

Women have no idea what they want. So chaps, make a decision - it doesnt really matter what, just make it. They'll generally forgive the bad ones, and everybody learns.

Women dont want you to fix their problems. They want you to listen. When she's banging on about a shit day of work, she doesnt actually need to you offer to go round to twat Tim in Accounts because he rejected her purchase order request. She just wants you listen, nod a bit and feel a bit sympathetic.

They need to talk a lot. It's mostly not for you, it's for them. Listen to the key points, and tolerate the rest. It might help you one day so pay attention if it sounds serious.

You can win thousands of brownie points with one tiny trick. If youre going out with the lads or anywhere without her, and you're planning to be back by say 11, tell her 12. That way when you get in at 11, you look great.

Spraying some polish near the front door an hour or so before before she comes home will make her think you've been cleaning.

explain to her that men need a "shed" - somewhere to hideout occasionally. This could be half an hour behind a newspaper. But just explain what youre doing first.

Dont go shopping with women. Ever.

Wear sunscreen.

If youre young, those silly wooly hats make you look like a cunt. They look good on David Beckham, no one else.

Trousers half way down the arse? You. Will. Never. Have. Sex.

That is all.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 23:04, 1 reply)

The Life of Brian - a feminist film. Discuss
Some time when you’re feeling important
Some time when you ego’s in bloom
Some time when you take it for granted
You’re the best qualified man (or woman) in the room

Some time when you feel that your going
Would leave an unfillable hole
Just follow these simple instructions
And see how it humbles your soul:

Take a bucket and fill it with water
Dip your hand in it up to your wrist
Pull it out, and the hole that’s remaining
Is a measure of how you’ll be missed.

You can splash all you like when you enter
You can stir up the water galore
But stop and you’ll find in a moment
That it looks quite the same as before.

If a moral exists for this poem
it's to do just the best that you can
Be proud of yourself, but remember
There is no indispensable man!

Or woman.
(foxbean i am a one in ten, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 22:43, Reply)

The Miracle of Birth
The birth of Little Scars was probably the most sexism I have ever indulged in.

It began thus:

"Darling, my waters have broken"

"Surf's up! Oh, you'd better drive, I'm still pissed"

During labour, I remarked that I was glad I didn't have to do that, it looked bloody painful. MrsScars reckoned it wasn't as hard as the last rock climb we'd done together, so the midwives were treated to a loud argument over pitch grading on Welsh classic routes. This only stopped when the head appeared, whereupon I asked if the aperture was going back to normal any time in the next year.

Then there was a lot of swearing, to which Little Scars added piercing yells.

Length? Not so much as about 9 inches across.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 20:55, Reply)

survey
Click if you think your girlfriend/wife could be ruder in the sack.

Edit: Nearly all men are far more rude than women.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 19:25, 8 replies)

nevermind birth trauma
at least an immediate itching for a wee after spoojing doesn't pose a problem for you women - collectively, forcing out a post-ejaculate piss over our lifetimes probably makes up for labour pains. ow!
(injektilo smoking the weed that killed elvis, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 19:18, 4 replies)

less sweat = less money?
Trying to stick with the QotD central theme ... I've never been comfortable with the female tennis players get paid the same ( or almost the same? ) prize money at Wimbledon than the men?
The men have played several matches , each the best of 5 sets to get to the final whereas the women have played best of 3.

Whilst I think the prize money is obscene regardless, I still think the men have 'earned' the right to more money.

Looking forward to it this summer in HD tho!
(d2d2t, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 17:48, 4 replies)

Has anyone ever seen anything like this before?
Yesterday, a woman in-front of me leaving a car park stopped 8 feet away from the ticket slot, wound down her window and tried to reach it!? Couldn't, opened her door a bit, tried again, still couldn't, before getting out of her car completely to do the job.

So I was wondering...woman generally don't try and reach a cup of tea from across the other side of room, so what is it about sitting in a car seat that makes spacial awareness, for some of them, go to cock?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sun 3 Jan 2010, 17:34, 2 replies)

I don't let women drive my car, not even to run to the corner store and back.
Hey, the women drivers thing may or may not be true, but I believe I'm keeping my accident risk down so effectively that it ought to positively affect my insurance policy.
( AgentMuu hentai coordination, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 17:31, 3 replies)

Multitasking
I am proud to admit that I as a man am not able to multitask. I am also absolutely convinced women are not able to multitask as well, but are too humble/proud/stupid to admit it.
( RedWine President of the S.C.U.M., Sun 3 Jan 2010, 16:55, 8 replies)

Dunno if this fable has been told
How Adam Got Eve:

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
'An arm and a leg.' replies God.

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'

Of course the rest is history...
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 16:47, 1 reply)

15 years old in Geography class,
and Mr Hankins is telling us all about Marula, who lives in some godforsaken village in Forrinland. Marula is merely a girl, so she has to fetch water from the well, clean the hut, make the fire, cook the food, clean up stuff etc. The men lie around smoking pipes and doing fuck all. Well, this was my interpretation of the text book anyway, so I made a huge, teenage-style fuss about the sexist nature of the story and outlined my probable reaction to receiving such instruction from men in the body of the essay I submitted for homework.
Twelve years later, my cousin came round to see me after her first day at the school and handed me a note, saying, 'I've been told to give you this.'
It said, 'Fetch some water Marula, there's a good girl.'
( thealternativefact, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 15:37, 2 replies)

How come..
.. a woman will cheerfully spend twenty minutes criticising my walk, clothing, grooming, accent, anything I attempt to say and anything I might be trying to do.However,she will then throw a strop if I tentatively suggest that a crop top and a mini skirt might not be suitable clothing choices for December.
..if I attempt to help when she is struggling with a task I'll get an earful for being a control freak. However if I sit back and let her get on with it I'm a typical lazy male.
..if I try and watch something she does not approve of she'll complain, talk all the way through it and in extreme cases start hoovering. However, God help me if I cough during x-factor.
..if a bloke is winding me up to the point of violence she'll expect me to walk away while enduring a lecture about being a caveman. Then she'll complain if I don't ride to the rescue next time somebody is rude to her.
Mental or evil? Lord only knows.
(Big D, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 14:36, 4 replies)

Bill Bryson covers this in Notes on a Small Island, so I don't know if it's just British culture...
Men will wait at a till queue with the item(s) they want and a denomination of banknote higher than the value of the item(s) - or thier credit/debit card - in their hand. When they get to the till assistant, they then hand over the money and throw the change in their pocket or do a quick card transaction and move on quickly.

Women will wait until all the items have been rung through and bagged and when the assistant asks them for payment will look at them blankly for a couple of seconds, before diving into their bags, pulling out several envelopes and reciepts before locating their purse and meticulously counting out the exact change, then putting everything back in the bag in order before finally picking up their bags and moving off.

It's as if the financial transaction of the shopping experience completely slips their mind and takes them by surprise each time. I've seen it all the time on buses too...They'll wait patiently at a bus stop for 20 minutes before getting on (ahead of a queue of twenty-odd) and then with a forehead-smacking inevitability go "Oh!" and fumble in their bag for their bus pass or change. The current Mrs. V. has been known to rummage through her bag on the bus only to realise that her Oyster card was still at home.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 13:11, 5 replies)

Emadex reminded me...
What's to say 'down' is the correct or 'standard' position for a toilet seat? Why are we men accused of not putting the seat down, why don't women ever put it up (as it were)....huh?
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 10:11, 22 replies)

blokes never ever
tell you when they've eaten the last slice of bread or finished the milk and then wonder why you get shitty about it when you are hank marvin and your blood sugar is next to nothing.

Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them.
( bland is bland, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 9:52, 7 replies)

Women and genitals.
Male Circumcision = not a big deal. Its traditional and possibly cleaner. He wouldnt feel it at that age and anyway if he does wind up with a desensitised helmet when he reaches sexual maturity, hey he'll just last longer. It'll be a GOOD thing. Shit he might even thank us for it. It was good enough for his dad....etc etc etc......

Female Circumcision = OMG Horrid. You vile monster for even bringing up the subject. NO justification WHATSOEVER and anyone who doesnt think so should be shot on the spot.

I dont disagree, and i do appreciate that the two things are not identical, i just think both are utterly cuntish things to do to a child and neither are okay. Women seem more often to have a very imbalanced view of it, especially here in N America where chopped lad = norm. Poor Bastards.
(Matty73, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 3:24, 36 replies)

Those women who,,,
.. talk normally and reasonably sensibly when amongst other women, but affect a sickening little girly voice and attitude when a man appears need to be put down.

All that cakey shit is embarrassing.
(Freakmandu, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 2:32, 1 reply)