My misconceptions
1) When I was a kid, I thought willies went in belly buttons.

2) I also thought men had vaginas too, so they could impregnate themselves. I was about 6 when I found out this was not the case.

3) I honestly thought at 13 that men could pee when they were inside you, accidentally, instead of coming.

4) Older, I thought pierced willies would hurt during sex. Oh my god, they do not!
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 20:05, 14 replies)

SPUNK!
Smells like Skips!
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 19:59, 5 replies)

Oh dear.
I thought you could get VD from having sex with your sister. I only realised I knew this when my cousin suggested that I had sex with my sister. Apparently you don't get VD, but I've never tested the theory.

More embarassingly, all the boys in my entire class in secondary school thought that girls' breasts went hard when they thought about sex. I did have a sneaky suspicion in the back of my mind that this would negate the pleasure of booby-fondling, and couldn't quite work out what would happen with the flat-chested ones, but didn't get the chance to investigate for many years...
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 19:58, 1 reply)

Brevity is the soul of lingerie
As a young woman, I foolishly believed that my partners would be as interested in trying out all the fun variations on the theme of the act as I was, especially those involving lacy, sheer and otherwise alluring undergarments. This was indeed incorrect, as I met lovely lad after lovely lad who seemed disinterested in anything beyond the most basic sexual formulas.

Fortunately, the spouse is a clever, energetic and inventive fellow so I no longer have to hear anything like 'But why do you need another pair of stockings? You already have one' ever again.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 19:40, Reply)

Not having a penis myself
it took me up until my first boyfriend to see one in really life. But what is the issue? I had seen plenty of willies in sex eduction books and of course childish drawing.

Which was why I as surpised to fid that testicles are not in two completly seperate sacks on either side.
(fluffytail, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 19:25, 1 reply)

Hell, hell, hell
And another girl I was seeing. Well, she was quite petite and insufferably gorgeous. Before our first night together she'd remarked that she didn't have an arse. I've heard many a skinny girl say as such and figured I'd be treated to an arse akin to two cherries on a stem.

The night comes, I tear off her pants in a fit of triumph, and...

She really didn't have an arse. Just a mass of skin with a tiny slit right at the very bottom.

Then I realised I was looking at her front. Hahahahaha!

Actually thats not true. Turns out she had spina bifida.
(GONEism, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 19:11, 14 replies)

Early starter.
I can only have been 10, and she about the same.

The stakes in our game of doctors and nurses had been dramatically raised at her behest, and a very innocent and not entirely certain Gunther found himself naked and prone upon an equally naked, supine girl.

As soon as the following day the worry began. I swiftly became racked with a heady mixture of guilt and concern. I'd even go so far as to say that I lived in abject terror that she'd be carrying my child.

I had no knowledge of sperm or penetration and their combined importance in the baby making process. I had lain upon a girl; both naked as the day we were born, and in my head that was sufficient to produce offspring.

The old adage was unfamiliar to me, but when no news came after a few days it felt like good news. The passing of some weeks saw me almost forget the ordeal. And finally, after a long and occasionally tortuous month, my concerns reverted to playing with toys, watching cartoons and doing jumps on my shiny, brand new (second hand) Grifter.
( Moey, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 19:07, Reply)

I was 9....
I knew that "Fuck" was a bad word to be avoided, but when Dave Trotter asked me if I knew what Fuck was, I responded as best I could.

It was a bad word.

To my astonishment, it was about sex.

Hang on a moment, thought 9yr old brain.

Fuck = Sex.

Doesn't Sex = Babies?

Ergo Fuck = Sex = Babies, therefore Fuck = Babies.

So why is it a bad word?

I asked my parents whilst in the car. I think Dad nearly swerved the car and Mum definitely balked.

Two nights later, I got the sex talk, as a result, for one night only, I was able to command the entire "Thursday Night Clubs" attention with the gory (at that age) details of Sex Education.
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Thu 25 Sep 2008, 19:06, Reply)

Mood killers - part 1
I used to have a Nigerian girlfriend. We were in that very special place where we're buck naked, spooning and both acutely aware that the horizontal monster mash was inevitable. Then I look down at my cock resting between her arse cheeks.

"Look at that! It looks like a negative of a hot dog!"
(GONEism, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 19:05, 12 replies)

I might have a misconception right now.
I've only known two Maltese women. They were both very beautiful. And they were both very beautiful in the same short, bosomy, Mediterranean way.

So my possible misconception is that Malta is the land of hotness.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 19:04, 4 replies)

People in my church
had a major misconception about the vicar. They said he was gay. I know for a fact that wasn't true: His cock never tasted of shit.






I'll get my coat.
(pacman_40 Pocket Kleenex: for the wanker on the go, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 19:04, 2 replies)

this is just hearsay
but I'd believe it of the guy.

Apparently some of our friends were talking about wanking. One guy said that he put vaseline on his nob and then ran it under hot and cold water.

The misconception is that he said it with an air of "c'mon, we all do that right?"
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 19:02, Reply)

Monty Python had it right.
"What about a kiss boy? You don't have to go steaming into the clitoris like a bull in a china shop."

One of my pet peeves is the poor state of sex education in this country...

Seriously what the fuck?

How often in life will mr/ms average be required to analyse the relationship between Juliette and her maid in Romeo and Juliette?

How many times is the average person going to need to know what the square root of 59 is?

How useful is it to the average person to know the rates at which hydrochloric acid dissolves magnesium strips, when the acid is diluted to varying degrees with water?

How often will Joe Bloggs have to explain the formations of ox-bow lakes?

How many times is the average person going to have sex?

I rest my case your honours.

Its no wonder most chavs have produced 10 retarded, illegitimate, fucksporne before they hit 14.

*In a bad mood now*
(Bam Bam McPenis will change all this when he is fuhrer., Thu 25 Sep 2008, 19:01, 5 replies)

Confusion
When I was at junior school, I used to have two school bags. I actually fell in love with them.

Apparently I was Bi-satchel.......



Getting coat now
(Magical Trevor's cloak, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 19:01, 2 replies)

Stage fright
I assumed that one's man-meat was unafraid, brave, arrogant, presumptuous, forceful, a bit of a bastard in other words and one reason why blokes were considered 'bastards' by women.

Not counting brewers' droop (so therefore chemically induced), I have only had one pseudo-impotence episode and that was when I should have been raring for it like hell, i.e. when my virginity was about to get broken.

Meat rises to the occasion. On with the durex.

"Swooooooooon......."

Shit. OK, try again. Massage some life back into the member (hard handed slaps would have been appropriate the way I felt about the disloyal little pecker) and the show is back on... on with a fresh jonny.

"Wiiiiiiiiilt......."

FAK! Opening-night nerves!

On the other hand that was how I first discovered my love of cunning linguists, i.e. trying to make the hell up for my unreliable nervous member before she dumped me for a bloke with 24 hour raging horn.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 25 Sep 2008, 18:57, 1 reply)

Right.
Ok, so I am telling this story ONLY at the request of a certain b3tan who I utterly adore. It's the story of my first attempt to lose my virginity.

Now at the age of 17 my mind was a mass of mad thoughts and sensations and needs and wants. Being able to focus on anything for more than 10 minutes was an achievement.

So, along comes a sunny Tuesday afternoon. The fateful day that my first girlfriend was stupid enough to allow me into her twadge.

Now, as I previously mentioned I had the attention span of a squirrel in a house of mirrors. Because of this, I encountered a slight problem when putting on a condom. You see, the little impulse in my brain that was saying "the reason it won't roll on is because you're putting it on upside down, you twat!" was trying to get to the comprehension part of my brain, and was stuck behind two fat impulses blocking the way that were just busy slobbering and going "seeeeeeeexxxxxx!". End result?

Pull it on. Not budging.
Pull it on harder. Not budging.
Pull even harder. It pings off.

And lands...

...right on her forehead.

We decided to wait and try another day.
(GONEism, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 18:55, 5 replies)

Why Blow Jobs
A few folk have asked why a blow job is called a blow job when blowing into it is likely to cause
a)embarassment, or
b)an embolism.

The term is widely believed to be a shortened version of 'below-job', which is what prostitutes used to refer to oral sex as a few hundred years ago.

Also (this may be apocryphal), if you happen to live anywhere that has a Grovesner Lane, that will traditionally have been the area where prostitues hung out (The Red-Lantern District if you will). This has apparently evolved from Grope Cunt Lane.

Glad to be of service.

No, you leave class when I say, not when the bell rings!
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 18:46, 6 replies)

Kickstand
I used to think mine was average sized.

I was wrong !


Woot.


Length ? Well above average. Apparently.
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 18:30, 8 replies)

Giving head
No matter how many times I am corrected, even today, I can never quite understand why the phrase "giving head" refers to the act of giving oral pleasure rather than receiving it. I think I get confused between heads.
( divy, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 18:11, 1 reply)

On the topic of jizz...
Yes, foods rarely, if at all, make a difference to the taste of man-milk (I mean you'd probably have to eat only one kind of food for like 2 weeks to really notice), however smoking makes a huuuge fucking difference, all my adult life I thought that spooge always tasted that manky and 'sour', and that was just the way it was, until I gave head to a guy who has never smoked the other week, and it barely tasted of anything....I was shocked and astounded! Mainly at the fact that I'd never gone down on a non-smoking man up until then....Quite weird.
(Ryuken-Kai, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 18:11, 3 replies)

Hotdog, anyone?
My housemate recently told me that when she was small, she wasn't really aware that cocks went up inside you, thought that willies went into fannies like a hotdog going into a bun, and just sort of laid there...I kind of want to try this to see what happens.
(Ryuken-Kai, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 18:04, 2 replies)

When I was younger
I asked my mother where babies came from.

She thought I said rabies and said "from a dog bite".

A lady on our block gave birth to triplets... I thought she was bitten by a Great Dane...



Points for knowing who REALLY thought that, obviously it wasn't me, being a sophisticated lady of the world since the day I was born.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 18:01, 3 replies)

Ah yes
I remember the first time I sat on someone's face.

He probably does too, unless he's managed to erase the trauma from his memory...

EDIT for clarity: I took the phrase a little too literally. Upon giving your full weight to a man's face, it turns out that he can't breathe (as heroically as he might try). His desperate attempts to alert me to his imminent suffocation were taken as urgent noises of encouragement...
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:50, 7 replies)

I've often heard that women want committment.
Stupidly, I assumed this mean women were willing to give committment.

Ha ha ha.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:48, Reply)

It's not that common
it doesn't happen to every guy
and it is a big deal!


:-(


only a small number of points available for getting this reference
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:43, 11 replies)

Misconception...
I thought she couldn't get pregnant if you pulled out at the last second.

Boy was I wrong.
(FurtiveBiscuit, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:36, 4 replies)

Tragically, this happened less than 48 hours ago
Waiting for a gig to start with my friend.

Me: I watched that episode of Family Guy last night where Peter has a prostate exam and he thinks the doctor raped him. It made me clench. Do all men have to have their prostate examined?

Friend: Yeah, I'm pretty sure they do.

Me: But...no! No way! It's an exit not an entrance! There is no fucking way in hell I'm going to be used as a goddamn hand puppet. I'll take my chances with the cancer, thankyouverymuch!

Friend: But I think all men have it, it's like a smear test for women.

Me: So why the fuck don't women get their prostates examined!?

Yes, yes, moron, over here. Hi there.
(GONEism, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:35, 4 replies)

My uncle
...used to tell me it was ok for him to touch me there.




Edit - sorry!
(daddyg, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:32, Reply)