when i was about 17
i read that giving birth was like having an orange yanked out of your nostril*. the awesomeness of this simile has stayed with me ever since.

if that isn't a reason for sex to miss conception, i have no idea what is.

shit puns aside though, an orange ? from out of your nostril ?? any maternal b3tans want to contradict this?

* i think it was jessica mitford who said this was how her mother described birth...


( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 14:33, 33 replies)

I once had a flatmate who was determined that if and when she gave birth, she'd do it drug-free, so she could experience the full essence of womanhood, or some shite like that.

From the make perspective, I was told that it was like pulling an Action Man through your John Thomas.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 14:36, closed)

wince!
aw aw aw aw
( rofl harris, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 16:13, closed)

A friend once tried to explain childbrith in man-terms by describing it as "like you trying to wee a bowling ball".
She was singularly unimpressed when I started doing the "I'll never have to go through this" dance
(davywavy, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 14:36, closed)

ooh thats a good one.
I've heard its like shitting a bowling ball.

???

What?.. Do the nurses line up pins or something?
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Mon 29 Sep 2008, 14:38, closed)

Pushing something the size of France
through a hole the size of Belgium
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 14:46, closed)

when you said that i thought of
Total recall when he pulls the transitter from inside his head.

Ive been the goal end, and it sort of like that except it isnt ping pong sized, doesnt glow red, and there are several bodily fluids involved.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 14:47, closed)

.
I always thought it was akin to pulling your bottom lip all the way over your head.
(Milo Minderbinder, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 14:51, closed)

Hahaha!
*does the "I'll never have to go through this" dance*

I don't want children. I know what I cunt I was as young Kaolet.
( Cawl, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 14:57, closed)

Ouch
I've heard it described in the following ways:

1. Trying to defecate a watermelon

2. For chaps, imagine pulling your bottom lip over your head

Either way, I can't tell you how happy I am that I'm a bloke!
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 15:00, closed)

As opposed to
a woman pulling her bottom lips over her head?

cos that would be painfuller.
(teebie jeebie, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 16:28, closed)

lol

(ShitBitch, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 14:47, closed)

Well
I thought it was like gripping a bar of soap a bit tight between your hands and watching it lazily launch into the air.

So easy and light.

Golly, girls are lucky!
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 15:01, closed)

it may further worry you to know...
that the orange through the nostril isn't even the most painful bit of childbirth.

the most painful phase: contractions. imagine rik waller with his pants full of lead jumping from a great height onto your entire abdomen and not being able to get off for what, at the time, feels like eternity.

:)
( gypsy turnips, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 15:02, closed)

I never felt the pain, but I was there the whole time
And the only part that made me feel sick, was the noise of the skin being cut when one of the doctors cut the back of her vajoojoo to make it easier for baby T to come out. It was a really loud gristly grinding noise as that tiny bit of skin was snipped.
( turb0t, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 15:12, closed)

vajoojoo?
it's vagoo surely
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 17:59, closed)

Childbirth
As some of you're aware I was an Army and RM medic albeit briefly. The training we got on childbirth was really simple:

"Gents. There's nothing you can do that's going to stop it. Jog on."
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 15:18, closed)

I'M REPLYING BECAUSE IT SEEMS EVERYBODY ELSE IS!
Why are we replying, gang?
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Mon 29 Sep 2008, 15:19, closed)

I gave birth falling out of a plane into nazi germany
It didn't hurt at all and I used the umbilical cord to strangle the guards as I sneaked into a bunker to kill hitler.
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 15:23, closed)

hehe
that amused me.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 15:27, closed)

^this
hehe gerry deserved it.
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Mon 29 Sep 2008, 15:53, closed)

i read that as
"an orphan being yanked out of your nose"
(Mildred is a slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 15:26, closed)

Girl at work just went on maternity leave...
... in her leaving card I wrote the message:

"When I witnessed my daughters birth it looked like squeezing a large melon through a hole the size of a lemon... good luck!"
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 15:26, closed)

Hah!
It's more like a demon has his hand up your snatch and is trying to turn you inside-out.

The worst part for most is the dilation right before you're ready to start pushing: You can't think straight, you don't remember you're pregnant and all you can do is yowl. This is the point at which most men are grieviously injured. "Barney, I'm going to rip your balls out your ass if you ever come near me again!" That sort of thing.

Pushing was the worst for me: One of my kids had both elbows over their head and everytime I pushed, it felt like someone was sliding a chef's knife up my rectum. I screamed the place down.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 15:49, closed)

It's more like a demon has his hand up your snatch and is trying to turn you inside-out.
this is spot on.

*shudders*
( gypsy turnips, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 16:04, closed)

Bowling Ball
Some mornings I feel as if I'm pooing a bowling ball. It leads me to conclude that giving birth can only be goodness.
(Stop Bloody Antivirus Pro 2009, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 15:50, closed)

I've done some painfully large turds in my life
and when I look back down into the lavvy, I think, blimey that poo is really wide*, how did my arse stretch so big to get that out. Of course its nothing the size of a baby's head.

* diarrhea has no girth, but is more painfull
( turb0t, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 0:52, closed)

what was it homer said?
simpson that is, not the greek chap, said that women may feel the physical pain but it's the man who has to listen to them complain about it.
(One_Winged_Angel Ich Dien, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 15:51, closed)

Mrs Og
says childbirth without pain relief is less painfull than breaking one's jaw

And she's done both

*is proud of wifey*
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 17:59, closed)

do you mean she broke her jaw
or did she break yours ?
( turb0t, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 0:53, closed)

Like shitting a bowling ball
is about as close as I can get.

I also use the size of a baby's head to enlighten any bloke dumb enough to claim that 'she didn't enjoy it cos I'm too big'. No mate, she didn't enjoy it cos you're shit in bed.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 29 Sep 2008, 19:32, closed)

Didn't hurt a bit
I was drugged up to the eyeballs and just lying on my back waiting for the doctors to forcibly eject the pair of squatters through the sun-roof.

I did however vomit for Britain from the sixth week of pregnancy until the very morning they were extracted - 34 weeks later.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 21:56, closed)

Turbot's got the right idea
Gentlemen ... oh and that utter cunt kmwip,

Remember the most colon grinding, porridge laden, morning after a seriously fantastic vindaloo brown baguette you have ever performed?

Observe the stinky fruit of your labour, note the girth of said beastie, and then consider the statitic 32cm circumference head.

Ow ... even with shedloads of drugs.
(Que?, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 4:19, closed)

Nope, nothing to argue with there.
..
I liked the Bowling Ball analogy 'cos Sparklet Minor was 9 1/2 lbs so it's a handy visualisation tool.
My Brother's Boss told him it was like "Trying to Shit a photocopier" which was nice...
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 12:57, closed)