work
bloke phones up work, says "i cant come in today, i have a vision problem"
boss says, "what type of vision problem"
bloke says "i just cant see myself in work today"

/taxi
(Geoff Leopard, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 0:23, Reply)

more fun
whats got 90 balls and fucks old women?

bingo!
(Geoff Leopard, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 0:18, Reply)

fun time
how do australians bring up their kids?

put their fingers down a dingos neck
(Geoff Leopard, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 0:17, Reply)

he he he
whats brown and runs around the garden?

a fence!


not sick though....
(Geoff Leopard, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 0:15, Reply)

How do you know when your sister has her first period?

Your dad's cock tastes funny
( Mr Gimpson Wolfguts, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 0:03, Reply)

Steve the stud rabbit.
This is a very old joke that I still like:

Steve the stud rabbit, although an enthusiastic servicer of the does, was getting on a bit in rabbit terms (he was four).

The owners of the rabbit stud farm decided to get a new stud rabbit in, before Steve copped it from sheer sexual exhaustion.

So one morning, just while Steve was starting his daily bunny humping routine, he was introduced to the replacement rabbit called Buck.

"Any advice?" asked Buck.

"Well Buck, I have always found it useful, after each sex act to thank each doe individually and personally. You don't need to do it youngster, but she'll remember you for it each time and it will work out best in the long run, trust me. She'll be flattered and will come back for more in a happy fashion. It's like shagging the Flopsy Bunnies only without the bad illustrations"

Buck was a bit dubious about this whole talking to does thing but in deference to Steve's obvious experience was willing to give it a go.

So the two stud rabbits one old and tired, one young and err, full of spunk, started at either end of a very long line of does.

Steve was making his way along the line, slowly and methodically...

*hump, hump* "Thanks very much doe, how's the family? How's your cousin Irene?

*hump, hump* "Thanks very much doe, didn't I see you in Watership Down?"

*hump hump* "I like what you've done with your tail, cotton is in this year I've heard." etc, etc.

Meanwhile young Buck is tearing his way down the line at a furious rate, barely pausing to hop between each rabbit in turn...

"Thanks doe"
"Thanks doe"
"Thanks doe"
"Oops, sorry Steve..."
"Thanks doe"
"Thanks doe"

EDIT: Dog, I have told your epilepetic joke remorse story to three different people already (pretending it's a true story the way you did in your post). They have all fallen for the supposed story (as I did reading your post) and then subsequently fallen over at the punchline. If that's your gag then you are a comedy god and I worship you!

FURTHER EDIT: Also just read the pianist joke, worth wading through the reposts for fried gold like that. Unless it's a repost too...mind you, mine might be too...bugger!
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Wed 7 Dec 2005, 23:51, Reply)

sick joke time
what did the deaf, dumb and blind girl get for christmas?

Cancer
(Chris is Great !!!!, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 23:40, Reply)

you wanna know the sickest joke?
I just found out my nan died in a head on car crash and the other driver is still alive.

thats the sickest joke anyone could have played on me. sorry to go off subject but i have noone else to talk to.

always tell your loved ones that you love them you never know whats going to happen.

Richard
(Four String Demon, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 23:26, Reply)

piano joke
the best so far hehehehe. However the chances of remembering it are nil.
(dukefukem, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 23:14, Reply)

Heh
How do you make an orphans hands bleed?

Tell her to clap till her daddy comes home.
(Midas, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 22:57, Reply)

w00t!
How can you tell if its your turn to do the washing up?
Look down your trousers and if you've got a dick it isn't your turn

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps
So the doctor examines her and does some tests and says "you're going to have to looking forward to the idea of long sleepless nights full of crying and changing napies"
"Why? Am I Pregnant?"
"no" the doctor replies, you've got bowel cancer

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for
evening performances'.

'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nk hole please
you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting
window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The
first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'

'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t
box you get cr*p on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or
there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking
hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the
tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the
show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she
says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging
out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?'

says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

'I f*cking wrote it !!!'
(Duff_the_Funky_Chicken, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 22:56, Reply)

Dont look down
Whats the similarity between standing on the edge of a cliff and having an old woman suck you off.

you dont wanna look down.

sorry quite lame

it might be long but it dont touch the sides... i had to go for a ride on the bandwagon at least once
(Hairy_Lee, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 22:06, Reply)

A rather genteel young man went for a walk
in remote countryside, and as the day wore on, he became aware of a need to answer a call of nature. Being of polite upbringing, it did not occur to him to do this outside, and he scanned his surroundings for a building with facilities he could avail himself of. Being well off the beaten track, such a dwelling was not forthcoming and he plodded on in some discomfort until he reached an open stretch of moorland. In the very far distance, he espied what appeared to be a cottage, and made his way thither with haste. As he drew nearer, he saw that the cottage was more of a shack than a habitable building, and was possibly an abandoned ruin. The door was hanging loose and there were cracks in the windows, but as he approached, he noticed there was a thin trickle of smoke coming out of the chimney. His hopes thus raised, he approached the tumbledown wreck and knocked tentatively on the door. No reply was evident so he knocked again, a little louder this time, and then again, with more urgency. Eventually, he heard a shuffling sound from within, and the door began to open a crack. To his horror, a pustulent and withered old crone peered out at him, and addressed him in fevered tones. The young man was tempted to make his excuses and leave, but a twinge from his gut reminded him of his urgent obligation and he asked hesitantly if the kind householder would let him use her bathroom for a moment. A series of grunts and gestures of the scabrous hand directed him to an outhouse behind the hovel, and as he approached it, he was guided also by the odour emanating forth from it. Again, he was tempted to turn, but his bowel stubbornly refused to release him, and he pushed open the door. A rat scuttled over his foot and he saw that the privy was even more basic than he had feared, and consisted only of a wooden bucket with a lid. He wrapped his hand in a pocket handkerchief, grimacing all the while, and lifted the lid. The sight which greeted him was the most appalling of his life. The bucket was full to the brim with oozing, bubbling excrement, and had obviously not been emptied for some years. At this point, his stomach wrenched, forcing urgency upon his bowel even while he gagged at the horror of it. Bracing himself, he unfastened his breeches and lowered himself tentatively backwards. He could hear the vile old woman cackling in the yard outside, and attempted to block his mind to the utter degradation of his situation. As he sank into the bucket, he felt the bubbling morass slide around his buttocks, and this hideous sensation and the foul stench overcame him suddenly, causing him to vomit copiously.

And you know how a siphon works, don't you?
(Hermioninny, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 22:03, Reply)

Not mine, but still good
Q: Why is Guinness a rascist pint?

A: Because the white always rises to the top.

/coat
(TheVeryReverand, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 21:39, Reply)

Sick?

What do albino cats drink?

Ink
(muyk, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 21:33, Reply)

What do you get when you cross Rob Manuel, a leotard and a can of whipped cream?



An erection.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 21:25, Reply)

What have prostitutes and bowling balls got in common??

They're both found in alleys
(NotSaying lurking is fun, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 21:16, Reply)

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 21:07, Reply)

What's the difference ...
... between Basil Brush and a suicide bomber?

A suicide bomber only goes BOOM once.


ayethankew
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 21:03, Reply)

I hear the Vietnamese are really pushing the boat out this Xmas...



...They're even going to hang Glitter.
(lolwhites, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 20:54, Reply)

Heard a German use this one
A black and a jew race off a cliff. Who wins?

Society.
( PopePollo defloculating the soup of the surreal, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 20:07, Reply)

Why can Stevie Wonder not read?








Cos he's black!
(Podge, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 20:03, Reply)

Whats the BEST thing about shagging twenty seven year olds?
Theres twenty of them.
(lukeybaby, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 19:19, Reply)

okay, i HAVE waded through all 50 odd pages and this one ain't there.
Perhaps because a mate of mine invented it and i adapted it:

A man is sitting in a quiet restaurant with his date, when suddenly he hears a very faint noise from her chest.

He looks puzzled and leans in a little closer, but the noise is still too faint to hear.

He moves his head right next to her chest at which point he hears a voice which sounds a lot like Lenny Henry's telling jokes.

He looks at his date and says "Why are your boobs telling jokes in a Lenny Henry voice?"

She replies "oh, i had a couple of Silly Coon implants last week"

*badum tish*

And one i think has been done, but i like it and it fits with my other one:

What do you call an elephant with a spade?

Dawn French and Lenny Henry
(mrcheese989, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 19:19, Reply)

And for the record.... Probably bin dun.....
Whats Pink Bobbly and goes "SSSSSSSS"

A baby in a deep fat fryer
( currantbun is nubtnarruc backwards, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 19:04, Reply)

A new indepth study into the bird flu virus shows that it hits small cocks first
I thought it best to notify you immediately
( currantbun is nubtnarruc backwards, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 19:02, Reply)

Q. How do you know your sperm count is too high?
A. Your girlfriend had to chew before she swallows
( currantbun is nubtnarruc backwards, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 19:00, Reply)

...
What's pink and hard?

John Leslie
(andrewbowley, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 18:09, Reply)

What's got one ball & fucks women?
Peter Sutclifes hammer
(nonstopdancer, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 17:54, Reply)