Why is it wrong to kill a nigger?
because there'd still be millions left.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 13:23, Reply)

Why is it best to use a mouse with your PC?
so you can wank with the other hand
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 13:21, Reply)

.
Did you hear Gary Glitters' last wishes when hes executed? He want to be cremated and put in an etch-a-sketch so the kiddies can play with him forever. Sorry.
(chakaflange, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 13:06, Reply)

Told this One
From the first time round, I told the joke:

"I can have any woman in this bar" says me

"How come?" says mate

"I'm a rapist." says me.

Tumbleweed moment. Entire bar had gone quiet just as I came out with the punchline. Whole place staring at me. Silently.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 12:52, Reply)

cast your minds back to August 31 1997
"I heard Princess Diana was on the Radio Today, and the windscreen, and the steering wheel...."
(site_history_log, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 12:45, Reply)

Not sick but funny!
Bob is in a casino playing blackjack. He's been there all evening. He's had
a miserable run and lost almost everything. "Surely my luck must change" he
thinks to himself. "I'll give it one last go." He pulls from his jacket
pocket the deeds to his house. This represents everything he has left in
this world.

The croupier deals the cards and he picks them up. First a jack - looks
hopeful. Then a six "Sh*t !!!" he says to himself. "Sixteen - what am I
going to do." He stares vacantly at the two cards in his hand as his future
seems to ebb away. What is he going to do ??

Suddenly a leprechaun appears on his shoulder and looks at the cards and
then at Bob. It starts jumping up and down saying "Twist, twist". Bob is
awakened from his reverie by the noise and looks, slightly disbelievingly at
the leprechaun.

"Who are you?" Bob says.

"Twist, twist" says the leprechaun.

"But I've got everything riding on this. I've already lost all of my money
and car. If I lose this I've lost my house as well."

"Twist, twist" cries the leprechaun.

Bob looks at the leprechaun and thinks "Well perhaps ....." Eventually he
decides to trust the leprechaun. "Twist" he says to the croupier. He turns
the card offered. It is a two. Huge sigh of relief, perspiration wiped from
brow, buttocks unclenched. "I'm OK" Bob thinks.

"Twist, twist" the leprechaun says, jumping up and down again.

"But, it's eighteen. That's a good score. I've got a good chance with that.

"Twist,twist"

"Are you sure??"

"Yeah, you'll be OK. Twist, twist"

Bob agonises for a few seconds and eventually reasons that the leprechaun
was right last time so he goes for it. "Twist, please" The croupier draws
another card - an ace!

"Wow" says Bob to himself and sits back thinking he could now recover all he
lost earlier. He is just about to place his cards face down when .....

"Twist, twist"

"What? But I've got 19. If I twist I'll probably go bust."

"Twist, twist. Go on!"

Bob thinks to himself that the leprechaun hasn't let him down yet so he
decides to back it one last time.

"Twist please."

The croupier draws the card. Slowly Bob reaches for it and pulls it up to
his hand. He looks at it. A two. Twenty One, a five card trick. He has done
it. He's got his house back, recovered all his money and made a few grand on
top. Yeeesssss!!!!!

The leprechaun who has now stopped jumping up and down is motionless,
staring at the cards. It turns to Bob and says "You jammy b*stard!!"
(Wrecked Tums, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 12:39, Reply)

Q) Why do women have legs?
A) have you seen the mess a snail makes!
(site_history_log, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 12:39, Reply)

A woman goes to the doctors
complaining that she keeps being sick in the morning and is suffering from pains in her lower abdomen. The Doctor examines the woman then asks her to dress and re-join him in his surgery.

Woman: "Any idea Doctor?"
Doc: "Well putting it into laymans terms, in a little under 9 months you'll be up to your neck in shitty nappies"
Woman: "I'm Pregnant?! Oh how fantastic, my husband will be thrilled!"
Doc: "No, No you've misunderstood me. You have bowel cancer"

Tiddly boom cha cha
(ray bentos, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 11:50, Reply)

ladies ladies!!
five tampons are walking down the street...
which one talks to you?


none. they're all stuck up cunts.

mother...?are you there?
(lincolnsmithvstheblackprince I'm up to my knees in lionel here, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 11:50, Reply)

Glitter
Do they celebrate Christmas in Vietnam?


Well, they're hanging up Glitter this year.
(greenycrimson I stole the from pyschotherapist, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 11:48, Reply)

Compound in-joke sickness.
What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?



Me in my lucky blue coat!

(c) Mr Finlow-Bates - ta you sick git, you warped my fragile little mind.
( jagwap, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 11:47, Reply)

Wimmin
Why do women wear perfume and make up ?



Because they are ugly and they smell.
(I'M JACK MEADOWS, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 11:24, Reply)

Joke 4
What's the difference between a wank and an egg?

You can beat an egg
(davefromkent, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 10:58, Reply)

Sick joke
This guy goes into his local and orders a scotch. As he fires it down the landlord says 'You look a bit cheerful tonight, Fred.' Fred says 'Well last night I was walking the dog down by the railway and I came across this lass tied to the line.' The landlord raises his eyebrows. 'Go on', he says. 'Well,' Fred continues, 'I untied her and took her back home. And we got down to it. Man, it was amazing. We did it on the kitchen table. We shagged on the stairs, we shagged on the bed, in the bed, under the bed. We did it from behind in the shower. Had a bath. Did it again in front of the telly. That Little Britain was on. Seen it?' Landlord shakes his head. 'Dead funny,' says Fred. 'Anyway this morning I took her back down to the railway and left her there. What a night.' Landlord pours him another drink. Fred downs it. 'So was she a good looking lass then,' asks the landlord. Fred looks up blankly. 'Dunno mate. I never found her head.'

Boom Boom!
(kevon45uk, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 10:10, Reply)

Did your hear the one about…
The Italian with a 12” cock who got a hard-on and walked into a wall?

He broke his nose.
(Bertie Dastard Wax on, wax off, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 10:06, Reply)

The Worst Joke Ever (Sorry if it's a repeat)
How do you make an six year old boy cry a second time?

Wipe your bloody dick on his teddy bear.
(cungyman, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 9:39, Reply)

Glittery Peodo Cunt
In the most recent of his t.v interviews Gary Glitter has mentioned that when he dies he wants to be creamated and his ashes put in a Etch-a-Sketch so that kids will still be able to play with him. . . . .
(DcAuLnEt, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 9:26, Reply)

A man’s working in a bar one night...
... when suddenly a black guy comes in with a parrot on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and the parrot squawks:

“A pint of lager for him, and a gin and tonic for me please!”

Amazed, the barman pours the drinks, asks for £5 and the black man puts a note on the table and walks off with the glasses.

20 minutes later, the black man with a parrot on his shoulder walks up again. Again, the parrot squawks:

“A pint of lager for him, and a gin and tonic for me please!”

Again, the barman pours the drinks, the black man puts his note on the table and walks off with the glasses.

Another 20 minutes pass, and the black man and the parrot come up for a third time.

“A pint of lager for him, and a gin and tonic for me please!”

Again, the barman pours the drinks, and again the black man puts down a £5 note. The barman’s curiosity has peaked, so before the black man walks off again he says:

“That is absolutely amazing. Where can I get one of those?”

And the parrot squawks:

“Go to Africa mate. There’s fucking millions of them!”
(geegee, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 9:20, Reply)

Sorry if its bindun...
How do you make your girlfriend cry during sex?

Phone her up and tell her.
(insert username here, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 9:18, Reply)

Have a collection of a few....
Man goes to the doctors..
Doctor says, "I'm afraid i have two lots of bad news for you. First, I'm afraid you have terminal cancer."
Man says, "Oh my god, that's terrible I'm going to die aren't I, what's the other bad news?"
Doc replies, "Well you also have Alzheimers disease."
"Oh", says the man, "well it could be worse, at least I don't have cancer."

****

Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
A: The seven-year-old in my basement.

****
Whats yellow and lives off dead beetles?
Yoko Ono
****

What do 54,000 abused women every year have in common?
They don't fucking listen

****

A Man walks into a chemists, and says "I need some birth control for my 14yr old daughter".
The chemist looks a bit shocked by this and queries "Your 14 year old daughter is sexually active?".
The man thinks for a moment then replies..
"Not really, she just lies there like her mother"

****

Whats the best thing about fucking a nine year old boy?
Watching him cry in court.

****

Q: Why can't you have sex with pensioners?
A: Have you ever tried taking apart a cheese & ham toastie?


****

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.


****

What would Princess Diana be doing if she was alive today?

Scratching on the lid of her coffin


****

What's black and loud?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron

****

Tomorrow was Katie's birthday and she was excited
"Guess how old I'm going to be tomorrow!" she yelled to her dad.

"Don't know" he replied, playing along.

"I'll be six!" she replied.

She went into the kitchen and asked her grandad, "guess how old I'll be tomorrow!"

"To answer this I need you to pull down your knickers." he says.

So Katie does this. Her grandad inserts two fingers into her cunt, moves them around, pulls them out, sniffs, then licks them.

"You'll be six tomorrow" Grandad says.

"How did you know that?" replies Katie.

"Because I heard you saying it to your dad" was the reply.

****

What's black and has 27 tits??
The rubbish bag outside Kylies cancer clinic.
(grr_boy, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 8:59, Reply)

What's the difference...
...between a washing machine and a 15-year-old girl?

The washing machine won't follow you around for 2 weeks after you drop a load in it.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 7:26, Reply)

Whats the difference between Dave the Hat and Tony Hawk?
Nothing! They both spend faaar too much time on the board.

It's not healthy
( Box of Rabbits, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 7:02, Reply)

You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think
Q: How do you know when a whore's full up?

A: Her nose starts to run.
(dadadali has hybrid vigour, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 4:50, Reply)

Possibly original
Two little boys went to knock for their friend Jim.
"Hello, is Jim coming out to play?. We're playing war today!"
"What do you mean? You know that Jim hasn't got any arms and legs!"
"I know! We want to use him as a sandbag"
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 3:33, Reply)

Sick, Sicker, Sickest?
Paedophile walking into the woods one dark night leading a little boy by the hand.
Little boy says; "I don't like these woods, I'm scared"
Paedophile says; "how do you think I feel, I've got to walk out of here on my own"
(You'll never take me alive copper, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 3:21, Reply)

I was told this when I was 7, by a uni student. I still love it.
It is just another working day at the brothel. The punters are coming, the cash is coming, and the girls are faking it. Suddenly the door opens, and a figure steps through the threshold, silhouetted against the backdrop of the red lights.

It is a boy, a young boy, about nine. In his hand is a length of string, reaching all the way to the floor, where it is fastened around the neck of what looks like a dead frog. The figure picks the frog up, strides up to the counter, and places the amphibian onto it, exclaiming, “I want a bitch with herpes.”

Behind the counter, the sexmonger is flabbergasted. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“I said ‘I want a bitch with herpes’” says the child.

“Well I’m afraid we don’t have any ladies that fit that description” replies the Madam.

“I want a bitch with herpes, and I am going to have a bitch with herpes” says the boy, putting £1000 on the counter, next to the frog.

The Madam thinks about this for a while and decides that the reputation of her house of ill-repute is definitely worth £1000. She sends for one of her many shingle infected sluts. The boy follows the genitally deformed working girl to her room, trailing his frog behind him.

After an hour of quite bizarre shenanigans the kid returns to the counter, frog in tow, to thank the Madam. She takes this opportunity to ask the question that had been puzzling her for the entire previous hour, “Why did you want a whore with herpes?”

“Well,” explains the boy “My parents are going out tonight. In the evening I’m going to fuck my babysitter. When my dad drives her back home, he’s going to fuck her. Then he’s going home to fuck Mum. In the morning she’s going to fuck the milkman. He’s going to fuck his wife, she’s going to fuck her boss, he’s going to fuck his wife - my English teacher, she’s going to fuck my headmaster and HE’S THE CUNT WHO KILLED MY FROG!”
(Nossidge, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 1:49, Reply)

What's
the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?


I can't fit my dick in a bowling ball
(retro, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 1:40, Reply)

Probably bindun but still
Why didn't Superman save the children in iraq?

Because he's dead and before that he was in a wheelchair!
(wibbler, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 1:12, Reply)

whats the difference?
between a trampoline and a baby?








you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline
(antifilth, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 0:57, Reply)

Whats black and blue
and afraid of sex?
A rape victim


Whats red and black and makes women cry?
Miscarridge
(Duff_the_Funky_Chicken, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 0:46, Reply)