What's the difference between a Lada and a sheep?
It's slightly less embarrassing getting out the back end of a sheep.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 31 Jan 2006, 13:12, Reply)

Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman...
have an interview at a brewrey for a job as a bar manager.

The Englishman has his interview first, and for the last question the brewry owner asks "If you could put your pub anywhere in the world, where it be?"
The Englishman responds "Id have a pub next to Buckingham Palace, withall those tourists you'd rake the money in"
The Scotsman comes in after the Englishman and he is also asked the same questions. After thinking what his answer would be for the last question he responds "Id have my pub built into Ibrox, can you imagine how much all those football fans drink?"
Lastly, the Irishman has his interview, the interview goes really well, and the Brewery owner is very impressed by this mans knowedge of Guinness and the like. Finally the Brewery owner asks the final question "If you could put your pub anywhere in the world, where it be?"
The Irishman answers immediatley "Id put mine in Ethiopia"
The Brewery ownwer asks in amazement "Why would you put your pub in Ethiopia?"
The Irishman reponds "Well have you seen the beer bellys on those guys?"
(iamthewaffle, Tue 31 Jan 2006, 10:26, Reply)

What is the difference...
Between a black man and a bicycle?


A bicycle doesn't sing when you put chains on it.


Thank you.
(Mr_Jums, Tue 31 Jan 2006, 8:32, Reply)

Can't help myself
What is the most common pickup line at a gay bar?
"Can I push in your stool for you?"
SO this quadrapalegic female was sitting on the pier crying. I asked her what was wrong. She said she had never been kissed or felt up because of her condition. I happily obliged her. Then she said she had never sucked a dick before, again, I let her have her wish. After I came, she said, "Well, I have never been fucked before either!" So I picked her up out of her wheelchair, lifted her high above my head, and threw her ass into the ocean. I then yelled, "You're fucked now."
(Bern, Tue 31 Jan 2006, 2:37, Reply)

Securing my place in hell
What does an 80 year old woman's pussy taste like?
Depends
What is the loudest sound an eighty year old makes when you fuck her?
The sound of her hips breaking.
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after you are done eating.
What is the best thing about fucking a dead hooker?
You don't have to pay her.
Guy in a doctor's office. Doctor walks in and says, "I am sorry,but you have full blown AIDS and will die in two months." The guy asks the doctor, "Isn't there anything I can do?" Doctor replies, "Sure, go down to Mexico and drink lots of tap water and eat plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables." The guy asks, "Will that cure me?" Doctor says, "No, but it will teach you what your asshole is for."
(Bern, Tue 31 Jan 2006, 2:27, Reply)

pretty racist but hey
What do call 2 ethiopians in a sleeping bag?
Twix

And what do you call 4 of them?
Kit Kat

What about a hundred in a plastic bag?
Twiglets

Or a thousand in a swimming pool?
Coco Pops

And what do you chuck one thats drowning?
A polo mint

i'll leave the stage now...
(ruffdiamond, Mon 30 Jan 2006, 22:52, Reply)

probly bin dun
Doctor: It's bad news, you have cancer and alzheimer's.
Patient: oh well, it could be worse - at least I don't have cancer.
(spacebaboon, Mon 30 Jan 2006, 14:27, Reply)

needs to be told in person i guess but this one made me laugh..
How do all bad taste jokes start?


*looks around*
(Craig can be found racing buses in manchester, Mon 30 Jan 2006, 11:53, Reply)

What is the difference...
between 12 dead hookers and a Volvo?

I don't have a Volvo.
(vannoy is fixing things and doing stuff., Mon 30 Jan 2006, 4:24, Reply)

Starvin' Africans, remember all the news coverage? add this to school boy humour!
Q) How do you get 50 ethiopians into a phonebox?
A) Throw in a can of beans.

Q) How do you get them out of the phonebox?
A) Run away with the tin opener!

Q) What do you call two ethiopians in a sleeping bag?
A) A Twix.
(Pfft_Of_Course_We_Graduated_COCK_Beer?, Sun 29 Jan 2006, 20:47, Reply)

one of the sicker ones I know...
Bob has a date with a hot girl and is boasting to his friend about it. His friend gives him a funny look. "Don't you know that Cindy's a hermaphrodite? She's got a bigger dick than either of us!"

Bob is a bit taken aback, but instead of being revolted he's actually rather turned on by the idea, so he keeps the date.

He takes her to dinner, they have wine, all is going well so he takes her for a drive through the countryside and parks. They start making out, and she says, "I hate to say it, but I need to go to the bathroom. Promise me you won't peek?"

He promises, and she slips out of the car and hunkers down in the bushes. He waits a moment, then sneaks out of the car and follows her. Sure enough, there's something long dangling between her legs. He can't resist, so he reaches out and grabs it.

She screams and jumps to her feet. "I didn't know you were behind me!"

He stares at his hand. "And I didn't know you were taking a shit."
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sun 29 Jan 2006, 20:29, Reply)

What do you get if you put a baby in a blender?
An erection.
(duts Optimus whut?, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 10:26, Reply)

don't ask why they're all there.
There are four blokes in a prison cell together: a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac and an extreme sports enthusiast.

The zoophile sighs and says, "You know, if there was a cat here I'd fuck it til I pass out."
The sadist nods, and sighs, "And once you were done with it, i'd torture it until it died."
The necrophiliac leans in and agrees, "Oh yeah, and once it was dead I'd fuck it til I passed out too."
The extreme sports enthusiast, sitting in the corner, very softly says "miaow."
( kingofpork is the king of pork, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 17:05, Reply)

Boy with no arms
Little boy with no arms is sat at home when he hears an ice cream van go past. He rushes outside and joins the queue. When he reaches the front of the queue the ice cream man looks at him and says "Hello son, what flavour would you like". Little boy says "Doesn't fucking matter does it, I'm only going to drop it."
(jakes, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 12:56, Reply)

Smoking
I was driving down the road the other day, finished a smoke and flicked it out the window.

About a minute later I smelt this horrible burning smell coming from the back of the car.


I turned around and had a look in the back seat; it was just Grandma fingering herself.
(JTR JTR, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 5:45, Reply)

Remember the Australian backpacker murders?
What is the difference between an english backpacker and a german backpacker?

About 8 feet

Ivan Milat and Heidi the German backpacker are having a midnight stroll through the Belanglo state forest
Suddenly Heidi says to Ivan "Oh Ivan I am so scared of your forests at night"
Ivan replies, "Your scared, I'm the one who has to walk home on my own"!
( Zank Frappa Who let the lefties in?, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 22:57, Reply)

God bless the Irish jokes!
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the class swot gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Patrick jumps up and says in a broad accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
(Lamby, Wed 25 Jan 2006, 17:14, Reply)

oh n another
Why did God give women 2 pairs of lips ?

Coz he made a right cunt up with the first pair
(Kage, Wed 25 Jan 2006, 16:35, Reply)

For those in the know about Celebs lifes
My Gf thinks this is sick, i think it's funny.

What's brown and bumps into tables ?

Harvey Jorden
(Kage, Wed 25 Jan 2006, 16:32, Reply)

Apparently I got this joke wrong...
What's better than coming second in the paralympics?



....HAVING LEGS
(paralyzedcitizen, Tue 24 Jan 2006, 22:32, Reply)

May already be here
Whats better than winning the paraolympics?




....HAVING LEGS!
(paralyzedcitizen, Tue 24 Jan 2006, 22:31, Reply)

Shout out to PS
I was into necrophilia until some rotten cunt split on me.

_{bye bye b3ta cherry!}
(tmozzy Eb Eb+ Ab Abm Eb Bb+ Eb On a large cheesey organ, Tue 24 Jan 2006, 21:45, Reply)

Twin Towers
I heard this about 3 days after September the 11th.

Two blokes are standing at the water cooler on the 35th floor of one of the towers of the World Trade Centre on 11th of September 2001. They are discussing their favourite flavours of crisps. Bloke 1 goes "In all honesty I prefer salt and vinegar flavoured." Bloke 2 replies "well my favourite flavour is PLANE!"
(Pfft_Of_Course_We_Graduated_COCK_Beer?, Tue 24 Jan 2006, 18:34, Reply)

Earthquake
This was after the pakistani earthquakes...

Whats the odd one out, a crab, a shark or a pakistani?

The shark. All the rest are crushed-asians!

well my dad pissed himself when he was telling me it.
(Pfft_Of_Course_We_Graduated_COCK_Beer?, Tue 24 Jan 2006, 18:31, Reply)

Tsunami...
After the Tsumani, thousands of Pakistanis died or were left injured and homeless.

The French sent doctors.

The Americans sent medical supplies.

The Germans sent building materials.

The English sent replacements.
(Mr_Jums, Tue 24 Jan 2006, 12:58, Reply)

possible the worst joke I've heard
Wha's the worst thing about eating bald pussy?

Putting the nappy back on
(Gen Graie Wherever you are, whatever you do,LOOK AROUND YOU, Mon 23 Jan 2006, 18:54, Reply)

feel like picking on Micheal jackson
what does Michael jackson and Chameleons have in commen?

both can change the color of there skin

what do Michael Jackson and a plastic bag have in commen?

both are made of plastic and dangerous to children

i swear after this im not going to make fun of him... as much
(Rated Arrr for pirates and nudity, Mon 23 Jan 2006, 18:29, Reply)

SuperHeroes
Superman was flying through Metropolis when a sudden randy urge fell over him. As he desparately searched for a release he saw wonder woman naked crouched on all fours on top of a skyscraper.
"id like me a piece of that" he thought and flew down there and after one super fast split second shag flew off again.

"What the fuck was that?" Wonder woman said.

The invisible man replied "Im not sure but my arse is killing me"

Ergo: Superman= teh pervy bumgay
(Soupy George Fear me!!!!!, Mon 23 Jan 2006, 13:38, Reply)

Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?

Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
( cheesebread at the third stroke, hammertime will be, Sun 22 Jan 2006, 3:45, Reply)