MyBook and FaceSpace and other such twaddle...
I've got a MySpace account that I set up because my best mate insisted I do it - I think I logged in once and never went back. My (now) wife set up Facebook for me because she had it and thought I'd love it. I hate it. every single thing about it. Yes, it's nice that she put up all the wedding photos and tagged everyone in every single picture, but frankly I don't want to talk to people I went to school with, or ex girlfriends.

I got an email from an ex of some ten years ago and, given that I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire, what am I supposed to do? Evidently, if I reject a request on Facebook, I'm up there with Saddam Hussein or Gary Glitter, so all I can do is ignore it. But then I get 47 more. Arsewank.

Worse still is the fit ex that I never wanted to split up with - when she emails me out of the blue, my missus gives me grief over it - so, thanks for setting up the profile for me hun - I appreciate being put in the doghouse over an unsolicited message from someone I dated five years ago and haven't spoken to in four years.

As for gaffes, well, I used some dating sites many moons ago (I met my missus on one) and made the mistake of confusing the make-new-friends site "friendfinder.com" with "adultfriendfinder.com" at one point (ok, I was pissed and clicked the wrong link in Google... Still, there was some fun to be had at times, so not all bad!
(Chad, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 13:28, Reply)

Went to Glastonbury with a few mates
and heard that some birds that visit the local boozer were also going. Although it’s nice to go into a pub and be greeted by 3 near hysterical girls screaming your name and grabbing at you for a hug and ANOTHER FUCKING PHOTO of you for their facebook page is nice now and then, it can wear a bit thin 3-4 times a week. Especially when one of the girls is a filthy cheating whore-bag, one a midget with a personality complex and the other a fat lump with warts on her flaps.

Anyway, back story set. We go to the main stage to see some whiney tosser whinge about some shit and strum a few strings of bollocks on his guitar (Joe Lean and the Jing Jang Jong) when in front of us we notice whorebag.

Being the rather stoned and generally stupid fools we are my friends and I decide to take a picture of her but not say hello (Far from their usual tirade being the point) From my point of perspective this is very funny, so I decide to see how close I can sneak up on her and get photos before she notices me there.

A handful of photos later and I’ve ninja’d through the crowd and managed to get a photo of me and her stood next to each other, my mates pulling faces in the background, her not noticing and looking frankly awful. I upload the photos and myself and mates have a good laugh. This laugh spreads out as more people realise what I’ve done (Many people that frequent the pub get the shouting and touching routine) until some cunt tags her.

Shes not my mate on facebook, I ignore her requests at least once a month but little did I know, once she’s tagged she can see MY photos of her.

Anyway, cue walking into the pub, getting the shouting my name followed by swears, threats of pints down my front and ‘My boyfriend is going to fuck you up’ bullshit.

I spose it’s good in a way, I can walk into the pub, not get touched and make it to the juke box without having to wet wipe my self behind the pool table.
(Tibble off the crack since, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 12:23, 4 replies)

No social life
= no social gaffes



/hermits furiously
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 11:47, Reply)

My tale of social hull........
Being a newbie on B3ta I've struggled to be accepted as a "B3tard" (I loathe that term). I've tried writing "witty" (note the inverted commas) and true stories about things which have happened to me in my life. But I've noticed a curious trend. The more embarrassing, tragic and above all, psychologically damaging the story, the more people will read it. Therefore, I feel vindicated in writing the following story. I'm quite a nervous chap (read my "Fear and loathing in the dating world" post in the "Will you go out with me?" thread for more evidence) and as some of you will be meeting me on Thursday, I feel it's probably a good time to let people know something about myself. So here is my tale of social networking gone horribly wrong. Enjoy!

WARNING: The story you are about to read takes place in the real world, not Facebook.

New year's eve, 31/12/2007, I was in a club in London (it's quite a big club, you might say it goes "on and on") I was with a few friends celebrating the birth of 2008. Much drink was imbibed, many dances were had and quite a few new year's resolutions were being broken on the stroke of midnight. Midnight came and went and people were wishing "happy new year" to everyone. Anyway, 10 minutes after midnight had struck, a gentleman came over to shake my hand and wish me a happy new year. After doing so, he leant in to kiss my (female) friend. She's a good looking lass. After kissing her, he backed away saying "Sorry, mate! Didn't mean to get too close!". Before I could laugh and say "Don't worry, mate! We're just friends!", the gentleman's girlfriend turned up a bit worse for wear and screamed (at volume which could be heard in Tokyo) "Don't be stupid! There's no way she'd go out with him! Look at him!" and just in case, anyone who was listening was in any doubt as to whom she was referring to, she pointed at me.

"God, you're ugly!", emphasising her point a little more. The gentleman looked absolutely horrified and dragged his girlfriend away (whilst she was still labouring her point). For the next 20 seconds, I stood in that club with everyone looking at me. It felt like 20 minutes. I couldn't move. I felt like a prize spanner.

Now, I'm not looking for any votes of sympathy (no, really, I'm not!) and I'll take any jokes coming my way in good heart, I actually look back on this episode with a smile. But while this doesn't qualify as a "gaffe" of my making it certainly was excruciating for me!

Length? It felt like it went on forever......
(The Stig, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 10:57, 27 replies)

I fucked FB
I have received a petition on my desk this morning from half a million disgruntled FB users. Apparently they don't like the new and complicated facia and are planning to stop using FB. Half a million down, a few more million and my plan has worked perfectly. MuwhahaMuwhah.

Length - A few months of cunning plans and public surveys.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 8:20, Reply)

The HR Manager
Before the days of facebook, and many moons ago. I was working for a company. We had a very stern but also sexy as hell Milf as a HR manager, she was the object of everyones sexual fantasies.

One of us happened to just find her Faceparty profile. Which had a link to a swingers website with naked pictures of her and her husband on it :)

We decided to be very sensible about things and not tell anyone.

The last bit is a lie
(Miggyman, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 7:25, 14 replies)

Late night shopping.
Not quite a social networking gaff. But let me tell you this: There is nothing, and I mean nothing worse than waking up with a stinking hangover to find your credit card left on your keyboard.

2 weeks later, two replica samurai swords from China? WTF!
(Miggyman, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 7:13, 8 replies)

ok a serious one.
back in the days of opendiary.com, when i was a much crazier and more troubled young loaf, i had this crazy gf.
she did some hellishly unpleasant things i won't go into.
i of course being young and naive, excluding names, journalled the trials and tribulations of young loaf in great detail on my diary

then the bitch found it.
next thing i know she's threatening legal action etc, posting on my profile all sorts of WILD accusations.


it wasn't until i pointed out to her that while me mentioning the misdeeds of an unnamed girl, under an internet pseudonym, did NOT constitute libel, her telling my friends, work colleagues, and landlord that i had got her pregnant, forced her to have an abortion, and given her HIV, (all, in case it wasn't obvious, untrue)was most DEFINITELY slander and she'd be wise to shut the fuck up.
she still stalked me for a good 4 years, telling everyone who would listen that i was the spawn of satan.
crazy bint.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 5:35, 1 reply)

i was working for a big telecomms company.
they shall remain nameless.

i was doing well so they sent me to 'merica to train on the latest and shiniest cisco router products and things.

i was amazed to see they'd put me up, not in a hotel but in a house,in los angeles. and a rather swanky one at that! i enquired, and found that through some rather circuitous circumstances i won't tire you with that the house was owned by a rather famous african-american boxing promoter with iconic hair.

so that's the story of my so-cal network king gaff.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 5:30, 3 replies)

I signed up for them..
That was a mistake.
Fortunately, a reversable one.
(bluekawasaki, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 0:36, Reply)

Dumped
Not technically my gaffe as hers, so I'll keep it concise: I was dumped on bebo.


On someone else's page.

Fucksocks.
(Rushy, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 23:39, 1 reply)

I'm not convinced this is a gaff, but here goes
I wrote a scathing review of my former place of work at www.anoniwork.com

Every word of it was true, and several former colleagues have written simillar. My former employers are now threatening to sue me for "slander".

Yes, I know that it's libel if it's in print. They don't. That should tell you the intellectual calibre of the people I had to deal with. Frivolous and groundless legal threats from someone with a BA in Leisure and Tourism are always fun when you have an LLB yourself.

Rather than contacting me or any of my colleagues, they posted this thread on anoniwork.com itself. In a sense, then, they're the ones who have committed the gaffe.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 22:57, 5 replies)

Anti-Social Networking Gaff
My wi-fi network is called Cocksucker, just to greet any neighbours that might try to hack it.
(kingnutter, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 22:35, 9 replies)

Not mine...
but seemingly quite a lot of peoples....

Not changing the news feed settings on facebook and its multitude of applications to prevent embarrassing wall posts/pictures/groups etc from broadcasting on the news feeds of all and sundry.
( Jsysco is mostly a lurker, mostly, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 22:30, Reply)

I sympathise, I really do.
My mate and her bloke are both my FB 'friends' and it seems every 5 minutes they're updating their status with such mind-blowing wisdom as, 'HER loves her fab fella!!xxx', 'HIM can't wait to see how beautiful HER looks tonight. Love you HER xxx', or even 'HIM is going off to bed for cuddles with the lovely HER xxx.'

And who other than themselves is really bloody interested in any of their pathetic photos??
And then they start to 'tag' each other's pictures and proceed to write 'cheeky' comments on EVERY-BLOODY-ONE! And I get up-to-the-minute notifications about it!!

They've just moved in together so I'll soon see if the constant updates decrease....haha.
( Ultimate Cakes & Sweets Why,what are you planning to do - photosynthesize?, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 22:28, 5 replies)

My social networking gaffe?
I'm still looking at porn (worksafe).
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 21:27, 1 reply)

i logged in to facebook today
and found i'd been sent a 'love potion' (one of these retarded apps things i guess)

by a midget.




true story.


well, actually, she may be a dwarf.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 20:40, 5 replies)

God damn those Facebook status...
So last Wednesday I was working nights, well should have been, but I decide i'm going for a few drinks early afternoon before heading into work.

Being of the modern "binge drinking you've-got-a-drink-problem" youth a couple of quick pints turned into a session which lasted all afternoon and into the late evening, suffice to say I didn't go to work.

I get home about 1am, 3 hours after I should have gone to work and update my Facebook status to say I was completely shitfaced and that if I got beaten by my friend at pool again I'd shove the pool queue up his arse.

I went to work Thursday night and had my "return to work" interview with the manager, telling him some bullshit story of being majorly sick and having a weird 24-hour bug. What a mistake, just as the interview was finishing he said "so how many games of pool did you lose yesterday? I suggest next time you bunk work you don't tell Facebook what you're upto - especially when your friends with half the management team."

Bollocks.

I still have to hide my face when I see him.
Oops.
(Random_Cvnt Spit on my twat you electro ponce.., Tue 16 Sep 2008, 20:19, 7 replies)

The perils of 'news feed'
Firstly, apologies for newness (and probably remarkably unfunny story but here goes).

I once fell out with a flatmate at university over politics (as you do at 3am in the morning when you're pissed off cheap Lidl lager because you can't afford anything else), and in my drunken stupor I buggered off back into my room to write an angry, angsty note on Facebook (ashamed I am!), not realising that slagging her off would be visible to her because of the news feed.

So the next morning at about 11am, she knocked on my door, and I got a swift kick in the bollocks for 'slagging' her off. About six days later she slowly forgave me but then we fell out again a year later for good over other issues, mainly because I really liked her and she didn't share the same view in return.

Length? After that kick there wasn't much to write home about...
(Mr Bryn, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 20:18, Reply)

i'll get my coat ready shell i
my brother set up a small internet cafe in brighton called seashell net.
but had to relocate to Woking to be nearer his kids after a nasty divorce.
so upon visiting him last summer i asked how business was compared to brighton.
he said he's have to look at the
SEASHELLNET, WOKING GRAPHS.

we're gonna need a bigger coat.
(suboftheday, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 18:14, 3 replies)

Defective audio is repentant
sorry !
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 17:26, Reply)

Defective Audio is annoying fellow B3tards
Is this mildly annoying?
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 17:25, Reply)

Friend of Mr Maladicta's from work's status:
"X is my name and seduction is my game!!!"

No. You're 17 and your photo makes you look like a cheap hooker, and to quote 4chan, GTFO.
( Maladicta, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 17:25, Reply)

Am I the only person
Who reads about all these b3tans moaning about facebookers constantly updating their status to give us a running commentary on their boring lives, and can't help but notice how many b3tans seem to change their sigs every other day or more?

hmm?
(Roopy all is not what it seams, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 17:18, 12 replies)

Defective Audio is viewing b3ta
Shit wrong website !
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 17:17, Reply)

In the early days of MySpace, when I hadn't yet realized how juvenile and useless everyone on it was,
I was invited to an all-around party thing in downtown Chicago by a group of classmates - eight of us total. The plan was to paint the town red in a manner befitting timid first-year art students, which is to say that we would go to the beach and the zoo, and maybe have a good deep dish pizza.

Having only a cursory knowledge of one another, it didn't become apparent until later in the evening that one among us was not our kind. In fact, a young man named Rod - clearly five years our superior - had infiltrated our MySpace group, masquerading as a fellow student. He was alright at first, even paid for dinner, but after having a few drinks down his neck he started to get a bit...wild. For our tastes. For his opening act on the beach, he harvested a healthy crop of wild shellfish found clinging to a rock, and promptly ate them raw.

DEAR GOD. This was lake Michigan, and we were right by the city runoff pipe.

"Yea-heah! I fuckin' LOVE MYSPACE!" he exclaimed, mouth dribbling with black slime, "I fuckin' love you guys!"

Stuffing the remains down his trousers, he followed us to the zoo, unaware that we were trying to escape his madness. It might also have been the fact that with a belly full of rum and sewage-laced mollusks, he was now a walking time bomb. A walking time bomb with fifty shells in his pants that jingled as he walked, as if he'd just shat out a small treasury.

Our efforts to avoid him were in vain, as he followed us around the zoo, belching and making up facts about the animals.

"Eighteen thousand children are killed each year by macaques. It's India's leading cause of infant mortality."

This man was a nut. Plain and simple. He wasn't being funny or ironic, he was just insane. We reached the giraffe enclosure and something horrible happened. As he shouted and slapped the poor animals' noses, the foul chemistry within his gut reached critical mass. No, he didn't vomit. Rather, somehow the chemical constituents of rotting seafood and alcohol had reacted in such a way as to produce a perfect giraffe aphrodisiac. A giraphrodisiac.

The giraffes became aroused, and our new friend, cackling louder than the hyenas, reached through the bars to perform a vile deed on the nearest one.

Yes, it was the sea shell nut wanking giraffes.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 17:15, 10 replies)

ARGH!
Just upgraded to new facebook, and I've discovered the evil behind it!



It's teh Quo!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 17:06, 4 replies)

an attention seeking girl in work
posted pictures of herself on Facebook in a 'prostitute costume' as she put it.

The following day in work, you could tell she was desperate for people to talk about her pictures. I would be chatting to her about something irrelavant, like sport, when she would butt in with "oh, 'dan' what ever you do - DONT look at my fotos, i look awful".

**alarms going off - then why the f*ck did she put them on there in the first place???!??!**

This is the same girl who updated her 'status' to a very slutty line, queue people mentioning it to her in work the following day. Queue an updated Status later that day saying
"XXXX reckons people should mind there own f*ckin business"

may i finally add, that this is the same girl that i get frequent requests off to add the 'slut application' and the 'will you have sex with me' application.

weird, wierd person.

But even after all this, i dont have the bollox to delete her as a friend... :(
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 16:54, 7 replies)