Memory loss...
Quite a few years back me and my brother were on a field trip to France with the college. In the hotel we were staying at the bulb in the bedroom died. "I'll handle this!" says my brother as he pick up the phone to call reception, confident in the knowledge that the five years of learning passable french in school would come to some use.

"Bonjour, réception." Says the person on the desk.

All five years of badly learnt french suddenly eludes my brother

"Speaka da english!?"

Class.


Ow! There goes another cherry.
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 13:50, Reply)

Trunks on Toast...
At work, a Zimbabwean collegue once asked, "So....Where do you keep your elephants??"

We just laughed and assumed he hadn't been in the country very long. We later found out he had previously been living in Newcastle...for 4 years!!!

(I've never been to Newcastle, but I assume there are not wandering herds of elephants there. If I am wrong, please let me know).

The same guy used to have a strange way with the ladies. Chat-up technique was:
Him: You married?
Her: No.
Him: You got kids?
Her: No.
Him: You got boyfriend?
Her: No.
Him: You go out with me?
Her: ...erm, no.
Him: .......you lesbian?

Classic!!! And he repeated that to at least 3 female collegues that I know of.
( Gren ..........Beyond Lurking since 2002, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 13:39, Reply)

Gee
Stratford Upon Avon, about 12 years ago. An aging American couple were wandering past us in a park. The woman pointed at some flowers and said, "Gee, Dwight - look at all those fragrances."

For about 5 minutes our whole group thought we'd walked onto the set of Monty Python's Meaning of Life. Sadly nobody thought to check if the woman was Michael Palin in disguise.


( Dr.A, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 13:01, Reply)

Another Merkin tale
I was the tourist this time - sitting in a coffee shop in Santa Monica, chatting to a local. He asked where I was from, and I said London, and he replied "I just don't see the point of Europe - we've got everything we need right here, hell we even built replicas of your best sh*t in Vegas so we don't have to fly and see the originals!"

I think that's the problem with many Merkins (note: MANY, not ALL) - they really could do with actually experiencing the rest of the world, rather than thinking of it as a list of things to see.... (Eiffel Tower - done. London Village - done etc).

Rant over....
(emma_fisi, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 13:00, Reply)

Movies?
I was in Kensington High Street a couple of years ago when I was accosted by two middle aged Americans. They asked me whether there were any "Movie Theaters" in Central London.

I said "Yeah.. there's loads of cinemas in London.. what do you want to see?"

"Cinema? No we want a movie theater" was their reply.

"Go to Leicester Square" I said, now wishing them to be ripped off with the prices there.

"Is that LIE-CHESTER Square? Where the hell is that on the subway".

Rolling my eyes back I told them it was easier to walk through the park. "Thataway!" They needed the exercise anyway.
(Dad Watches Porn "I like it when it's cold", Wed 13 Jul 2005, 12:38, Reply)

Some people want everything...
Friend went on holiday to Florida and went out for a boat trip with several other groups of people.

When they got back to the quay, a New York family was complaining that they wanted their money back as the sea had been too rough and had made them seasick! I mean, it was a BOAT TRIP!

No pleasing some people...
(Mattle, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 12:25, Reply)

Boden
Your mechanic friend was clearly a Scotsman commenting on the totty! The correct response is "arggh bleurgh reet hootnehoot" and something about mooses and hooses.
(Jordy, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 12:08, Reply)

Whilst in San Francisco...
iPod Minis had just come out. I figured - what the hell, I'm on holiday, may as well get one cheaper than at home if I see it.

Apparently asking for an iPod Mini is the funniest thing the guy (reminiscent of the comic book owner from the simposons) had ever heard.


Other than that, San Francisco is great, everyone was nice. Hard to find a good restaurant, but there is a place called 'Frjtz' (I think - pronounced 'frites') that sells facking ace chips.
( Liquid Crystal, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 11:36, Reply)

Re Mr Moo Cow - HairyBeef
What was the american doing buying a goldfish in Spain? The mind boggles.
(d4vestar, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 10:56, Reply)

In Spain, on a drinking mission rather than anything more cultural
Went round the supermarket with a friend who was starving and ate a doughnut on his way round. When we got to the checkout he tried to explain and pay, but without any Spanish and talking to a pretty young spanish girl who couldn't speak English he was getting nowhere:
"I would like to pay for a doughnut"
"?"
"Doughnut?"
"?"
"Doughnut" and he gestured eating with his hand.
"Ah, Si" And she rang up about £5.
"No." And we'd reached an empasse, when suddenly the small kid behind us, all of about 10, lent forward and in perfect slow Essex tones, said "DOOOOUUUGHNUUUUT" drawing a fast circle in the air.
The girl nodded and rang up the correct price.
Go figure.
(Sir Ian Blair, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 10:53, Reply)

Spams
On a trip to NY a few years ago with my mates we were lucky enough to get chatting to three quality spam girls in a fake Irish bar.
As it was christmas we were discussing what the best present was we had all received from Saint Nicolas.
ME - I got a Festina watch, 400 quids worth
SPAM1 - Really? Thats nice. I got a blanket
SPAM2 - Oh, I got a blanket too

WTF?!!!!!!

And so followed lots of piss-taking from me and my mates.
(Axe murderer, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 10:40, Reply)

Not tourists, b3tards
OK, there's a little voice telling me "leave it alone... leave it alone" (makes a nice change from "burn it") but, sod it, I'm going to say this anyway.

If you actually read Huyanga's post it's obvious that the humour is that the Japanese girl was asked if she had been to the States and replied "No, but I've been to Hawaii". It is thus implicit in her statement that she does not believe Hawaii to be a part of the States, the States, one assumes, being short for The United States of America. And so we can clearly see that the girl in question either misunderstood the question or did not believe Hawaii to be a part of the USA.

In summary: schnuff and especially cragett you've made yourself look somewhat like tits.

Edit: sorry cragget, missed the apology. Statement regarding similarity to milk producing appendages retracted.
(Captcheese, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 10:39, Reply)

Jabboy
Quoted for posterity:

"A Large American Lady after walking for 5 minutes
"Why couldn't they have built windsor castle closer to the tube station?"
Fat AND stupid."

Jabboy - Apart from this story being an urban myth that's been regurgitated here about 20 times so far, it's worth noting that Windsor doesn't even have a tube station, as it's outside London, 25 miles down the M4. This therefore makes you stupider. And possibly fatter. And you're not even a tourist - fuck knows how you'd do if you ever went abroad ;)
(8-Ball, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 10:23, Reply)

yes dear
Sitting in the restaurant of a lovely little family-run hotel in Calais on the annual trip back to England (we were living in Switzerland at the time), my Dad started trying to teach my little sister a bit of French. She did ok, then the conversation died down as bit as we tucked into our delicious meals.

a few minutes of silence later, lil sis pipes up 'oh and daddy, what's a menage a trois? is it like a meal for three or something?'

cue the little old lady owner in the corner (who didnt speak a word of english) cracking up laughing and running into the kitchen where we were to hear loud french cackling for the rest of the evening.

...my mum ended up explaining to her that it was something that some people did but that it wasnt very nice...
(chesty, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 10:14, Reply)

I visited a Buddhist temple in Vietnam
For those of you who don't know, you're expected to behave in a respectful and reverential manner in such religious places as these.

There was a hedge cut into an unusual shape in the grounds of the temple. It represented a metal thing in which they burn incense as an offering to Buddha/their ancestors etc.

I didn't know this of course, and loudly asked our charming tour guide "Why is there a teapot here?"
(Pachey, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 10:08, Reply)

Lady, this is theft!
Yankie cousin comes over to Britain, she's an accountant and all is fine; we'll you'd think so wouldn't you?

Sitting around talking to her she starts going off about the money exchange. She got her money changed from dollars to pounds in Britain and the following results were in fact cringe worthy. Her words were something to the effect of,
"Lady, this is theft I gave you 500dollars I want my 500pounds."
It turns out that despite her being an accountant and the likes she couldn't comprehend exchange rates and thought that the pounds was just the British word for Dollar or something like that. No matter how hard we tried we couldn't get through to her that her economy was shit and that for her precious 500 dollars she got about 300 pounds.
And she's a relative, kill me, kill me now.
(Frozen_Banana Shaved against the grain; thoroughly unrewarding., Wed 13 Jul 2005, 9:58, Reply)

bit cruel
i first started dating my (scottish) gf just before she moved down to brighton for work.. she'd only been to england once before, which i recon makes her a tourist..

anyways, i picked her up from gatwick, and as some of you will know, as you blat down th a23 you go past pease pottage. 'whats that' she asked. i consider the truth (its just a smallish villagey place) but instead decide to have some fun.
'do you not have any pottages up in edinburgh?'
'no, what are they?'
'aahh.. they're a very old type of building, thats a little like a cross between a pot and a cottage, hence the name.. basically a few hundred years ago straw for thatched roofs was very scarce, so people built small round houses without a roof at all, in order to keep the wind away. the houses would have a porch cover, where the occupants could stand if it was raining. unfortunately they were a bit rare cos they only offered protection from rain OR wind, not both, and as such most were destroyed. pease pottage is one of the best surviving examples'
'really?? we'll have to go see it sometime..'

a few days later i admitted the truth just after she'd finished telling her parents

:)
(5lab, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 9:43, Reply)

The mysteries of flight
I once swear I over heard two people on the bus having the following converstaion:

1) "Where'd you go for you 'olidays then?"
2) "Dunno, we flew"

Class, sheer class.
(Chicken Amygdala, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 9:35, Reply)

Well you know...
....as stupid as we Yanks/Merkins/whatever are, we have never been banned as a nationality from hotels in Mallorca due to our penchant for swilling truckloads of alcohol, punching anyone within range and puking said truckload all over the police wagon. Not to mention certain silly behavio(u)r at "football" matches in foreign countries...

insert your Iraq comment here: ______________

I like the British, I really do - but you'd best learn how to better handle your liquor and temper. And have you taken a look in the mirror lately? You're quickly catching up in the lard-ass red-faced competition with all that pre-processed shit from Amerika you've been eating.

Cheeri-o.
(Skipthewhip, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 9:28, Reply)

Australia
G'day!

I'm a Brit on holiday in Australia at the moment. I'll let you know if I do anything stupid.

Does going to Australia when it's winter here and there's a bloody heatwave back home count? There were floods a few days ago!

Best part of a grand down the toilet (dunnie).

Arse!
( Netspore, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 9:22, Reply)

Silver Screen
The first time my mum realised that grown ups can believe the stupidest things was when she was in a French lesson...

The teacher was French, but had moved to England years before. In class, they were talking about 'going to the cinema' (oh joy) and suddenly the teacher asked

"Does anyone know what cinema screens are made from?"

They went round, suggesting things like canvas etc, but when they'd all run out of ideas the teacher said triumphantly,

"They're made from SILVER! Haven't you ever heard the expression 'the silver screen'?"

There was a stunned silence.

Then my mum piped up "Um, miss...if they were made from silver, someone would've gone round nicking 'em!"

Never mind the physics of such a thing, they were in the East End, ther'ed have been all these great cinema silver screen thefts in the Pathe newsreels....if they could find something to project them onto that is. Stupid Frenchie.
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 9:18, Reply)

Was I stupid or he?
Picture the scene. I'm in the casino in Melbourne in one of the upstairs nightclubs. The dance floor is full of bronzed young beauties dancing the night away. Quite a site to see for a young(ish) lad such as myself. Up steps a short guy who looks like he just got out of work at a garage or similar... He says something to me.

I imagine what he probably said was something articulate and humerous about the top quality views on the dancefloor. What I heard was basically 'Arrra yaarrr bleeuurrr hurrr' or similar.
( beefandcheese, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 9:10, Reply)

Clever tourist, silly toffs
Not me, but gf`s brother.
Aparently he was visiting Cambridge for some reason or other and on a night out he convinced a load of snobby Cambridge students that a group of monkeys was called a "Flange"
(Fishbone-didi, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 8:31, Reply)

Even our bestest relations are dumb
Not quite stupid tourists, rather stupid locals being taken advantage of by cunning visitors...

Me n the missus lived in a rather nice part of Melbourne for quite a long while (Middle Park if you know it, halfway between the city and Kilda) but had never really had the chance to go out for a local piss-up. So we set out one night and found a local pokies n booze combo bar right across the road from the seafront.

I order lager. Missus orders a baileys. Mystified look from barman, who looks at a 1 and a half litre bottle that's obviously been lurking behind the bar, undisturbed by womankind for years. Mystified barman then pours HALF A PINT of Baileys into a glass and say 'is that about right?', before charging her about the same as my pot of Carlton Cold.

Needless to say, I switched drinks, to smirks from the poof-hating locals, but to merriment from me n mrs phookoo, who got rat-arsed on about 15 dollars (7-odd quid)

No apologies for length, which wasn't much anyway after nearly a litre of liqeur.
(phookoo, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 1:18, Reply)

American postgrad at Exeter Uni
Her: "So I hear you have pigeon racing in the UK?"
Person1: "Yeah? Whys?"
Her: "OMG I can't beleive you people make pigeons run around a track and that people would watch that:
Person1: "err okay wtf!?

Her: "What is it with all the shanty towns in Exeter, are people really that poor in the UK? I think it's horrible."
Person1: "Shanty towns!? Where? What?"
Her: "Yeah you know on the edge of town and by the railway lines..."
Person1: "Oh you mean allotments?"
Her: "What? They're little shanty towns, they have little huts with people in them!"
Person1: "Ahahahahahahahahaha OMG, no they're peoples gardens/vegetable patches, they dont live in those little huts"

Americans! And even educated! Deary me! :p
(anudeglory, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 23:59, Reply)

rocks
Not a tourist, but an American friend, when we got to Hastings and walked onto the beach came out with "Oh My God! Who put all these rarks on the beach?"

She also thought we were really sick to use cates-eyes on the roads. "That's just gross"
(Steve, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 23:51, Reply)

to BarmyBubba
so, what you're saying is that the lone rangers sidekick is called ... idiot and not 'wild one' ?
(sham-il-eer-tak-tak noes better but still can't give a fuck at, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 23:20, Reply)

Same Old Questions
I went to the States (Chicago) in 1999 on business. While I was chatting to an American colleague I mentioned that a common joke in the UK is the one about being asked if you know the Queen, and that although I live in a city of over 500,000 people will ask me if I know Steve or whoever.

The guy nodded knowingley and then said, "So you're from Sheffield? Do you know a guy called Paul? I don't know his second name but he has dark hair."

I just shook my head, the guy couldn't understand why I was smiling.
(hal9001, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 23:16, Reply)

Not really a tourist but anyway...
My girlfriend's little brother appears to have mildly broken himself recently and so was escorted by his mother to hospital. Maybe about a week or so ago.

The doctor is Romanian, so the mother decides to strike up a conversation.

"What language are you speaking?" says she. which of course leads the doctor to say, "at the moment, English".
(Agent Buckwald, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 22:32, Reply)