Not a tourist but
the fucking new American ambassador to Canada. He was asked on public radio if he'd been to Canada before. He answered yes, he had about 30 years ago on his honeymoon at Niagra Falls. When asked if he'd explored at all, he confidently told the interviewer they'd gone out, oh, south and west to see the country.





South and west of either Niagra Falls (Canadian or American) is New York State. Our ambassador to one of the few countries that doesn't hate us on sight isn't quite sure where Canada is. Way to go, Bush. It seems the best qualifications for an ambassadorship is the ability to give large wads of cash to the Fuckpublicans.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 5:23, Reply)

A story told to me by my ex-husband
While he was studying in Italy, he and some friends went to an open air produce market. Thinking to try her Italian on the locals, a friend asked where she might find the "fiche secche" or what she thought meant "dried figs". The shop keeper seemed a little taken aback and then answered " Be...sulle donne vecchie!" or "On old women!". It seems the word for cunt and the word for fig are only one vowel off...
( Artamnesia, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 5:01, Reply)

I betray my countrymen with this story
but I did witness this when travelling in Italy with my boyfriend (who is in no way an ugly american, having spent years of graduate study abroad and being fluent in Italian, Spanish, French and German). We were at a bar near the Spanish steps. In Italy a bar is not really a place to get drunk but more like a coffeehouse with maybe apertifs or wine. One of my countrymen was ordering in English, and loudly (how else will foreigners understand?!) a White Russian. He bellowed " A White Russian! A White Russian!! You got Vodka? You got Cream? A White Russian!" We finished our coffee in silence, afraid that he would identify us as American and attempt to associate with us.

I do want to point out that it's kind of small to fault the faux pas of foreigners on your soil. First-time visitors to a new place aren't going to know everything about a somewhere new. That's what's fun about travelling. Ignorance doesn't merit contempt, but ugly behavior does.
( Artamnesia, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 4:48, Reply)

As an American
travelling in Europe - sort of reverse tourist idiocy.
Amazing how people believe that being American means we must know Michael Jackson, or that being from California must be very like living in Graceland. Every Italian has a cousin in America, how surprising that we have never met! Folks, it's a big....big country.
Incidentally, I work on the Magnificent Mile in Chicago and all summer have to endure waiting at my local bakery behind lovely old British couples who must to peruse the entire menu, discuss, compare and prattle endlessly before they can order a simple pastry or bowl of soup. It's like being forced to watch an entire season of Masterpiece Theater in order to get my lunch.
( Artamnesia, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 4:21, Reply)

i sign all guest books
with the name ZORDON (yes in capitals) saying im from mars and then find some blank pages and draw willies (you knows it makes sense)

thats right, im a funny guy
(woo who?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 3:56, Reply)

Bound to happen, embarrased and apologetic already
I'm actually leaving for Ireland in about an hour. It will be my first time to Europe. Unfortunately, I will be with my family, who are...pretty "American." I just hope I don't end up with the ENTIRE nation hating me through association.
(EclipseLifter, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 3:49, Reply)

I once overheard an American kid
in the Duxford Imperial War Museum gift shop, asking "Dad, how many Euros does this cost?"
( hazzamon I've nothing better to do, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 2:43, Reply)

I was on bus from London to Nottingham....
...while a American student (Californian accent, wild hair, sun tan, LOUD) discusses his London sightseeing with his mate at the top of his voice.

Being a common antipodean I'm loving the scene and the heavy air of disapproval on the bus. *Imagine* talking (talking!) out loud on a bus. I think the thing that hurt the Brits most was that he was a visitor from a country that Brits have such a marked inferiorority complex to, and he *wasn't obeying the rules*.

Anyway, his best line was : "So I got to, like, Buck-ing-ham palace, and I'm all like "Yeah, so there's the GARAGE, where's the PALACE?" Dude. Whoa". Or something like that.

Hope all London B3tans are OK.
(davebowman, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 2:31, Reply)

Kangaroos in australia
my cousin had the delight of looking after an american kid through his school for cricket course.

naturally the first thing the little turd said when he got out of the airport was "where are the kangaroos?". this is normal you might suggest.

but my cousin is the only person i know in perth with a pet kangaroo. the yank shat himself when he went out into the backyard and had a roo attack him

see... even roos hate americans
( faultykyle, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 2:27, Reply)

Back when I lived in Sooooomerset where
There's a lovely city called Wells. In fact, it's the smallest city in England. Now, this small city obviously has a Cathedral, which is ridiculously huge. Whilst working by a *small* church Wells a few years back, I overheard some yank tourists exclaiming excitedly "THAT'S THE CATHEDRAL! IS IT THE CATHEDRAL! IT IS!"
( FinestLittleSpace, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 2:25, Reply)

Yanks
She didn't so much as say anything, but was wearing a Limp Bizkit t-shirt backwards.
( gazz, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 1:58, Reply)

Baker St tube
"This is where sherlockholmes (all one word) lives!"
(chegosaurus sucks at b3ta, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 1:38, Reply)

Stupid Americans!
Quite recently I was waiting in the departure lounge at Edinburgh airport for a trip to Barcelona, and a group of elderly American tourists (flying to Dublin, where I can only imagine they got on even worse) were sitting were sitting in the seats behind us. They were old enough to really know better, but they were American..

Strike one:
One of the men complaining about the 'Scotch' he had purchased from the duty free shop

'This Scotch is 8 years old...who wants to drink whiskey that isn't fresh?'

Strike two:
The same moron eating a packet of Walkers' 'Four Cheese Flavour' Crisps, to one of the other oldies

'What number is your cheese'

'Sorry?'

'Mine is number four, I was wondering what yours was'

Strike Three...you're out!

Boarding call for one of the flights, clearly in perfect English, one of the idiots states:

'I thought they done announcements in the British language'

There was also a classic that someone left in the guestbook in Edinburgh castle (again, an American):

'Nice castle...but couldn't you have built it closer to the airport?'
(SanDimasHighSchoolFootballRules, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 1:14, Reply)

One from Norway...
A yank married couple which were travelling ith the Norwegian shipping line "Hurtigruten" claimed their money back since "The midnight sun is the same sun as back home in the US, the shipping line gave us the impression that they have an another type of sun here in Norway, this is fraudulent behaviour.
Yup, you can read it here (if you can translate it first).
www.stavangeravisen.com/art.asp?art=18667
( mikeyyy, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 1:00, Reply)

Leicester Square
A friend of my missus was stoppped in London ages ago by an American Couple who wanted directions to "Lie Sester Square". When he corrected them and Said "Oh yeah, Leicester square its over that way mate on your left".

To which they Duly replied "No no, listen to me LIE-SESTER SQUARE".

So he tried again, but they came back with the old "No no, listen to me, LIE-SESTER SQUARE", so then he says "OH, sorry, LIE-SESTER Square is over that way mate, on your right..." and off they went :-)
(Baron Von Chickenpants Noli nothis permittere te terere, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 0:42, Reply)

Lived in Helston, Cornwall for many years
Back there they have an annual tradition, the 'Flora Dance'(or Furry (fuh-ree, nor fur-ree) dance) (immortalised in 7-inch vinyly by Terry Wogan, although he called it a 'floral' dance.

Chosen members of the town dress up in their best bib'n'tucker and dance a circuitous route up and down the town's streets, in and out of shops etc. and this happens 4 times in a day while the brass band lead the pack and the beer runs from 7am onwards etc.

In between the 7 o'clock and the 9:30 dance there is also a rendition of the slaying of the dragon by St George, costumes aplenty, banging drums also. (the 'Hal-an-tow')

So, Merrycan dad behind us in the audience crush decides to educate his family by explaining that this diversion must be the 'Fauna dance' because there are 'animals' involved in it.

'It stands to reason, willya lissen to me for a goddam minute? This must be where fauna and flora comes from'

Aristotle would be rotating at high speed in his grave.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 0:36, Reply)

Florida
Technially I'm the tourist here, being British and all, but it's just so classic.

I'm standing in line for a rollercoaster ride in Universal Studios, Florida, where the obviously American couple behind me overhears my conversation with my friend.

I suddenly have a tap on my shoulder.

"Hey, so are you like, from the Royal Family?"

For a moment I was shocked but decided that I should reply with,

"Shh, I'll let you in on a secret. I am part of the Royal Family, infact I'm the Prince, but we're in disguise from the press, so if you could keep quiet, we'd be most pleased".

They even had their picture taken with us.
Bless. Must have made their day.
( chandler3224, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 0:34, Reply)

Re Sarahahahah
You work in the Canny Man (the Volunteers Arms) in Morningside?

That is the sort of customer service they doled out to locals and tourists, alike, when I lived in Embra.

The barmans friend once said to my wife that "red heads gave him hard-ons", just as I walked into the pub to meet her. I proceeded to take my karate suit (and impressive belt) out of my rucksack and refold them in front of him (and his dickwad barman friend) and put them deliberately back in the bag. We got thrown out for causing trouble.

I reckon the trouble the bar manager was refering to was the cleaning of the shite splattered down the trouser legs of his friend and on the floor, when the spacker ran, belming, to the bar out of fright! If the guy could have been more of a coward, he would be laying his own breakfast.

On the subject of tourists, the owner of this pub once threw a foreign business man out for drinking fresh orange juice! It made the papers and everything. The post-script to this was my mate Bob had a job there and the owner told him "only "shirt lifters" drink fresh orange!" So it was a homophobic hate crime!

Bob did laugh all the way to his boyfriends house, to get a beer and a good hard bumming!
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 0:32, Reply)

We like to make it confusing for em...
I work on the railway, and used to be on the trains that connected Stanstead Airport with the Midlands and the North West.

On the departure screens at the train station at Stanstead, you could only get trains to two places:

1] London Liverpool Street
2] Liverpool Lime Street

Now people who have just stepped off a plane walk into the station headed for our glamourous capital city are confronted with this:

The London trains usually had "Liverpool St" on the front,
The Merseyside bound ones had "Liverpool L St" on the front.

So, i know that the Tourists are told that Stanstead is some way out of London, and that our trains here are shite, but how i wondered how many of them thought that a five hour journey was taking the piss somewhat, what the fuck a big murial of John Lennon as the Mona Lisa was doing just outside Liverpool Station, and why they couldnt see Big Ben on the skyline...
(Nayson, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 0:27, Reply)

911 is a joke in your town...
I was driving my ambulance through the city centre - just perving at a slow cruising speed - and noticed a middle aged guy sitting on the pavement looking distressed. Figured that he had fallen over so stopped to see if he was okay. Said American tourist says that he had fallen and berated me for "taking so long to get there".
I explained that I hadn't been dispatched at all and asked him what number his wife had called. He replied that she had dialled 911 (instead of 000) and I pointed out the error and that as such she couldn't actually have spoken to anyone.
Easy mistake of course, but the really stupid reply was "Well you have the same sirens as us so the number must have been right".


edit: American tourists from the Southern states seem to be far more uncouth than their Northen counterparts. Born and bred?
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 0:18, Reply)

Classic nonsense from tourists
Being described as "Scotch", by a Mercan, in Edinburgh. He really did not get the fact that it pissed me off, nor the joke about the fact the only thng that should get called Scotch is the sticky tape by 3M.

The following day, I was asked how long would it take to get to Inverness from Perth?
"about 2 and a half hours"
"WHAT? I thought it would be 15 minutes."

Big thumbs on little maps

And an other thing why would any Mercan want to go to Loughborough? All there is a ponsey sports orientated unversity.

I smell a bandwagon!
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 0:15, Reply)

Daft Tourists
I work at one of the most prestigious Whisky & Real Ale pubs in Edinburgh. It's very posh and very traditionally Scottish in a posh way (but this means, as barstaff, we get the joy of refusing anyone we don't like, including students, hen nights and people wearing those bloody stupid "Jimmy" hats)

Anyway, we get a lot of celebs and politicians in. One night, Joe Jackson, who was playing in the city, was entertaining several American mates, including the guy who produced Bat Out Of Hell. Todd Rundgren according to the internet. I wouldn't know, because Meatloaf's shite.

So, this lardy yank comes up to the bar, which is famed for having 170+ malt whiskies.

"AH WANNA SKAAAAAATCH!"
"Which one? We have over 170. Perhaps you would like to see the whisky list?"
"NAAA, AH WANNA SKAAAATCH!"
"Okay, what sort of price range can you afford?"
"WHATEVER!"
"Ah, sir, I see.. I have here.. a 27 year old Macallan, at £17.50 a nip. Would that be alright?"
"YEAH!"

hahahaha.

Oh, alright, if that's not good enough, a big group of tourists came in asking if we served food.
"Only pies and toasties," said the other barman.
"Could we get the menu then?" Said the yanks. Aforementioned barman ripped the front of a barmat, wrote "PIES AND TOASTIES £1.50" on it, and gave it back to them.
(sarahahahah, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 0:14, Reply)

Dry humour?
Living in a tropical tourist city in Australia (Cairns) we get our fair share of not-so-bright visitors.
Twas the middle of the wet season and the wife and I were taking a walk through some local World Heritage listed rainforest.
Overheard an American guy complaining to his wife that he was disappointed that it was raining as he hadn't expected that it ever rained in Australia.
Not even in a rainforest...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 0:04, Reply)

had a great laugh at a danish guy
who asked the waitress at a restaurant:

"how long does it take to eat ice cream?"
(softporn 70's sink fixer, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 23:51, Reply)

Not Americans this time!
Australian man I know is staying at a hotel in China. Thought he'd do the right thing and learn a bit of the local language. It's tricky, because it's all about getting intonation and inflection right. The wrong emphasis can change the meaning entirely.

Every morning he would go to reception and ask "Are there any messages for Mr. Smith?"

"Teeheeheehee! No!" said the girls coyly, every morning. This went on for a couple of weeks.

It wasn't until after he left that he learned he was getting the inflection wrong and asking "Are there any messages for Mr. Pantyhose?"
( HairyCanary as Ann B. Davis as Alice, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 23:45, Reply)

How to Confuse a Redneck
Once while on our high street i was asked by an American couple if i knew where Rile is, (They meant Rhyl) so I answered them in welsh and directed them to one of the roughest pubs in Denbigh
(markm1701, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 23:40, Reply)

It's the big blue thing...
My home town was a rather pretty Cumbrian town right on the coast. I was approached by a tourist of unknown origins who asked me the way to the harbour. I turned around 180 degrees and pointed at the very obvious harbour a few feet directly behind me. It even had several boats in it. She had asked me while facing it having walked a good long way down the hill towards it.
(KelBardi is somewhat bemused, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 23:39, Reply)

Friend of mine
In Gran-caneria (twas shite) and he decides to wow me with his 'spanish' skills. This involved adding 'o' and 'ee' onto the end of every english word. One night we had to ask for directions to 'the kasbah' (bars etc). He walked into a restaurant, making a drinking gesture and saying, "pub-o?? pubo-o?!". I have since learned that pubbo is spanish for 'turkey'!

Lol!!oneeleven etc blah blah
( Victor Meldrew, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 23:36, Reply)