when I lived in London
overheard an American on the South Bank ask which part of Scotland Wales was in, and I had a mate that when asked for directions by someone with the accent, would ask their nationality first. If they were Canadian he wouldn't purposely misdirect them

I get the feeling that the biggest problem people have with americans isn't their stupidity or naivety - we all make mistakes when abroad in a strange place- it's that unique mix of stupidity and arrogance that does it and the complete lack of self awareness of the fact
(Pope Benedict XVI, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:36, Reply)

I'm Scottish.
But my grandparents are from a nice little touristy village in the Cotswolds. You often meet American tourists there.

When one elderly American couple discovered I was from Scotland, they asked, entirely without irony, if there was running water and electricity in Scotland.

They'd seen Braveheart, and for some reason, thought it was a contemporary film.
( drunkenoaf, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:35, Reply)

French
I was in New York cashing in some travellers Cheques at Citibank. Filled name in, signed them dated them etc, first time user of travellers cheques seem to be a bit or a pain.
Hand them over to Marge or whatever her name was, when she looks at me a bit strange. Unsure what the problem was asked politely,
Me "whats wrong?"
Marge "er no problem its just that you put the date in the same way a French client did earlier."
Me "er yes we do it that way in Engalnd aswell."

Her question which will haunt me until I die..

"Do you speak French in England?"


First post apologies for crapness..
(Rusty Liar, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:34, Reply)

Crewe
I once overheard an American, on a train, asking when the vehicle stopped at "Cree-wee". For some reason it evoked images of crustecian bladder movement, but I'm not entirely sure why.
(The Secret 7000 ...join us. www.secret7000.co.uk, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:33, Reply)

Vietnamnesia
Sitting a bar on Khao San Rd, Bangkok...Overheard an American chick telling her American friends how annoyed she was by little kids when she travelled through Vietnam. They threw stones at her. She was whining on about couldn't understand why they would want to do that. Whine whine whine...

So I helpfully pointed out that perhaps the fact that America bombed the crap out of Vietnam had something to do with it? She replies 'whaddya talking about?' I explained a bit about when it happened etc etc. Cue her getting very shitty with me about us 'mangy Brits always trying to bring America down' and telling me that it can't have happened because they didn't teach her about it in school!

I will never forget her. Imbecile.
(groovchik, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:27, Reply)

Zee Germans
Meanwhile, just outside Unterhagen..

Me and two mates were stood in some street in Munich working out where we were going to get food when a car pulls up.

The occupant winds down the window and starts asking questions, in *italian* and pointing to a map. Cool as ice my mate slowly swivels round 180 degrees, points right at the driver and says, "I DON'T UNDERSTAAAAND YOU!!" in a heavy cockney accent.

Upon turning back to us carrying on the conversation, the bewildered driver just drove off, which cued us to obviously piss ourselves laughing.
(kna has forgotten everything., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:26, Reply)

This tourist came up to me
and said "I'm slightly lost, can you direct me to the train station"

Can you beleive it ?

Didnt even know where the train station was ?

What a cunt !

I knew where the train station was when I was fucking ten years old.

Hahahahahahahahahaha.

The yanks have the right idea, blow the cunts up before they turn up in your country wearing a camera and asking for directions.....
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:26, Reply)

"Oh Gee, we went to the Louvre
We saw the Mona Lisa and that statue with the arms all bust off..."
( dr_fonz, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:25, Reply)

American Tourist at Heathrow
I was waiting in the (stupidly long) checking in queue at heathrow. Behind me was a dutch guy and behind him was a yank who was gibbering constantly at this poor dutch bloke.... This is roughly what I overheard...

A - Gee, I don't recognise your accent?
D - I'm Dutch.
A - Really? So where is Dutch then?

Or whilst actually in america. Bearing in mind I come from south london.
A - You're from europe? Wow you speak really good english.

Or the best yet -
England? That's in europe right? What country does it border with?
Oh, it's an island? How do you mean?
Right... surrounded by water and not physically attached to europe... So how do you get off that then?

Don't get me wrong... I like Americans... I just think their leader is a psychopath.

No apologies. Never ever, never bloody ever.
( Beastie is doing science with his arse, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:22, Reply)

I was at the bank.
In walked a welsh-sounding man.
"This is a stick up." he said.
"No... that's a shot gun." I said.
He was so embarrased by his mistake that he shot me in the face.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:21, Reply)

Not strictly a daft tourist...
...but all these stories of 'Do you know ... from ...' reminded me of a time I was in Boston.
Sitting down to breakfast in the hotel, some guy from New York walks up and asks if he can use the spare place at the table. He hears my accent and says 'You from Scotland' to which I replied 'Aye'.
Then he asks me if I know a guy called Eddie S***** as he's from Scotland too. Would have been a you twunt moment, only I did know the guy, he used to be my music teacher!
(sparrie2k, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:18, Reply)

classic
"it's easy, we just have to get on the northern line"
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:16, Reply)

Hahahaha Americans are so stupid hahaha
and they're all fat and waddle around invading people hahaha and they say "fanny pack" haha.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:16, Reply)

I used to live in York, it gets a LOT of tourists, and the whole place is geared to catering for them, so at the height of summer you are constantly left with a sense of being in your own York theme park.
I could probably furnish you with many stories about stupid tourists in York but here are two:

How many times you are asked by Americans where the 'Cathedral' is in a day is astonishing, as THE MINSTER IS REALLY BIG and nothing in the centre of York obscures it and you can almost always see it. If you're feeling nice, you point up, if you're not, you give them gibberish instructions that will take them in a circle, THEN tell them to look up...

French hoardes of school children are easy to spot as they all dress in REALLY bright colours, and when I was working in a shop they would almost always fancy themselves as clever thieves (it was a joke shop, the stink bombs were very popular!) except I can speak and understand a fair amount of french! They would ALWAYS assume no one in England would understand, hence much hilarity as they loudly decided what not to pay for and which pocket it was going into, and I corrected them even more loudly within earshot of their adult guardians. Oh how the eyes would widen!

Finally a story about Belgians some on here may already have heard:

I used to work abroad and live in Belgium, Brussels, where french is the language and the snobby 'we all know how you Eeeenglish are, and you don't have anything to teach us' attitude has made it through with the language.
We would work as teams doing stocktaking in shops all over Europe, and 6 months or so into this job we got the first posting in England (London, Woolworths).

I tried to forewarn all the smokers and drinkers (which was basically all of them!) to stock up on the cheap fags and booze available as we waited to set off on the ferry for the weeks stay. They were all completely derisive of me as they knew we English were sadly obsessed with such things, you had only to see them at Calais with their shopping trolleys piled high with cigarettes and cheap beer, I should not worry, they had far more restraint and cultural breeding than us stupid English, they have no need to be so uncouth!

On the first night there, we had earlier already had much horror all round over trying to find somewhere cutured and nice to eat that didn't charge you your mortgage for the privelige. We had just finished a LONG shift and were back in the bar of the flea-pit pub/hotel we were staying in (the same money would have got us a 4 star hotel with full service in central Europe!).
One of the smokers had just smoked his last ciggy and immediately went over to the machine on the wall. I watched with quiet but smug amusement as falteringly he put more and more coins into the machine until it finally relinquished it's under-stocked over-priced packet of stubby dry cancer sticks. I have never heard or seen such infectious horror and indignant 'This cannot BE!!!' type rants, the whole table in slow uproar as the true horror of their predicament sank in!! You should have seen his face when he lit it!

Then, having first sat for about 10 minutes waiting to be served and unable to stoop to asking me how I managed to get mine, the first of them went and purchased a beer. Basically the same reaction all over again!

Finally, just as they had all managed to find something they individually liked (spirits mainly), the bar closed...

They were mentally all back on that ferry by the end of that first night!!
( ..wil, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:05, Reply)

On the Inka trail...
We went to Peru earlier this year and did the Inka trail. Getting towards the end of day 3 of the trail you can go 2 ways, direct to the campsite or through some Inka terraces - it takes about 10 minutes extra. We were behind an American chap who gets to the split in the path and when asked which way he wants to haul his fat arse says, "Well, when you've seen one ruin you've seen them all". Speechless.
(FiatPanda, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:58, Reply)

American Tourists are daft because
A couple of american friends were talking about Pontefract Castle when one of them enquired why they built it away from the main road.

Boomshanka, first post, no length or girth...sob
(bonester tex_piss, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:56, Reply)

I've heard tourists
asking if there's actually Kiwi (a small flightless bird that is rather rare and rather protected) in McDonalds (New Zealand) KiwiBurgers... daft shits.
(brazzin, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:50, Reply)

Most of Soho in London is quite dull
It's just offices and shops. When I worked there I was quite often approached by Tourists asking how to get to 'Soho'. Once I explained that Soho is quite big, and they are already in it, I took grat pleasure in inquiring very innocently what they were specifically looking for in Soho, so I could direct them there. This was their cue to consult their phrasebook in a rather embarassing search for a polite way of saying 'porn shop', 'prossie' or 'gay bar'.

The prize for stupid things a tourist has said to me goes to the man who blushed and said 'oh, I just want to see some historic buildings', which sounds perfectly reasonable, unless you know that Soho has practically no historical buildings, and you imagine it being said by someone dressed exactly like the leather outfit wearing one from the village people (right down to the handlebar moustache), and in exactly the same voice as Jack from Will and Grace.
( Andy_R At the third stroke, the time will be precisely, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:47, Reply)

In all fairness...
It's understandable that foreigners might have difficulty pronouncing certain place names because they do have funny spellings.

However, it is bloody funny. Sluff.

Arf!
(Mr Slippyfist, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:45, Reply)

My Pop
worked for customs & excise in the days when they wore blue suits and hats with scrambled eggs on and stood looking forboding at the borders to our great sceptred isle and crims caved in and gave themselves up at the mere sight of the excisemen. He was making his way down the steps of a hotel, in uniform, when along comes a USAnian.

"Commissionaire... take my bags"

"I'm not a commissionaire, I work on Her Majesty's service"

"Jeez Mabel, come here! This guy knows the Queen!"
( Oscar Wildebeest, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:41, Reply)

oh, in Australia, the obligatory
"where are all the kangaroos?"

This statement knows no boundary of nationality and is usually asked outside international airports that are located in very large cities.
(peewee13, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:36, Reply)

'Merkins...tsk!
Whilst working in a tiny little pub in London, the sort that gets lots of 'Merkin visitors going "golly how quaint", there was a couple who were a good laugh actually and spent a good few hours at the bar getting slowly more inebriated.
The waiter from the restaurant over the road then popped his head in and said,

"Can I have some change for the fag machine?"

The American lady heard this and said:

"What?! They have their own machine?"

and much hilarity ensued.
(flap flap flap, that's a bat, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:33, Reply)

In York
When I was in my nearly home town of York, I overheard two American tourists exclaim "What a big church!" whilst pointing at the minster.
(MSB Load universe into cannon. Aim at brain. Fire., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:32, Reply)

2 Aussie women in Liverpool, talking to my missus, who lives in Australia and her sister
When asked by one of the aussies if she had a spare umbrella, my sister-in-law replied "I'll have a root around in the cupboard, do you want to give me a hand?".
With a look of shock and disgust the aussie said "Fuck off, I'm no dyke!".

note: root, in Australia means to have intercourse.
(peewee13, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:29, Reply)

True
A friend of mine works as a custodian at Dover Castle. The shop there sells huuuuuge replica swords. She once witnessed an obese seppo (seppo-septic-septic tank-Yank) and his weeble-like son looking at a sword which was labelled 'Excalibur.'
'Dad, is that like the REAL Excalibur?'
'Of course not, Hank. This is a copy. They probably keep the real one on a vault or somethin'
(The Moai, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:27, Reply)

Coming back from the Greenday Gig.
A friend and I were walking back to his house which was a few estates away from the National bowl and we, inbetween hunting for bacon sandwiches, pointed a few lost concert goers back in the right direction for their meeting point. Most people wer very grateful of our help, apart from the obligatory American couple.

My mate asked them where they were heading to (The train station) and he pointed out that he knew the area as he was a local and very clearly (for his slightly drunken state) gave them good directions.

Their response? "We don't believe you..."

WTF?

My response? "Fine stay lost then."

We then had to persuade them again that we actually lived here for them to accept our directions. Morons. :)
(Mr Joe Bangles, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:26, Reply)

You shouldn't vote for them
Peter Mandelson MP visiting his constituency of Hartlepool, went into his local chip shop and whilst giving his order pointed to the mushy peas and said...

"Is your guacamole organic"
(Yellow Car is now red, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:21, Reply)

Everything's bigger over there..
One American lady to another as they gaze in utter puzzlement at Bath Abbey: 'Jeez, what's all the fuss about? We got bigger churches than this in Texas!'
(mookroolz, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:20, Reply)

I got stuck behind an English woman in a patisserie in the north of France
with her three kids trying loudly and slowly to describe a chocolate eclair to the assistant cos she didn't know the French name for them.

I appologised when she left.
(Papagato RackSpanner, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:15, Reply)