Not tourists, but locals
As any Scot who's been to the US of A knows, virtually every American seems to claim Scottish ancestry. Well, my parents were in deepest middle-of-nowhere-America once (Nebraska I think) having a meal when the waiter picked up on the unusual accents. He asked where they were from and when my dad replied "Scotland", he looked blank and said something like "Oh yeah, that's good". Hadn't even heard of the place! Almost refreshing in a strange way.

As someone pointed out earlier, ignorance when in a foreign country is excusable - you can learn as you go along. I think Americans should be encouraged to travel outwith their borders as much as possible. I was working over there recently and an American colleague, who had travelled to Europe a few times, hit the nail on the head. He said that it's only when he travelled outside the US that he realised why the world hates America so much. If any of the outcome of 9/11 can be called positive, it has at least raised the awareness of Americans to life on the rest of the planet.

On my last trip there a couple of weeks back (as it happens, to the Indianapolis Grand Prix that wasn't, but that's another story!) I was watching the Weather Channel, it being the most interesting one I could find, and the international forecast came on. It was for the Bahamas!

Great country America. I go there quite often, I have a lot of American friends, but a large chunk of the population needs to see the outside world a bit more.

I seem to have drifted off topic and into a rant. Sorry.

But I'm proud of my length.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:41, Reply)

spanish cards
... are actually different (but aren't in spanish!)
( wierdo was bored @, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:38, Reply)

Clifford's tower, York
"Oh hey, little girl, are you English?"
"Yes..."
"Speak English for me!"

Bloody yanks.
( Kittenpants, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:38, Reply)

The jokers on you.
Conversation overheard between two English "Roses", probably on a Hen weekend, in a shop in Barcelona:

"Shall we buy a deck of cards for later?"

"Don't be stupid, they'll be in Spanish!"

Hmmm.
(Smell eep!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:30, Reply)

In Vevey, in the French-speaking part of Switzerland...
I once overheard an American tourist yelling "My, how cute! Even the children here speak French!"

Ouch.
(Monsieur Allotrope is taking Tiger Mountain from behind, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:28, Reply)

Remembered another.
Was in California with a load of the yanks and french blokes i worked with. One american brings out his girlfriend, who starts talking to my french mate. She tells him she fucking hates france, cos when she went there when she was twelve 'They made no attempt to speak english'.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:25, Reply)

In San Fransisco
outside a nightclub having a smoke, talking to my mate. This American girl comes over and says 'You have the sexiest accent ive ever heard'.
Im from Newport. Nuff said.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:22, Reply)

Our colonial bretheren
Standing in a queue for a Spike Milligan Book Signing in Manchester (obviously before he was dead) I overheard the following:

Large Cockney Tourist: Who are all these people waiting for?
Large Cockney Tourist's Husband: Spike Milligan
LCT: Who's he?
LCTH: He used to be a Comedian.

The Great Milligoon heard this exchange and threatened to kill them both.....
(penrose your dog's got tits, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:15, Reply)

Pronunciation
Stupid English speakers always stress the second syllable in helSINki, when everybody in the world should know that in Finnish the stress is on the first syllable. More like HELsinki.

Actually I meant something horribly funny about someone not being able to pronunce Loughborough, Leicester or Gloucestershire.

All Loughboroughites should go to Poland and try to get directions there.
(janik, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:10, Reply)

Stupid Locals
A few years ago I was working in a little town called Hinckley - a God-forsaken place full of in-breds. Me and one of the guys I was working with were involved in a project to take CAD drawings and convert them to PDF files to put on an Intranet.

Anyway, we were in a pub after work discussing work when I noticed that the bar had gone silent and there was a distinct air of menace in the place. I was quite puzzled but all of mutant-senses were tingling. It was definitely going to kick off. I went to the bar for another round and the barman served me grudgingly and then asked "What are you doing round here? You social workers? 'Cos if you are, let me tell you that we don't want any of those kiddie-fiddlers moved around here!"

WTF? And then the penny dropped. They'd overheard us talking about moving PDF Files to the new site and thought PDF Files (say it quickly)=paedophiles!

In-bred muppets.

I remain,as usual
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:05, Reply)

Hope this isn't spamming or anything
I knew a Korean girl who was studying university in Waterloo or some place in Canada. In a convenience store, she saw something called "dog jerky," which she thought about buying and eating as a snack. I had to explain to her that dog jerky was made for dogs, not of dogs.

And she told me of a Japanese friend who was going to Canada in the middle of summer for skiing.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 8:52, Reply)

TDub,
TDub,

"Our ambassador to one of the few countries that doesn't hate us on sight isn't quite sure where Canada is."

Are you sure you're thinking of the same Canada? We may not hate you, but I guarantee that Canadians have the world's strongest "dislike" for America.

PS) That ambassador still sounds smarter than the last guy.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 8:50, Reply)

Not me, but...
Guaranteed Canadians will have the best stories. It's our official national sport.

A buddy of mine worked in a comic book shop in West Edmonton Mall, in Canada. If you don't know, Edmonton is about three hours north of Calgary, which is maybe another three hours north of the border with Montana.

So these two guys walked in one day, obviously high. "Golly," one says. "I never knew Montana was so big. How long do we have to drive north before we reach Canada?"

My friend replied, "Oh, another three hours or so," which would put them well out of reach of civilisation (unless you count oil rig workers).

Anyway, they paid for their purchase with American money and my friend pocketed the profits.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 8:41, Reply)

5lab...
Yeah... too soon, babe. :s
(Deathway, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 8:39, Reply)

yesterday
i got asked by some arab chap where the number 30 bus was.. said he had an important package to deliver..


/too soon?
(5lab, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 8:30, Reply)

Dear God...
How many fucking mispronunciations of Loughborough can the human race possibly commit?

Myself, I really have nothing to add to the list, except my inexplicable tendency to mistake the Hancock Building for the Sears Tower whenever I visit Chicago - a mistake I really should not be making, due to the BLATANT discrepancy in height.
(Dr.Whogivesaratsarse, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 8:29, Reply)

Supercilious Porter vs. Yank Tourist
An American tourist once asked a porter at Trinity College, Cambridge whether the college was "pre-war" or not. He replied (in a John Gielgud accent), "Madam, this college is pre-America".
(HongKongFluey, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 8:01, Reply)

Ahh
Working at Farnborough air show one year as a tea monkey. A mad american lady who I had recently given a cup of tea too, came back saying "can I have a refil on my hot water for these tea bags, they sure are quaint!" I couldn't bring myself to teaching her the british tea ceromonies of one bag one cup, so filled her cup. She was dead chuffed!
(maddave, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 8:00, Reply)

er...
Its not that funny but i'll say it anyway.....On a visit to America some years back...my parents proceeded to ask a guy in the shop which fags he recommended.....

...it took a while to explain to them what fags are in America...hence his total look of bewilderment...
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 7:48, Reply)

British Backpackers?
If anyone ever wants to see the mecca for stupid tourists, go to Bondi Beach in Sydney (AUS). British people tend to go a bit silly when they experience their first day of sunshine, and tend to drink quite excessively when there is no one around to disapprove. They then tend to either drown or get rescued at 3am after deciding that a drunken swim at the beach would be a good idea.

Of course, nothing beats the young lad (I guess what you'd call a chav) that told my boss he was going to cross the Nullarbor plain on foot (google if you don't know where it is). We never heard from him again.
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 7:48, Reply)

Not me but my mate...
was in discussion with two McMericans in Ireland who said they'd seen a dog with 8 legs and 2 heads. My mate deduced it was actually two dogs shagging and were 'tied' He explained this delicately to the old McMericans but it turns out they'd photographed the 'beast' and already sent the pics to their grandkids. he he
(toadrunner, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 7:19, Reply)

I love
to clutch my spanish, swedish, italian etc. phrasebook and tell little old ladies in shops that "I need a hairnet for I am lactose intolerant". Does that make me a stupid tourist?
(PsiPhi, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 7:04, Reply)

I once heard an English woman ask...
...my mum "and do you have good schools in Australia, even for the natives - or do they just play in the bush?"
(marmiteycat, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 7:03, Reply)

Wales
Having laughed politely at people for asking where Le-Lang-Gol-le-len (llangollen) was, I got told off for assuming that Americans should be able to speak "walesish"

There was no need for that... As if my ribs weren't hurting enough already!!
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 6:56, Reply)

One From Norway: Rough Translation
As mentioned Below (Credit to MikeYYY), American tourists Demanded to get the money back that they had paid to see the "midnight sun", when they discovered it was the same sun they had in the USA.
As a link was provided, I've attempted a rough translation for you guys to have a laugh at.(nearly the same as Swedish, so should be easy... LOL)

– Vi reiste ikke til Norge for å se vår egen sol.
We didn't travel to Norway to see our own SUN

-Guiden forsøkte å forklare hva midnattsola er, men turistene står på sitt.
The Guide tried to explain WHAT the midnight sun was, but the tourists wouldn't change thier minds.

-Vi er blitt svindlet, raste de, og krevde pengene tilbake.
We were Swindled, Laughed at, and want our money Back

-Nå spørs det om noen forteller dem at vi også har samme måne.
They were also told that they have the same Moon.

HAHA. Marvellous.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 6:50, Reply)

LOOGABAROOGA
A friend was stopped by a passing American and asked the way to Loogabarooga. Turns out the fool couldn't pronounce Loughborough.
(gibletwarrior, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 6:45, Reply)

Near where i live
is Ironbridge which is a world heritage site due to the industrial revolution starting about a mile down the road. Anywho, this little village by the river Severn attracts tourists of all shapes and sizes but to us, it’s a nice place to go drinking and we often ride through it on the horses.

There I am, taking a breather with a tonne’s worth of shire horse with the brasses, looking a million quid. I however am dressed in a manky tee-shirt, shorts, riding helmet and trainers. A stereotypical yank tourist (fat, ugly, shorts, terrible shirt, expensive camera and an even fatter wife) asks me why I wasn’t in Victorian costume. After several minutes of complete confusion I managed to convince him that it wasn’t the late 1800’s, but he was outraged that he had travelled here, seen the sites and paid for a museum pass and I had not made the effort to wear a costume or play the part of a tat man.

Cunt
( nnnndave, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 6:33, Reply)

Skywatchers
They didn't say a single thing: it's what they did....

Quite by chance, I found myself in the back of a sedan, being driven along the U.S.-Mexican border by a group of brilliant, young, but off-duty French astronomers (posted on summer nights at a nearby observatory). They were particularly charmed by the 1st-world/3rd-world dichotomy of the Arizona borderland - on the Mexican side, Highway 2, an incredibly-busy modern highway, linking Baja California to the rest of Mexico - on the U.S. side, a washboard dirt road, in a dessicated wilderness "park", where illegal aliens die by the score every summer.

Anyway, despite the blazing July afternoon heat, two of the astronomers (male and female) were getting very, very close in the front seat. I thought nothing of it - they were young and they were French, after all. What I didn't realize was they were also sharing driving responsibilities: one steered, the other worked the pedals.

Descending a hill, they lost control. With the uncoordinated oversteering and underbraking, the car fishtailed and almost flipped. Quite impressive work, from the highest echelon of French science.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 6:22, Reply)

not to be a pest, or anything,
but hasn't this been a qotw before?

if not, i back slowly out of the room awkwardly in apology. in fact, i'll do that anyway..
*does that*
(harmless kitty, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 6:11, Reply)

Not me
But a mate of mine who was on tour managing a rap act from New York. Most of the time they were on tour the band sat at the back of the bus getting blunted, generally bored with touring in Europe. Until they get to Austria at which point all of the members start avidly looking out of the bus windows. Naturally my mate is curious as this is the first thing they have shown any interest in at all since the start of the tour. So he asks one of the guys, why they suddenly started looking out of the windows since they have crossed the border into Austria? Apparently none of them had ever seen a kangaroo before.
(dogboy, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 5:53, Reply)