brother
about 9 months ago i got a call from my brother wanting a favor. after 16 years of living in the northeast he decided he wanted to come home so wouid i come and fetch him no problem i said. then 4 months later his lass came down with 2 of his kids well my parents house isnt a big one so i let them stop in my house while i moved back to the parents that was a big mistake since then my house has slowly been wrecked his kids dont respect anyones property the place is now a shithole and all he dose is complane about is the nominal rent i charge him. it dosent even cover half the morgage i pay. blood is thicker than water but i must be thicker than the lot
(hello mr wolf, Tue 29 May 2007, 20:51, Reply)

Kinky?
I paid a woman for some kinky fun involving low-watt electrodes and my nads are now black, continually weeping and shedding skin. I'm too embarassed to go a doctor.

Click "I like this" if you think I'm David Cameron
(Alexxx It wasn't me, Tue 29 May 2007, 20:35, Reply)

Living in Norwich.....
...this is all the thanks i got
(radio_shak has questions, got answers, on, Tue 29 May 2007, 20:10, Reply)

Laxley.....
.....Did you ever think that perhaps the old guy wouldn't have fallen over if you're company hadn't forced the poor git to get up to answer the phone in the first place?

And this is on topic cause i doubt you'll thank me, and indeed possibly abuse me, for helping you see the light regarding their apparent ingratitude. ;-)
(wesimmo, Tue 29 May 2007, 18:49, Reply)

I have a great one for this QOTW
but I don't feel I can post it just yet. Gaz me if you want to hear it, and I'll send it that way. It's on a par with Stalker Boy and Limpetgirl (actually, it's probably fair to say this is what would happen if Stalker Boy and Limpetgirl mated).

Anyway, I'll come up with another one, quick.

I think I have to go back to the dark days of school for this: my history teacher, who I have mentioned in previous QOTWs was the subject of a stupid number of moony diary entries during my teenage years that still make me cringe now, had a classroom filled with plants of various sizes and shapes and degrees of get-in-your-face-while-you're-trying-to-do-your-courseworkness.

One day I finished a little early and was entrusted with the task of going to get some water for these plants. I squeed inwardly at the thought of helping (we shall call him Mr T, for that was his name) out. So I go to get some water for his babies in their special watering can, which means going to the nearest tap on the other side of the site. I come back, and, having dipped a finger in the pot, he tells me it's too cold for them. "Uh, isn't rainwater cold, sir?"

Oh, never mind. I'd like to say I gave up on him there, but sadly it was not to be.

EDIT: Whoa, I've never had so many Gazzes!
( Maladicta, Tue 29 May 2007, 18:47, Reply)

Fourth in a three horse race
Company structure
-Aunt of a boss, seldom in, his company though..
-My 'nominal' boss, purely on virtue of years with company, we're the same age
-Me (tendancy to rest on laurels so here dossing, no targets, unaccountable, free car, phone, internet etc for 7 years)

Trip with Aunt boss to Slovakia - I suck satan's corporate scholong like it's dripping honey, pull out all possible management cock-speak stops and get this company on board, persuade them to only work with us, been chasing them for 4 years. Had them eating out of my hand.

Later, over drinks:
Aunty boss: hmm we do need to employ someone to be Nominal boss' deputy, don't we?

Apparently when I asked why it wasn't me it was my 'tact and diplomacy' that let me down. (that'll be the diplomacy of asking why it wasn't me presumably)

GRRRRRR. Not long now....He'll be reborn a slug.
(Countryslicker, Tue 29 May 2007, 16:32, Reply)

very poor indeed
After spending the evening drinking expensive booze with Mark Thatcher in a swanky London club I found myself embroiled in a plot to overthrow the government of a small African country. After handing over a cheque for a sizeable part of my inheritance, I was promised rich rewards and as many heavily armoured military vehicles as I could ever wish for.
Three months later with the coup in tatters and Thatcher on the lam, I was sent the vehicle log book for a tatty APC by one of the remaining un-jailed conspirators.
Is that all the tanks I get?
(bollox, not again, Tue 29 May 2007, 16:17, Reply)

Tomato* thief
I used to grow a reasonable number of tomatoes, to the point where I had large numbers of them around my house in storage.

Familiarity and contempt being such good bedfellows, I let many people share in my horticultural bounty, and many tomato tasting and sharing nights were undertaken.

Then..I noticed that large numbers of tomatoes were going missing from various storage places around the house - who could it have been? I didn't check regularly at first, so there had been a number of people through our doors.

Imagine calling all your friendships into question. Analysing all your mates behaviour. Did you leave them unattended? Were they 'the type'? Not nice.

We hid our tomatoes more carefully, and still the buggers would go missing. It was getting beyond a joke.

One day, I was driving a little later than usual down a road, and my ex's job share partner (my ex was at work) drove down towards me, and ducked as she saw my car. She would only have been going that way on the way to our house. Our spider senses started tingling.

She had keys as we'd asked her to feed our cats. Turns out she had been systematically burgling our house for a period of months, including such times as when my ex was in labour. To top it all, she was too tight to even pay to take a copy of the keys when another mate needed them to feed our cats, and just gave her duds, so that she couldn't get in and our cats were largely unfed for a week. Nice eh. Some proper aunts out there.

Sarah was one of them.

*species changed to protect the innocent..
(Countryslicker, Tue 29 May 2007, 16:16, Reply)

New York City - Staten Island Ferry Terminal
I was a rookie stockbroker. Working crazy hours and I was heading home. It was about 9pm. I get to the ferry terminal and this homeless guy asks me for $.25. I dont have it to spare and shrug and say "sorry Bro."

I sit down and about 10 minutes later, I snap out of my post-work daze to a woman saying "Oh my Gawd, he is gonna kill that boy!" And I see that a drunk has now taken to pummeling the crap out of the homeless guy that was asking me for money.

I jump up and sprint to the scene and the last 5 or 6 feet, I am airborne. I hit the drunk guy with my right forearm, knocking him free from the homeless guy and onto the hard tile floor. I get myself on top of the guy and have my right elbow poised and pressing on his Adams apple, ready to literally crush his esophagus.

I get pulled off this drunk moron by the rozzers. They escort both of us back into this small office they have for the NYPD stationed there. They are decidedly rough in their handling of my delicate person in transporting me from the scene to the 'room'.

They are aghast that someone intervened on behalf of the homeless guy. They are also aghast that I nearly killed the guy that was beating up on the homeless guy. Fortunately for me, the woman whose scream alerted me to the problem told them the entire story.

The thanks of a city under siege from drunken morons? The appreciation of a homeless guy? The thoughtful gesture of a homeless man offering ME a $.25 piece?

Nope.

The cops gave me a free pass for the Staten Island Ferry saving me $.50 on my daily commute. Two weeks later, the fare for the Ferry is eradicated.

I got nothing.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Tue 29 May 2007, 16:14, Reply)

I once met hollywood actor tom hanks
...and what t.hanks did i get?

none, the cunt just walked off.
(A Hospital Carpark, Tue 29 May 2007, 15:56, Reply)

i once did a breakdancing head-spin in a pile of dogshit just for the entertainment of a policeman...
what thanks did i get!?

none!

fuckin ungreatful cunt!
(A Hospital Carpark, Tue 29 May 2007, 15:52, Reply)

There was this time right...
...when i created the universe and everything in it, including billions of human beings, in just 7 days!!!! - and what thanks do i get? FUCK ALL!

The annoying cunts just keep sending me "prayers", thanking me for the fact THAT MY ONLY FUCKIN SON WAS NAILED TO A PIECE OF FUCKIN WOOD!

WANKERS!

Signed,

Nigel God
(A Hospital Carpark, Tue 29 May 2007, 15:47, Reply)

A few years ago...
I worked in a call centre, one day I the computer called the next "customer" and a rather confused old man answered, I was trying to explain why I was calling, all he kept saying was that he had just come out of hospital, exasperated I said "ok, no worries, I'll call back in a few days", he then said "I've fallen over and I can't get up". Shit I thought, I was genuinely worried so I tried to explain to him that it's not a problem, I have his address on record, I'll call an ambulance and they'll come around and check you're ok. So, being a very nice guy and making sure he was ok.

I phone the ambulance, get through to the right county, explain to the person that I'm just call centre staff, but I've spoken to a gentleman by the name of Mr So and So and he lives at this address, he's fallen over and can't get up and sounds very confused.

The 999 person said thanks, we'll send someone around, I explained that I think he's alone so they may have to break in or something.

What thanks did I get for helping someone's Dad or Grandad? What thanks did I get for trying to help?

Fuck all! Not a single letter or phonecall of thanks from the family! I told the 999 staff who I was and what company I was calling from (a well known company I hasten to add) and the family did nothing to say thanks. I didn't want rose lined pavements or anything like that, but a letter or a phone call to someone in the company who could pass it onto me would have been great.

Miserable ungrateful bastards!
(Laxly, Tue 29 May 2007, 15:31, Reply)

Summer Fun
I had just graduated from high school over here in the States and was down in Ocean City, Maryland for the celebratory week-long binge drinking that normally follows graduation over here.

We had rented a condo in a medium sized building with about 40 other units. It just so happened that a girl from my school had picked the same place and was just down the hall. She had 5 other females, also mostly from our school, staying in her place, so obviously, the 4 guys I was sharing a place with and I were frequent visitors.

One evening, just before dinner, I walked in and saw one of the girls holding ice to her eye. After inquiries, I discovered that her boyfriend had punched her right in the face.

My best friend and I saw it as our duty to correct this behavior and tossed him off a second story balcony. Unfortunately, he was not seriously injured, the bushes cushioning his fall.

What thanks did we get? As we walked back into the condo we were attacked by the girl with the black eye. She punched at us, clawed at us and spit on my buddy Carl.

Some women never learn. So we both punched her in the other eye. (just kidding)

We legged it before the police arrived.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Tue 29 May 2007, 15:24, Reply)

I travel by Tube
Every day, selfish Yuppie arseholes get on the Tube and sit there, legs splayed, braying into mobile phones.

Do any of them ever say 'Thank you for not ramming my mobile phone up my sagging bourgeois ringpiece, followed by beating me into unconsciousness with a studded baseball bat'? Do they f*ck. They just get back on the Tube the next day and do it all over again.

(Update: Tuesday evening, 6.45 pm, Brent Cross northbound, second carriage from the back. You were wearing a beige leather jacket, sitting across 3 seats and bawling into your mobile. You know who you are. And you should be more grateful than most - because it was a Nokia N93.)
(><(((">, Tue 29 May 2007, 14:31, Reply)

volunteering - no thanks!
Like everyone these days, I am concerned about the environment and leaving carbon footprints on clean carpets etc. So I recently volunteered to help plant trees to offset the effect of the mountain of tyres and fridges I set fire to on some wasteland near my home.

Anyway, on the first day I was presented with a load of saplings and a spade. My overseer, an attractive girl called Fiona, showed me how to dig the hole and settle the new sapling in it. Unfortunately, some pesky little animal - a bit like a squirrel - kept running around my feet as worked, so I waited for it become accustomed to my presence, and then smashed its brains in with my spade.

"What are you doing!" shrieked Fiona. "That is a northern marmoset squirrel - an extremely rare and endangered species! You've killed the only breeding male for 50 square miles!"

After that, they moved me to a safer area of the forest. I was digging a hole for a sapling, but there were numerous roots and I couldn't get through them. So I picked up an axe and swung at the bloody things with all my might ... just at the second a badger emerged from the hole. The axehead cleaved its furry head in twain and its hot brains gushed across Fiona's dungarees.

"Frankspencer! You've just killed a protected species!" she yelled with apoplectic ire. I stepped back and dropped the offending weapon ... right on to the head of an escaped panda that had been lurking in bushes behind me. The razor sharp head shattered its black and white forehead and it squealed in agony as blood erupted from its face.

"Frank! You've just killed the only panda bred in captivity in Britain!"

For fuck's sake Fiona, I'm trying my best!" I said, hurling my cigarette into a pile of tinder-dry sawdust soaked in petrol. It exploded and burned the forest down in a matter of hours, causing a previously undicovered tribe to be wiped out completely, taking their native art and language with them.

As a result, I was sentenced to two years in prison. Some gratitude, eh?
(frankspencer, Tue 29 May 2007, 12:59, Reply)

them's the breaks
here's a totally unfunny story but use it as a lesson.
I was walking home from a club one night with a couple of mates and we see a girl being attacked by some p*ssed up meat-head, now being the type who's been brought up not to hit women no matter what I ran over dragged him off and gave him a bit of his own medicene. Just then I hear "oi smiler look out!" and turn round in time to see the former victim swing her high heel shoe at my head screaming "leave my f**kin husband alone you c*nt" Yes the dopey cow was now coming to the rescue of the bloke who'd been beating her senseless, I mean you could see the blood dripping from her nose for cliff sake!
thanks received = 0
hair line skull fracture = 1
lesson learned if she's getting a pasting then leave it she probably deserves it.
pop, not very long but it's my first time.....
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Tue 29 May 2007, 12:36, Reply)

I'm not sure that this counts,
but I needed to do a poo until I went and did a poo.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 29 May 2007, 12:02, Reply)

Local Terrorism?
I got to the end of one of my amazingly interesting journeys to the ar*e end of Kent, when the guard on the train runs full pelt up the platform to tell me there is a metal case on a luggage rack with wires hanging out of it.

"Bugger!" I think, looking at the date on my watch:

Friday 8th July 2005

The station is closed and all hell breaks loose, exclusion zones, sniffer dogs, annoyed passengers and 6ft+ policemen with rather automatic looking weapons...

Anyhew, turns out a local photographer had left his equipment on the train, £2k+ worth of camera, flash, laptop.etc and a memory card with someone's wedding photos on it. Once the boys in blue had 'made it safe' (i.e. kicked it a couple of times to see if it ticked) I was handed the case and went off to fill in the paperwork, by which time a rather sheepish photographer had turned up, having got all the way home from the station before realising.

I handed the case over and happily pointed to the rather senior police-bod who wanted a chat with this fellow. The guys only words to me were "Who's been messing with my laptop?" Not "sorry" or "Bloody Hell, have a £10 for your trouble" - no - "Who's been messing with my laptop?"

And I got more paperwork the next day to write up the delay to the service. That's the thanks I got - and one of the many reasons railway staff are always in a bad mood.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Tue 29 May 2007, 9:08, Reply)

one time
I did this thing, for this guy I know? And he was all like, woah, I'm so gonna do something to thank you. And I was like, fuck...and then I went, hey, publish my novel? But then he said I was inarticulate?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 29 May 2007, 8:53, Reply)

I'm not sure if this actually counts
but I really really need a poo.

Thanks.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 29 May 2007, 8:41, Reply)

I poured my sweat and blood
Into masterfully telling a story of my youth last week with you people and apparantly almost no one clicked 'I like this'. Some thankyou.
(StumpsForArms&NoEyebrows, Tue 29 May 2007, 3:02, Reply)

My brother came
to me one day in a state of exteme miffedness. He had had plans to go out that night but they had been ruined, ruined by Lady,a friend of ours.

He was rather agitated, so I sat him down, made him a cup of tea, provided biscuits and a sympathetic ear.

He tells me there's no point him and his mates going to watch the movie that night. I ask which one. He tells me. I planned to watch it myself that weekend.

Tea has effect. He calms down.

What was wrong, asks I.

Well, he explains, he'd seen Lady that afternoon, and she'd seen it already. She said it was good, but

"what's the point of going to watch the Sixth Sense now that I know that Bruce Willis is dead?"

"I didn't know that. Fucker."

And the moral of this story is that biscuits don't get you shit.
(cs1ca, Tue 29 May 2007, 2:54, Reply)

Weegie Scumbags
Working in Hamilton one day with a colleague, left the site (directly opposite the court-house as it happens) to get a cuppa - as we're strolling out we spot a toddler bimbling out into the road from in front of a parked van, with an Audi A4 barrelling down the road some scant meters away.

Natural reaction, shouting and bawling "holy SHIT someone grab that kid" etc, run down to try and intervene / assist, whatever. Driver reacts in time, screeching to a halt, whitefaced. Thank you, ABS.

We bolt over, adrenaline a-gogo - "everything OK?"

'Aye mind your ain business and get tae fuck ah can look after mah ain kids yah cheeky cunts'

Yeah. Clearly.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Mon 28 May 2007, 19:50, Reply)

I'll tell you what thanks I got... SOD ALL!
I was walking home with a group of people on the way home from school one time when this happened. The group was full of popular types that now work at kfc, and I tried to hang on as someone who laughed at the gangs shit jokes. I however, saw that the doppy chav girls were walking across the main road and leaped forward and pulled the most attractive girl at school away, just avoiding an oncoming car. Cheers? Sex? a kiss? NO. I got a fucking black eye from her boyfriend because I was "just trying to touch her".

Still he died in a car crash last year so perhaps thats the thanks he got.
(Big Poppa Gurf mole stations unite against molestation, Mon 28 May 2007, 19:22, Reply)

American Airlines
I was very nice to the people at American Airlines by paying them a couple of hundred pounds to fly me from London to New York. They repay me by losing my bag and telling me they don't pay compensation as it's "not their policy".

I am now very nice to myself by not flying with them anymore. That'll teach me not to fly Virgin as AA were £10 cheaper.


Length? It was around two foot long, leather effect with a grey handle.
(flowncanary, Mon 28 May 2007, 18:08, Reply)

I watched Heaven's Gate - The Direcotrs Cut
If you've seen this movie you'd know why I'm bitter, screw you Cimino.
(StumpsForArms&NoEyebrows, Mon 28 May 2007, 17:20, Reply)

GCSE ICTCoursework
So instead of doing my own coursework..

I decided to help a friend..

I did all of tasks 1-3 for him [that's every single task btw]whilst he pretended to be a retard and played on Halo.

In the end the last laugh's on him, he lost his [or my] coursework and is prolly gonna fail.

fcuk you aaron!
(baybled, Mon 28 May 2007, 13:20, Reply)

I should have put the phone down...
I am sorry to all those saddled with mad bosses, and rubbish jobs. Mine is great. I'm on the radio. No I really am and everything!

This is the point where I start to talk about the horrible things you have to do when everyone thinks that you're their bezzie mate.

The worst of which came during the over night show I used to do. Midnight to 6am, a full 6 hours broadcasting to the drunk, the security guards and the terminally depressed. Yup, it was one of the latter that called.

Her name wasn't Julie but it'll do. Julie said to me, in her best cracked voice "I just called up to say goodbye, I've got a knife and I'm going to kill my self" Well that wasn't a good conversation to have when you think that the call is going to be "have you got any Tina Turner?" I have to say this didn't happen on air, I answered my own phones at that horrid little station... sooooo anywho, There I was young fella tying to talk to a crying snotty suicidal stranger on the phone, and every 10 mins or so I had to break off the phone to say "You're listening to... that was... this is... the time is coming up to..." Then I'd get back to trying to stop this woman killing herself. Eventually she went away, placated and I had her address to send her a mug to cheer her up (I still don't know why I did that but it is important).

Quarter of an hour later she called back, telling me that I was lying to her and she'd decided that life wasn't worth living. At this point thought that I had to do something, so I lent onto the "talkback" button (intercom) to where the security guard was watching Judge Judy. He came into the studio 'cus he couldn't work out why I was saying such random things like "Have you still got the knife" to him.

I passed him a note that said "Send the police round to (address - you see I told you it was important) she's threatening suicide." and he scampered off.

Eventually she calmed enough to agree to go to bed and try to sleep, and make it through to the morning. I put the phone down, finished the show and went home to bed.

At 2pm (just when I was getting up) I got a call from my boss, who'd had a call from a woman who was livid "pink with anger" he said, she's never been so embarrassed in her life and it was irresponsible of me to send the police to her house. How dare we do something like that, and she was never going to listen to the station again.

You try to do the right thing, and yes she did sound convincing, but that is, dear reader, all the thanks I got.

Length?... insert weak joke here.
(rockers74 killed a man in Reno just to watch him die., Mon 28 May 2007, 11:02, Reply)

tibetan pulsing
My friends wife and mother of his two teenege children was sufferng from depression and started trying new age remedies, yoga , meditation, hugging trees etc. A dreadlocked hippy showed up one day who charged my mate 100 quid to do Tibetan Pulsing on his missus, he paid the hippy welcomed him into his home and left them alone to do the treatment which consisted of the said hippy sticking his fingers up the said missus's cunt and " pulsing" whatever the fuck that was. Anyway after a few weeks of my friend paying for this hippy to stick his fingers up his wifes muff, the wife ran off to Tibet with the hippy and left my mate to bring up two teenage kids. Moral of the the story, never let a hippy stick his fingers up your wifes cunt, even if if does put a smile on her face.
(amy crackpipe firing up Camden, Mon 28 May 2007, 3:02, Reply)