£0.00
Not a penny. Ever.
(The Queen, Tue 27 Jun 2006, 11:02, Reply)

About ten years ago…
I worked for a high street bank as a cashier. At 10 minutes to 5 on my last day in the job, some guy paid in £50,000 in fifties. Apparently he had just sold his computer business and had carried the proceeds in a briefcase on the tube, not the wisest thing to do in North West London!

Anyway, after having to verify each note twice I was nearly an hour late for my own leaving do due to chucking the big bundles of lovely cash round the back office of the bank, yay! I know it wasn't my money but it was still fun!

I often wished people would tip us cashiers like they do bar staff by saying ‘Can I pay in this pile of twenties, oh and have one for yourself’!.........
(Smifta, Tue 27 Jun 2006, 10:43, Reply)

Grrrrrr money
Naughty naughty boy, drug deals many years ago involving lots and lots of money, folded, wrapped, hidden, confiscated, robbed.
Naughty naughty money. Not just small money, bad big money, big bad men, big bad place with big bad walls and razorwire.

Too much stress too much naughtiness.

Don't do it kids.
(booionic, Tue 27 Jun 2006, 9:05, Reply)

One time..
I had all my money for a task i was doing for my dads company. It came to around £3000. Not that much but enough. To keep it "safe" I split it into portions and put it in various pockets on my coat and in places on my lovely new red moped. On arriving home i put it all in the safe as instructed , or so i thought.

The next evening i got mugged going to the chip shop , two guys were alot bigger and demanded all my cash , well thats ok cos all i had on me was my house key and £3 pound for chips and a sausage and perhapes a can of coke.

I handed the money over thinking fuck it its 3 quid and ill remember what they look like and report it later. It was one of these boys deciding i was lying that really did it. He searched my pockets and found £100 pounds , not only did they take this but i got a hiding for lying.

I explained all this to my dad , cue second hiding for "stealing" money from him !

(this was actually a story for last weeks question but got there too late , would be pearoast!)
( Damion International - now taking orders., Tue 27 Jun 2006, 8:39, Reply)

the largest wad of money
shot that I ever had on my face, hair, chest and mustache was in 'Hungry For Straight Boys 7', when...

oh sorry, mis-read the question.


EDIT: Actually, it might have been 'Weapons of Ass Destruction: Mission to Bag Dad'.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 27 Jun 2006, 2:11, Reply)

Like a kid at Christmas
One of my very first jobs consisted of organising a photoshoot for a prestigious American newspaper's annual Christmas magazine. I had a studio full of more than a couple of million dollars' worth of Asprey and Tiffany jewellery, fine wine, and ridiculously trashy designer garb. Hermes, Dolce & Gabbana, Christian Laboutin etc etc. It was Tatlertastic. All was fine until I had to deal with NYC's infamous courier companies, who sent me a courier to pick up about $20k's worth of champagne and some Valentino clobber. On a moped. 'Hey I can probably get the Valentino silk robe in my fanny pack,' he said. I thought not. Haven't been allowed nearer proper class than Primark since.
(whatswiththemonkey, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 23:22, Reply)

Snotty bugger
About ten years ago, when I'd just moved to Newcastle, I got my first wages from my new job. Since I didn't have a credit card or cheque book yet I got the whole wad in cash, about 1100 quid. I'd also discovered partying and needed a new wardrobe - and there were plenty of nice shops to blow it in. First on my list of purchases was a nice suit so I headed off to a snappy looking shop in the centre where the shop-assistant ('cos that what he was really, no matter what he thought) was an extremely well (if conservatively) dressed man, about 45 or so. They had the usual Boss, Armani and whatever so I started browsing.

I should mention that I had just got out of work and had been working on a new machine, so I was in rather dusty jeans and a t-shirt. Didn't bother me - I was there to get something better, right?

No chance! He took one look at me and said, and I'll never forget this, "The items in the back may be of a more suitable tariff, sir."
I had a moment of surprise, followed by one of disgust. How dare he! Luckily these were both eclipsed by the sheer joy of pulling out a fat wad of notes and doing a Pretty Woman. Lovely.

Don't recall having a witty one liner though - too annoyed, I reckon. I'm pretty sure I thought of plenty thirty seconds later but that's usually the way.
(foolish_child, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 22:46, Reply)

Stock Cash
When i was at uni, i worked for my brother in law at a firm carrying stock exchange warrants around town to give to the various companies they were trading with. As part of my job i had to do banking at the reserve bank in Sydney...usual amounts were knocking around anywhere from $200,000 to about $48 million...anyways, there i go into the bank to deposit a couple of mill and i forgot to carry the 2 somewhere and buggered up the amount by $500,000...the teller picked it up (fortunately!) and we corrected the mistake...oh how we laughed!.

Another time i went to withdraw $10,000 from the bank and i had a broken finger and couldnt sign my authorisation....i still managed to get the dosh mind. Made a good story when i consistently showed them my bent finger to prove it.
(Dogzilla, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 22:12, Reply)

Not cash, but a cheque for £27million
I once worked for a property company which very, very occasionally sold a building.

One day the boss called me into his office and gave me an envelope. "Can you take this down to the bank for me?" he said.

So I put it in my pocket, got on the bus and went down to Nat West.

When I got there the cashier opened it and drew in a big breath, then went to get the manager.

It was an ordinary little corporate cheque but made out for £27 million for the purchase of an office building in Bloomsbury.

Ever since then those big charity cheques they hand over in photographs made out for £300 or something like that just look stupid.
(Darth Spin, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 21:15, Reply)

Catch
I used to work in the students union, at Uni, and we used to have a box office and in the evening would bank the money in the night safe. Cue me and mate running down the tunnel between the two buildings to the night safe, playing catch with the bag with all the cheques and notes loving paid for Grad ball tickets.

A good few k in a bag, and we played catch with it.

Hi Will, if you're reading. ;)
(Clarabelle is reverting to type on, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 21:04, Reply)

I work in a leisure centre.
We're quite a busy little centre and make around 10 grand a week, plus yearly gym memberships and the like.
Anyways, the safe where all this lovely money is kept, until the nice securicor people come and take it away, is in the staff office, the equivilent of a staff room for us.
One day i was loafing about in the office when our DM (Duty Manager)comes in, says hello, and unlocks the safe and starts counting the money (they do this quite regularly)being the nice kind bloke that i am i offer to help him out and he gratefully accepts.
All goes well for a bit, we've reached the grand sum of £6200 with some to go, then he receives a message on his walky talkie...
"Alex? you there mate? theres a load of chavs kicking aorund the car park, go get rid of 'em will ya"
Without so much as locking up the safe again Alex walks out and leaves me with all the money and the keys to our safe.
In a moment of childish glee i literally started rolling around the floor going "moneeeey moooooneeeey" only to roll onto my back and stare straight up at Alex, whos come back in beacuse he wanted to lock the safe.
"Having fun?" he asks.
"er... yeah..."

Needless to say he tends not to leave me on my own anymore, especially in the office...

*glees*
( Devil Duck: ( ' )< and his cunning stunts, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 19:39, Reply)

Yeah.. so...
It's not really the same thing, but once when I was 13 my sister stole my money that I was to use to go to Disneyland with friends. She did right in front of me, stuffed it down the front of her pants and then tried to convince me that I was crazy and had just lost it.

My sister's a cunt with a Capital C.
( Scoopzilla http://www.slapwatch.com now get to fuck, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 19:25, Reply)

found
I once found a wallet with no cash, a american express card ( not signed with pin), some travel vouchers and a passport. no no no , I handed it in to the police, 5 weeks later i got a phone call, the owner came to my house after i gave the address to him, yep guess what ??? he gave me a 50 pence reward, wish i would have hammered his card tight get
(dead-man-walking, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 18:48, Reply)

Im so poor...
exactly 73 quid. and yes, im fucking bitter. iv never even had a job that would of let me hold more, therefore i was never paid anymore than aforementioned amount. im gonna cry for a while now
(Formaly Over say's hello, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 18:43, Reply)

Asian Prostitute Tip
The most i have carried in change is over 100 pounds. Not much really, but then again u watch a asian hooker pick up her tip by squatting on a pile of coins and being able to keep whats left.
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 18:22, Reply)

I feel very inadequate having read most of these
Largest amount of cash I've ever carried was £300, having sold a pair of Isle of Wight festival tickets on eBay for my mates.

I've counted out a few thou for my dad back in the day - he used make me and my brothers do so to convince us he was minted, which was a bit silly really as we started to get miffed if he wouldn't shell out on various presents and such for us.
( useful_idiot, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 17:30, Reply)

oh and...
my dad, who was a director for natwest, made me work for him to earn school holiday money.

this was in stockport. where the majority of the chavscum in the town centre are not that nice but really are that dim.

one day i was in the lobby and i was allowed to help the nice man from the cash van fill up the hole in the wall machine. we were messing around doing something to the back of it inside the branch. cue a large woman in a purple shellsuit - ok, i couldn't see her through the wall, but after 6 months working in stockport i could picture her all too clearly - trying to force her card in whilst the machine was clearly out of action.

"hang on a minute love," the annoyed cash man shouted through the wall.

"ooooooooh," the braindead woman yelled, backing away. "it speaks!"

the cash man and i dissolved. then he called,

"yes, i won't be a minute darling. just getting filled up."

"it talks to you!!!" the woman was yelling by this point. to anyone who would listen.

i mean, did she really really think that was a pre-recorded - oh, it makes my head hurt!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 15:25, Reply)

cash
i used to work for a lettings agency and a surprising number of manchester tenants still pay in cash. some rent days, i could be walking to the bank with £40,000 or more in cash. it stops feeling like money when you have to count that much, just becomes annoying bits of coloured paper.

the teller gave me £900 instead of £500 once, when i drew on a cheque made out to cash. i took it straight back and she cried.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 15:19, Reply)

Olympic Gold
Back when I worked for a large mining company in Australia. I supported a gold, zinc and silver mine in Northern Queensland.

This is where the Sydney Olympic Commitee supplied its precious metals for the winning medals.

I was privliged enough to hold 3 medals that were going out to the games. The gold held around 6 grams of 24 kt - I dont know how much that comes to but I felt pretty pimp.

I know its not cash - but I dont care.
(Slatts If you cant remember it didnt happen, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 15:05, Reply)

Midget butt cheeks
The largest amount of cash I have withdrawn was £1000 to buy a second hand computer.

I handed over my passport to the cashier as ID, and out fell a playing card which my flatmate had thoughtfully hidden inside. It was the six of diamonds, and the picture on it was of a grinning naked midget, looking over his shoulder and spreading his butt cheeks. There was also a hand written note saying "I am a ginger nobbler".

The hysterical cashier called at least 4 of his colleagues away from their customers to come and have a look. The computer I bought broke after a month and the vendor couldn't be traced. My flatmate remains unrepentant.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 14:26, Reply)

Cheque to cash
I still get to do the banking at work, 45 minutes away from the crushingly harsh duties of covertly playing C&C:Generals inbetween phone calls and damage control missions caused by the driver/the boss/his wife/her lover ;)

We pay out a lot in cash (totally legit, honest guv') and the cash is drawn from a cheque presented by yours truly every week. I may feel like the paperboy sometimes but this is one of those remedial duties I enjoy. I like walking. And carrying money straight past poor people in public, y'know, for kicks.

Usually have only a few grand to bring back but once I wandered back through the sunny town of Romsey with a shade over £26,000 in 50's and 20's, half in a bag and half split between my coat pockets. I could so easily have caned it to the train station (the office/yard of the company is in the old goods yard of the train station for f**ks sake!) but as an event the aforementioned act could be represented mathematically as:

GARRR!! humourous thing I forget, ah screw it :(
(evilhippy, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 14:15, Reply)

Only around £1,500 cash but
Did once hold over $20,000,000 of kit in my hands, before rendering it totally worthless.

To explain, when computer processors are made they are built on circular ‘wafers’, usually around the size of a large dinner plate and the thickness of a tuppence. They have to be prepared in totally sterile conditions because the circuitry is so small and unprotected that a single grain of dust could cause a short circuit of sorts.

They’re prepared in a clean room where you have to wear an all over noddy suit to get in, think Intel Bunnies. We weren’t allowed in that bit but did get to go into the not so clean section where you have to be covered up. After delicately being handed a wafer of ultra-high end processors I was told that when they were finished they’d be worth millions.

Dickhead that I am I wanted a closer look and the goggles they have given us had steamed up. So I flicked them up to see properly and a drop of sweat and at least one eyelash fluttered down. Cue angry screeching from the handler and being bundled out from the facility.

Began seeing a lifetime of selling my body to strangers to make up the damages stretching out before me but thankfully the engineers weren’t too pissed off. Turns out the wafer was flawed anyway – “We wouldn’t let you clumsy assholes near the good stuff” was his (correct) response.
(paxvobiscum, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 13:35, Reply)

Sheriff's Officer to the High Court
Yes, I used to be a Sheriff. No, I didn't have a badge or gun (unfortunately).

However, on one memorable occasion I had £750k in £50 notes in two large briefcases, and a Banker's Draft for £3.5m.

Oddly, I didn't want to run away and start a new life.

In the line of duty, I also received a Banker's Draft for £20k from a well known religious organisation based in a 'castle' in Southern England, for ice cream. Yes, they had rung up a 20 grand bill on ice cream.

I shudder to think what they did with that much Raspberry Ripple.

Initiation rites, maybe?
(High Rise Drifter, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 12:52, Reply)

Work Experience - and they didn't let me out of the vault
Worked in a bank for work experience some years ago.

The don't let you in the vault on your own these days, but back then I was sat in the vault with £100k in bundles of £10s and £20s with a big fat marker pen and the instruction to draw on each bundle so they would know how much was in the cash machine at a glance.

Much more fun than temping in a bank last year where we merely got to stuff the same amount of money into boxes and bung them in the machine...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 12:17, Reply)

My brother used to work at a share registry
and one time he had to carry over AU$100 million in cheques (mostly made out to cash) from his office to a certain bank. He asked the cabbie to wait for him, and on the way back to his office said "Did you know I had over a hundred million dollars worth of cheques just then?"

The cabbie says "Why didn't you tell me that earlier?"

My brother says "I'm glad I didn't".
( gronkpan @vomitinglarry.bsky.social, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 12:13, Reply)

1million
a random guy asked me to hold his check for 1mil while i was waiting for a bus, i held it for 2seconds.
(Gay Milkman is not actually gay. Straight since:, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 11:24, Reply)

exchanging several hundred pounds worth of travellers cheques in India for rupees
the rupees were stapled together in bricks - we then went for a walk through Mumbai at night through beggar district.

not very funny really.
( Griffin Saver Something, something, 2006, something., Mon 26 Jun 2006, 10:50, Reply)

the most money I have every carried was just over 2K
that I owed my flatmate for rent and bills, the fucker wouldn't accept a checque so I had to walk through the meadows in nottingham with all that cash.

I did put some in my wallet, some in my bag and some in my socks, and that was it.

sorry for the lack of humour but this QotW is a bit humourless
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 8:52, Reply)

3k

quite sad really :(
( Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 8:48, Reply)

$
I had AUD16,000 in cash after selling my car. Scared me shitless.

I have banked a cheque for AUD200 million but unfortunately not into my own account.
(CMYK Excess consumption may have a laxative effect, Mon 26 Jun 2006, 7:48, Reply)