this a bit sad
so what happens when you come up with an outlandish theory that for a while captures the imagination - superfast flying creatures that can pass through solid matter and may even exist in a parallel universe and flit in and out of our own at will - then the whole things is subsequently debunked and fully explained as simple phenomena

well you just wrap more tin foil round

superfast pan dimesional flying creatures

but yet the poor deluded bloke still plods on...

yeah, but no but...
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 1:23, 2 replies)

gnomes
have you seen the doctor who episode Blink? what you may not know is that it was based on gnomes. they have infiltrated our society in the guise of harmless garden ornaments, but what is their secret agenda? they want to mate with human women to produce a race of human-gnome hybrids, before taking over the fishing industry. just ask yourself, how many of the little fuckers have got fishing rods? you know they're eating your koi while you're asleep.
also, ladies beware: next time you're sunbathing in your gardens, keep an eye open for these plaster perverts. as soon as you close your eyes, they begin to inch closer. NEVER sunbathe naked. if you do, you'll soon be giving birth to a red-hatted midget baby.
how many of you have actually bought a gnome? how many of you have had gnomes already in residence when you've bought your house? they're the real reason the previous owner has sold you that house!
if you have a hedgehog in your garden, be sure to treat it well, they are the unsung heroes in the battle against gnomes. the hedgehogs are our friends.

BE WARNED.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 0:28, 14 replies)

Crawleys own conspiracy theorist.
First (rubbish) post. I was in Crawley a while back visiting some mates. One of the local residents appears to have his own conspiracy theories, mainly involving the Police and the mind control implants that they've cruelly placed inside his head.

I've not been able to find out anything more about him, so can only assume that the mind control implants told him to stay off the internet.

img19.imageshack.us/img19/2461/crawleytheorist.jpg
(Dafne, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 0:01, 1 reply)

My friend is convinced that the milk you get in the supermarket doesn't actually come from cows
so far he has offered no suggestion as to where it does come from; either because he isn't sure, or because it's too horrific and we're not ready to hear the truth.

To be fair, I can't completely dismiss him because I've never actually witnessed a cow being milked in real life.

On related topic; I can't fucking wait for them to introduce that chip in the back of your hand that tracks all your information and has all your money stored on it so you can't buy stuff if you don't have one. I'm fed up of walking to the shops to find I left my debit card at home.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 23:36, 6 replies)

Following on from DG's post below.....
www.b3ta.com/questions/tinfoilhelmet/post510013

According to this neighbour of ours (who is otherwise a smashing bloke) there are secret cameras inside games consoles, DVD
players etc, filming our every move...
He also told SJ that we're all going to be micro-chipped against our will, under the presumption that this will be more effective than ID cards. These microchips will allegedly contain information such as NI numbers, driving licence details, bank account numbers and the like. But really these chips will be able to control serotonin levels in our brains, making us more "open to suggestion", thus ultimately influencing our behaviour and the decisions we make.....

FFS!

His wife is also party to all this and has been sucked in left, right and Chelsea. Yet not enough to stop her wanting another child...? Their son has just turned 6 and he's such a sweetheart - yet they are quite determined to "reveal The Truth" to him sooner rather than later. "The Truth About Swine 'Flu" is even affecting her job! Her morals have been seriously challenged as she works within the NHS and has had to attend meetings about the swine 'flu spread and inocculation programme (where we are all forced at gunpoint to have the vaccination). Oh, and like swine 'flu, the AIDS virus was also manufactured to wipe out huge chunks of the human population, thus enabling the future take-over of Earth by shape-shifting lizard/alien/Illuminati hybrids.

It's like living next door to Sculder and Mully - THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE. Ergo, The Truth Is Next Door....

I really shouldn't be divulging all this you know....

*quickly fashions tin foil hat just in case*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 20:33, 2 replies)

Yeah right!
Like I'm going to tell you what I know. I know your game!
(occassional, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 20:26, Reply)

hang on...
One of the most powerful people in the Government today is Peter Mandelson, a man who had to quit as an MP twice because he was caught doing favours for his rich friends and almost had to quit as an MEP under suspicion of the same. He now holds a key position in Government even though he hasn't been re-elected as an MP, and regularly makes policy decisions based on little more than what his rich friends have asked him to do while he was a guest in their villas or on their yachts.

Do we really need stories about sinister elite cabals controlling society? It seems like it's pretty much out in the open nowadays.
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 20:21, 9 replies)

Wes and the Vegas laundrette
Laundry in Vegas is tricky because all the hotels want to charge you $3 to wash a pair of socks and so do all they can to allow laundromats to flourish. Our plan was to visit an outlet mall out of town and on the way drop off our washing. In a hugely seedy neighbourhood after walking around with big neon signs saying 'Lost tourists please rob us' we finally found our laundromat.

The owner was on duty - a big friendly black man called Wes who said he would take care of everything for us for a total of $2.75 and we could come back at six pm to collect. He even took us outside to show us how to get back to the laundrette. Being from Scotland I was instantly suspicious of why he was being so damn nice. I asked for some kind of receipt for the clothes but he didnt have anything but said everything would be ok. I left the shop with my rip-of radar still beeping away loudly. We got a taxi to an outlet mall and all the way there I was kicking myself and running through all the scenarios of how Wes was going to rip us off - steal our clothes, arrange for us to be mugged at 6pm, charge extra when we got back etc etc etc.

Our shopping trip over we had to come up with a plan to ensure our safety when visiting Wes's laundromat now that it was dark. The missus had all her jewellery on, loads of shopping and I was not keen that she came with me to pick up the laundry. I decided to leave her with all her valuables (and mine) at the Stratosphere Casino and walk the half an hour to the laundromat. I set off in the dark, crapping myself but made it to the door, which was locked. 'Oh here we go i thought. But from behind the counter popped Wes and he opened up the shop.
'You're early' he said.
'I always try to be' I replied light-heartedly, hiding my true intention to avoid the mass ranks of muggers he had probably lined up for my return at 6pm.
'You look cold.' said Wes
"I am alright, I'm from Scotland' I said, fulfilling a stereotype.
To my surprise Wes pulled out a little heater plugged it in and said 'Warm yourself up with this while I finish folding your clothes.'

I was humbled. All the time I had him down as a conman but really he was just scraping a living and being a lovely human being. I felt ashamed at the malice I had felt towards him.

'So you're from Scotland?' said Wes as he folded my boxers. 'I visit there often'
'Really?' I sounded surprised because I figured that he wouldnt be able to afford many trans-atlantic trips if he was only charging $2 per wash. ' Where abouts do you visit?'
'Oh all over' he said.
It was with his very next sentence I realised why Wes was being so nice.
'But I tend to only visit during the time of King James'
Wes was so nice because he was certifiably insane. Batshiat insane.

What followed (whilst my jaw continued to descend to the floor) was a tale so intricate and bizarre that I have trouble retelling it but basically Wes is part of a 'bird-tribe' of 3 men called talismen who use timepieces to travel through time and influence religion. They are waiting for a sign from Ugly Betty star (Amerika Ferrera) to re establish the Portugese Black Royal family and bring the true DaVinci Codes to the world. Wes exists on the Belarus-Minerva timeline and his interest in King James is because he edited a lot of stuff out of the bible that confirms his story. The two other Talismen are musicians and Wes is supposed to be learning the bagpipes to blend in. All the secrets to this can be gleaned from the film 'Flight of The Condor' starring Robert Redford where if you look closely it isn't seven people that died but 49. Apparently that is important.
I am not making this up. In fact this is an edited down linear version. Wes was slightly more erratic in his story telling.
He folded our laundry beautifully and showed me to the door. I gave him $5 for his trouble and as I left he told me to watch out for his grandmother who belonged to the 'Femme nikita' tribe and was a trained assasin but he would watch over me when he goes back to Scotland.'

I made the half hour walk back to the casino in about 5 minutes and breathlessly tried to retell the story to the other half. It didnt make sense when I told it either.

Something else that didn't make sense was all the effort to save a bit of cash by going to a launderette was entirely in vain, as the missus spent a fortune on the slots whilst I was away. Cest la vie.

(No apologies for length, girth or early finish)
( BadBadman saw an incorrect comma placement on, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 19:51, 3 replies)

I suspect that most conspiracy theorists
believe what they say in the same way as Christians who'll argue for hours that Armageddon is near, but still have their money in term deposits.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 18:57, 4 replies)

jesus..
this chap on the town square told me jesus would save me...

..i tried jumping from a lofty height.

..that didnt go so well.
(artesia if a badger crawled out my arse, i'd call it jesus, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 18:26, 1 reply)

Conspiracy theorists get laughed at
for calling the general public "sheeple".

But I used to be a shepherd, and none of my flock believed in conspiracy theories.

EXPLAIN THAT, SKEPTICS!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 18:01, 1 reply)

Apparently the Confederate flag
was going to have a St George's cross (like the English flag). But this was changed to accomodate various objections, including one from Jewish southerner Charles Moise, that "the symbol of a particular religion not be made the symbol of the nation."

So that must be fairly difficult for the KKK and friends to get their heads around - the Confederate States of America was CONTROLLED BY SECULARIST JEWS!

See en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confederate_flag
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 17:58, Reply)

My next door neighbour is a conspiracy theorist.
He's a nice bloke, married, and has one son who's a smashing kid. He's a bit of a gamer, as is Sweary Jr, so the two of them often swap games and games magazines. It's fair to say that they get on well, and he is at heart a good bloke. It's just the conspiracy theory stuff.

He believes all of it. Every. Last. Sodding. Word.

9/11 was known about by the US government, who elected to do nothing about it for various nefarious reasons? Check. The moon landings were faked? Check. The Nazis during World War Two were heavily financed by a powerful and influential Jew? Check. Swine Flu? Check. World War Three will break out in 2012, resulting in a significant proportion of the world's population being wiped out? Oh yeah, baby. The Illuminati? Well, of course, dear chap. It's all there on the internet, you know. And so on.

Now, I'm not about to start trying to change people's beliefs. What they choose to believe in is up to them, frankly. However, what I do object to is having those beliefs forced upon me, or any member of my family. Such as a highly impressionable 13 year old boy, for example. Regardless of whether he asked you about all those conspiracy books lining your bookshelf, you do not take it upon yourself to enthusiastically launch into all of the above. Regardless of all the probing questions he's asking you about this stuff, you do not spoon feed his rapidly growing paranoia with more and more horrifying imagery until he's taken to sobbing in his bedroom with the light out and rocking gently back and forth, convinced that the world is a shitful and evil place which will more or less end in a couple of years time anyway.

No. You don't do this, and certainly not without checking with the parents first. Had we known about this we would have stamped on it before it got to the stage it did. But SJ was just inwardly digesting it all until it came to a point where the burden got too much for him and the above mentioned darkened bedroom scenario happened.

Believe what you want to believe by all means. But be careful who you share these things with is all I'm saying. Your mate down the pub is one thing; your next door neighbour's young teenage son is a different kettle of monkeys altogether; especially when you know that he quite looks up to you.

Six months on, and SJ still bangs on about this stuff (although not nearly as much as before), not helped by the fact that they are actually learning about conspiracy theories at bloody school. We had the neighbour round about six months ago to politely request him to stop feeding our boy with this stuff. When he's an adult, he can do what he likes, but at the moment, he's our responsibility and we're the ones who have to pick up aftershock of the emotional trauma. Having this shit to deal with two months before our wedding was not what we needed at that point in time either.

It is getting better, though. Neighbour has stopped talking to SJ about it, as per our request, and SJ seems to be opening up to the fact that the key word in all this is theories, thank fuck.

I couldn't believe it, however, when neighbour stated that he was dreading telling his son about all of this... Jesus, if you're so convinced that the world is run by aliens and is going to practically end in 2012, then WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD IN THE FIRST PLACE???

He's still a nice bloke though, despite all of this. However, if the time comes where SJ needs psychiatric assistance because of this stuff, he's getting the bill...

EDIT/
To be continued above /\ - courtesy of my lovely, beautiful, witty, charming, norktastic, pert-clunged, nubile-cloppered missus, who has neither a hairy upper lip nor a skudge of orange peel on her thighs:

www.b3ta.com/questions/tinfoilhelmet/post510036

/Second Edit

That last bit had nothing to do with me...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 29 Aug 2009, 17:48, 8 replies)

The guy who owns and runs the gym I go to...
Is a Geordie. lovely guy, you can have a laugh with. Just don't talk to him about:
Politics
Wars
9/11
Swine flu
Revolutions
Anything apart from bodybuilding basically.

He reckons everything has happened for a reason, for the Illuminati to get rid of the Old World Order in order to bring in a New World Order (obviously).

WWI, The Russian Revolution, the Wall Street Crash, Hitler, WWII and basically everything that has happened since is all the Illuminati getting rid of this Old World Order. Even swine flu. Bear with me on this.

Apparently, the American governments want to adopt a universal currency for America, much like the Euro in Europe. However, Mexico wanted to keep an independant economy from the rest of the Americas. The CIA then infected Mexican Pig Farms with Swine Flu in order to de-stabilise the Mexican economy so the government would be forced to join this American currency.

He also belives in things called the Nephalim (I think). Goliath (out of David and Goliath) was one. Basically, to cut a long story short, they have found Nephalim in Afghanistan in caves which is the only place they can live due to being so large and not exactly welcome amongst the human populace.

So there you go. Oh, and lizard people running countries and on the news. Search for lizard eye or something on YouTube.
(The_Reaper, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 17:11, 2 replies)

Crop circles and UFOs
Once at work, me, the boss and the manager made some crop cricles in a nearby field. A couple of days later we submitted pictures of them to a crop circle website, a few days later some hippies experts came down and checked them out. They concluded that it had to be aliens as they were running exactly on top of 'water lines' and the pattern (3 circles) was some cosmic symbol. This was very funny to read as we just walked through a field with a ladder and a piece of rope and flattened some corn in a few places.


Later that evening, we filled some bin bags with helium balloons and attached some glow sticks. We let them off in various places but never heard anything else. I hope at least one person spotted them as they did look quite good, all green and floating around.


Pictures of the circles can be found on cropcircleconnector.com but you need a membership for the archive and im not paying £21 for it!
(Dr Zoidberg is going for a scuttle, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 16:07, Reply)

I met David Icke once..
I knew he was mental as soon as he spoke. He told me he was actually PROUD that he'd played for Coventry City FFS!!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 15:23, Reply)

A good question
overrun by boring cunts

but the thing is, if i decide that JFK was murdered or that the CIA have conducted experiments on the general public without their knowledge or that the official story about 9-11 is chock full of holes and bullshit....

Then what, that makes me a conspiracy nutter? Don't think so, i think it is more like common sense and a fucnctioning bullshit detector.

anyway, as you where, pissflickers.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 14:25, 15 replies)

White dog shit
Ever wondered why you don't see it any more?

I'm sad to inform you that there is no heinous conspiracy involved. The answer is simply the changing diet of our furry friends. Years ago, many dogs would have been fed on fresh meat; including the bones. This is what turns the shit white; the oodles of calcium in the bones which are crunched up and swallowed.

Now the dogs are fed on processed food, most of which has never seen a bone.

If you have a dog and want to test this, try feeding it some cheap chicken wings or similar. After it stops shitting wildly on every available surface due to the change in diet, you'll find loads of nice, white, crumbly dog shits all over your garden.

Lovely.
(Merrep, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 14:19, 9 replies)

The Ultra Sonics!
Rather that post a link (that's what _they_ would want me to do) I will give you some googleable keywords:
Ultrasonics, Nazi cop, harrasment

Those ought to do it
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 13:37, 2 replies)

It's now an official religeon.
The longest conspiricy ever, has caused more unrest than marmite.
Generations of religeous folk have believed "God is love". Which technically speaking and taken literally, is correct. The anthropomorphic personification of same is not. This "god"/"love" is therefore in all life and pervades us all. Religeon started "A Long Time Ago" The name for "God" in Hebrew is Elohim from which El is the name for "God", "strength" or "Force". I would love to expound on this theory at length, as I could go on for a lot more, however work restricts me. I only want to ask; Is it co-incidence that Obi-Wan has a beard and wears a cloak? Does George know something he's trying to tell us all? Was it Henry, the mild mannered janitor?
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 13:11, 1 reply)

A conspiracy theory is born
when something seems so obvious and logical to yourself that the only explanation for the wider community not seeing it the same way as yourself is a conspiracy.

That's why Peter Hitchens is so angry all the time. In his mind his opinions are in fact THE TRUTH and it's only the conspiracy among the liberals that are stopping him creating a new Britain that would last a thousand years.

Sooooo...to my TRUTH.

Ever increasing house prices only benefit Banks & large landlords, those of us who aren't one of these ...ie nearly everyone...get royally fucked by high and increasing property prices.

Given the above is true, anyone care to explain why every corner of the UK media constantly pushes one message...un-affordable house prices are great, and the higher they go the better?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sat 29 Aug 2009, 12:22, 4 replies)

Mister Blackpool Alien Man.
About 8-9 years ago, when I was just a yoof, I went to Blackpool with my parents. Just for the craic, really. I was having a great time. There was a joke shop that was literally even larger than my local supermarket, tons of toy stores, and an ice cream place. As any kid, it was heaven. However, for ME, I enjoyed it even more. For you see, down the road from the hotel, there was an alien museum. That's right, an alien museum. Inside it, there was a gift shop selling loads of alien action figures, books, DVDs...anything extraterrestrial, they had it. In the hallways, they had these 6 foot wax models of aliens from films like The Fifth Element, Aliens, Bad Taste, and Predator. As any Sci-fi geek (Even back then), I was in my element. Now, inside they had a billboard up, and it said that there was some form of "talk" on. Seeing as how I was in the coolest place I'd ever been in (apart from the joke shop, of course), I decided to go and have a seat, and see what was what.

This bearded man walked in the room, wearing a "believe" t-shirt stretched over his rotund belly like a second skin. He trotted over to a blackboard with an alien grey drawn on, and pulled his glassed down his nose. "Awwright, then..." he said in a really nasal- almost the stereotypical nerd- voice. He proceeded to talk about "life out there", and I'll admit, he was quite interesting at the best of times. As a skeptic and an atheist, I didn't believe a word he said, but he made some interesting points...at first. This little chat with a small audience lasted for three hours. By the end of it, the blackboard almost looked as though it had been painted white from his chalked scribblings of aliens, graphs and quotes. The audience had halved, and the ones that hadn't already gotten up and left were sitting down, twiddling their thumbs. One even fell asleep. I would have left, but as a kid, I was kind of scared what he would do if I did.

I still lament over those lost three hours to this day.
(almightyjoey is most likely listening to Electric Wizard on, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 11:54, 2 replies)

Conspiracy of the tin foilers!
Ignore all that malarkey about cabals releasing microwaves to control your brain and that tinfoil stops them.

It's all a LIE sent out by the manufacturers (Baco etc) to increase their profits!
(TheProfessor For all your redbearded intellectual needs, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 10:47, 2 replies)

Not many people know this...
This post has been removed by a moderator
( notmyrealname, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 9:35, 2 replies)

Visiting Avebury the other week..
I came across a rather dishevelled looking chap who was handing out leaflets, relating to "Intergalactic Intercourse" or some such nonsense.

"Based on 9 years of research!" He proudly and feverishly proclaimed.

Apparently, stonehenge is a giant minge, or something.. I didn't read the leaflet.

Anyone else seen this guy?
( Schweaty Minge I spunked in your tea! Taste it and see! D:, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 3:09, Reply)

The British royal family
controls the drug trade, environmentalism, and Aboriginal land rights.

Most terrorist groups were set up by a sect who worship Napoleon Bonaparte.

And so, so much more.

www.cecaust.com.au
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 2:24, 1 reply)

Major economic trends
This is dull but true. There is a secret department in the Home Office called "DNE" (no, I don't know what it means even though I worked there for 12 years) whose job it is to manufacture macro economic effects for the government of the day on to an unsuspecting public (and sometimes and an unsuspecting government).

Example 1: In 1979 when Mrs. T came to power the country was broke. There was no chance of manufacturing our way out of it because the far east was cheaper and better at it than we were. So how do you magic up wealth? One way was to monetise the crumbling housing stock we owned. DNE created MFI and Texas Homecare and started the early days of DIY TV and the 'property porn' industry you have now. You see by making home improvement fashionable, people WANTED to own houses. This drove up the market and borrowing and related services. One of our successes that one, but we honestly didn't think that DIY would ever become fashionable - we actually laughed about it when we were testing it in Whitehall. It's also a great example to prove the point as for many years it was a very British thing to do indeed and wasn't replicated elsewhere for many years. Before my time the same thing had been done with cars (we made Haynes manuals) before the numbers told us that independent garages would make more money.

Example 2: Binge drinking in the late 80's was restricted to wide boys and dodgy clubs that stayed open after the pubs had shut. However, by maximising this effect you created thousands of jobs in the F+B industry. Also you could beef up your police force under the pretext of controlling town centres (there is another backstory here too serious for b3ta). Deregulation meant that anyone could binge drink 7 days a week and spend the money they earned getting legless. We particularly aimed this at women who used to drink (and spend) far less than they do now. However we did not expect everyone to switch from beers to sugary/caffine laden drinks - this gave them more energy and wasn't factored in. We advised the government to give control to the local councils once this effect had been established.

There are tons of others. I am writing my memoirs.
(prescottsflu infected you at, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 1:35, 10 replies)

All the white dog shit
is being stolen by taxi drivers at night, who grind it down and smoke it, coz it gets them high, and the police can't tell because it doesn't affect their eyes.

That's why you don't see it anymore. It's nothing to do with dogs diets.

By white dog shit, I mean that the dog shit is white not that the shit is from a white dog.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 1:00, 4 replies)