There's only one Dirty Willy - thank god
Living in a shared house whilst backpacking in Australia I found myself living with a guy I fondly remember as Dirty Willy. Not because he had a dirty willy, mind. Well he probably did because he was dirty and his name was Will. Hence the name. Genius, I know. I digress.

There were about 14 of us in the house – 3 or 4 to a room and one night the four of us who shared a room, and as such had become the closest, found ourselves home alone. We’re being typical lads talking about the birds in the house we’d most like to shag, etc, when willy poses the question: Where have you guys wanked in the house?”

We all admitted to the shower and the toilet. Dirty Willy had done it in every room including one of the other lads rooms. WTF. Next question, again posed by DW. Where have you had a piss in the house?

Again we all admitted to the shower and the rather obvious toilet. DW had gone one better and gone in the kitchen sink. Charming. Third question, again from DW. Where have you gone for a shit in the house?

We all looked at each other and in unison said “IN THE FUCKING TOILET”. Turns out DW had again gone one better(?) and backed one out in the shower. He then told us how he had had to poke it down the plug hole with his fingers.

Ladies and Gentlemen: I give you Dirty Willy.
(Creamy Discharge Freeze Motherstickers, this is a fuck up, Fri 7 Sep 2007, 3:06, Reply)

worked perfectly for me

There was a time when I worked in an office full of women but I was the only one with children. So, whenever I felt too lazy to show up on time, I always used the excuse that one of my children had been sick or had an accident.

That may not seem like TMI.........but I would get very graphic in describing the vomit, chunks, blood, poop, etc etc etc.......graphic enough to make them green.

TMI? most definately! But I got to sleep in for all my efforts!
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Fri 7 Sep 2007, 3:05, Reply)

Diagnose this!
At one of my old jobs as a useless peon for Scottish Widows I was expected to scroll through hundreds of insurance quote inquiries a day and give them a positive or negative.

Que one day a lady of 52 years old asking for an insurance quote. I went through the basics with her, general rubbish to ascertain wether the old bitch was likely to die anytime soon. She wasn't but unfortunately was very prone to headaches. I kindly informed her that due to the nature of her age and the severity of the headaches that we could not offer her an insurance policy. It was only then I realised that information being flashed about this woman over my computer screen was more than I needed to hear. A quote from her medical records - "The headaches were strongest and most frequent during orgasm." I found myself making a mad dash for the porcelain potty whilst proclaiming never to inquire for too much information again!

Apologies for lengthy yet most likely shit QOTW answer!
(TheVomitingCavalier entered one image challenge and failed miserably, Fri 7 Sep 2007, 2:29, Reply)

My family is obsessed with cats.
So when my cat ran away it was only custom for us to get a kitten to replace him. We went to pick up Maxine, the newest edition to the family, on a friday. Being in my young age of 12 I was extremely ecstatic when we got her and by the time we got home I wanted to stay up all night with her and play, but my parents disagreed. So I went to bed, awaiting the hours of play time I could have the next morning. I got up and ran around the house looking for her...she wasn't to be found! So I went into my parents room and they were awake...My father was rubbing around the lower end of my mothers abdomen...I asked where the kitten was..."She's under the covers, I'm petting her" Said my dear old dad...Much to my suprise she came galloping up to my foot as those words left his mouth...yes I'm sure you are petting the kitten....AGH!! TMI Dad...TMI!!
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 7 Sep 2007, 2:12, Reply)

Excuse
The other day I was in the kitchen with my dad when he was asked to do something by my step-mom, he replied, slightly sheepishly, that he couldn't. When asked why he replied, "because I'm about to poo myself". Needless to say I giggled but I didn't really need to know why he was waddling off upstairs.

He later felt the need to tell me that he seriously comtemplated coming downstairs with some tissue supposedly containing "evidence" of his earlier revelation. I really can't make up my mind whether I'm impressed by this or not.
(BrianFork, Fri 7 Sep 2007, 2:07, Reply)

I need to un-learn things
Things as told to me by my little brothers' ex-girlfriend one night after a few too many drinks. Shudder. Still, in the interests of education, handed her a tube of lube and gave her instructions on how to use it, in order to make sure that you can sit down properly the morning after, and proceeded to drink myself into a coma, hoping that I'd forget all about it.

Sadly, it didn't work. On both counts.
(Chewy Walrus says: It's slobberin' time!, Fri 7 Sep 2007, 1:59, Reply)

Good God, where do I start???
I'm a journalist so suffice to say I hear waaaay too much information on a regular basis.
Most of it seems to be covered below, people shitting themselves, people shitting on themselves, people shitting on each other the family dog and barbie dolls for pleasure, the elderly (straight and gay) explaining their still-healthy nursing home sex lives, bodily fluids and parts to blame for being late, violent sex offenders giving evidence, hilarious tales from the government contractors (the guys who clean up crime scenes), coroners detailing injuries etc etc etc.
The one thing that sticks out however is the time I asked a nuclear scientist what would happen if the aging reactor near where I was living ever developed a serious problem. "Oh, it already has." he said. Try sleeping after that.
( difficultchild, Fri 7 Sep 2007, 1:20, Reply)

Yet another pube tale.
I had started the school a few months into year 10, and so I got the usual "wank, wank, good guy" tour. There was a lad whom I shall call Chris (for t'was his name) who had a fair few tales circling him, some of which went beyond the point of too much information. We still used it against him, because that kind of thing is deserved.

- There was the time when he strode into English class one day and proudly announced "I've got 3 (three) pubes."

- Also the time where he accounted in detail when he recieved his first hand-to-cock action from another. His sister's friend. Who was 13. In front of his sister.

- Then there's the time in Year 11 he said in front of everyone how much he would like to shag this girl that was standing across from us, which positions he would use and how grateful she'd be after. She came closer. She was 11.

Oh, there's another one which is unrelated to tmi but amusing nonetheless. I used to work for a large cash-and-carry that rhymes with Hookers. I was given the sack after 6 weeks of employment, because I hated the job and generally sat about doing fuck all. Chris worked there, also. He was given the chance to work in cash handling. If I remember correctly, Chris received 0 GCSEs. That day, Hookers lost over 4 grand.

He's a bastard, and I feel no remorse for telling these tales. He used to get kicked about by one of the weediest people in our year, he's that much of a useless twunt.
( Grokthought wouldn't pay that for Chinese 5-Spice, Fri 7 Sep 2007, 1:09, Reply)

Evil-ex housemate
was working in the local endoscopy/colonoscopy unit and mentioned how turned on he was by watching the 'procedures' and did I think it was a bit wrong? I just sat there and silently judged him.
(libbyloo <insert cool quote and pretend I came up with it>, Fri 7 Sep 2007, 0:45, Reply)

I have a friend who would take the piss out of her emo boyfriend with me
The TMI was that she was my ex, and I still liked her, and she was talling me about the sex she was having, and how small his cock was.
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 23:31, Reply)

jiggling john just reminded me
When shouting upstairs to a friend of mine and her boyfriend that we were about to leave and would they mind getting a fucking move on, her response was...

"Give us a sec, Ste's inside me at the moment..."

Classy.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 23:04, Reply)

how handy.
When we were both about sixteen, I was visiting my friend-who-shall-remain-nameless, who is always dying her hair. I was preparing to dye mine for the first time, but the kit I bought had been opened and the gloves stolen.

I asked Miss Friend if she had any spares, and she proceeded to quietly lead me to her bottom dresser drawer, which was full of, among other things, latex gloves. Of course I asked her why the hell she needed so many gloves - she replied, in all seriousness, "I love latex, it feels so good on my skin.." while (somewhat seductively) stretching one of the gloves between her hands. I really wasn't sure whether I was disturbed or aroused...possibly both.
( trintrin has jam for blood, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 22:59, Reply)

Well, sortof TMI
In a similar vane to some of the other posts on here.....

I found, in the back of a cupboard when I was 14, a Kama Sutra and other such material. Initially, I was intrigued and even turned on.

Until I realised that it was found in my parent's cupboard.

Then the penny dropped.

Not sure what was TMI - me admitting this or the inference of finding the material.



Dear God - shudder - It's just as well I'm in therapy*

* I actually, currently am. It's true.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 22:27, Reply)

Phone sex
You remember those sony t610 phones that made a brrrrrp DING! sound when you get a message?

Few years back at uni:

Text : "You coming out for a beer dude?"

Reply from mr t610 owner : "You sent me that at the EXACT moment I just came in my missus."

A simple yes or no would've sufficed...
(jiggling_john Heres a fiver, you lads get yourself some chippies, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 22:22, Reply)

My mums just told me she's going to attend to her mimsy
*shudder*
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 22:13, Reply)

Regularly When I return from a shit, then go back on msn.
I get asked where Ive been.

I'm happy to oblige....
(DanS like you've never DanSed before!, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 22:05, Reply)

My mum
bless her, means well, but sometimes goes that little bit too far. Just before I started uni, she waited till my dad was distracted when we were out in town and led me to the condom aisle in Boots, saying "Now I know you're going to be away from home and you may just meet someone, so if you can't be good be careful and you should only use these good ones here *points to Durex rack* because every other brand is crap."
( Maladicta, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 21:48, Reply)

Physics class, first day of winter term, 2001.
"Good afternoon Year 11, I trust you had a malaise-free summer. Personally I had a MARVELLOUS summer, I was ABDUCTED and TORTURED by Seven of Nine."
( Maladicta, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 21:44, Reply)

bum fun
Many years ago I lived in a house split into flats. I became good friends with one of the other residents who was as gay as a very gay thing. We got on so well that we had keys to each others flats.
I went on holiday for a week and when I came back Phil came to see me. 'I borrowed one of your duvet covers while you were away. I met a man and we had such exciting bum sex that my duvet cover was covered in shit'.
Needless to say I told him he could keep it.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 6 Sep 2007, 21:41, Reply)

anally retentive
I'd been seeing a girl for 3 months or so and had got to the stage where we were both ready to come out of the bedroom, and 'go public'. She was a feisty and forthright young thing, who didn't stand on ceremony or shy away from offering an opinion. She was also a devil in the sack. The public launch was arranged in a public house with an assortment of friends, their girlfriends', as well as my sister and her fella. Just a night in the pub to have some fun and for her to get to know a few of my nearest and dearest.

The evening was less than 2 pints old when someone told a funny and dirty joke which ended in a punch line about having anal sex. Everyone around the table had a good old chuckle when, just as the laughter was subsiding, my new beau announced in a giggling voice, "oh yes, we've been doing quite a lot of that recently, haven't we Botchjob"

Strangely, she became pretty popular with my male friends after that.
(botchjob, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 21:25, Reply)

Moving in present
Upon moving into our new house, myself and Mrs Brocky were presented with some face cloths by her Nan & Grandad.

The use - to pop under our pillow, as they had recently found using tissues after sex could be a little messy and they had found said face cloths much better suited - too much information!!!!
(brocky, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 21:25, Reply)

another disgusting story
Again this is my hubby's friend. He is a skank beyond any doubt with a very doting mother. When he got crabs, his mum was there to comb them from his arse. When he shat himself
(not just once either) she was there to clean the shit-stained wallpaper and dog-puke from his foot that the arse-hole olk had inadvertently stood in. The worse bit of info he told my hubby unashamedly was he loved to take the tampon from his now wife's fanny with a lovely flamingo dance-aww now that's love for you :)
(brocky, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 21:23, Reply)

Oh and...
What is it about festivals that makes people have long, detailed conversations about the nature of their toilet habits, how they tackled the long drop, or the condition of the portaloo they've just desecrated?

I mean, I'm trying to tackle a particularly ropey-looking burger here, knowarramean?
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 21:14, Reply)

too mouth information
My hubby's uncle is gay and a bit promiscuous to say the least and finds far too much pleasure in imparting his various orgies. Yes orgies.
Apparently there is at least one pub in London where you basically take off all your clothes barring your Doc Martins and you're away!

The worst bit was he said that he was giving a guy a blow-job and got a bit carried away retching and vomitted on this guy's cock. Although it was 11 O clock on a Sunday morning, the pub had blackout blind with little lighting, so the poor soul next to pleasure the vomit penis man did so without noticing apparently.

Far too much info to hear from your mother-in-law's brother!
(brocky, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 21:12, Reply)

Doing your bit for International Relations...
Many years ago, when I was ne'er but a young 'un, my Aunt used to have a house in Whitby. Now being a spinster and all (and a member of the 'sisterhood' apparently) she had plenty of space in the house and nowt much to fill it, so she decided to take part in a scheme where EU and NATO delegates would be put up for a few weeks whilst they were on business in the UK. Whitby is quite close to RAF Fylingdales so she had quite a lot of serious NATO types staying, much to the amusement of me and my bro, who were regularly on holiday there and got to meet plenty of high-flying executives with big cars and lots of cash.

One time particularly sticks in the mind though. It was towards the start of my Aunt's lodging set-up, and this lovely middle-aged Norwegian couple working for NATO had taken up lodgings there. We were also there, on half-term holiday (and to give mum some much needed quiet time from the pair of us). Now, we were told to be on best behaviour, so no fighting, playing G 'n' R at full blast in the bedroom or screaming mentally when Wednesday were on the telly (this was during the Owls' early 90's hey-day). Not a problem, despite me and my bro regularly scrapping (see previous posts) we could be darlings when we needed to.

Anyway, I digress. It was a balmy Saturday (Sun, in Whitby? Surely not!), and the Norwegians decided to take the sea air and go for a stroll after the gargantuan dinner that my Aunt had served for us.

So, off they toddled, down the road, hand in hand like all cute middle aged couples do.

Then, about 5 minutes, later, the door burst open, the man of the couple - Bjarni, or something - cursing his head off in Norwegian as he charged up the stairs, closely followed by his dear wife, who popped in the living room to explain the situation...

"Bjarni just realised needs to change his jumper, he got gravy on it, he gets rather annoyed about these things."

Now, obviously that wasn't the case, and our suspicions were confirmed when Bjarni hollered from the attic room of my Aunt's pretty little mews terrace...

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT FUCKING SEAGULL SHAT ON MY NEW SWEATER!!!"

Ah, yes. Of course.

Now, my Aunt, being of an evangelical Christian persuasion, struggled to show her disgust whilst holding in a fit of giggles, whilst my brother and I were rolling around the living room floor, pissing ourselves at the whole thing.

So, it just goes to show, no matter how high you are in the great scheme of things, you can always get shat on from above.

After the event, the guy realised what he'd done and offered to take me and my bro off my Aunt's hands for a day as penance for his mistake. So two days later, me and my bro, and the Norwegian geezer found ourselves riding donkeys up and down Scarborough beach, the old fella chuckling away to our impressions of his announcement about the aftermath of his encounter with the Great British Seagull.

Great days.

I would make a joke about length, but it seems to be the trend lately to make a dig about rachelswipe and legless's stories. I won't do that, because even if they are made up, they're still fucking funny. Kudos to them!
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 21:11, Reply)

Why was it in there if it was clean?
Recently a mate furnished my friends and I with a toilet-based anecdote that made our blood run cold. Quite why he thought it to be suitable for public airing still troubles me.

Long story short, the hero of our story was in a grotty town-centre pub when nature called and he got a 'knock at the back door'. Yielding to the building pressure, he had no choice but to use the pub's lavatorial facilities.

After nature had taken its course, he began the clean-up operation. However, he told us that mid-clean he ran out of toilet roll. Not to be beaten, and showing speed of thought and A-Team-level ingenuity well beyond his years, he then proceeded to fish a used piece of paper from the bowl and reuse it.

As you can imagine, the group parted like the Red Sea when he told us this, and we're still not overly comfortable in his company weeks later. He tried to justify his depraived behaviour by claiming "it was a clean piece", drawing the natural response "well why was it in the bowl in the first place?"

Perhaps the most worrying aspect of this sorry tale is the level of understanding we've built up as friends which makes this kind of story acceptable during a drinking session. I still shudder when I think about it. Minging.
(titusyouclown, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 20:46, Reply)

Women's underwear
Well, once I wore some women's underwear (nice shorts) - it wasn't my idea and it felt nice - much monkey-lovin' was had afterwards :-)

That was TMI

However TMI was probably when I, in a drunken haze, told the barman in the hotel where I was staying - conversation went something like this:

"Drink sir"
"Heh heh, I'm wearing women's underwear and they feel good"
"Um, sure - drink?"

TMI?

I think so.

Why am I telling you lot this???
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 20:45, Reply)

Ack.
(see answers for And That Was The Thanks I Got, and Barred for most of my answer).

Text message: "I've just let &name; bugger me!" Niiice. Put me right off my bowl of ramen.

(I have many more like this first one, gaz me if you want more... some of them are not for the fainthearted but are all relevantly disgusting.)

Stalker Boy: Ooh dear I'm wearing my evil pants!
Me: Evil pants? What are you on about?
Stalker Boy: Well. Is what happened is, I bought these pants from Marks and Spencers and they don't sit right on David Dickinson*. They make him go all funny! It's too hot and it makes my balls all sweaty.
Me: *trying very hard not to heave* Ahhh. Well, perhaps you should go home and change?
Stalker Boy: OR, I could just not wear any pants and show David Dickinson to Rachael**
Me: Yeah, I'm sure she'd love that. I have to leave now.

He repeated this experience in Paris with my parents. This was the summer people died in Paris during a heatwave, but all the same. It wasn't till we went to Spain the twunt discovered they actually had cardboard inside which was chafing him.

And also in Spain:

Stalker Boy: Oooh dear that omelette on the plane must have been off...
Me: It's airline food, I told you it would be bad.
Stalker Boy: No no no it's an Airbus A320 with MyTravel, they cook all their food to British hygiene standards, I know because it was on Airport! Anyway I just had diarrhoea in the bathroom.
Me: The one we're sharing? Oh you have got to be kidding me. You utter twat.
Stalker Boy: Calm down dear... it's a commercial... I ran the shower for ten minutes and the steam took away all the smell.

Perhaps if he hadn't been huge I'd have lobbed him off the balcony.

* Just... don't ask.
** Slaggy girl in our year who either fancied him or was even more disturbed than I thought
( Maladicta, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 20:38, Reply)

I like to shock people
So I tell my friends in extreme detail about my sexual experiences...I even told my mother when I lost my virginity just to see what she'd say. My cousin is pregnant with her second child and we were joking about it (she has my same sick humor). My mother was gagging as I was recalling the delivery room doctor pulling out her placenta and me ducking as it swung around like a lasso. He plopped it into a metal container and proclaimed it to be healthy while poking, prodding and squishing it ever so violently. *squirt* Then we moved onto the topic of sexual terms. London bridge anyone? Yes that would be when there are 2 fellas occupying both bum and front bum of a lady, my cousin shared how her boyfriend participated in one at a party. I went on to inform them as to what the spiderman is...you know guy cum in his hand then throws it into sexual partners face and yells "GO, WEB GO!!" My mother didn't really enjoy that one. oh well...GO, WEB GO!!
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 20:26, Reply)

Immature Really
I spend most of my conversations creeping out my friends.

It mostly consists of my bowel movements. Let's just say I don't have a consistent diet along with regular exercise, so the normal conversation topic is "Did meow poo today?"

Not very lady like but it gets a reaction.

Also mentioning which areas of my boyfriend I lick gets a big reaction.

May need to work on my social skills somewhat.
(Ellytots Last thought of chocolate on, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 20:13, Reply)