saying it how it is
Don't ever tell your pregnant and hormonal wife that, yes, she does look fat in that dress. She may just try and kill you.
(SkoaL, Sun 24 Oct 2010, 13:49, Reply)

Snigger when people talk about the sun setting. It’s really the horizon rising.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sun 24 Oct 2010, 9:32, Reply)

Before enjoying an chilled ice cream or ice lolly
remember to turn off the air conditioning in your car or house, or you won't feel the benefit.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 22 Oct 2010, 19:35, Reply)

Thinking of a trip to the UK for the olympics?
Don't get your hopes up.
(benito vaselini no not that one, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 14:10, Reply)

Don't use
a touchscreen phone whilst eating a kebab
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 10:24, Reply)

Driving at night
If you are giving way to an oncoming car (for instance to let them get round a parked car), don't flash your lights. Instead turn your lights briefly to your sidelights, thus not blinding them.

Then, once they have passed the obstruction, call them all the cunts of the day as they flash their lights in thanks.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Thu 21 Oct 2010, 10:19, Reply)

To Baroness Thatcher's Nurse.
A pillow firmly placed over the face of an 83 year old is a great way to keep them fit and active; especially when they are bed ridden in hospital.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 16:39, Reply)

Play a game of 'Nostalgia' Lego
by chucking away bits that you couldn't sketch in 15 seconds with a high school geometry set, e.g. any Batman, Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Harry Potter bits. In short, anything that isn't square, triangular, round or flat.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 20 Oct 2010, 16:24, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Conspiracy
Make your neighbours think you have your own Area 51 situation by erecting a large marquee in your back garden and filling it with bright floodlights. Then occasionally wander in and out in a bee-keeper's uniform.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 17:44, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Book your flights more than 5 days in advance.
If you don't you'll get stuck with stupid routes:

TXL > CDG > SFO > CDG > TXL > CDG > BRS > CDG > TXL

Nobody wants to fly via paris twice in one day.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:28, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

The people behind "The Inbetweeners"
you really ought to have quit after the first series rather than turn the characters into increasingly over the top charicatures of themselves.

The same goes for those behind the later 'special' episodes of The Royle Family.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 15:02, Reply)

emails
Hinder people's attempts to read the emails you send them by adding the word 'viagra' in the subject line.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 12:43, Reply)

Illiterates
"Alot" is not a proper word. Try "a lot".

"Aswell" *is* a proper word, but only when referring to ships' sails being full of wind. Try "as well".

/sits on own petard and waits
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 16:21, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Thinking of giving cross-dressing a go?
Start by wearing odd socks at the weekends. If you feel shame at being caught wearing odd socks then cross-dressing probably isn't for you.
(muzzvsworld, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 12:08, Reply)

Want to photocopy your buttocks?
Rather than risk breaking a very expensive photocopier, simply lie on your back and pull a flatbed scanner against your arse and then print out the scanned image.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 17 Oct 2010, 17:48, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

To promote yourself from working class to middle class
Simply stop watching Eastnders and start listening to the Archers.
(muzzvsworld, Sun 17 Oct 2010, 13:26, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

When lighting candles
always light the candle furthest away from you. This will avoid setting light to your wrist or sleeve.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Sun 17 Oct 2010, 8:16, Reply)

Local Newspapers.
Why not print some actual news instead of thinly disguised double page advertisements that look like articles followed by pages of adverts.
(spleenspleenspleen coffeeflavouredsugarcoatednicotine, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 0:18, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Scratched CDs and DVDS
Make them play again by giving them a wipe over with some diluted T-Cut.
( Pig Bodine., Fri 15 Oct 2010, 13:08, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Tesco self-service tills
pissing you off?

Stop pretending to be a cashier and go to a normal fucking till, and stop your whinging
(MightyX5 living on a small island on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:16, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Save money on expensive anti-theft markers
by wanking on all your consumer electronics. Not only will it show up under ultra-violet lamps but it will contain your own unique DNA as a way of tying you to your gadgets.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 14 Oct 2010, 22:26, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Flashing
Try flashing on your roof to deter would-be thieves.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 16:58, Reply)

Music lovers
Save your neighbours from buying expensive CDs by playing your own music extremely loud so they might enjoy it also.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 12:48, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

That bloke that lives behind me
Avoid coming across as a right miserable cunt by accepting that it is extremely time-consuming and not worth the effort to sweep up every last tiny fragment of hedge-clippings, especially when the gravel on your front-garden keeps falling through your fence onto the pavement.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 12:47, Reply)

Avoid the hassles in life
By being incredibly rich and having a heroin habit.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 11:37, Reply)

Piss off mates
by hacking into their Spotify accounts and making a playlist called "Loading..."
( krang, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 17:29, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Soap in the microwave.
As requested from the QOTW:

When putting soap in a microwave to see what happens, having experimented I believe Palmolive soap gets the best results. Don't try it with imperial leather, unless you like firework displays.
( paulieg La, la, la, not listening, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 15:44, Reply)

Amuse yourself
by listening to the song "Isn't it Ironic" by Alanis Morissette and making a note of all the misinterpretations of the word 'ironic' you can find.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 13:13, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

if you're pregnant,
wear a badge which reads, "No, i'm pregnant".

This way i'll know to give up my seat on the train and have no fear of upsetting you.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 12 Oct 2010, 21:24, 9 replies, latest was 14 years ago)