Bored at work?
Re-enact the excellent self-punchup scene from "Fight Club" and blackmail your boss :o)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 12 Dec 2006, 14:42, Reply)

Are you a dull, talentless bimbo with plastic boobs and an IQ of 25?
Then make a sack load of money by getting someone to ghost write your autobiography, which amazing as it may seem, people will want to read.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 12 Dec 2006, 13:31, Reply)

When wanting to publish a book and make loads of dosh
without making any effort at all, just open a top tips section on the QOTW.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 12 Dec 2006, 13:02, Reply)

Buy Viz
and read top tips that are already edited for quality!
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 12 Dec 2006, 13:02, Reply)

i learned this one last week...
if the girl you work with and also you fancy sits on your lap in front of everyone (including your boss) during the staff christmas night out, try and not to have a hard-on*

_{*unless she appreciates it}
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Tue 12 Dec 2006, 9:36, Reply)

Words to live by.
1. Before eating chocolate or other junk food, always eat a piece of fruit.

2. Excercise outdoors in freezing weather, burn a lot more calories!

3. Kids will eat vegetables if they are arranged in a line on the plate. Try alternating snap peas and baby carrots. Watch them disappear!

4. Once you read and understand #s 1-3, you will realize that you are not as smart as I am. Sorry about that.
(mortdubois lacks imagination, doesn't play well with others, Tue 12 Dec 2006, 2:38, Reply)

Want to avoid embarrasing old-age related incontinence?!
Smoke 40 a day and die a dry, strong bladdered 33 year old.

It works! just ask Bill Hicks.
(clusterfuck detesting 'length' jokes since, Mon 11 Dec 2006, 20:27, Reply)

Stab holes in your car
Makes it go faster.
( Drunken Vet, Mon 11 Dec 2006, 20:18, Reply)

Dont bully the clever/nerdy people at school
you do ending working for them
( Drunken Vet, Mon 11 Dec 2006, 19:59, Reply)

Women;
Save hours of pointless frustration and arguing by simply telling your partner WHAT YOU WANT, instead of dragging any single request out with needless cryptic clues. Seriously, it'll work wonders.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 11 Dec 2006, 17:33, Reply)

Alexlightfoot1....
Why would you wear a thong thats too small...especially if you are male...and even more so if you are in Germany! Someone could mistake you for a man whore.
(Arse Biscuits The question is not who, but why?, Mon 11 Dec 2006, 16:48, Reply)

clusterfuck
not necessarily - he may have sold them to the fish and chip shop already. after all, isn't that how calamari is made?....
(Handel blah blah blah, Mon 11 Dec 2006, 16:20, Reply)

Top Tips?!

Speak to a briss - he has thousands.
(clusterfuck detesting 'length' jokes since, Mon 11 Dec 2006, 14:41, Reply)

Heteros

Concerned about your lack of lady-garden action?! Tell all and sundry you are gay. Ladies love a challenge and, in the meantime, you might get a bit of oral from a confused 1st year uni student named Mark.
(clusterfuck detesting 'length' jokes since, Mon 11 Dec 2006, 14:12, Reply)

Wankers
Recreate that feeling of sitting on your hands for half an hour by getting someone else to pull you off.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Mon 11 Dec 2006, 13:50, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Che Grimsdale
I too do this in bath, particularly after enjoying a beer and spliff, and I recommend that people try it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Dec 2006, 11:28, Reply)

Top Gearing
Next time you consider giving Richard Hammond sympathy for his car accident, remember that he's an annoying cunt that had it coming.
(misteroz, Mon 11 Dec 2006, 10:40, Reply)

Thong
Never wear a thong thats too small, your scrotum will come out on both sides and it will hurt
(alexlightfoot1 has to do toilet on, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 23:53, Reply)

If you've got a bit of a headache
A nice but very temporary solution is to pinch the meat in-between your thumb and forefinger.. not just the skin, but the actual meat in there. Your brain will focus more on the pain there than in your head, but only while you're pinching it. And after a while it starts to hurt more. But if you've taken the aspirin and you're waiting for it to kick in, this can help.
(Zoidberg Jr - Food, you say?, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 20:29, Reply)

Got something in your eye?
Pull your eyelid down over your nose and sneeze.
( Drunken Vet, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 18:50, Reply)

Perverts
If you suddenly find the need to thrash one off in the subterranean gentlemens' convenience in Leeds Market a good 15 years ago, please don't... There's nothing less appealing to a 15 year old lad than an old fella using the urinal next to you to choke their hairy little nonsense.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 6:35, Reply)

Men
If you dress up as a woman for some hilarious reason, don't look in the mirror. You will instantly fall in love with your reflection (we are attracted to partners who often look just like us) and spend the rest of your life trying to achieve that same rush of attraction whilst ruining your marriage and ensuring your children get the very best bullying at their local school when pictures of you dressed in New Looks finest start getting texted everywhere.
(bonjelafiend, Sat 9 Dec 2006, 22:30, Reply)

Rice Cookery
Before you boil rice to accompany a chicken marengo, or perhaps a nice homemade balti, rinse the rice 3 (THREE) times in an inch of fresh, cold water. Agitate the pan slightly (as though 'panning for gold'), and Hey Presto! Your cooked rice will be much fluffier and less inclined to stick to itself as you have washed away all that nasty starch.



Oooh - here it comes - gnnnnhnn *pop*
(charmin, Sat 9 Dec 2006, 10:34, Reply)

Killing flies
To kill a fly that has landed on the table, or in fact, your dinner, don't try to swat it directly as it will probably be far too fast for you. Clap your hands about 3 inches above it instead. The fly's instinctive response to imminent danger is to jump straight into flight, and it will be squashed. Then go and wash your hands.

This really works, but it's best to let someone else do it.
(rogerzilla, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 21:40, Reply)

Here's one courtesy of Viz™
When cooking spaghetti, tie all the ends together. That way you can eat it in one long suck, eliminating the drudgery of washing up knives and forks.
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 16:40, Reply)

Tip of the week
In case you should ever forget the awesome power of gravity...here is something I discovered as an adolescent Che, and have been indulging in ever since, though less lately.

At the end of a nice bath, let the water go nice and still, lie serene and find a position in which you can completely relax, arms by sides is best, rather than on top of stomach. Then, sit up, pull out the plug and immediately return to 'relaxed position'. Then just wait for the awesome power of gravity to make itself felt.

Seriously - this is far more impressive than I can easily convey. As the water drains away you first sink down to the bottom of the bath, then your arms drop, your legs become heavy, your body settles on the bottom and gains weight second by second. DON'T MOVE an inch until ALL of the water has gone, gurgling down the plug hole, you will find your heart beating faster, breathing becomes more difficult even.

I used to do this after smoking a joint or having a beer or two, but these are not necessary at all - best to have some music or the radio on though, otherwise people will wonder what you're up to.

Try it this weekend and let me know how you get on.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 15:41, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

they're all talking about you, laughing at you

cut out their lying tongues
still their false hearts.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 15:34, Reply)

racked with guilt about the cybersex you had
with an underage girl?

Don't be.


(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 15:08, Reply)

If you ever go to Shoeburyness...
...take the A road, the okay road, that's the best.
(zerogravitas, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 14:14, Reply)

Elderly Folk
Aged drivers, why don't you liven up everyone else's rush-hour journey home on the M25 by driving your superannuated Austin Metro round it at 40mph?

Everyone will be chuffed to bits sitting in the chaos you have caused because you can't find a gear higher than second. You can also amuse even further by randomly slowing down to 20mph for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

You cheeky old chappie you!
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 8 Dec 2006, 13:13, Reply)