Ask internet grammarians about which copy of Fowler's they currently own.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 8 May 2014, 12:05, 3 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Make people think you have a limp by pretending to have a limp.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 8 May 2014, 8:45, Reply)

"Wood stain" is not a natural skin tone

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:39, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Anoy peepl...
...bi speeling wurdz rong.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:08, Reply)

Bald men,
We all KNOW it's a wig...
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 7 May 2014, 0:57, Reply)

Tennis balls rolled in dog shit
make excellent Maltesers for Clydesdale horses.
(username failed moderation, Tue 6 May 2014, 16:46, Reply)

Tennis balls rolled in dog shit
Make excellent ballgags for popular poster A Vagabond.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 17:53, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Tennis balls rolled in dog shit make ideal over-sized bouncy conkers.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 12:49, Reply)

change your username to SSG
Then you will always be popular cos some cunts using your ACTUAL NAME
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 26 Apr 2014, 21:52, Reply)

environmentalism - wildlife preservation
Convince the Chinese of the efficacy of homeopathy, then one tusk or tiger penis would last for millennia when made into a solution. This would then make, for the first time ever, homeopathy useful in terms wildlife protection.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 16 Apr 2014, 19:42, 4 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Fed up queueing for the toilet on train journeys?
Cut a long wait short by pissing in your own mouth.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 16 Apr 2014, 16:56, Reply)

Get the Local Bike experience
by having a go on YM
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 16 Apr 2014, 14:25, Reply)

Get the "Local Radio" experience
By listening to "Locked Out Of Heaven" by Bruno Mars on a loop.
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Fri 11 Apr 2014, 15:56, Reply)

Make Chickens
by getting Ed Sheran to shag a duck.
(username failed moderation, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 13:06, Reply)

Make mermaids
By getting a fish to shag your girlfriend.
(username failed moderation, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 13:05, Reply)

Stuck for idea for a fancy dress party?
Wear jeans and a hoodie, and carry a flat screen TV. Hey presto, you're a scouser.
(username failed moderation, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 13:05, 3 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Make lions by getting your cat to mate with a pony.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 16:42, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Make your single malts last longer by mixing in a bit of blended, no-one will be able to tell.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 12:27, 5 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Put a pen on a radiator for that
"Nice warm ink" feeling.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 11:24, Reply)

Fat jehovas witnesses,
Jam makes an ideal replacement 'blood' during dangerous surgery.

And will work just as well and be as likely, as your whole belief system.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 10:57, Reply)

Pimp your greenhouse with some tinted glass and grow-faster stripes

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 9 Apr 2014, 23:25, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Men,
Create the illusion of being a female comic in front of blind people, by telling jokes about cakes, tampax, and how men are bastards.
It doesn't have to be funny, don't worry.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 9 Apr 2014, 23:24, Reply)

Please think twice before adding line breaks -- your post will be skipped over if it looks too spread out or is a wall of text.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 9 Apr 2014, 20:11, Reply)

Calm those greedy cokeheads out on the town
with a strategically placed line of ketamine on top of the cistern
( Glovington, Wed 9 Apr 2014, 12:28, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Ensure everyone knows how well-read and intelligent you are
by telling them how you just can't go anywhere without your kindle.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 9 Apr 2014, 11:32, Reply)

Government...
Prepare for a yes vote in the forthcoming Scottish independence referendum by rounding up all Scottish people living in England, Wales & Northern Ireland and keeping them in camps, ready for immediate deportation.
( Muns, Tue 8 Apr 2014, 11:40, 4 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Confuse the English
By not hating them.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 8 Apr 2014, 10:51, Reply)

Apple, why not make the next iPhone a landline
As it seems they are only useful when attached to a fucking wall
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Tue 8 Apr 2014, 8:40, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Don't shave your arse crack, unless you want your farts to sound like someone letting all the air out of a party balloon.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 7 Apr 2014, 18:27, Reply)