Charging mp3's
If you have an mp3 player like an ipod that only charges via a USB port and you are too skint/stubborn to buy an adapter you can plug it into the back of your Wii. Its USB ports provide a charging current even while on standby.
(The Better Tim! Free of them STDs since, Mon 21 May 2007, 18:18, Reply)

Morning After, Chilli Kebab Ring Sting
Use Aloe vera gel, liberally and strategically applied before and after the fact.
(dedlymonkey, Mon 21 May 2007, 17:22, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Avoid ...
... difficult and confusing conversations with your car insurance company, by not changing your name to match your car registration.
(patently Was somewhere else on, Mon 21 May 2007, 15:49, Reply)

Cheap personalised number plate
Don't buy a personalised number plate for your car -- just change your name by deed poll to your car registration.

Your sincerely

YM03BTA
(cheesepump, Mon 21 May 2007, 15:29, Reply)

Bleuch....
The best cure for sea sickness?

Sit under a tree.
( SteamedCleaner, Mon 21 May 2007, 15:09, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Teenage spots?
Wash your face in surgical spirit(avoid eyes) cleanses and degreases the skin and any spots that have come through are instantly blitzed away-Point 1- does sting like fluck. Point 2-If you insist on using lots of hair gel/brylcream/makeup type stuff then you will get lots of spots anyway Point 3-This is for spots not acne..
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Mon 21 May 2007, 14:45, Reply)

A member of your family has something in their eye?
Easy to remove- just lick the eye- works every time!!
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Mon 21 May 2007, 14:26, Reply)

Free Food
Go into any large supermarket and buy a grape individually, this will register as less than 1p and so you will get it free..Repeat 20-30 times and hey presto a free bunch of grapes!!
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Mon 21 May 2007, 14:23, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

If you don't want to become an alcoholic...
then don't go to any meetings. You're only an alcoholic if you go to the meetings.
( phatotis while ($hair < $clean) { lather; rinse; }, Mon 21 May 2007, 4:18, Reply)

Thanks bloke at the hardware store!
Bought a leaf vacuum and blown it up by sucking in rocks, then gone to the shop and tried to return it only to be told: "You must be fucking kidding, you blew that up yourself because you're an idiot and you don't even have a receipt so piss off immediately"?
No problem!
Just buy another one exactly the same, swap the engine bit in the middle over, then return your 90 per cent brand new machine to the store for an instant refund.
Many thanks to the very helpful man at my local hardware supermarket who clearly doesn't give a shit about his bosses profits.
( difficultchild, Mon 21 May 2007, 3:53, Reply)

Baked Beans
Store tins of baked beans upside down, when you open the top & pour into the pan, all the beans will come out at once without the need to find a spoon & scrape the last fews beans out. This is because the bean 'juice' floats to the top of the can which then becomes the bottom when you open it & 'pushes' all the beans out in one go.
(Baron Greenback Still in Sunny Singapore, Mon 21 May 2007, 3:40, Reply)

EGGS
Prevent eggs from rolling off the table by placing them in a bowl or similar receptacle.
( Purple Martin is board sigless, Mon 21 May 2007, 0:58, Reply)

Plug
your stereo into the mains and put in a Beatles CD, for a dreadful reminder of the 60's.
(Snailfighter Mk VIII MASTER of the bits underneath the ledges on fences, Sun 20 May 2007, 18:38, Reply)

PUBES
make quite a nifty nail brush
(fannyface, Sun 20 May 2007, 11:14, Reply)

Paint stripper
Fairy Power Spray works a treat on acrylic paints without the awful stench.
(kitescreech still here, Sun 20 May 2007, 7:32, Reply)

Always remember
to tell your partner when you're about to cum, through the splutters all they said was "you bastard!" last time.
( Uncle Phallus Strong like fly, fast like elephant, Sun 20 May 2007, 1:24, Reply)

Hiccups
Metoclopramide 10mg
it really works. because its a drug.
(sir swear a lot yes., Sun 20 May 2007, 0:24, Reply)

About checking if your remote works
If you have a fancy pants DSLR camera, go into a dark room, point it at the camera and press buttons. It shows all the pulses too.
(Seanus, Sat 19 May 2007, 22:58, Reply)

More Chilli Related Shenanigans
Freeze Chillis before chopping them to avoid wiping chilli juice in your eyes[or worse] as they will defrost almost instantly as you cook them.
(socynicalsohip, Sat 19 May 2007, 16:19, Reply)

like chillies?
the best way to de-seed a chilli is to chop the top and tail off, then take a chopstick and ram it into the "chilli-tube". wiggle it about a bit and all the seeds and pith will come out the other end.
then you can make pretty and perfect chilli circles.
(whatsinaname, Sat 19 May 2007, 14:27, Reply)

Spilled the toner?
Assuming you don't have minions to perform this task...

If you happen to spill some toner on you clothes when changing the cartridge in a laser printer or photocopier, then rinse your garment in cold water as hot water will bind the toner to the fabric.

If it happens to someone you don't like, then advise them to use hot water.
(zzzp.net Big cookies! Man cookies! Cookies with nuts!, Sat 19 May 2007, 12:56, Reply)

Best cure for hiccups, 100% success rate
Get some one to place the palms of their hands over the entrance to your ears. Not too hard, just enough to make a light air tight seal.

Now drink a glass of water, take as big mouthfuls as you can and try to swallow each one in one go (fnarr fnarr)

Because of the pressure seal over your ears, the swallowing mechanism rebalances the pressure within your ear and throat canal and removes the hiccups. If it doesn't work first time then the other person is not holding your ears tight enough.
( Bamboo Steamer, Sat 19 May 2007, 11:52, Reply)

Stolen fromViz,
An empty cigar case filled with angry wasps makes an in-expensive vibrator.
(flamangathon is not local, Sat 19 May 2007, 11:49, Reply)

While riding a Vespa
don't hit the brakes and turn the handlebars at the same time -- you will fall down! This goes for motorcycles too.
( cynfulcynner ...another American nutter, Sat 19 May 2007, 11:40, Reply)

Emergency sink plunger
Don't have half a tennis ball? Try an empty plastic milk bottle.
( TK-421 wasn't at his post on, Sat 19 May 2007, 5:57, Reply)

spiders
Having trouble catching a spider under a glass? Blow gently on the fellow - this tends to make them retract their legs and remain still in an attempt not to be blown clean away. This makes capture easier.

not quite as easy as stamping on it, admittedly.
(cap'nj, Sat 19 May 2007, 2:26, Reply)

Toothpaste
Before giving your missus head, get her to wash her foof with toothpaste for a minty fresh mimsy.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 19 May 2007, 2:14, Reply)

AIDS
Never fuck a hooker who has the bad AIDS.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 19 May 2007, 2:13, Reply)

Save money
Don't throw away your marigolds when they're getting old and moldy. Sell them to farmers who can cut off the fingers and use them as peephole bras for cows.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 19 May 2007, 2:10, Reply)

look sharp...
can't be arsed using an iron on your freshly washed and creased shirt, girlfriends hair straighteners are much better for doing collars and with a bit of practice sleeves and the non-button side to give the impression of ironing.

Hanging it up to dry on a hanger works too.
(pyrogenius, Sat 19 May 2007, 1:40, Reply)