2 ways of dealing with cold callers
I normally use option 1 but whgen I'm in the mood option 2 is alot of smug fun

1) Hang up the second you realise they're cold calling you (doh!)

2) The minute you realise they are a cold caller say "wait a minute" put phone down next to you (or speakers if you are playing a game/watching TV/listening to music. A couple of minutes later pick up the phone and ask them "Are you still there?" if they are repeat from "Wait a minute"
If these buggers wanna waste your time on the phone do it back to them
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 31 May 2007, 12:54, Reply)

Flatmates...
To stop me from pouring grease on the kitchen floor to make it into an "ice rink" again, simply swap the "kitchen" sign with the "storage room" sign on the door... I'd be too F*cked to tell the difference!
(orison_2007, Wed 30 May 2007, 16:54, Reply)

For thin, easy, fast, regular slices of cheese,
use a cheese slicer to cut the slices. It's a fantastic method.
(tungazzio the occasionally present, Wed 30 May 2007, 12:56, Reply)

Hangover prevention.
Buy a bumper sized bottle of 'Milkthistle' capsules from holland and barrett (or you can get expensive tablets from boots, which work a lot better).

Take one with your meal before you go out, and then take one.. ooh, maybe every 2 hours? I normally do it between pubs as a rough rule.

Milkthistle is the kind of thing they give to liver patients, and i read that they gave a cat a few doses, and it survived eating one half of those nasty poisonous mushrooms that
kill a human with just one nibble!

Essentially, it stops the alcohol doing that nasty poisonous thing to your tummy and brain, and although you may still feel drunk in the morning (usual caffeine based treatment here), you will not feel too bad for wear.

Took heroic doses on an eastern european weekend of debauchery, and when i came back, my doctor said i was looking much healthier!

I swear by it, and have converted many to it's wonderful ways!

(Btw, it has little or no bad side effects. I've heard some people's 'pint to piss ratio' go up a wee bit, but barely noticeably).
(stevkay, Wed 30 May 2007, 1:37, Reply)

hangover avoidance
or at least try and take the edge off it. Use electrolyte salts like wot people use when they gave the shits (ie Dioralyte etc) drink before bed - they taste pretty fucking salty but if you can keep it down then the next day youre laughing. Or maybe just crying less.
(Rushy, Tue 29 May 2007, 23:55, Reply)

get that smell of rotten piss out your microwave
by putting in a bowl of water with some lemon zest and a good squeeze of lemon juice. Zap it on high for about 3 mins them wipe out your microwave.
(Rushy, Tue 29 May 2007, 23:52, Reply)

run out of shaving foam?
use hair conditioner instead. Works a treat.
( Whythebigpaws?, Tue 29 May 2007, 23:33, Reply)

The Guy Who Lives Opposite Me
Returning home early one day is a great way to find your wife in bed with another man.

Ed.X
(HNGTHDJ, Tue 29 May 2007, 15:16, Reply)

Yuppies!
Customise your mobile phone by using a standard woodwork plane to narrow and taper it at each end, and liberally grease it with Vaseline.

Then, when you get it rammed up your arse for shouting into it on public transport, it won't hurt so much.
(><(((">, Tue 29 May 2007, 14:34, Reply)

Stiff saw
if you're having trouble sawing through something, rub some soap on the saw blade
(shez, Mon 28 May 2007, 13:01, Reply)

A good idea...
is to close up a question of the week once it gets grossly off track.
(NancyycnaN Wðñ'† ¥ðµ §hðw §ðmê ¢l姧?, Mon 28 May 2007, 3:45, Reply)

Girls
Instead of complaining that all men are bastards, don't go out with bastards.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sun 27 May 2007, 13:06, Reply)

Swatting flies
If you're trying to swat a fly, aim behind them when they've landed on something. Flies leap backwards when they take off, so you get a head start against their faster-than-human vision cheat-mode.
( Irregular Shed is trying to remember what it is he does, Sat 26 May 2007, 23:22, Reply)

top tips
If you really want to teach somebody a lesson( nasty neighbour, ex best friend,whatever) wait for them to go to bed, and slip a banana into their car exhaust pipe and wait for morning.
Laugh hysterically as their car fails to start.They won`t know why, you will, and even if they eventually find the culprit, they`ll blame `those pesky kids`. You`re away scot free.
(TheWellHungarian, Sat 26 May 2007, 19:15, Reply)

Holidays
Don't leave your kids asleep unattended whilst you are wineing and dining.

(Not a tip really, just common fuckin' sense)
(kitescreech still here, Sat 26 May 2007, 18:27, Reply)

cheese slices
instead of a potato peeler you could use a cheese slicer, handily designed to produce thing slices of cheese.
(mortisdead, Fri 25 May 2007, 18:46, Reply)

soap
to temporarily stop a door squeeking rub soaps on its hinges.

then buy some bloody oil you student toss pot!
(parker larkin is an experiment, Fri 25 May 2007, 18:09, Reply)

Scratched car?
Arm local Charvers with spray paint and a fiver and they'll repair your pristine beamer in no time, leaving you plenty of time to drive around like a flash twat annoying other road users
(Xyphious : Sinkin' Gin since '85, Fri 25 May 2007, 14:43, Reply)

Squeeze
the excess air out of your bottle of shower gel before taking it on a plane. This prevents the lid popping open when the pressure drops.
( teedyay, Fri 25 May 2007, 10:55, Reply)

Smells
To get rid of any smell AT ALL on your hands or anywhere else, cover the said region with vast quantities of human or dog poo
(Channel9, Thu 24 May 2007, 13:28, Reply)

Wikipedia
Don't get your ass banned from posting there for writing weird shit in an article while under the influence. (Yeah, I'm retarded like that.)

That was not much length for popping a cherry, now was it?
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Wed 23 May 2007, 22:28, Reply)

Johnson Baby Wipes
Can get motor oil off your hands in one go, and excellent for wine spillages, vomit, chocolate smears on fabric, grass stains, etc... Just don't use them on your babies bottom - it gives them a nasty rash.
(mrsfluffles Bitter & twisted? Probably., Wed 23 May 2007, 15:54, Reply)

Moist Toilet Wipes
Because there's just no need for downright dirty arsedness.

Easy to use unless you're a flid or a sumo wrestler.
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Wed 23 May 2007, 13:57, Reply)

Instant picnic bars
Eat nothing all day, go to a pub and drink Guinness until closing, eat only peanuts & raisins. Go home and go to sleep. Wake up and dump required lengths in a controlled manor on to a baking tray, air dry for 2hrs. Serve. Slightly more savoury than sweet, but a cheap & effective substitute nonetheless. Enjoy.
(Readmarx, Wed 23 May 2007, 11:25, Reply)

Going through a speed trap too fast?
If possible, climb out through the sunroof and clap hollowed-out coconuts on the roof. This tricks the camera into thinking you're riding a horse, so you should get away without being flashed.
(FizzyLogic, Tue 22 May 2007, 14:23, Reply)

Cutting Cheese
For thin, easy, fast, regular slices of cheese (and I'm talking real cheese, motherfucking cheddar), use a vegetable peeler to cut the slices. It's a cocking fantastic method!
( Mr. Jack cracked the elite b3ta inner circle on, Tue 22 May 2007, 0:14, Reply)

Thai peanut chicken sauce
It's easy and cheap to make, and goes over really well whenever I give some to friends. The recipe is pretty forgiving, so feel free to tinker with the proportions a bit if you want.

4 cloves garlic, minced, chopped, or pressed
Juice of 1/2 lemon (about 1 to 1 1/2 tablespoons)
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup water
1/4 cup ketchup
1/4 cup soy sauce
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 tablespoons peanut oil
1 tablespoon sesame oil
4 teaspoons chopped ginger
1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
1 teaspoon onion powder
1 1/2 tablespoons crushed red pepper

Combine all ingredients until smooth. Can substitute two tablespoons of oil and one of water for the peanut and sesame oils, if desired. Will keep for one week in refrigerator.
(tellum0 is spelled with an 'o', Mon 21 May 2007, 23:17, Reply)

Need to go to work after a night on the sauce?
"Paracetamol Extra" from either Superdrug or Boots, with paracetamol and 65mg of caffeine.

***NOTE***
***These are essential bedside kit for the employed booze fancier***

Put three by the side of your bed (recommended dose is two, but it'll be OK -- your need is great and you are still well within the maximum daily dose of four grams). Set a new alarm on your phone for half an hour before your usual alarm. Wake up and pop the tablets with half a pint of water then sink back into your pit.

Twenty minutes later you won't be in any mood for sleep. Bright as a shiny button!
(Super Jet Shoes, Mon 21 May 2007, 22:23, Reply)

Going through a speed trap too fast?
If possible, change lanes while on the white lines. This confuses the camera and it can't get a proper reading, so you should get away without being flashed.
(peteyjlawson, Mon 21 May 2007, 21:49, Reply)