How to avoid being sold to by sex
Are you too easily taken in by sexy adverts? Do you cause a traffic accident every time you see a scantily clad model on a billboard? Get on the Internet and expose yourself to wank-loads of hardcore pornography of the hardest core. You will soon corrupt your mind so much that supermodels in their underwear won't be enough to do it for you anymore, thus saving you from being mislead by adverts.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 11:36, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Can't get a mortgage?
Strike a deal with the nearest 'Free Tibet' activist and use the remainder of their 10 Kellog's cereal boxes, plus a free plot at your local underpass, to create that dream home you've always wanted.
( Conman the Barbarian, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 22:39, Reply)

Want a free Tibet?
Simply collect tops from 10 boxes of Kellogg's cereal
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 14:27, Reply)

Want to free Tibet?
Get your arse over there and do something useful, instead of trying to grope a Kids TV Presenter's norks.

EDIT: By all means, grope all you like, but be honest about it!
(SlamDunc loves orange soda..., Sun 6 Apr 2008, 18:57, Reply)

Blood stains?
Shampoo.
Piece of piss.
(TheBoyTucker, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 17:22, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

b3ta
How about changing the QOTW at the same time as the image challenge?
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 15:02, Reply)

Residents near Biggin Hill, Kent
Avoid leaving the landing lights on when you go on holiday.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 21:02, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Gentlemen!
Do you reach your climax (how quaint) well before your lady friend or wife reaches hers?

As you approach the vinegar strokes, try slapping her thigh playfully and screaming 'hurry up!'. I tried it at the weekend and it worked.

Either that or she was so freaked out that she faked it so I'd go and put the kettle on for a nice cup of tea.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 17:46, Reply)

private jet owners visiting friends in Kent
Dont waste valuable time landing in airports, go straight for their back gardens instead.
(Ich Komme is adjusting his testicles, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 2:05, Reply)

Bloodstains
come out a treat with cold tap-water. I learned this after someone threw a rock at my head and I bled all over my best t-shirt.
(Chubster Will kill your children and burn your wife on, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 13:56, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Baby Gender Predictor
Create a shed-load of cash by advertising in those little ads at the back of the News of The World by selling a "Unborn Baby Gender Predictor" for twenty quid with a "Money-Back Guarantee - if you're not satisfied then we'll return the whole cost".

Basically, send the buyers some 7.5p stuff that goes blue when wet and tell the knocked-up mother to piss on it. If it goes blue then you're going to have a boy!

Refund the 51% which are girls (if you're ever asked for the money back).

Pure 45% profit after postage and other shit!

Beautiful.........

(You may get arrested for fraud though, and have to do two years in chokey where big Dave asks every night if you want to be the man or the woman.)
( Fr_Jerry_McGwier looked over both shoulders at, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 3:25, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Bored of Checking the "What would be a good QOTW" thread?
Simply look at the list of previous questions, and add "Part 2" to the original title
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:56, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

bored of Pressing F5?
Don't do it then.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 14:59, Reply)

Want a Cadbury's Creme Egg?
Walk to your nearest paper shop and buy one.

Hee hee.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 14:43, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Women.
The toilet seat is not a complex device: learn how to lower it and bask in your new-found independence.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 14:43, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Men with small penises and low self Esteem
Go to the gym and work out endlessly. The bulges in your shirt will enable you to distract people from the lack of bulge in your crotch.

Alternatively, hide yourself in a big car, safe in the knowledge that 7/10 mindless bimbos will be more intersted in the car than you.

Ignore the people who point and laugh: They're only jealous of your big car.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 14:42, Reply)

Shit Drivers...
Follow the example of Many shit drivers worldwide by helping to warn other road users of your amazing crapulence.

You can do this by Buying a Volvo, or simply sticking a "fish" symbol" to the back of you car.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 14:36, Reply)

Toyota Prius Owners
Simply abrade your bumpers with sandpaper and dent the front wings with a hammer to get that "professional Prius Driver" look.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 14:34, Reply)

Boxers:
Save money on expensive punchbags by simply hitting people instead.
(Slyph, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 3:49, Reply)

Many sets of cutlery have two different sizes.
There's big forks and little forks; big knives and little knives. For main course and dessert, I suppose, if you're posh.

A common mistake is to sort these in your cutlery drawer by having one space for knives and one space for forks.

A far better solution is to have one space for big cutlery and one for little.

This way it's much easier to retrieve a big knife and a big fork, since it's easier to distinguish a knife from a fork than it is to distinguish a big knife from a little knife.
( teedyay, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 1:08, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Make loads of money quickly after spending very little.
hope this hasn't been posted before, but i'm not looking through nearly 50 pages of other 'tips'.
Can't even give credit for this, as I got told it by someone in the pub last night, and can't remember their name.

Buy a pack of those raffle ticket books, and start selling them to people for 2 quid a ticket. At 100 tickets, for 2 quid each you'll soon have a fair few quid.
Tell people that the prize is a pit bike/quad/sit on lawn mower/anything to shift the tickets.
Then on the prize draw date, simply pick a random ticket,that's your 'winner'. give that person their money back for buying it and apologise that the prize got stolen.
Done, quickly rush off to spend your 195 quid profit.
(Mensa Reject has gone out, I'll be back on, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 16:02, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Snowmen Armies
If you want a day off work and it is snowy, the night before build a line of snowmen at the foot of your drive. The next morning you can legitimately phone up work to say you can't get the car out the drive because its blocked with snow (its best if you leave out the "men" part of the description of the problem). Don't laugh. Its how I'm posting from home just now.
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 9:30, Reply)

Convenience
Using a stirrup-pump and a scale model of the Bingley Five Rise Locks, it is possible to take a crap without leaving the comfort of the sofa.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 2:01, Reply)

Students
When people complain that you are layabouts, sponging off the taxpayer, point out that you're already £22,000 in debt and that once you're in a well-paid job because you've got a degree, you'll be paying more tax than they earn in a year.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:51, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Glue
Superglue is not a suitable alternative to lip-balm.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:47, Reply)

pets
A spin-dryer is a good alternative to a centrifuge if you want to turn your house into an astronaut training facility for your pets.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:46, Reply)

Americans
Be content with the fact that you are free to do whatever the government tells you to do.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:43, Reply)

Dressing
Forcing salad cream down your hog's eye is excruciatingly painful.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:33, Reply)

Clowns
Employing a load of clowns to recreate "United Colours of Benetton" ads during a thunderstorm is a cheap and safe alternative to LSD.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:31, Reply)