Don't
Die
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 10:40, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

chocolate hostage
if your like me and your not too keen on sitting on other peoples toilet seats, whether they be scummy public toilets or just not your own, i have developed a habit that i do every time i drop off a chocolate hostage. often in the past i used to resort to the very uncomfortable and unreliable "hover" over the bowl technique, sitting on my hands, laying toilet paper out neatly covering the toilet seat, or just braving the chill factor and just going bare-assed.

i told my mates this and they just laughed but i think its a stroke of genius. simple really... when you pull your trousers down about to take said shit... dont pull your boxers down all the way. you can easily pull your underwear down half way, sit on them and not shit yourself. if you have a penis, like me, you can tuck it under your underwear so it is facing in the bowl. because we all know when you take a shit that little bit of piss comes out too.

it saves time, its comfortable.

im thinking of developing this and going on dragons den with a boxer/toiletseat warmer prototype. although im too scared their just going to poo-poo my idea.
(arse_biscuit, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 15:42, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Four out of five holes in your head are the exact same shape and size as your finger. This is not a coincidence.

( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 21:55, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Preparation H.
HAve the dreaded farmers but don't want to shell out for expensive pile creams? Asda brand aloe-vera bum wet-wipes sprayed with aneasthetic throat-spray does the job just fine when you need it most after trying to extrude a particularly robust turd.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 18:14, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

barbecue
Never cook on a barbecue whilst wearing fucking big Fu-Manchu sleeves
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 17:27, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Don't light up a cigarette
just after spraying your hair with hairspray. Especially if the lighter is set to high.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 20:01, Reply)

When waiting to use a 'hole in the wall' cashpoint, if you join the queue at the back and there are two or more cashpoints but for some reason everyone is queueing for just the one,
step forward past everyone and see if the other/s work, as far too often everyone just assumes the others aren't working and are too proud or scared of looking silly if they try them anyway.

When this occurs you will more often than not be able to jump the queue and then inform the others who were too proud/scared that they can now half their queueing time, although be warned that they will often then get really pissy with you for having jumped the queue to try it, but fuck em, their fault for being so bloody British.
( ..wil, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 11:25, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hospital.
When having to face a colonoscapy, what ever you do, take the anascetic.
(Murran_Butchstansanger Good bye Tony, R.I.P, Sat 25 Oct 2008, 17:57, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

QOTW
When changing the QOTW on a Thursday, try to refrain from leaving a gap of more than half an hour between questions. You might just drive one of your regulars to follow one of the suicide tips.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 23 Oct 2008, 17:35, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Suicide Part 3
If you really have to blow your head off with a shotgun, always look behind you so as not to 'follow-through' and kill an innocent passer-by.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 23 Oct 2008, 12:38, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

People who use the banks in Burkina Faso...
...you might want to avoid flying anywhere without first making an adequate will.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 23 Oct 2008, 12:35, Reply)

Illness
Have a small penis? Don't get Kidney stones, all the operating theatre will laugh at you when you are under the anaesthetic.
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Thu 23 Oct 2008, 5:34, Reply)

Suicide, part 2
If trying to kill yourself with a shotgun, DO NOT place it under your chin, as this will result in you blowing your face off, leading to a slow, painful death, or a lifetime as a blind, hideous freak. Instead, place in inside your mouth, so that the blast will completely destroy your skull.

ps Don't try this if you want an open coffin
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Thu 23 Oct 2008, 5:31, Reply)

Top tip
trying to commit suicide? Don't use Paracetamol. it takes a week to die in agony of Liver failure, during which time you will realize life isn't that bad after all. Instead jump off a cliff, or in front of a high speed locomotive.
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Thu 23 Oct 2008, 5:29, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The fix to the credit crunch crises.
Dont let OAPs dwindle their life hard savings away on old peoples homes, meals on wheels and old spice aftershave. Simply murder them as soon as theyve retired, and keep all their money to yourself. You'll be happy to spend it again and the credit crises will be over in a flash!
The NHS will improve as you'll be taking a huge burdon off them. Road safety will be better, as there will no longer be blind OAPs merging onto motorways at 15mph and better still you can go out without having to worry if your decrepid mum needs the toilet whilst youre away!
(Miggyman, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 22:01, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Nearing retirement? Pension Worries?
Simply murder your spouse or plough your car into a bus shelter full of chavs.

Hey presto!

Three square meals a day, a warm comfortable living space and as much sex as you can handle.
(Harold's hip man!!, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 15:43, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Save your favourite jacket
Don't wear it on the day you're going to accidently overdose


The arms get all cut up to stop you dying
(kristofski6992, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 22:57, Reply)

Bad credit rating?
Feeling the pinch?

Do what I did and fuck off to Dubai.
(Megabop, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 22:42, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Admonished by the girlfriend/boyfriend for perving over someone else?
Simply express their rating as a percentage of your partner, e.g. "that Maggie Gyllenhaal*, she's 93% {partner's name}".

Try it. They'll be so pleased/confused that they are the absolute, any anger will disappear!

*Try other people too, as the same person gets a bit boring after a while. Especially if you forget and vary the rating
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 17:36, Reply)

Credit crunch
Save even more money on toilet paper by crapping at work.

Tot up how much you spend on toilet paper a year. Surprising isn't it?
Plus, if you buy the Tesco Value paper, it has the added benefit of being kinder on your starfish.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 9:29, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Credit Crunch saving tips: Wiping with 1 square of toilet paper.
Believe it or not its actually very possible to wipe your arse with one square of toilet paper. It takes a bit of practice, but the financial benefit makes it worth it. Read on for more...
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 18:03, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Photography Tip
Can't afford a big fancy zoom lens? No problem, just walk a few steps forward instead of zooming in. Similarly walk backwards to zoom out.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 17:31, Reply)

Women.
If whilst driving I let you pull out do not wave thanks at me. Keep both hands on the fucking wheel until you get to your destination thus avoiding even more accidents.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 15:53, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Does the light really turn off?
Is your fridge like Schroedingers Cat? Can't tell if the light is really off because the door is shut?
Try drilling a one inch hole through the door.
(soldinio is counting the hours until, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 13:16, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

This really works, try it.
Forgotten or lost your glasses?
Get a piece of card and put a hole though it with a pin.
Hold it close to your eye and you will find that you can see though this just as well as you can through your glasses.
This works for long or short sighted people.

It really works. I'm -10 and it works for me!
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Mon 20 Oct 2008, 10:42, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Rules for Hull Fair - sorry for lateness.
Sorry this is late as tonight was the last night:

1. Point out how you wouldn't like to live on Walton Street during fair-week.

2. Dismiss any claims that it would be ace because you'd just go out your door and you'd be at fair.

3. Consider that the residents probably get a bonus off the council for the disruption.

4. Insist on having a look round first before doing anything.

5. Mention how they put the prices up as it starts getting busy.

6. Mention how much more expensive it is this year.

7. Say "You can tell it's Hull Fair week, because it's raining"

8. Watch several people get fleeced by pikeys on nigh-on impossible stalls - the hoopla that has a PS3 for a prize for example.

9. Get fleeced by pikeys as you attempt to get cheap darts that are as blunt as a biro-lid to stick into sheet steel with a dartboard drawn on it.

10. Point out to wife/girlfriend that the bloke you see walking about with an enormous stuffed toy hasn't won it by standing up a coke-bottle with a small hoop on a string, but is in fact yet another pikey.

11. Speculate how much loose change must be underneath the rides.

12. Get roped into going on overpriced rides that make you feel ill for the rest of the evening.

13. Say "I'd hate to think what might be in those burgers, and did you see the state of the chip-van?"

14. Buy a burger, a hot-dog and some chips.

15. And a big squeaky inflatable hammer

16. Stock up on candy-floss, nougat, brandy snap, coconuts, pomegranates and bags of sweets.

17. Completely forget that coconuts and pomegranates are a third of the price if you went in Asda instead.

18. Be dismayed when you see the same stuff, but cheaper further along the street, even though you knew they would be.

19. Pay over the odds for the 'F' service buses.

20. Resolve never to go again, as you are now £65 lighter.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 19 Oct 2008, 2:04, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My Christmas Survival Guide
#1: Carol Singers.

Simply put on a skull-cap, walk up to the door singing ‘Hava Nagila’ loudly, and answer the door with a big smile and a cry of ‘Shalom!’.

#2: The Shopping.

You will need a willing accomplice for this. Take one handkerchief and liberally splatter with drops of yellow, green and above all, red food colouring. Then walk around coughing loudly, waving the handkerchief and arguing with your accomplice that ‘No, the doctor didn’t say it was contagious, did he?’.

#3: Presents.

Buy everyone a box of batteries labeled with ‘Gift Not Included’.

#4: Midnight Mass.

Bored of the same old hymns? Start creating your own lyrics and slipping them into familiar songs, a point for each one nobody notices. By the way, ‘Labeled Four Cheeses’ makes a great substitute for ‘Lord Baby Jesus’.

#5: Christmas Dinner.

An easy one this. Just ply everyone with plenty of drinks, ensure that there are plenty of nibbles to hand, and at a strategic point, when everyone is drunk enough, stand up and announce ‘I’ll just do the washing up then’. If you’ve done it right, they’ll all say ‘No, leave it til later, let dinner go down first’.

#6: Not enough ‘specialized’ drinks for cocktails etc.

Stock up before Christmas with plenty of cheap vodka, then just add it to various household liquids for the desired effect. Sugar and instant coffee makes a good substitute for Tia Maria, mouthwash makes an excellent ersatz Crème De Menthe, and a tin of custard provides the perfect advocaat.

#7: Decorating the tree.

Explain how you’re going back to the more traditional ideas this Christmas, and bring a bucket of chicken entrails into the room. Hey presto, plenty of volunteers for decorating the tree, as long as they don’t want to do it with the entrails of course. Though if they do, remember that entrails are biodegradable, ecologically friendly, and the smell will leave the house in a few years anyway.

#8: Arguments over what to watch on the TV.

Kick the screen in. That way, no more TV, no more arguments.

#9: Crap songs on the radio.

For this solution you will need:
1 500ml plastic bottle a quarter full of petrol
1 sack of fertilizer
10 bags of sugar
1 functional mobile phone, fully charged with SIM card and the number
2 wires, approximately 1ft in length each
Some tools, namely a miniature screwdriver set and a set of fine wire-strippers
A roll of electrical tape and a roll of duct tape
An old car, preferably one you wouldn’t mind seeing blown up
The address of the local radio station

Erm, perhaps this one wouldn’t be such a good idea…
(Tyburn Finds the name Lauren Muff inexplicably funny, Sat 18 Oct 2008, 0:36, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Xbox 360
I have just realised that by turning the controller on, the box fires into life as well.
This has saved me need of getting up making me even less healthy..............
You should probably ignore this and get some exercise.
( Gooch Is neither here nor there, Fri 17 Oct 2008, 22:38, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Button pushing
1) Push button (be that a lift, pedestrian crossing etc)
2) Watch light illuminate
3) Machine now knows you are there. Wait patiently and required action will be carried out by machine.
4) Do not push button repeatedly. Refer to point 3.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 17 Oct 2008, 16:50, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Public Farting
Have you ever found yourself in a crowded place with of fear of reprisals should you bequeath unto the world a loud fart of behemoth proportions?

Fear not! Surreptitiously pull your ass cheeks apart and allow the methane to glide silently and uninterrupted through your arse cavity with stealth the SAS can only dream of.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 17 Oct 2008, 12:37, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)