Girls
At work, forgot your tampons? no worries! Just bleed on the chair and pretend you sat on a strawberry.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 3 Feb 2009, 15:49, Reply)

Looks like snow ?
Fucking go to work and stop moaning.
(happyjoy last changed sig on, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 17:19, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

At the petrol pump
Genuine useful tip at the petrol pump.

If you get one of those knackered pump that doesnt give a constant flow then try turning the handle upside down like if you had stretched it over the top of the car from the other side. It will flow perfectly but stop once you have filled you car up like usual.
(lordofallhesurveys How appropriate you fight like a cow, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 12:28, Reply)

Lose a button at the office?
Cut the string off a recloseable interoffice mailer. Bend one leg of a staple tightly over the string, and straighten the other leg. Use the improvised needle and thread to stitch the button back on.

For bonus camouflage on dark garments, color the stitches with a pen.
( Rob T Firefly talked, like, William Shatner, on, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 20:29, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Practical cooking tip.
Store your tins of beans, soup and the like upside down.
This way when you open them there won't be any stuck in the bottom of the tin.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sun 1 Feb 2009, 19:44, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Got access to someone's computer? Want to wind them up?
Right. Get on their computer, close all the applications and return to the desktop. Press 'print screen', open MS Paint and Press Ctrl+V to get an image of the desktop as an image. Save it, go to the Control Panel and set the saved image as the desktop background. Finally, return to the desktop and place all the apps, folders and so on from the desktop in a single folder. Hey presto! All the desktop icons will remain visually, but be completely unclickable! I've known some IT specialists who've been completely flummoxed by this as there's technically nothing wrong with the machine.

I find it helps (as in, doesn't help much at all) if you name the image of the desktop used in this stunt, "Yeah, I know I'm a cunt".
(katmandoo was born snapped, Sun 1 Feb 2009, 0:31, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Depressed?
Spend time in mindless servitude to cats.
Theres no science behind it, I just find that it works.

Also never wear a scene of crime suit with nothing underneath, its cold and extremely noticeable.
(fruit_larceny is some kind of communist superman, Sat 31 Jan 2009, 23:14, Reply)

On the urge to spend.
Save your money, then buy whatever it is you're looking to purchase. So many people would be in better shape if they had some patience instead of sticking things on the credit card.

Getting a car? Spend less for a few months and pick up something after you've got at least 50% of the cash on you already. New computer? Squirrel something away every week for a while and get it later. It'll be more powerful and probably cheaper if you wait a month or two anyway.

And always try to make sure you have some spare cash in a savings account in case of unexpected problems (like breaking a leg, or having some uninsured twat crashing into you).
(Scritty Bakerman., Sat 31 Jan 2009, 15:00, Reply)

CEO's of American Banks.
Run your company into the ground and help yourself to billions of dollars of taxpayers' money. You can use this money to restructure your company or buy a new company jet.....
(The Stig, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 22:34, Reply)

Notwork Rail
Why don't you try repairing the fucking points that always fail just outside Stratford every cockmunching morning, while I stand in a packed, unhygienic train moving at 0.137mph, waiting to clear a backlog that everyone knows is going to be there 24 hours in advance.

It's not as though you're short of a bob or two is it...

You inept, donkey-raping cunts.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 30 Jan 2009, 16:03, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Turning one of those numbing condom inside out
allows you to have quickie without needing to wake your significant other.
( Holly Would long wheel based tranny, Wed 28 Jan 2009, 21:31, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Do Not Ever
Make your own Arab Strap out of elastic bands.
I have just had the end result described to me and I had to cross my legs in sympathy.
It sounds FUCKING painful.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 28 Jan 2009, 11:10, Reply)

Annoy your friends
The IT savvy might already know this but..

Ctrl Alt Down arrow turns your screen upside down. Annoy collegues while they're at lunch.

Ctrl Atl Up fixes it.

Edit. Doesnt seem to work on laptops annoyingliy.
(Panda_Pop, Tue 27 Jan 2009, 22:47, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Credit crunch top tip.
Buy Eye of Judgement from Game for £20.

Sell it to HMV for £25.

Works, I just did it.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 27 Jan 2009, 22:23, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

checking the time
put down any hot cups of tea/coffee before looking at your watch.
(knackerz is skinning up, Tue 27 Jan 2009, 7:43, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Hey man!
Next time you have a problem with your steak -
SPEAK THE FUCK UP!!!!

DON'T sit there and eat the whole thing
DON'T tell us AFTER you've finished it that it was cold/not rare enough/too gristly when it is not possible for that cut to have gristle, or too fatty.

Don't pick on the smallest shyest waitress to make her night miserable just because you're a miserable fucking cunt yourself.

And Don't EVER do all of that - then show up the next night acting like nothing has happened. I'll spit in your fucking coffee next time you do that.

/end rant.

sorry for the caps - am just very tired and annoyed by cunty mingewipes who pose as customers.
(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 25 Jan 2009, 13:47, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Dirty/Mouldy Tile Grout
Make your tile grout shine like new by painting over it with tipex!
(Biopyro, Sat 24 Jan 2009, 23:07, Reply)

shopping
Use tyre-kicking when buying other products. Such as enter a clothes shop and kick the display mannaequins in the shins.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 24 Jan 2009, 0:48, Reply)

Used cars
Piss off used car salesmen by entering the car-lot and instead of kicking tyres, kick the door-mirrors off the cars instead.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 24 Jan 2009, 0:47, Reply)

How to survive life
1. Never ever, even as a joke, call a woman Fat.
2. Never ever, even as a joke, call a woman a c**t,
3. Don't take fish & chips to a job interview
(Dr Fishfinger Want's to see a fat man give a tit wank, Fri 23 Jan 2009, 15:55, Reply)

Always have safe sex
Never give out your phone number afterwards!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 16:42, Reply)

Installing games on to Xbox 360 hard drive
I have owned my elite for nearly 6 months and only found out yesterday I can Install games onto the hard drive.
This seems to aid loading times and also stops the hideous noises coming out of the drive whilst playing.

I really should read the manuals more in future.
( Gooch Is neither here nor there, Wed 21 Jan 2009, 11:04, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Work in Catering?
Rob Blue Roll from work and you'll never have to buy bog roll, for at least 2 weeks.
(PassTheKhat, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 2:53, Reply)

Caucasion? Paint your testicles brown...
And pretend they are large raisins. Not caucasian? Skip step 1.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 0:58, Reply)

Sexing your bird on the first date?
Ask before you spit in her mouth to avoid embarrassing situations.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 0:56, Reply)

Searching for a particular QOTW post?
Infuriated with the results you get from the b3ta search engine?

Use google site search instead

As a bonus, each result* links to the top-level posting (or page) which puts the result in context. Use your browser's 'Find' feature to quickly locate the post on the page.

*Unfortunately not every post gets indexed by Google
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 7:59, Reply)

Want to get rid of your hiccups?
Had too much Absinthe and the hiccups are burning you from the inside?

Simply throw up!

Works like a charm.

I'd recommend doing it in the dark though, it doesn't look pretty.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 10:25, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Work toilets
Actually share many of the same features as the toilets outside of your place of work.
Such as a handle for flushing and a seat that lifts.
( Weejock, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 9:36, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Wasabi and buttplugs don't mix
.
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Wed 14 Jan 2009, 13:51, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Rail companies
Here's a radical suggestion.

For one day at least why don't you try and be not shit? You almost managed not to be shit last Thursday, but this oversight was quickly remedied and normal "standards" of piss poor service and value for money were achieved.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 14 Jan 2009, 9:26, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)