Mouth painting artists
try painting with your hands, it's much easier.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 9:32, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Don't fart
while you're being "tromboned". For some reason many women find this off-putting.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Tue 12 Jan 2010, 21:00, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Mum:
I'm on the third year of my music technology degree - I know how to work the fucking Hi-fi 'without breaking it'.

That is all.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Mon 11 Jan 2010, 21:28, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Ladies, fed up with doing the vacuuming?
Simply buy a Dyson.
It has so many 'bells and whistles' that you husband will decide it counts as a gadget and start using it.

Then when ever you want the vacuuming done just get the Dyson out and start using it. Your husband will be worried that you might damage it so he'll appear and take over.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sun 10 Jan 2010, 15:33, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Gentlemen; Convince your neighbours that your dog is a genius
by pissing the word "WOOF" into the snow on your front lawn
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 7 Jan 2010, 16:27, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

In this shitty icy weather
Superglue a load of drawing pins, point-side-down, to the bottom of your shoes to make an effective, stylish, and practical snowshoe. Then you can skip home without slipping on your arse and breaking your fucking neck.

And as a bonus, if the rough kid from the housing estate you walk past starts lobbing slushy ice at you, you can retaliate with a shoey spikey weapon of death to his mongtastic, astonished face.

And if you miss the first time you've always got a spare.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 7 Jan 2010, 16:17, Reply)

Here's a fucking "top tip" for you
Save money on buying Viz for £2.75 a month just wait until the end of the year and buy the annual from the bargain bucket for £1.50 before it goes to get pulped.

From Drop Box
(xwoody01, Wed 6 Jan 2010, 18:43, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

One for ITV bosses
Get rid of shite programs like "60 Minute Makeover" and plonk them onto ITV4, then stick re-runs of "The A Team" back on.

What a difference an hour makes....
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 6 Jan 2010, 15:56, Reply)

Very useful!
If you find all your conversational titbits are coming from episodes of QI, try reading a book.

I sincerely hope this social phenomenon is confined to my personal experience, however.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Wed 6 Jan 2010, 14:03, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Boost your immune system
by only doing a half-arsed job of cleaning the kitchen.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 6 Jan 2010, 12:28, Reply)

Chip shop owners - take advantage of the 'snow and chaos'
by using you surplus salt stock to effectively melt your way to the nearest store, bank or post office which was hastily closed due to a little snow and then rob it - it's not like you're going to get chased is it?
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Wed 6 Jan 2010, 2:52, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

This is a genuine tip
Old people, avoid slipping on snow and ice by putting socks on over your shoes. It might seem silly, but so's a broken hip etc
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 5 Jan 2010, 15:23, Reply)

Guarantee yourself a "Snow Day"
by sneaking out at 3am and hosing all the grit from your road.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 5 Jan 2010, 13:38, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Door to door loft insulation salesmen
Avoid knocking on every door in the street by looking at the roof of the property first. Those houses with considerably less snow on the roof will invariably be lacking in the loft insulation department.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 5 Jan 2010, 13:03, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Unexplainable stomach pain??
If you have stomach pain and deem a trip to the Hospital appropriate,
the doctors will more than likely suggest a colonoscopy and an endoscopy.


For god sakes, make sure you have the endoscopy first!!
(Funkwomble XBL and PSN DangerBoy73, Tue 5 Jan 2010, 6:39, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Ladies, when breaking up with him ...
... at least have the decency to tell him he is 'well-equipped'.
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 22:05, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

When making pastry...
run your wrists under the cold tap for 5 minutes before working with it. The cold water cools the blood going into your hands. Also, use your fingertips as they wont melt the butter in the mixture because they will be the coldest part of your hand.
( RossThePiper Stretch Armstrong is my Father, Sat 2 Jan 2010, 12:53, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

New Years Eve
Check to see if your local operator is running a night-bus schedule in your area. We got the 2am bus home this morning, for £2 each. Rather than a taxi that would've set us back about £15.

and there was a later bus at 3am.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 1 Jan 2010, 12:08, 9 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Up to something....
Well stop! Now! Just no! Don't! Ever! Get a grip for heavens sake.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Thu 31 Dec 2009, 15:29, Reply)

Pregnant?
Resist the urge to put the ultrascan as your Facebook page. If you miscarry, you won't look as silly.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 31 Dec 2009, 1:03, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

New bird?
Try not to farting when she has her hand in your arse pocket.
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Wed 30 Dec 2009, 19:11, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Council road and street gritters
Why not have some time off this Christmas?
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 18:55, Reply)

Free Car Rental Upgrades
When renting a car, find out how late you can be before the reservation is cancelled, and what time they close. If they grant an hour grace, and close at 6:00pm, reserve the smallest cheapest car for 5:00pm. Then, show up at 5:55pm, and ask for your car. All of the smallest cheapest cars will be gone, as they get scooped througout the day by frugal travellers. They may initially suggest you pay for an upgrade subtally (not letting you know that they don't have anny tiny cars left). Tell them you want the smaller car for gas mileage, hatchback etc. Then they will appologize, and give you a free upgrade.

Or, they will tell you to feck off.
(macdumpy, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 14:53, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Snow melting too quickly?
Find your nearest Psoriasis Support Group and introduce a swarm of angry wasps. All that flailing around is bound to produce a wonderful blizzard effect. Happy skin-man building!
(smithe-ingelby-smithe, Wed 23 Dec 2009, 11:10, Reply)

If it has been snowing heavily
and providing it's about 9pm on a Saturday evening, find an excuse to visit Asda (or any other supermarket with a large carpark). Because of the weather and that the store will be closing within the hour, the carpark will be practically empty. This gives you ample opportunity to fuck about in the fresh snow doing handbrake turns, drifting, j-turns and the like which is guaranteed to make you look the coolest dad ever in front of your teenage kids.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 20 Dec 2009, 0:59, Reply)

People wrapping presents for Christmas.
Hoard any old kitchen- or toilet-roll tubes, and before you wrap the presents stuff the tubes with newspaper til they're solid and sticky-tape them firmly to whatever you're wrapping.
The unusually shaped present will cause your friends and relatives to think you've got them something unusual and exotic and it will keep them guessing right up until they unwrap the inevitable pair of socks or Lynx deodorant/shower gel set.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Fri 18 Dec 2009, 19:05, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

When walking to work through the snow,
confuse potential stalkers by wearing clown shoes and dragging a stick behind you.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 18 Dec 2009, 14:21, Reply)

bosses
Avoid your staff striking by treating them with a little less contempt.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 18 Dec 2009, 14:06, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

staff
Do you work for a very large company? Are your company not doing too well in the current recession? Perhaps even running at a loss?

If you are going to be selfish despite still having a job (unlike the thousands who are currently out of work due to said recession) and are planning on showing your appreciation by attempting to stage a strike to ensure your company loses even more money, and ruin some peoples Christmases while your at it; then at least ballot current employees, not those recently made redundant who may possibly be ever so slightly biased.
(TheColonel, Fri 18 Dec 2009, 10:12, Reply)

bosses
Are you the boss of a very large company earning the sort of money that is akin to the national debt of a small African Nation? Do you want your staff to work more hours for no extra gain? Worried they might go on strike to show what an (in the Irish prime ministers words) “evil, manipulating and self centered turd” you are?

Fear no more, the British legal system with it multiple loopholes will bail you out. But heed my Christmas warming; there is no such thing as a free lunch.

A little part of me died today.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 21:55, Reply)