Huddersfield farmers
Displaying a huge 'vote conservative' sign in your field so close to a student village is likely to lead to Magenta coloured vandalism.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 16:24, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you ever need insoles in a hurry
panty liners are perfect; they stick down, absorb sweat and you can cut them to the right size.

Just make sure you're not going on a plane, it can be embarrassing when you have to take your shoes off for the security to look in!
(mellocakes has a special fondness for chickpeas, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 11:36, Reply)

Tanning Enthusiasts
Save money on expensive fake tan by just eating sweet potatoes every day for some time. Voilà - lovely orange-hued skin! It seems to work; in her book "The Human Experiment", about life in Biosphere 2, Jane Poynter writes about how they ate so many sweet potatoes their skin turned orange.
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 11:09, Reply)

Have you got an annoying cut?
Like a slice or a carpet burn-type?

Squeeze some lemon in your eye. Also works on headaches.

This tip was accidentally discovered by yours truly.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Fri 16 Apr 2010, 2:31, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Want to do something foolish whilst in another country?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmDPJPHZcLM
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 16 Apr 2010, 1:32, Reply)

In an argument with your wife/girlfriend/other female
When they've finished their rant and are refusing to listen to your side, just mutter 'zygote'. That way you can have the last word.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 15 Apr 2010, 15:15, Reply)

Terrorists!
Want to grind the UK to a halt? Don't bother trying to ignite your shoes or smuggle a bottle of Evian through the security checks. Just set off a volcano or two.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 15 Apr 2010, 12:34, Reply)

Having problems with sobriety?
Drink more alcohol.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 15 Apr 2010, 12:00, Reply)

running low on fuel?
buy some petrol.
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Thu 15 Apr 2010, 1:16, Reply)

Are your bills demanding too much bread?
Simply get smaller ducks.
(Arsenic, Fri 13 Jul, 2:73 and, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 6:33, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Make women have screaming orgasms every time...
by poking them in the eye just as they cum.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 22:27, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Try taking a fifteen minute break every couple of hours away from your computer.
Walk around the block, grab a coffee, go have a conversation with someone or just read the paper.

This will increase concentration, decrease eyestrain, headaches and stress and make generally you more productive. This is why it is written in to UK Health and Safety law.

So please: take your breaks and stop bitching about smokers.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:00, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Ladies
Follow Zero.Coke's advice in regard to the opposite sex.
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 21:25, Reply)

gentlemen
when courting a lady, do check in advance that she is not a vacuous, shallow, feeling less, money obsessed bi-polar disorder sufferer. You will save yourselves much time and effort.
(zero.coke, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 19:26, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Just fuggin' do it,
you might very well be dead tomorrow.
(SarcasticBunny pfft, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:08, Reply)

Barack Obama's stimulus package
Is not a euphemism for his big willy
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:49, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Ducks:
Quack quackity quack quack quack, quack quack quack, quack quacky quacky quack-quack! QOL.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 13:21, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Fuckin' summat or other
'N 'ev...
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Mon 5 Apr 2010, 23:13, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Building a time-machine
and going back to when you were 13 in order to wank yourself off lets you know what it would feel like to be gay, straight and a paedophile all at the same time.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 2:16, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Ladies, giving blow jobs
makes you more attractive.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 2:09, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Ladies, hate giving blowjobs?
Marry him.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Sat 3 Apr 2010, 19:47, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Save money on your food
By simply stealing all your groceries.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shoplifting
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 3 Apr 2010, 12:26, Reply)

Asda
Don't be ridiculous in claiming you can get 11 servings from a 500g box of "Maple & Pecan Crunch". I measured out 45g into a bowl and it looked pitiful. Bear in mind that at breakfast, people haven't eaten in maybe upto 12 hours.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 17:42, Reply)

If you plan on swapping the Pull/Push signs on the doors at work for an April Fools Joke.
Don't forget your friggin screwdriver.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 10:36, Reply)

April Fools day
Is the perfect opportunity for indecisive homosexuals to come out of the closet.
( Willwillwritehiswill An arse like a slapped face., Thu 1 Apr 2010, 10:26, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

It appears that
too many bum rapes makes your mummy hotter.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 14:18, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

It also appears that
too many bum grapes can make a bunny rotten.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 6:40, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

It appears that
too many grapes make for a runny bottom
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 22:54, Reply)

Looking at a window, generally speaking, does not give it focus.
Careful with that delete key.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 16:31, Reply)