Reheating frozen rice
For the love all that is thunder cunting holy do not reheat rice that has been frozen after cooking. That is unless you like violently defecating your undercrackers and projectile vomiting simultaneously, this will not stop unless you starve yourself for nearly 2 days. Good weight loss solution though, shit yourself thin.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Sun 16 May 2010, 19:32, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Keyboard shortcut
Pushing the Home key takes you to the top of the webpage.
Pushing the End takes you to the bottom of a webpage.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Sat 15 May 2010, 20:44, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Wine
does not make a good lubricant, under any circumstances. Neither does Bailey's
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Thu 13 May 2010, 23:26, 9 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Do not under any circumstances
get contact dermatitis from poison ivy. IT FUCKIN SUCKS!!! I itch, i scratch, I swell, I cry, I moan, I whine. Just stay away from it. At all costs.

please
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Wed 12 May 2010, 4:21, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

refuse collection
Forgotten to put your bin out for collection? Simply wheel your full bin out and replace it for one of the empty bins left in the street. Remember though the window of opportunity is small as more people come to collect their bins.

This works best if the bins are unmarked with house-numbers, painted odd colours or carry any other identifying marks and preferably if you live in an area where your house is set back from the road.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:11, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Make sure the curtains are fully closed....
before commencing your wank/sexy time/naked breakdancing/yoga.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Sat 8 May 2010, 2:02, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

do you work with/around people?
If so be nice. If you aren't being paid to be nice, then I hope you're getting a bonus for being a dick.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 6 May 2010, 18:28, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you lose the rubber tips for your in-ear headphones
simply slice a stoned black olive in half, and use that instead.
( krang, Thu 6 May 2010, 16:18, Reply)

Women
If you are feeling a little insecure about your weight, find a convienient construction site and get your tits out.

You'll get plenty of support and encouragement
(schrodingers cat now you see me, or not, Thu 6 May 2010, 8:13, Reply)

Car Keys
You know the little "fuck batteries" that gave car loving cunts (back before they were affordable) the ability to open the car doors at a flick in pocket, if your car is over 6 years old, tell the cunts who charge you a fortune for an service oil change to replace the battery in your key.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Tue 4 May 2010, 19:33, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Are you peddling a bogus health supplement?
Everyone's heard of the placebo effect, so you can't ignore that when explaining your results, but have you heard of confounding variables or regression artifacts? Neither has Joe Q. Public!

Say you do a study into something that's supposed to cure depression, that'll attract really depressed people having a problem with their condition right? Well, they'll probably be at a particularly low point when they come to you, and they might start feeling better independently over the course of the study, because that's how moods work. That's a regression artifact and you can ignore it freely!

Heck, there's a wealth of statistical and experimental problems that can skew results, and that you don't need to report, why not not bother looking them up yourself? Happy scamming!
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Sun 2 May 2010, 16:30, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

When contemplating inserting your conveniently penis shaped can of deoderant into your person
tape the top on first to avoid a long and uncomfortable visit to A&E.

http://www.b3ta.com/board/10026773 for inspiration...
( ..wil, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 20:38, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Pianists
Get that authentic Stockhausen sound by attaching muscle-toner pads to your forearms before sitting down to play.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 0:00, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Lengthier stories on QOTW seem a bit daunting?
Simply make your browser window tall and thin as to allow the text to be in a coloumn format.

This makes the post look more like a page of a book and psycologically easier to digest.

(well, it helps me!)
( Bobod Perpetually following through, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 23:42, 7 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you want some nice new furniture
Don't use these guys www.designerworks.co.uk/ your stuff never turns up, they never return calls, when you do get someone on the phone they tell lie after lie about why it never arrived and eventually after taking 2 days off work and 4 consecutive weekends waiting in as they "dispatched it yesterday it will be with you before midday", they claim not to have any record of payment. They claimed they had sent a £50 cheque as compensation if we just waited one more week. one week later, no cheque, waited in and no delivery. No apology, no explanation, just lies, they've now said they have sent a cheque for a full refund. A cheque? Why not refund the card we paid on? What's the betting the cheque doesn't show up?
( Peej, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 16:58, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

When staining your newly laid decking, Under no circumstances should you start at the outside and work your way inwards. You will end up stranded dead centre whilst your neigbours snigger, and all you will be able to do for 90 or so minutes is pretend you are some sort of pirate marooned on a desert island.
Or so I hear.
(Screwloose Ate his hat on, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 23:04, Reply)

Making toast?
Ensure you butter both sides of the toasted bread so that when you inevitably drop said toast on floor, you still have an edible side.
( DeadEyeDick, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:53, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Had a barbecue?
If you cannot resist pratting about with the glowing embers afterwards, then just blast the charcoal with bellows/bike pump. Yes it might blow the ash about but you get some satisfying flurries of sparks.

On no account stick the remains of a large candle on to see how quickly it melts. Although it doesn't melt as quickly as you'd expect, it does produce more smoke than your average Buncefield Oil Refinery that will fill your garden and neighbouring gardens with thick white smoke.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 14:21, Reply)

looking for a nice bed and breakfast in Oxford?
avoid the Old Black Horse, they are thieving cunts
( zulu eh?, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 13:51, 9 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

have you bought a fancy new grill?
Buy a fancy new grill cover or your fancy new grill won't be worth shit after a few rains. Then you're out $115 or 230 pounds for you brits.

(I know it's not that big of an exchange, I'm exaggerating)
Edit: I'm an idiot. I meant about 50 pounds. It was flip-flopped in mah head.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 1:43, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

jacking off not quite enough anymore?
Buy a shake weight. Use only with your "whackin' arm" and after only a week, your dick won't be able to take it.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sat 24 Apr 2010, 17:35, Reply)

If you are throwing up uncontrollably
Do not go grocery shopping.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sat 24 Apr 2010, 17:29, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Freak out someone you've just met...
By googling their name and seeing what you can dig up. Then casually drop it into conversation.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 21:39, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

My local dump is a good one
*hits a metal dustbin and lid.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 14:39, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Men! Show her who's boss! Get a large keyring
and shove onto it every key you've ever been issued, had cut or picked up in the bastard street.

Then you can impress her at 2am on the doorstep by sorting drunkenly through them for the right key, occasionally stabbing the general area of the keyhole with one.

She'll try to shove past you, impotently waving her single key and whingeing that she's dying for the bog.

You'll look soooo important.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 21 Apr 2010, 18:28, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Do you want better service from your pharmacy?
Then know what medications you are currently taking instead of thinking I'm a fucking telepath.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Tue 20 Apr 2010, 21:10, 10 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Stop apologising for "long" posts.
I came here to read stuff and waste time. Two hundred words does not an essay make.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Tue 20 Apr 2010, 17:06, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Homer Simpson Head style slippers
whilst highly fashionable and warm as a freshly buttered piece of toast, have limited friction on laminate/parquet flooring, and WILL result in you landing flat on your arse looking like a cunt.

So I hear.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Tue 20 Apr 2010, 14:17, Reply)

felt

( Sunshine Elephant, Tue 20 Apr 2010, 11:29, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

A way to improve blowjobs
Make a fist with your left hand, squeeze your left thumb, then put your right index finger down your throat. NO GAG REFLEX.
(Twinx, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 23:18, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)