want a drink of cold water
but can't be arsed to wait for it to cool down in the fridge. Fill a water bottle, stick a good few ice cubes in and give it a good shake. The ice being mixed up in the water will lower the temperature quicker than just putting the water in the fridge or even in the freezer.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 15:57, 14 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

In a similar vein to not switching on a light if you smell gas
if the light is already on, do not switch it off. It is the little arc inside the switch that appears when a circuit is made or broken that can ignite the gas. The best advice, if it is safe to do so, is to open all your windows and find your gas meter, which will have a shut-off valve to allow the supply to be cut off
( parttimedogfish is a Born-Again Reincarnationist, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 15:32, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Cards
Save money by purchasing cards which fit in standard envelopes and have removable inserts to write on. That way you can re-use the card but with a different message. I've done this to my wife twice (not on purpose, simply due to forgetfulness when it comes to anniversary or Valentine's) and she still hasn't noticed.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 9:42, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Husbands...
If you're buyin an anniversary card for your wife, and you don't want to get a sickly sweet 'world's best wife' style card, make sure you read the message inside.

Almost all of them say 'to you both' inside.

However there is a way around it. If you do the same thing Year in, year out it'll become a cutesy joke shared between yourselves. It also means you don't have to look that hard for a card because of the first point.
(Benjimawoo, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 17:36, Reply)

Police!
Make yourselves more efficient by spending more time out on the streets catching criminals and less time on the beat.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 8:32, Reply)

Go and put a glass of water in the fridge right now.
You WILL enjoy it in half an hour, and it's healthier than cola etc.
( Thrill_My_Chinchilla is old and unimproved, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 22:01, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Want Surround Sound but don't want to fork out on expensive speakers?
Simply put another TV behind your couch, and tune it in to the same program, et voila.
(Lannes, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 20:57, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Pocket full of MASSIVE DRUGZ?
Afraid John Law is eyeing you up?


Walk over and ask him for directions. This seemingly innocuous request will convince him that you are innocent of all crimes. Alternatively he will deduce that only a drugrunner of MASSIVE BALLS would attempt such a thing, and shy away from arresting you.
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Sun 27 Jun 2010, 11:37, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Elton John & Bernie Taupin in the Eighties.
When writing the song 'I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues', try and include an explanation of why they call it the blues. The song doesn't really make sense without one.
(Monkey Tennis isn't Spartacus, Sun 27 Jun 2010, 5:40, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you buy a new digital camera
Take a photograph of your contact details - that way if you lose it and it's found by A Nice Person, they might think to check, and if so will be able to get in touch.

(Alternatively, if you already have a digital camera, delete all your photos and do the above).
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Sat 26 Jun 2010, 15:36, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Amaze and astound your guests at your next house party...
by filling up condoms with water and popping a goldfish or two inside. For added shizzle throw in a glowstick and use as night lights along pathways or badly lit stairwells.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 0:46, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Don't shit on your own doorstep.
I did it once and it smells.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 0:42, Reply)

Friends
Ring your other mates up if there's a problem and talk it through - even better meet up and discuss over a friendly pint. Do not send a 58 line long passive-aggressive Facebook message which ignores all of your own shortcomings.
(hating swallows is 20 yards from the nearest Jaffa cake, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 13:59, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Are you a male in your early twenties that regularly enjoys a few drinks at the pub?
Then under no circumstances should you ever make the decision to go to the pub, but to drive and not drink....

..Last night a woman tried to force-feed me sambucca, knowing that i had my car outside (I have a zero tolerance attitude toward drink-driving). I went home shortly after. Totally ruined what was already a dissapointing night watching England play....football was it?
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sat 19 Jun 2010, 10:05, Reply)

Parents
Don't bother hoovering up peas or couscous until the day after your toddler drops them on the floor. This way they will dry out and be easily vacuumed instead of being soft and mashing into the carpet. This is actually a great excuse for giving up hoovering all together.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Sat 19 Jun 2010, 6:36, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Parents
Give your kids lots of cola and sweets before going out, to make sure you get full value from your babysitter
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Sat 19 Jun 2010, 6:34, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

If you know you're going to break up with someone....
You may as well try your luck and get some freaky sex shit going on before you dump them...
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 16 Jun 2010, 22:38, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Avoid confusion over whether to use "a" or "an"
...before words like "historic" or acronyms like HTML, by always adding the word "fucking" after the indefinite article.

"This is a fucking historic occasion".

"I need a fucking HTML expert".
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 16 Jun 2010, 15:27, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you have runny poos,
just make your custard using arrowroot instead of cornflour. It will be really really stringy and gloopy, almost like a gum, and very difficult to spoon, but it will be edible and tasty. And at least your arse will be bunged up!
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 16 Jun 2010, 13:08, Reply)

When reading a book,
tear out each page once you've read it. This way, you wont need a bookmark and the book will become much lighter.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 15 Jun 2010, 17:11, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you are out of cornflour for making custard,
don't use arrowroot. It will make edible and tasty custard, but said custard will be really really gloopy and stringy, almost like a gum. Very difficult to spoon!
( Bob Todd whee, Tue 15 Jun 2010, 10:57, Reply)

Buzzkill
Be careful if you are watching lots of world cup football. You may become desensitised to buzzing noises leaving you open to attack from irate bees.
(RainKing What do I put here then?, Tue 15 Jun 2010, 0:08, Reply)

Sex Doll....
Fill your inflatable doll with helium.

That way, you still get the thrill of the chase.
(dchurch bah, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 21:19, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

World Cup blues ?
Not enough football on the Telly ? Feeling down when you hit the 45 minute wait for the next game to begin ? Get that authentic world cup sensation by putting an electric toothbrush in your mouth turning it on and walking around the house as normal, it's the authentic vuvuzela soundtrack to your life.
(Smellyape liking http://www.b3ta.com/bpma/, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 9:45, Reply)

Makers of Corsodyl:
make an "apple flavour" version so that alcoholics can save money by drinking White Diamond cider instead of Creme De Menthe.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Sun 13 Jun 2010, 2:14, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Alcoholics:
An empty Corsodyl bottle makes an ideal camoflaged hipflask for taking Creme De Menthe to work, and even has a handy plastic shot glass.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Sun 13 Jun 2010, 2:13, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

BBC
Save money by not producing a local news programme for London. Just encourage them to watch the main bulletin as thats the only place that you ever seem to cover you capitalcentric twats.

The money saved can then be spunked on something else fucking pointless no doubt.
(RainKing What do I put here then?, Sat 12 Jun 2010, 11:58, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Know any good places to eat in Edinburgh?
Feel free to GAZ me them as I'll be spending the night there this Thursday
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 8 Jun 2010, 21:46, 14 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If an email sent to an own domain (i.e. not a free webmail or an ISP-provided email address),
say, [email protected] (I do hope that's not a real domain name; I daren't check at work), doesn't work, try sending it to [email protected] instead. A lot of web hosts make you get a 'postmaster' address if you have the domain name with them too, so you know it won't bounce. Useful to know if you were given the wrong spelling of the first bit by someone sausage-fingered and you can't work out the correct spelling (like if it's someone's unusual name).

Actually, this is probably a bit esoteric, but it did come in useful today. Address given was [email protected], it bounced, [email protected] didn't.
( Bob Todd whee, Tue 8 Jun 2010, 13:55, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you're ever in Trondheim, Norway
try the Moon Asian Cooking restaurant close to the Scandic Solsiden hotel. Web address is below. Up the road they'll charge you a tenner for a kebab and a coke. Moon will charge you £15 a head for all you can eat fantastic pan-asian stuff, and they speak amazing English and Norwegian. Did I mention they're really friendly too?

www.moonrestaurant.no/

After being priced out of everywhere else, finding their 155 NOK all-you-can-eat was an absolute life saver.
( Bats, Mon 7 Jun 2010, 20:51, Reply)