Imaginary Troll
Used to drive over a toll bridge every weekend with my daughter near Oxford after collecting her from her mothers house.
She was 3 years old and into fairy stories and I told her that the statue in the garden near the bridge was there because the troll that lives under the bridge had turned someone to stone.
Five years on we passed over the bridge again after not taking that route for some years, she looked up at the sign and said calmly and rather disdainfully "they've spelled Troll wrong dad"
(hirudo, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:21, 2 replies)

The restaurant I recently started working in has 2 kitchens.
One upstairs, one downstairs for prep. This kitchen is right under the staircase to the upstairs. Every day I've worked in the prep kitchen, I feel like the troll under the bridge.

Reason #78 why I love my new job.
( Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:15, Reply)

Confessions of a troll
Hello QoTW, I've a confession to make. I am a troll.

I've been trolling on and off for about 4 years on b3ta and over that time I've learnt a few tricks, which I'd like to share with you so that you can either troll people yourself or avoid being trolled.

1. Be economical.
As a troll you need to get maximum impact from the fewest number of posts. Every post that you make dilutes your impact and allows greater opportunities for white-knights and other trolls to pick away at your trolling.
Think Commando rather than siege. People will become aware of being trolled or tire of an existing troll more quickly if you post a lot.
Keep it brief, keep it to the point. Maximise your impact.

2. Pick your battles.
Similarly, there's no point trolling everyone, all the time. Good targets are isolated people who aren't particularly well-liked or intelligent. There is no point locking horns with an attractive, intelligent person (not that any exist on the internet) unless you've got a really good angle. Unless you've got some killer material or there are no white-knights around, avoid targeting all but the most chunky girls.

3. Be polite.
Never, ever throw the first stone. The most infuriating way to troll someone is to make them look unreasonable, whilst being totally unreasonable yourself. A good strategy is to feign moral outrage at something they've posted, ensuring that they insult you back and then criticise them for being rude. This is entry level fare but is remarkably effective. This depends on your patter. Spelling mistakes are an absolute no-no for this type of trolling.

4. If you can't be polite, be funny.
Once you've engaged your target(s) in a pointless argument where you look to be in a better position than them and you can't keep it clean, switch to insults which are genuinely interesting. Its all well and good to call someone a cunt but to really get up their nose, pick something which will make other people laugh, this is devastating. The absolute ideal scenario for a troll is to have people bitching at you and everyone else laughing at your replies. Going completely over the top is perfectly acceptable. A classic strategy is to find a photograph of your target and draw a massive cock on their face. Works like a charm.

5. Never apologise.
Never, ever, ever. at least not sincerely. This totally undermines the troll. Similarly, you should have no regrets about trolling someone. Troller's remorse is not something which should ever be entertained.

6. Don't look like a troll.
If you can do all of the above without other people calling you out as a bare-faced troll, the world is yours.

Some Recommended Trolling Strategies (see how many you can spot)
* find a story on QOTW which is obvious a lie. Point out in laborious detail all the problems you have with the story in such a way that the OP thinks you might be able to be convinced. String them along for a few posts before ridiculing them as a bullshitter. Tears will be shed.
* Pretend to hold an extremely contrary view to someone else, continue to post straw-man arguments at them until they bite before ridiculing their view using much stronger well reasoned arguments. a bit laborious, but very effective on a certain type of poster.
* Draw a crap cartoon of someone.
* Pretend to be outraged at something. Pretend to be deeply upset when people accuse you of being uppity. This works as a good opener to getting an OP to agree with you before mocking them. Hard to pull off effectively.
*Create new threads which indirectly imply a point of view contrary to that held by most people without actually stating that. Point out that everyone jumped to that conclusion without any evidence of it. Useful if playing a race or gender card.
*Create an annoying meme.
*Create multiple user accounts.
*Pretend to be a girl.
*Link back to stupid things people have said in the past. Requires Dedication (see Amorous Badger).
( WormuIus, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:01, 59 replies)

Wrestling's.....
....NOT......FAKE!!!!
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 20 May 2011, 13:53, Reply)

HORSE IS A ALIEN
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 20 May 2011, 13:10, 4 replies)

Back when I was a bit of cunt
I used to troll the code base of a major UK ISP by naming variables solely in Welsh or French, taking obfuscation to its next logical level.

I'm not proud. Not hang on, I am a little bit, I won't lie.
( rofl harris, Fri 20 May 2011, 13:09, 6 replies)

50% (at least) of QOTWers are incapable of understanding a simple question.
It's not 'try to troll the QOTW board'.

Although i do believe I have just shifted myself firmly into that 50% now, oh well.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 20 May 2011, 12:58, 4 replies)

coding standards
I work in IT, but on the operations side of things, not development. Part of my job is to make sure the dev team get clear requirements for the programs they are writing for us.

Asking them to conform to coding standards is like lobbing a hand grenade into the room and slamming the door shut. It normally leads to massive civil war, with week long battles about how functions should be named, how many spaces nested loops should be indented by, which editor to use, and where to place brackets. Hilarious!
(Simian Typewriter Supplies Pty. Ltd. is house hunting in the neighborhood of infinity, Fri 20 May 2011, 12:56, 14 replies)

Phantom Menace was AMAZING.

(Document Pocket, Fri 20 May 2011, 12:48, 5 replies)

"Hallelujah" is the best song Jeff Buckley ever wrote

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 20 May 2011, 12:18, 16 replies)

Easiest forums to troll are the Giant Bomb ones
Don't get me wrong, I love Vinny and Jeff et al but the community is the biggest clustersperg I have ever encountered.

Precursor: I actually like Led Zeppelin.The most wonderful part was not even having to try.

www.giantbomb.com/forums/off-topic/31/what-is-led-zeppelins-best-song/433044/
(Nuclear Spoon, Fri 20 May 2011, 12:12, 8 replies)

Most carefully weighted piece of trolling I ever saw?
On a messageboard of roughly evenly balanced political affiliations.

'I see Margaret Thatcher is in hospital. Let's all keep our fingers crossed.'
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 20 May 2011, 11:47, 12 replies)

Real-life trolls
As I was walking to work this morning I was passed by a rather attractive lady jogger. She'd not gone a further 10 yards when a car slowed down and some guy leant out of the window to shout at her "Awroooight, daaahlin'!"

This really fucks me off. If women weren't intimidated by shouty men when they go out jogging, they'd be likely to do it more. They might even tell their friends how fun it is, then there would be more attractive ladies jogging about the place, getting all bouncy and sweaty. Everyone wins.

These arseholes just spoil it for the rest of us - why do they feel the need to do it? What's wrong with just copping a cheeky eyeful and carrying on about your business?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 20 May 2011, 11:46, 2 replies)

Youtube lols.
I watched a video of a huge tesla coil on Youtube, and saw this comment- his electricity bill is going to be big :D

To which someone had replied- if im not mistaken, the electricity is generated from the tesla coils and is free as long as you can afford one

So, I posted this- Yep, that's right. Tesla coils generate electricity. I believe they generate it from magic rings contained in their structure, that's why they don't need to follow the laws of thermodynamics.

I got this reply- I can't make up my mind about you.. you're either a clever troll i almost fed, or just incredibly stupid. :( I hope you are the first one tho, as i sense some sarcasm in what you wrote.. :P

I'd put money on him being a septic.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 20 May 2011, 11:24, 2 replies)

Post up your favourite Star Wars characters!

( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Fri 20 May 2011, 11:22, 25 replies)

This one time
I went onto a chat forum, and said something to elicit an emotional response from others. I did this primarily because I crave attention, but also because I feed on the negative emotions of others.

I'm essentially a bottom-feeder, but of course I justify this to myself by thinking that I'm actually "bursting their pomposity".
( Finite "Aardvark sorted out my shit!" on, Fri 20 May 2011, 11:12, 3 replies)

U2 > Radiohead

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 20 May 2011, 11:08, 17 replies)

Does this count as trolling?
www.b3ta.com/board/10426511
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:08, 4 replies)

I read the question as
Trolls...eat goatsee. Bleurgh.

But I also change toilet rolls to the under (and correct) position in other peoples' houses. Does that count?
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:04, Reply)

Seriously - it is pretty amazing how upset some people get about the difference between atheism and agnosticism.
It's actually a little bit scary - like teenagers that shoot each other for liking the wrong rapper.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:37, 40 replies)

A few months ago,
I intentionally clicked on a link I knew was to Rick Astely (because I actually wanted to listen to the song), only to find it had been blocked in my country on copyright grounds.

Long story short, I was reverse-rickrolled by Google.
( The Coast Of Yemen, Fri 20 May 2011, 8:47, 8 replies)

Beekeeping
I don't know if you are familiar with beekeepers, but there's not much of a group of individualists more individual. As with any group of traditional individuals, there are a lot of differences in opinion how things are done.

I know nothing of Finland. However in this forum I frequent, there is one old fart who has an overbearing opinion on all things, and when he gets riled up will post, wait a half an hour, post again, and so on until most of the posts in a thread are his.

If you know anything about bees, you will know bees cluster together in the winter to keep themselves warm. They do this by shivering their flight muscles and burning calories. It's agreed by all the major agricultural institutions that the bees do NOT heat the inside of the hive, but the cluster. It's documented. It has been studied. It is taught in schools. However when I mentioned this fact, I was basted by this old dude, and given no rest for two months.

In this process I learned that Scandinavians think the Finns are all drunk, the women have tattoos, and the men all carry knives. Hmmm. All I can tell you is I find it interesting the troll is Scandinavian in origin. Old asshole wont post to me anymore.
( CapnChkn I would rather be flying elephants., Fri 20 May 2011, 7:37, 7 replies)

Every so often I contribute
to a website called thatsfuckingstupid.com. No, this isn't shameless self-promotion, I just want to make sure no-one thinks I am thieving this article like a swan-eating gyppo with a TV hidden in his underpants.

We at TFS always like to hear the opposite side of the story from ours. We love to read other people’s opinions and well thought out ripostes.
But what we love even more than that are stupid people. People who have mastered the art of the hysterical keyboard mash, and who invariably fall into one of two categories:

1. Those who use the words “100%” in their posts, despite being an uneducated mouth-breather who will spout any form of quasi-reasonable sounding drivel as long as it comes from someone similarly white, middle class and boundlessly stupid. Daily Heil types, you know who they are.

2. Those who assume ironic, pseudo-pretentious poses and are utterly, utterly convinced that this impresses people with how clever he is, when in fact we openly attempt to bait him so that he will carry on churning out his own auto-back-patting postings with the aid of a thesaurus and a jar of Ribena.

We shall call them Trolls.

The Troll is a curious beast. It may lurk around in dark corners of the internet, avoiding sunlight, showers and nutritional food, and only delurking when suitably riled. These types are blessedly easy targets – it’s kind of like waving a steak at a pissed-off pitbull. You just know it’s gonna bite and bark and jump about like its arse is on fire, yet you do it anyway, don’t you?
This type will snap at the first provocation and will undoubtedly believe that TIPING THIGNS IN CAPS MAEKS THEM TRUE, I KNOW 100% THIS IS FACT!!!1.

They are the intellectual equivalent of the Youtube commentor. They haven’t really got much past the evolutionary equivalent of the “OMFG U’R SO GHEY” argument. These people are impossible to reason with; would you reason with a dog that shits on your rug then looks at you, proud of the steaming pile of turd he has produced? No. You slap it down and banish it back to the dark corner whence it came.

Such Trolls as fall into category 1. have a propensity to use percentages to demonstrate FACT(TM). A prime example would be “i may not be medically trained but i am not stupid…i am the mother of a boy with acquired autism and i know 100% it was the MMR which caused the autism”.

It’s important to emphasise that Trolls like this are immune to reason (despite being against vaccinations, ironically enough) and do not let a plethora of studies and scientific evidence sway them from the path of FACT(TM). They are the only person in the debate in possession of FACT(TM), despite being a hysterical keyboard-basher jumping on an already-dismissed panicwagon created from an unholy mix of conviction that the authorities are conspiring against them and plain old middle class TEH FEAR. Of what? Who knows; maybe daylight, or other people, or rational, reasoned dialogue (most likely).

Trolls like this can be relied upon to descend in to badly spelled CAPSLOK RIDDEN HISTERIA at any point, which is always a really, really good indicator of your intellectual credibility.

They genuinely, really and truly believe that they alone are the maverick free-thinker among the sheeple masses. This makes them ripe for a bit of delusional paranoia – a really good Troll won’t let something lie until they have demonstrated their conviction that some government agency somewhere is watching them / withholding vital evidence that will prove the Troll right beyond all doubt, and that the lack of evidence to support their paranoid delusion is “pretty CONVENEINT, eh???!1”

Whilst fun to play with, having a set-to with someone like this is the rough equivalent of bear-baiting. Sure, it’s fun to see them shuffling and grunting and flailing whilst you repeatedly poke them, but it gets old pretty quickly.

The fun starts when one of the other types of Troll shambles onto the scene. The ones that are just about intelligent enough to believe they’re a wit, when in fact they’re only half a one.*
Such types will often come across in their posts as making painful yet hilarious attempts to sound supercilious and aloof, usually through the misuse of sarcasm. Phrases such as “Yes, splendid idea! let’s all do what you say, because obviously you know better than anyone else!” feature quite heavily in the blatherings of this particular Troll variant. Note that this Troll has picked up on the fact that the CAPS LOCK SARCASM approach does not work, and instead treads dangerously close to irony through reckless use of the Italics command.

The origin of troll may be the more intelligent people trolling for suckers, but has since moved on to being the people who post controversial, inflammatory, irrelevant or off-topic messages in an online community.

Don't you just love em?

Also, for some quality trollage, check out the comments on the MMR vaccinations here:
www.thatsfuckingstupid.com/index.php/2008/11/28/just-a-quickie-you-wont-feel-a-thing/

That was an awesome afternoon's entertainment right there.


*Thank you, Terry Pratchett, you are a Flying Spaghetti Monster among men.
(Biscuit Burlesque wants to be Dita von Teas, Fri 20 May 2011, 0:11, 7 replies)

I used to be conceited, now I'm absolutely perfect.

( skeltonator Needs some new daps., Thu 19 May 2011, 23:26, Reply)

I used to be an atheist
Now I fervently believe in the divine overlord of blue lollipops and pink lemonade. I have to swallow bubblegum twice a week or he'll make me shit a live badger and turn my winky into marshmallow.

NOW WHY THE FUCK WON'T PEOPLE TAKE ME SERIOUSLY??
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 19 May 2011, 23:22, 5 replies)

Everywhere
Yeah, well, Hitler did that too. You Nazi.
(Robin of the Hood isn't into the whole brevity thing, Thu 19 May 2011, 23:09, 2 replies)

But was it trolling?
Last time I was in London on a weekend away, a couple of mates and I went to see Peter Kay at the O2. Now I've nothing against him personally, but I had the slight hump as this was a complete spur of the moment decision; one made by majority vote despite my compelling argument that we should see Bill Bailey instead.

(My argument consisting mainly of "because it's Bill fucking Bailey, that's why". My debating skills when drunk do tend to go for a walk).

After sitting on the tube for an eternity, then making our way into the dome. We find our seats (so high up we were closer to *insert deity here* then the performer himself), we booby trap the surrounding area with a mirad of plastic pint glasses (well I didn't fancy having to make my way to the bar every few minutes) sit back, first plastic pint in hand and settle in to enjoy the show.

The lights dim, the crowd quietens in anticipation.

A slight crackle of the mic and the announcer speaks...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please put your hands together for the biggest selling artist of the 1980's.... Mr.... Rick.... Astley!!!"

The music starts, a rhythm heard on a million PC's in a million houses around the globe...

"We're no strangers to love........."

I sit speechless, for Peter Kay has just rickrolled a live audience of 10,000 people, and not any mere video for Peter. No, he has hired the man himself to do it. He has done it with style.

Well played Peter. Well played.
( Kovacs Slogan free since 2003, Thu 19 May 2011, 23:03, 6 replies)

Trufax
Rob isn't Ginger
Everything the goat said was true,
No one died in the twin towers
Riverghost knows nothing about photoshop (he just uses some kind of spread on peoples faces)
/talk aren't a bunch of nutters,
PrIncess Diana is a Muslim pedophile rapist who is actually madeline mcann,
and the daily mail is the most honest, compassionate paper ever.
Oh and cats are shit.
( skeltonator Needs some new daps., Thu 19 May 2011, 23:01, 5 replies)