In the interest of keeping it short, sweet and funny.
I was working in Swansea Student Unions bar on the last day of term- something which no self-respecting student would normally do but I needed the money and I had heard that the bar manager did a pretty good spread for the "hard workers".

Come 3am we've closed and we have all been treated to an open bar and a luvly indian take away. I was in heaven.

4 hours later I trundle home and tuck myself into bed safe in the knowledge that the term was over and that I had achieved trolli-ness.

I was then rudely awoken at about 10am at the top of the stairs (bedroom is downstairs) by my housemate shaking me by the shoulders shouting "What the f**k do you think you're doing!?".
Turns out I'm a bit prone to sleep walking when sloshed and on this occassion I had taken it upon myself to shamble into his room, wave and walk around a bit and then pop outside onto the landing where I bagan to pee up the wall.

I swear to god he actually woke me up mid-stream. So of course I finished up and then did the honourable thing by getting a tea towel and rubbing it into the carpet a bit, before going back to bed.

The worst part of it was that just to the right of my chosen dribble down the wall was a mains socket. I shudder at the thought each and every time.

So all in all I didn't mean to get naked but on the other hand it was a fairly satisfying pish.

Narf!
(British Steel was participating in awesomeness on, Fri 29 May 2009, 8:18, 2 replies)

February 1991
I'm a little baby soldier in Saudi Arabia (205 GenEvac Hospital RAMC - King Khalid International Airport, Riyadh) and have been on shift since about 1130am, working, sitting chilling in the sun, working some more, sitting chiling in the ... you get the picture.

My shift finishes at midnight so I've decided that, given that it's now 10pm, I'm going to nip down to the rest area and have a shower.

Operating with the expectation of immortality, I'd taken a gamble (damn! this should have gone into that QOTW. Ho hum.) that we weren't going to be getting SCUD-whipped at that time, especially given that most of our whippings happened between 1am and 4am.

Go into the changing area, put down my small-metal-gun, get into the buff and get my shower gear out from my sports bag (medics - cleanliness = godliness) to nip into the shower with.

Happily lathering myself away in this large (i.e., 20+ person) shower in which I'm the only one there when the attack alarm sounds (and yes, it does sound like the one at the start of Two Tribes by FGTH).

"Bollocks", thinketh I, and nip out of the shower to put on my respirator (gas mask). Realising what a warm and generally pleasant shower I'd been having, go straight back into the shower and, respirator on, continue to shower for another 10 minutes.

Where's the public element, you ask?

Unbeknowns to me, the changing area - in the basement of the building we'd set the hospital up in - was a shelter for the microbiology team (only two chaps - thankfully), one of whom took a picture of me in respirator stepping out of the shower which I'm led to believe had for a while a place on a noticeboard in a hospital in Birmingham.

/facepalms
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Fri 29 May 2009, 8:17, 1 reply)

Old Chaps Chap

I was having a chat with my Mum in her kitchen, when a wizened old cock appeared from around the door frame.

"Put it away Dad", said I.

At which point the wizened old owner of the wizened old cock appeared sheepishly, tucking himself back into his dressing gown.


Length? I really wasn't looking at it that closely.....
(jono_h, Fri 29 May 2009, 8:02, Reply)

A slip of a lad
A mere, tiny, young, slip of a lad. Down in the loos at Leeds Kirkgate market, just up from Millgarth Police Station. About 20 years ago, now.

I was having a wee-wee. An old Indian bloke came and stood next to me at the urinals and had a jolly good play with himself.

Why?

It's not as if I was good looking or anything.
(Give me the cheese you cocksucker No board sig in protest., Fri 29 May 2009, 5:50, Reply)

Underage homo-eroticism, mumshock, paedo-whoops, strip-dad and accidental PHWOAR
Took me a while to think of that subject line.

The first occasion was at primary school, following a trip to the swimming pool. We headed for the showers. Nakedness was expected, but seeing my mate's angry stonk-on was not. He claimed it was 'the water temperature'. I occasionally remind him of it to this day.

Then round the same friend's house one summer, his batshit-insane mother dashes from the garden through the living room, in the buff, holding a tiny cushion to obscure her wrinkly sex purse from view (unsuccessfully).

Next, some weeks later, I'm lying on my back in their hallway, playing with his dog. I look up to be greeted by the sight of his 4-year old sister positioned directly over my head, pants and skirt round her ankles. Her words? "I done a poo, need a wipe". She had too, as my nose confirmed. I declined politely and called for help.

It gets worse. Sitting in his bedroom after school, we're playing on the Amiga. In walks his dad having just arrived home from work, sweating profusely. As we sat there, trying desperately to save our precious pixellated lemmings from comitting suicide, his father starts a conversation while simultaneously peeling off his shirt, then vest, socks and trousers in short order. Mercifully he stopped at the underpants and retreated to his own bedroom, just as I was about to scream.

Finally, a few years later, working alone in his darkened bedroom doing some GCSE coursework (as he had a PC, I didn't), I glimpse movement out of the corner of my eye. His other younger sister emerges from her bedroom completely naked, stands unknowingly full-frontal for a few seconds and then disappears into the bathroom opposite, presumably to wipe her boyfriend's cum off her chest*

That completed the set. I had seen his entire family naked.

* Seriously. She was a bit of a slag
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 29 May 2009, 5:25, 10 replies)

Hated in Korea
I've got one that probably affected 10 000 times as many people as all of your stories combined. It involves full frontal nudity, election tampering, Japanese imperialism, and good old fashioned punk rock.

Where to start? I moved to South Korea in December 2003, and found a place immediately in the local punk scene. It's small, young, and has more than enough to rebel against. The earliest band, Crying Nut, played some very patriotic concerts during the 2002 World Cup, and have become a household name, AKA sellouts. The crop of bands at the time were very opposed to this, especially when one band broke rank and appeared in a very retarded cell phone commercial.

I was briefly unemployed in 2005, giving time to dedicate to photography and making zines. One day I was hanging out with the lead singer of Rux, who also managed all the punk bands, including pogo punk bands Couch and Spiky Brats, both who at the time had the requisite spiked hair and studded jackets. He got a call from Casio, who wanted Couch to appear in a TV commercial, but was having trouble reaching the lead singer. Finally he answered, welding torch in one hand, cell phone in the other, high up in a construction site. He listened to her offer, and replied (in Korean of course), "Fuck it, I won't do it." I later interviewed him for the zine, where I concluded with "You won’t see Couch on TV anytime soon." Couch's singer was quoted saying "If that commercial makes us clowns, I don’t want it." Keep that in mind.

Months passed, and Rux was invited to appear on Music Camp, a "live" music performance show on MBC, one of the main broadcasters in Korea. It's live in the sense it's broadcast live, but the musical elements are mainly prerecorded so it's more like air guitar karaoke. Music Camp mainly featured trashy pop acts, but occasionally would spotlight an underground band. There was probably some opposition to this among the punks, but I don't remember.

On the morning of the show, Rux found out they were allowed to do whatever they wanted on stage. They being typical Korean punks, this meant inviting as many of their friends on stage with them to wave flags and raise banners. I really wanted to go along so I could try taking pictures of how pop stars act backstage. Just before I was out the door, Mrs Traitor started complaining how I always prefer the punks to her. I stayed home and we sorted it all out. Otherwise I would've been on stage at the performance, on live television broadcast nationally.

We turned the TV on but missed the Rux performance, but we watched the rest of the show hoping they hadn't shown it yet. The pop acts were all amateur, awkward. One act which featured some pop star after her return from Africa featured some very awkward dancing in which she was clearly supposed to dryhump some black guys. Their hearts weren't in it. The emcees kept apologising for technical problems earlier in the show.

After it ended, I called Rux's guitarist, to see how it went, and my wife got online. We both found out at exactly the same split second, and shouted "Holy shit, they got naked!"

Here's the moneyshot (NSFW).
www.daehanmindecline.com/transfer/musiccamprux.asx

Or you could watch it on Youtube (but don't judge Rux based on that performance).
www.youtube.com/watch?v=oX8AuyjDAw4

Note that at the time, the Korean punk scene was having a love affair with the Adicts, so the lead singer of Couch was wearing white face. He was literally on TV, being a clown. With his cock flapping around for hundreds of thousands to see. He was joined by the guitarist from Spiky Brats.

And so began the shitstorm, and our story is far from over. Why the performance wasn't aired with a few seconds delay, I don't know. That would've assured that only the minds of the middle school girls in the audience would be poisoned, and not the entire nation's TV audience. I had the Rux guitarist on the phone, and he sounded like someone had just made love to his dead grandmother. The two flashers were arrested, along with the lead singer of Rux, though he was released. For the next few weeks, the media tried to prove that the lead singer put them up to it, so he would be sent to jail too.

Before this performance, nobody in the country knew that punk existed. Now they knew, and they hated us. You'd think that this would've brought out a ton of support from new people, but it didn't. The Korean punks warned me it would be dangerous to wear any kind of punk clothes (not that I particularly do anyway). If you watched the YouTube video, there's one guy with a brightly coloured mohawk and a Clash shirt which features the Japanese Imperial flag. Reports speculated that he was some kind of anti-Korean Japanese imperialist. He shaved the mohawk off and held a press conference to basically tell everybody not to jump to crazy conclusions.

The then mayor of Seoul (now president of Korea) remarked that perhaps the government should run a blacklist of lewd performers, harkening back to the '70s when musicians were routinely jailed.

Music Camp was cancelled (but possibly brought back later. MBC, the network, had been engaged in a very important legal battle against Samsung and the Joongang newspaper. Recordings had been leaked to MBC of the presidents of both companies trying to rig the 1998 presidential election to try and revive the military dictatorship. Evidence had been illegally obtained, but fortunately the CEOs were losing the battle. Then the tables turned thanks to this incident, and it was MBC who was on the wrong side of the law. Some people even speculated that Samsung paid the punks to show their dicks to the country. Traitors walked free, and reporters were jailed.

Then the media shitstorm moved on. There was news that girls 12 years old and younger were being raped at a a kids' summer camp. What's more, the camp was run by the daughter of the previously mentioned '70s dictator. She remarked to the media "What are you so upset about? It's not like they're old enough to get pregnant." I think for once, us punks implausibly had a bit of sympathy for the dictator's daughter and her rape camp.

Shortly after, all lawsuits against Korean punk were dropped. The two flashers were released from jail after having spent three months inside. The lead singer of Couch told me jail was awesome, and the food was so good he gained weight. They were on some kind of probation that forbade them from performing for a year, and they waited a couple months before breaking it.

Things went back to normal, with our small scene struggling to keep afloat in a city of 10 million, and we all faded back into obscurity. But these days if you mention Couch loud enough, you still might get somebody yelling at you.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 29 May 2009, 4:49, 3 replies)

If you'll allow me the pleasure of a pea roast which just about fits in here I think
There was a story in my local newspaper a few years ago about a bloke who was up in court on an indecency charge, because a lady who worked as a cleaner was on her way to work early one morning and said she saw him standing naked by his window, curtains fully drawn, fwapping away for all to see. Perhaps not that dangerous at 5am, perhaps he knew she was coming...who knows.

He got off (the charge...) by proving that he was right-handed whereas she said he'd been using his left...

The reason I remember this story is because the man is a genius. I'll explain:

First of all, I'm right-handed and I generally use my left for the old knuckle shuffle (that's all you need to know). But the genius part is that no lawyer/judge/person is ever going to stand up court and dispute his argument!! Seriously, how could they prove it? By admitting they can use both hands!? By asking him if it is at all possible that he could use his other hand to masturbate...and then ask for a demonstration!?

Lovely.
(Zutroy started without you, Fri 29 May 2009, 3:36, 2 replies)

>: memory sucessfully erased
Back when I was in my early 20's (well 20 actually) I had the misfortune of being simultaneously hornier then a horny thing having what could only be described as a particularly horny day, (it had been sometime u see) while sunbathing on a beach in the Costa Brava with me mates surrounded by bikini clad ladies 30% of which were topless…. This was not good, and that was just the start of the day

Returning from the beach bar with the first beers was when I had my first flash of something more then the breasts id been comparing in a sort of mental page 3 competition. Walking along the beach looking down to avoid those nasty areas of shingle that hurt like hell, a pair of feet came into my vision, followed by a pair of very lovely legs, this was enough to tell me I was looking at the bottom end of a rather nice female laying on her front, and then with perfect timing she choose the moment that her very bright bikini bottoms came into my view to roll over and cook her front side a bit, I should have looked away as soon as I saw the few stragglers poking about the seams but I didn’t and as she rolled it became necessary for her to re-arrange said bikini briefs and I was treated to a rather nice view of… well the most un-kept playing field ever I could ever imagine oh the bikini line had been sorted… but inside there was more tightly coiled springs then u could find in a mattress factory store room and well lets just say each to there own but for my taste…. this eliminated my problems for a while.

Morning became afternoon some of the girls had disappeared or covered up and it had got a bit boring. A thud on the ground near by and the slightest spray of fine sand roused me from a deep trance laying on my towel, turning my head slightly I noticed the new arrival of 3 of the hottest females I had seen on the entire trip, super slim, 2 blondes and a Red head, I guessed them at around 19 – 21 years old, the fantastic invention we now call “sun glasses” meant that I was free to scan this image at my leisure while pretending to be out cold, I thought oh to be a fly on the wall in the female changing area over the next few minutes, but it soon became apparent that they either were not aware of its existence or could not be arsed to walk over to it for no sooner had they dropped their bags, they were wrapping towels about their waists and pulling down shorts and thongs in plain view of the rest of the beach. After this, the girls experience in changing in this manner started to show, one of the blondes had wrapped her towel and tucked it in to one side at the back so that if it were to slip, the worst she would show is maybe a bit of arse and that’s it and she was changed in seconds, the other two had tucked it around the front to one side a bit and predictably as the red head went to step into her bottoms, the towel split right to the top giving a full on view of her neatly trimmed red bush… a sterling effort I remember thinking, then lo and behold just as she got them up and around her hips the other blond beside her stepped into hers and gave a wonderful view of her fun area which looked like it had been perfectly waxed and smoothed mere minutes before they arrived, they then arranged the towels… and then eventually off came the tops, and then bra’s and they sat down and started to oil up while discussing their bodies and helping each other.

Well as u can probably imagine the previously mentioned horniness returned with a sound similar to the big bang, but this time several fuel tankers turned up and poured on several thousand gallons of more horniness and I was having problems and they were becoming obvious, so inevitably I had no choice but to turn onto my front and think of dear old Mrs Thatcher, naked, on a cold day and store my newly acquired memories in the back of my mind for a more private time. I rolled over, took a sip of what ever I was drinking by then and looked forward, up the beach, and straight at the ball sack of a middle aged guy sitting no more then 2 meters away!! I should say the ball sack was 2 meters away so I could have almost touched his foot.. Taking even more of a risk then the girls this guy had decided to just change right there with no attempt at a cover up from anyone, he was short, looked pregnant, had a disturbing amount of gray hair growing around his navel and was very red and sweating profusely and considering how hot it was, he had an issue that he could not explain away as shrinkage due to cold, the car crash scenario came into effect and I couldn’t take my eyes off him as he pulled his Speedo’s off his feet, reached into his bag pulled out a pair of bright yellow men’s briefs and started to put them on… as he pulled them up and finally covered himself up he met my gaze and then sort of… grinned (shudder). Mrs Thatcher’s services were no longer required by this point, and in fact I kind of prayed for her to turn up and try it on so I could check everything was still working, but the memories of those girls were gone forever, now all I remember is him and those yellow pants

Damn him to hull
(maxumus HEY!.... diddly dee, de de de de de de, Fri 29 May 2009, 3:06, Reply)

Not in a way I expected.
I remember staying at a girlfriends parents house, no sharing rooms allowed. We had not yet reached the point of sharing bodily fluids, a little bit off upper torso groping had been the limit of my exploration up until that point.

I had to sleep in the living room. At about 2am the girlfriend walks in naked, I wake up and immediately think "Fuck Yeah, Action Time".

Alas this was not to be as she ignored me and walked behind the TV set and proceeds to take a shit (quite a substantial one as well I may add). It was strange to see the body I had been lusting after in this most undignified first exposure.

I watched her walk back out and head back upstairs to her room. Fuck me I thought better clean this up as being the only occupant of the room I would be blamed if anyone saw it.

Two minutes later her mum walks in while I am on the floor with paper towels. “I heard the stairs creaking. I see Patricia has been sleep walking again, let me clean that up” she said in a matter of fact manner.

Surreal
( fagilliD Fuck I'm good!, Fri 29 May 2009, 2:55, 12 replies)

underwater womb
On Melbourne's Mornington peninsula where I grew up there was a beach called Sunnyside. A couple of weeks after christmas when I was around 10 years of age, I was happily testing out my new mask and snorkel in the bay there. I followed the little fishies around the point and into the next bay, totally oblivious to the airy world above the surface. Then boosh!, there right in front of me were two sets of legs replete with furry hamburgers, only a few feet away. I stood up in the waist deep water and took of my mask to find I'd emerged in dick pussy city. I'd managed to discover the private Sunnyside South nude beach, a subject that popped up often in our adolescent conversations many times thereafter.
Maybe because of this, years later when the wife and I were in Brazil, I suggested we check out a nearby nude beach. After a difficult walk over hill in the hot sun where I managed to destroy a flip flop, we got there only to discover she was the only woman there. It wasn't a gay beach, just all sausage no fish. you can never recreate those childhood experiences
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 29 May 2009, 2:46, 2 replies)

When I was 19 I went to a work party straight after work (finished shift at 9:30 so got there at 10:00)
My mum and her mates, were also there as they worked at the same hospital. I went into a bedroom to get changed out of my work clothes - five 40 - 50 yr old very pissed women burst in when i was putting on my shorts. My penis was the topic of conversation at morning tea for months. My mother was disgusted in me for exposing myself to her friends.
(wallynothere rnot without protection, Fri 29 May 2009, 2:12, Reply)

If this had happened recently I think would have been arrested
As I mentioned in an earlier post I have done accidental nudity a few times.
Back in the late 80s myself and a few male friends went wandering into a secluded Yorkshire Dale.
We were looking for mushrooms but found ourselves by a river with a small waterfall way off the beaten track.
It was a hot day so we decided to take a dip.
The water was very cold so the guys didnt stay in for very long.
Shrinkage seems to be an issue ;)
I love swimming naked in wild water so I was still submersed when they got out.
I wallowed for a while longer then got out.
Didnt want to put on my dry clothes over my wet self , so seeing as we were far away from any habitation I thought I would walk back to the car naked and drip dry.
On the last stretch we came face to face with 3 young teenage lads.
The guys smirked and I just held my head up and walked by with a cheery 'good afternoon'
I did look back before we rounded the corner to see the 3 boys still standing there with jaws dropped.
Once back at the car where I got dressed, the guys made funny comments about how those lads will not be believed if they tell the others at school what they saw.
Hey lads we saw a naked lady!
Is funny now, but back then OMFG I could have been done for being a perv
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 29 May 2009, 0:48, 1 reply)

One afternoon at work a long long time ago
Back in the early nineties in a well known South Coast seaside resort on a particularly warm afternoon I was at work in a shop that fronted onto the main North / South road which was busy with cars and buses travelling to and fro. My colleague and I were discussing the finer intricacies of Champ Man (the Amiga version, if you're wondering) when we both happened to look up at the same time.

We looked in disbelief as a middle aged man walked past the double fronted windows of the shop wearing nothing but sandals and carrying a white Sainsburys plastic carrier bag. He walked from left to right across the front of the shop. The bag was in his left hand. Why I remember that detail I'm not entirely sure.

I'm also unsure as to why I remember the flapping of his cock flapping up and down with each jaunty, springing step that he took but I do. With disturbing clarity.

My un-erotic unexpected encounter with nudity lasted for about 4 seconds and 17 years later I'm still scarred by it.


Length? Fortunately it wasn't close enough for an accurate assessment.
(manwiddicombe is thinking of something witty to add here, Fri 29 May 2009, 0:11, Reply)

Willy Dance
I had successfully repressed this memory until reading some of these answers. Cheers b3ta.

During Year 6 the whole year was treated, and I use that term loosely, to a week-long trip to the Isle of Wight. “A whole week with my mates and no parents. This will be brilliant” thought a small 9-year old Martin. If only I’d known the horrors I’d be subject to on that small island.

The place we went to was an adventure holiday kind of place. Everyone stayed in log cabins and it was very cool to a bunch of young kids. I was rooming with 2 of my best mates, Tom and Jonathon, and 3 other kids we were stuck with, Jon, Daniel and Mark. Jon and Daniel were the “naughty kids” and I was a bit gutted but trying to make the most of it, we had tried to befriend them before the trip. As for Mark, no-one really liked him. He was a bit weird and always seemed to picking either his nose or his bum.

Kids being kids, we had all packed a ton of sweets for some epic midnight feasts. We’d even developed a code to be quiet when a teacher was coming. “Lie low!” I’d shout when I saw someone. No it wasn’t hard to understand what we were saying, but it could have also sounded like we were playing aquatic transport charades.

It was the first night and we began our feast. Smarties, Skittles, Chocolate, anything. If it had sugar in, we were eating it. It was late, but due to the fact we were all around 8 or 9, it was probably only about 10pm. We were all on a sugar high and running round the rooms and screaming our pre-pubescent heads off. This was fun. This was what I’d hoped it would be; a bunch of guys being awesome.

The night took a turn for the worse when Mark started having ideas with what to do with the night. We all ignored him and he retreated to his room. Minutes later, the door burst open, and he was standing there, fully naked, as God had intended. It was at this point, God realised he had made a huge fucking mistake. The rest of us were aghast, trying not to make eye contact with eachother, him or ‘Little Mark’. This effectively became impossible when he walked to mere feet in front of us, started bouncing around, and began singing. To give credit to Mark, his choice of song could not have been more apt. As I recall, the lyrics were something like, “Willy dance! Willy dance! I’m doing the willy dance!” Fuck me if I’ve never been so frightened in my life. We all scrambled as far back as we could, but even the wall still left us within what seemed range of a cock slap.

Eventually we managed to shout at him loud enough and long enough for him to stop. We sent him back to his room and made for God damn sure he didn’t come out for the rest of the night. This fun cabaret was then followed by me being sick. Whether it was through me being homesick, eating too much sugar, or physically trying to remove the memories of what I’d just witnessed I don’t know. What I do know is that this was never talked about afterwards by any of the parties involved. I’m not sure if it was an unsaid pact of silence, or us all just trying to convince ourselves that this horrific act had never happened.

Length? He was 8. It was small.
(Martin1337 was trying and failing to be funny at, Fri 29 May 2009, 0:06, Reply)

A friend
introduced me to one of his friends, who was generally known as 'Moonie' as he liked to expose his arse to everybody. Back in 1981 we're doing "way out" things like staying at each others houses without telling our parents (RockNRoll man!) and Moonie stays at mine, in the front room. We're playing cards and my sister a year younger, so about 15 comes in to watch. Moonie pronounces, 'i'm feeling warm' and slips out of his sleeping bag, where he'd been lying naked. When i say slipped out, the phrase sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiped out would have been more appropriate, as he pulled the bag down, his waist was exposed then his groin with the base of his cock, then his thighs with the mid section of his cock and finally his knees with the tip of his cock. Edward Trunk would've been a more appropriate name, it was horrific on so many levels; somebody elses penis; my sister; the enormity of it; knowing i'd never be able to wreck vaginas like he could.
Since then i've met friends who knew him and there's only me that remembers the length of cable he called a penis, i don't think it ruined my life but i still feel kind of inadequate.
Unexpected? No chance, he'll be in his 40s now and i bet it still flops out at every opportunity.
Length? 9.75 inches but as he was 16 at the time and was hoping to gain the extra quarter by the time he'd stopped growing.
(Discreditor wants the dream to come true, Fri 29 May 2009, 0:02, Reply)

Possible pearoast...
... but many years ago when I was scruffy recently-ex-student and on my way back from my then-girlfriend's halls of residence across a large park in Aberdeen, cheerfully striding through the warm, dark night my new tape of The Orb - Adventures Beyond The Ultraworld on my huge battery-hungry Walkman I found that the six pints of Alloa 80/- I'd drunk earlier were making a not-unexpected bid for freedom. So, off to a large rhodedendron bush, zzzzip aaaaah.... "Hmmm. Not heard this mix of the track, it's got what sounds like shouting voi... FUCK!"

A drunk Gordonjcp can out-accelerate an angry Aberdeen Uni student and his lady friend who are still trying to get their trousers on, by a pretty comfortable margin.

Distance? About 500m before I started to slow down...
(gordonjcp, Fri 29 May 2009, 0:01, Reply)

Another sad one.
Be warned.

This is going back a few years, before I lost both Grandparents.

Both my Gran and Granda were feeble and in their late eighties. Unfortunately my Granda was also feeble of mind. It wasn’t Alzheimers, just simple senility. I often visited to make sure they had what they needed, were ok and to do what I could. At this stage Granda had forgotten how to walk. He was still physically strong enough but just couldn’t do it. This was a man who had been a strongman. He once carried a double mattress cover full of coal half a mile uphill. For a bet. Just because he could.

One afternoon I called in to check on them and while I was sitting chatting with Gran, my Granda started to shout for assistance. My Gran asked if I could go check him out and see what was wrong. I walked into the bedroom and there was Granda naked from the waist down with a beatific grin on his face. “Need a wee.” He said. So I helped him put his todger into the bedpan and waited till he was finished. I helped him shake the drops off. “That’s better .“ He said. And fell asleep. I made sure Gran was OK and went home.

Very unerotic.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 28 May 2009, 23:57, 2 replies)

This one time before I knocked out Mr. T I walked in on him as he was getting changed in to his boxing outfit ahead of our 3 round exhibition matchup at Maddison Square Garden.
Thankfully I didn't see his Mr. T-Bar as I was too busy making out with Angelina Jolie when she was really good looking.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 28 May 2009, 23:47, 2 replies)

My mate Trev...
One of my best friends was having a sleepover for his 12th birthday, and after watching some shit movie, his mum told us all that it was very late (10pm) and that we should go to bed. Reluctantly, we strolled downstairs to my mates living room, which would be serving as our bedroom for the night. His mum was kind of alright though; she said we could talk until 11, but we'd have to go to bed then.

There was four of us in total, and we were pretty good friends too. But you know how it is; there's always the bitch of the group. His name was Trev. Trev was a nice kid, but we would constantly poke fun at the fact that he had an extremely distinctive lisp. Anyway, we were all getting changed into our nighties, and making sure that we never even glanced at each others bodies for fear of being called a homo.

When all of a sudden, Trev took off his shorts and t-shirt, so he was left wearing only his boxers and his socks, and jumped onto the sofa, repeatedly shouting "Look at me! Look at me! I can play cricket with my willy!" with a huge grin plastered on his face, as he jumped up and down.

All four of us burst out laughing, and Trev, believing that he could actually make us laugh without being the butt of our jokes, started to pretend that he could use his cock as a cricket bat, and hit an imaginary ball for six. That was pretty funny for us as kids and we were all doubled over with laughter. We did laugh at some silly things.

But then, he did something REALLY odd. I can still remember his exact words. He stopped jumping around, removed his boxers, revealing his cock and said, with a real look of excitement on his face, in a cheesy American accent "Oh yeah baby, put that ball up ma butt 'cause I'm up for some lovin' tonight". He then started mooning us. Trev cracked up and couldn't stop chuckling. However, the three of us, who had enjoyed his show until this point, fell silent.

After around 30 seconds of Trev rofling, he calmed down, and saw the look on our faces. He then got down off of the sofa and put his clothes back on as if nothing had happened. The three of us were in awe.

"TREV'S A HOMO! TREV'S A HOMO! TREV IS A HOMO!" My mate Adam started screaming.
"No I'm not, I'm not a homo!" He screeched in his defence.
"You are!" Adam said.
We then began to chant "HOMO! HOMO! HOMO! HOMO! HOMO! HOMO! HOMO! HOMO! HOMO! HOMO! HOMO! HOMO! HOMO! HOMO!" until Trev started crying.

But, instead of showing pity on the poor kid, we circled around him, and beat him up. And that was just the starter for the night. We really were asshats.
(MrDouche, Thu 28 May 2009, 23:39, 5 replies)

Many years ago...
...and a young MattInAHat had embarked on the great adventure of living in sin with the artist formerly known as Mrs Hat. Unfortunately living with She of the Spectacular Norkage was not the filthy, sordid fuck fest that I had previously envisaged and pretty soon we had gone from liberally exchanging bodily fluids at every given opportunity to the kind of sexless existence usually found on the problem page of the Mail on Sunday.

As another evening was being endured watching shite on a fuzzy portable television, my beloved's sweet voice drifted through the icy atmosphere.

"I'm out of fags. Nip round the shop and get me some"

"Of course my sweet" I replied.
"nothing would give me greater pleasure than to hasten to tobacconist in the pissing down rain and get you 10 Lambert and fucking Butler" I didn't add

So collar turned up and head down against the rain I made my way to the shop and duly purchased the requested tobacco product, all the time hoping that this selfless act would result in my getting a shag. Or a quick hand shandy. Even a quick grope wouldn't have gone amiss.

As I stepped out of the shop I looked up to watch the rain coming down, and as I did so, my vision was drawn to a window. A window with the curtains open. A window with the curtains open and the light on. And the resident of the room, (The young, blonde resident of the room) lit up like a Las Vegas magic show was seemingly getting ready to go out.

I started walking so as not to be too obvious a pervert, gaze locked on the young lady slipping out of her blouse.

"Go on!" my sex starved brain screamed at her.
"Show me your tits!"

And she somehow heard.

Her hands reached round to her back and fumbled with the clasp of her bra, TheMattInThePants suddenly waking up and remembering what he's been missing.

The bra went slack as the object of my ogleing succeeded in freeing herself from her clothing....


At the exact same moment the the side of my face came into rather abrupt halt against the previously unnoticed lamp post thoughtfully left in my path and leaving me with a rather fetching bruise.


"What the fuck happened to you?" asked my beloved upon my return.

"I was watching some bird getting changed and I walked into a lamppost"

"Well you deserve it you fucking twat"


I didn't have sex that night
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Thu 28 May 2009, 23:15, 1 reply)

A hotel somewhere in England
It was 3am. I was drunk, exhausted, nauseaous and pissed off. I had just walked up eight flights of stairs to get to the hotel room of a comedian. He took the lift, whereas I let claustrophobia get in the way. I was young and naive and very much admired this man who should have known better.
I knocked on the door. I twiddled my thumbs. I expected a cuddle and a kiss. He opened the door and I got an eyeful of cock.
"Oh." I said. "You're naked, then."
"...yes." came the reply.
There was a pause. I'm not one for romance at the best of times, but I think even I surpassed myself with what I said next:
"I'm wearing very inappropriate underwear."

I was as well.

(Tenuous link, but I like the story).
(skrinklelada, Thu 28 May 2009, 23:09, Reply)

window cleaner
i was reading one of the earlier answers when i saw a pun coming from the first line. so i started singing a little song in my head.
it was my pun-expected new ditty,

oh and then the window cleaner rubbed his cock against the window.
(suboftheday, Thu 28 May 2009, 23:00, Reply)

Halloween Party
A few years ago me and some friends went to Torture Garden in London for Halloween because a mate said it was a good craic.

Upstairs was cool, like a regular club but no trouble and lots of sexy gothy women.

We wandered downstairs, into the darker floor.

The first thing we saw was two semi-naked transvestite blokes wanking each other off.

Oh.

We went back upstairs.

Can you bleach your brain?

Make it stop.

Please?
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Thu 28 May 2009, 22:53, Reply)

does anyone want to see my hairy pussy?
This is probably a long shot, but..I'm moving, and I can't take my cat. Does anyone live in Melbourne and want to take it?

EDIT: Or anywhere within travel distance of Melbourne.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 28 May 2009, 22:18, 1 reply)

The first time I ever saw a penis...
was when I was 13/14 and I was walking home from school with my best mate. We got flashed in the park by a dirty perv who was simply standing in a bush with his todger hanging out.

Being well behaved innocent girls at the time we ran for it anc called the police as we were scared. The police came to take a statement but my mate and I couldn't agree on what the guy looked like. I thought he was young-ish and blonde - my mate thought he was old and grey. The shock of seeing an unexpected todger meant that we didn't get much of an idea what he looked like.

To add insult to injury, the Wonder Stuff announced that they had split up on that very same day and I was gutted.

I have seen a few penises since in happier circumstances, but not for a while. :-(
(Just a girl., Thu 28 May 2009, 22:18, Reply)

I felt a right tit
I have unfortunately subjected innocent passers by to my accidental nudity a few times, but this one is the most recent.
Earlier this year I had a bad fall which left ( among other things) both my breasts black and blue.
I had to do an examination every day to check for any swellings.
As I dont live at ground level and the only building across from me with direct view into my living room is a church, nudity is safe.
So there Iam one afternoon, sitting there with my boobs out prodding and poking.
Glance up to see a ladder against the roof of the church hall, gaze idly wanders round to see a man standing on the roof looking directly into my room *cries*

the right one still hurts but i'm too traumatised by the last mammogram to do it again any time soon


length?
about 2 feet to the right to where I cant be seen
.
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 28 May 2009, 22:06, 3 replies)

outdoor enthusiasts
we do lots of caving us.... therefore we is often wet and/or mucky afterwards, having had to get changed outside for a number of decades you soon stop worrying about other people and prudish notions, many a happy motorist has had an eyeful, some times they drive past again!! some of us even enjoy this i suspect, occasionally we will go for a streak as well.... if you drive round the dales and have seen my mates hairy arse crack may i sincerely apologise.....

PTII..
as we would back then we were tripping and wandering the streets looking at things in a sense of wonder,wow look at the street lights!! we heard lots of running feet then past us goes about 20 nekkid lads!! it took us a while to figure if we had just hallucinated the whole event...we reckon not
(TROLLING AWAY living under a post ironic bridge, Thu 28 May 2009, 22:03, Reply)

I was working at a coffee bar at the time, strange as it may seem.
It was near a lot of trendy shops, and one afternoon a woman and her teenage daughter approached the counter to order drinks. The mother was dressed in Typical Suburban Mum style, but the daughter. . .oh, the daughter.

She wasn't wearing a blouse so much as she was wearing a super-stylish, strategically-placed scrap of fabric that was about an inch or so above Barely Legal territory -- and then she moved, and a nipple popped out. Now, this would no doubt have been fascinating to many of you (or not, if you'd seen Lil' Miss Minichav), but not for yours truly. I've had a lot of odd things happen at work, but have never before been in the situation of trying to think of a polite way to let a young woman know she's one more impatient shrug away from turning my place of employment into a topless coffee bar, and I hope it doesn't happen again.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Thu 28 May 2009, 21:56, Reply)

this has just come flooding back, not total nudity but enough to qualify
it's 1989, sunday shopping does not exist and we skate boardy types have the run of the city centre.. picture if you would the top of the merrion centre.... near the pig and whistle.... outdoor escalator...... steep steps going down to the underpass..... there's us, leaping and spinning etc a la tony hawkes... and there is a stinky unwashed homeless dude, retro homeless that is... not the modern agressive begging type.... well there he is middle of the day he drops his pants, cock out the lot and takes a shite.... pulls em back up and wobbles off into Leeds.... we could not beleive it!
(TROLLING AWAY living under a post ironic bridge, Thu 28 May 2009, 21:49, Reply)

ultimate cock
I see there have been a few flashing stories already, but you can have mine too.

After a messy all-nighter struggling to get three essays done, I trunded off to campus in the wee hours to print them off. I was too poor to buy a printer see. As I walk by one of the halls of residence a young gentleman leapt out at me, producing the most enormous wang from his hideously tragic jogging bottoms.

(Oh, and I got a week's extension on my essay's because of the trauma. Which I naturally left until the following Sunday to pull another all nighter.)

He must have been about 17, but was certain that I "would love some" to which I replied:

"No thank you" (Manners cost nothing)

It then took be about 15 minutes to realise that I literally just had someone wanking at me, in woodland, at 8am.

Incidentally, he didn't have any pubes, and I was quite disturbed by by the fact this stuck in my mind. But the Police knew about his lack of undergrowth too, so I now feel less dirty.
(thants, Thu 28 May 2009, 21:49, Reply)