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As a new parent, people seem to think it's OK to pass on any and every old wives tale possible. "Don't hug him too much". What? Quite what possesses people to pass on baseless, idiotic, useless advice I don't know.
That said, I quite often give car drivers directions and then, after they've moved off, realise that I've sent them down a bike-only route, so I can give as good as I get.
What useless advice have you been given (or handed out) recently?
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 10:29)
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Never eat a polar bear's liver. Apparently it contains a poisonously high concentration of vitamin A, and if you eat it you'll die.
This may very well be true, but let's consider the situation in which this piece of advice may come in useful:
i) You're stranded in the arctic
ii) with no food
iii) but you do have the correct equipment to take down a polar bear (and those f**kers are big!)
iv) you've already eaten every other part of the (big) bear since, let's face it, who would go for the liver first?
Now how many people does that cover?
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:40, Reply)
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Before getting into bed with a woman, take your socks off before you trousers as men look stupid wearing just socks.
Always followed this regardless of drunkeness.
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:31, Reply)
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Seen on the label of a pair of underpants (probably the pair I'm wearing right now, which I'm sure you wanted to know):
"KEEP AWAY FROM FIRE"
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:30, Reply)
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Masturbation leads to Homosexuality
25 years of exhaustive testing has led me to believe that's utter bollocks.
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:24, Reply)
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Don't shag a bird with a hairier arse than you.
You just never know...
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:19, Reply)
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Militant feminist. Thinks all men are evil. Regards knowledge of one's ladybits as the key to emancipation. Constantly tried to engage me in conversations about my vagina from the age of about two. Her best moment though was when she took it upon herself to lecture me on the harmlessness of masturbation when I was ten.
"It's okay, as long as you wash your hands afterwards"
Pretty sound advice, come to think of it...
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:14, Reply)
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whilst working at 2am in a factory making Sunny Delight and generally being pissed off I was told this piece of delightful advice:
Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt
and dance like noone is watching you
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:14, Reply)
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Albatross, you remind me of the French exchange I did when I was 13.
One of my classmates told our young Gallic cousins that the worst swear words in English are "broccoli" and "cauliflower".
Cue lots of French kids talking about vegetables in front of not-at-all-shocked but slightly confused teachers....
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:06, Reply)
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that the word "twattybollocks" was a friendly but respectful variation of "hello" that could be used with teachers.
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:03, Reply)
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but my mum told me when I was young that women don't poo...I've no idea why she told me this...but seriously, I was convinced that women didn't poo...it still freaks me out to think think that they do...
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:50, Reply)
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My mater left home at 15 and her mother's advice to her was straight from the heart:
"Don't bring any trouble home here."
And my other grandmother told me, when I was a child, that if I saw a black man, I should spit and turn around three times.
Silly old buggers.
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:47, Reply)
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told a twat who thought that he was a goth cause he wore black...to go bleach his skin to make it more pale
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:46, Reply)
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was once told by my friend that 'wanking too much makes you go blind'.
Oh how wrong he was.
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:41, Reply)
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"Never shag a woman you can't lift, son"
Actually, thats pretty good advice.
Cheers Dad, I wish i'd listened to you.
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:40, Reply)
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My dear old grandad gave me this valuable advice one day.
"Never trust short people or cripples."
his reason?
"they have a nasty temper on them"
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:36, Reply)
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Called up for an eye test. Asked how much it would cost. The guy asked whether it was for a first consultation or a check-up. I said "consultation", he said "£35". I asked how much a check-up was and he said "£35".
Numpty.
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:36, Reply)
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Total advice from my Mum the first time I told her I'd be 'staying over' at my girlfriends:
"You will be careful, won't you?"
Only dawned on my much later that I think she meant, 'Don't get her up the duff'.
Bless.
Funny thing is, I also found out later that she (girlfriend, that is) was on the pill, hadn't asked a month earlier when we started shagging. Well, you don't stop and ask when it's the first time, do you?
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:35, Reply)
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Picture the scene, you're in a lecture theatre, there's 200+ people in there for a health and safety course with work, random spazmo's from all over the country.
Now, its dead boring, as courses generally are, its 3pm, and I wanted to get home for 4pm for Deal or No Deal, that wasn't going to happen. Anyway, I digress...but its my story, so fuck you all...
So the lecturer/H&S guru is telling us about holes in the floor. Riveting I'm sure you'll agree. He's banging on about various sized holes in the floor, and should you cover them up or not, incase you fall through it.
He switches this light on above, and it casts a circular spotlight on the floor. Quite a large one, he gets someone up to stand in it.
"Yes, you could fall through that, you'd have to cover it"
He moves the light closer to the floor, all very snazzy this...the circular spotlight gets smaller. Again, he gets someone up, the same thing occurs.
He does this a few times, and then when the light is literally like 30cm in diameter, he asks for another volunteer. This bloke gets up, fucking massive he is, not tall, but fat as fuck, obese if you will...seriously, this bloke is about 30st if he's a pound. the lecturer looks at him, and tells him..."Now sir, if you have a 30cm diameter hole in the floor, its not likely that you'll fall through it, so you don't need to cover it up".
I'm not surprised, cos his fucking leg is bigger than my waist.
the usual apologies re length, width, height and the 4th dimension.
Edit: apparently he was wrong as well, regarding the hole, if anyone gives a shit.
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:33, Reply)
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My mum told me, when I was small, that I shouldn't touch photographic film because it's poisonous. Quite how that advice came about I can't remember but it was only at the age of 25 and embarking on a degree at film school that I realised she was talking rubbish.
She also told me never to break up, saw up or in any way damage polystyrene because it gives you cancer. I was old enough at the time to ignore that particular gem.
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:31, Reply)
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Just wanted to share some good news with you: I don’t need to make any more length/girth gags anymore, I went to the doctor’s last night and he told me I’d got an award for the strength of my cock…..
….at least I THINK he said I’d got a muscular dick trophy.
Oh, and don’t worry, I already drive home eastwards along the A1079 every night. (look it up)
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:28, Reply)
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Don't put anything in your mimsy, you wouldn't put in your mouth.
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:21, Reply)
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was to ask myself what an easily-angered super-powered invisible giant who lived in the sky and spied on me all the time would want me to do.
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:17, Reply)
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sticking a pin through your thumbnail is absolutely painless. Oh, says she... result: one screaming kid sister(pain), one screaming mum(anger).
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:16, Reply)
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After believing my grandma for most of my life, I have recently found out that there's usually only one, or at most two, mickles make a muckle.
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:14, Reply)
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It is currently hideously swollen, blue and yellow, but not broken, thankfully. I'm not telling you how i did it, as it's neither dashing or interesting. Just stupid.
After much sage and useful advice from ordinary folks (cold compresses every two hours, ibuprofen on full stomach, etc) a nurse instructed me:
"now, no running for at least a week"
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:12, Reply)
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Helpful advice from my Mum. Too many crusty sarnies. I now have hair that makes passing through doorways a slightly difficult task.
Thank god for GHDs.
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:11, Reply)
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Having sex with as many men as possible will lead to you finding your one true love.
421 men so far and no mister right maybe time for a change of tatics?
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:10, Reply)
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she 'advised' (read commanded) me that in order to make a good impression I should make an effort with my appearance.
Being Australian, I had to consult the internet to see what was appropriate for formal occassions in Belfast.
I though I copied it exactly but I don't know, maybe I had the gloves on wrong or something.
Mod Edit: No leeching pictures please.
( , Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:07, Reply)
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