Useful advice from a sign in Costa Rica


(lolwhites, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:45, Reply)

Mmmmm tasty!
Never eat a polar bear's liver. Apparently it contains a poisonously high concentration of vitamin A, and if you eat it you'll die.

This may very well be true, but let's consider the situation in which this piece of advice may come in useful:

i) You're stranded in the arctic
ii) with no food
iii) but you do have the correct equipment to take down a polar bear (and those f**kers are big!)
iv) you've already eaten every other part of the (big) bear since, let's face it, who would go for the liver first?

Now how many people does that cover?
(flimflam_machine, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:40, Reply)

Another genius one...
Before getting into bed with a woman, take your socks off before you trousers as men look stupid wearing just socks.

Always followed this regardless of drunkeness.
(Laxly, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:31, Reply)

Pants advice
Seen on the label of a pair of underpants (probably the pair I'm wearing right now, which I'm sure you wanted to know):

"KEEP AWAY FROM FIRE"
( le brian, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:30, Reply)

According to the Jehovahs Witness handbook
Masturbation leads to Homosexuality

25 years of exhaustive testing has led me to believe that's utter bollocks.
(Yellow Car is now red, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:24, Reply)

Thailand holiday advice
Don't shag a bird with a hairier arse than you.

You just never know...
(Yellow Car is now red, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:19, Reply)

My mother
Militant feminist. Thinks all men are evil. Regards knowledge of one's ladybits as the key to emancipation. Constantly tried to engage me in conversations about my vagina from the age of about two. Her best moment though was when she took it upon herself to lecture me on the harmlessness of masturbation when I was ten.

"It's okay, as long as you wash your hands afterwards"

Pretty sound advice, come to think of it...
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:14, Reply)

years ago...
whilst working at 2am in a factory making Sunny Delight and generally being pissed off I was told this piece of delightful advice:

Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt
and dance like noone is watching you
(Laxly, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:14, Reply)

French exchange
Albatross, you remind me of the French exchange I did when I was 13.

One of my classmates told our young Gallic cousins that the worst swear words in English are "broccoli" and "cauliflower".

Cue lots of French kids talking about vegetables in front of not-at-all-shocked but slightly confused teachers....
(Eldred, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:06, Reply)

I remember telling the french exchange students that visited our school
that the word "twattybollocks" was a friendly but respectful variation of "hello" that could be used with teachers.
(albatross! aka Rameses Niblick III Kerplunk kerplunk - whoops, where's my thribble?, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:03, Reply)

Not necessarily advice
but my mum told me when I was young that women don't poo...I've no idea why she told me this...but seriously, I was convinced that women didn't poo...it still freaks me out to think think that they do...
(littleben hasn't anything funny to put here, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:50, Reply)

Mother again
My mater left home at 15 and her mother's advice to her was straight from the heart:

"Don't bring any trouble home here."

And my other grandmother told me, when I was a child, that if I saw a black man, I should spit and turn around three times.

Silly old buggers.
(frankspencer, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:47, Reply)

we
told a twat who thought that he was a goth cause he wore black...to go bleach his skin to make it more pale
(abignumber, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:46, Reply)

I
was once told by my friend that 'wanking too much makes you go blind'.
Oh how wrong he was.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:41, Reply)

Bless my dad...
"Never shag a woman you can't lift, son"

Actually, thats pretty good advice.

Cheers Dad, I wish i'd listened to you.
(Big Andy, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:40, Reply)

Thanks for that
My dear old grandad gave me this valuable advice one day.

"Never trust short people or cripples."

his reason?

"they have a nasty temper on them"
(Mong goose, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:36, Reply)

Boring, but literally happened the minute before I read the new QOTW
Called up for an eye test. Asked how much it would cost. The guy asked whether it was for a first consultation or a check-up. I said "consultation", he said "£35". I asked how much a check-up was and he said "£35".

Numpty.
(Garnett, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:36, Reply)

Birds and bees
Total advice from my Mum the first time I told her I'd be 'staying over' at my girlfriends:

"You will be careful, won't you?"

Only dawned on my much later that I think she meant, 'Don't get her up the duff'.

Bless.

Funny thing is, I also found out later that she (girlfriend, that is) was on the pill, hadn't asked a month earlier when we started shagging. Well, you don't stop and ask when it's the first time, do you?
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:35, Reply)

Health and Safety Advice - Golden Rules
Picture the scene, you're in a lecture theatre, there's 200+ people in there for a health and safety course with work, random spazmo's from all over the country.

Now, its dead boring, as courses generally are, its 3pm, and I wanted to get home for 4pm for Deal or No Deal, that wasn't going to happen. Anyway, I digress...but its my story, so fuck you all...

So the lecturer/H&S guru is telling us about holes in the floor. Riveting I'm sure you'll agree. He's banging on about various sized holes in the floor, and should you cover them up or not, incase you fall through it.

He switches this light on above, and it casts a circular spotlight on the floor. Quite a large one, he gets someone up to stand in it.

"Yes, you could fall through that, you'd have to cover it"

He moves the light closer to the floor, all very snazzy this...the circular spotlight gets smaller. Again, he gets someone up, the same thing occurs.

He does this a few times, and then when the light is literally like 30cm in diameter, he asks for another volunteer. This bloke gets up, fucking massive he is, not tall, but fat as fuck, obese if you will...seriously, this bloke is about 30st if he's a pound. the lecturer looks at him, and tells him..."Now sir, if you have a 30cm diameter hole in the floor, its not likely that you'll fall through it, so you don't need to cover it up".

I'm not surprised, cos his fucking leg is bigger than my waist.

the usual apologies re length, width, height and the 4th dimension.

Edit: apparently he was wrong as well, regarding the hole, if anyone gives a shit.
(Big Andy, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:33, Reply)

My mum told me two whoppers
My mum told me, when I was small, that I shouldn't touch photographic film because it's poisonous. Quite how that advice came about I can't remember but it was only at the age of 25 and embarking on a degree at film school that I realised she was talking rubbish.

She also told me never to break up, saw up or in any way damage polystyrene because it gives you cancer. I was old enough at the time to ignore that particular gem.
(kevon45uk, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:31, Reply)

"Go to the doctors if you're that worried"
Just wanted to share some good news with you: I don’t need to make any more length/girth gags anymore, I went to the doctor’s last night and he told me I’d got an award for the strength of my cock…..

….at least I THINK he said I’d got a muscular dick trophy.

Oh, and don’t worry, I already drive home eastwards along the A1079 every night. (look it up)
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:28, Reply)

Friends mother to her daughter
Don't put anything in your mimsy, you wouldn't put in your mouth.
(Yellow Car is now red, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:21, Reply)

I was advised that the best way to make ethical decisions

was to ask myself what an easily-angered super-powered invisible giant who lived in the sky and spied on me all the time would want me to do.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:17, Reply)

says me to my sister:
sticking a pin through your thumbnail is absolutely painless. Oh, says she... result: one screaming kid sister(pain), one screaming mum(anger).
(radja, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:16, Reply)

urban myth

After believing my grandma for most of my life, I have recently found out that there's usually only one, or at most two, mickles make a muckle.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:14, Reply)

I smashed my foot last weekend
It is currently hideously swollen, blue and yellow, but not broken, thankfully. I'm not telling you how i did it, as it's neither dashing or interesting. Just stupid.
After much sage and useful advice from ordinary folks (cold compresses every two hours, ibuprofen on full stomach, etc) a nurse instructed me:
"now, no running for at least a week"
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:12, Reply)

Eat Your Crusts & Your Hair Will Curl...
Helpful advice from my Mum. Too many crusty sarnies. I now have hair that makes passing through doorways a slightly difficult task.

Thank god for GHDs.
(NJ, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:11, Reply)

Sex
Having sex with as many men as possible will lead to you finding your one true love.
421 men so far and no mister right maybe time for a change of tatics?
(Dingo21 killing hippos on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:10, Reply)

meeting my Irish girlfriend's parents for the first time
she 'advised' (read commanded) me that in order to make a good impression I should make an effort with my appearance.

Being Australian, I had to consult the internet to see what was appropriate for formal occassions in Belfast.

I though I copied it exactly but I don't know, maybe I had the gloves on wrong or something.

Mod Edit: No leeching pictures please.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 16:07, Reply)