Wee wee etiquette
My aunt once told me that I should always aim directly for the water instead of the inside of the bowl when urinating, otherwise "You'll wreck it". What my aunt was doing in the toilet with me whilst I was micturating is something I can't properly recall.
(The Turgid Dahlia, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 1:34, Reply)

i'm an emo kid... non-comforming as can be... etc.
but when my (now) ex told me she wasn't in love with me anymore, my mum told me 'well just remember the good times'.

funny...
when you're desperately in love with someone, and thats taken away, the good times just serve to remind of you how they're not going to happen again.

the glass is most definitely half empty.
:(
(quibble, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 0:15, Reply)

tube
I told someone to go to Paddington from Oxford Circus via the Central line Westbound and then the Circle line Eastbound, or the Hammersmith and City Line Eastbound, but they could have just got on the Bakerloo line Westbound.
(brainburger, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 0:01, Reply)

Land of useless advice
I pass stupid signs everyday, but then again I do live in America. The one that really annoys me is the big f*cking motorway style sign that reads "Click it or ticket it" by the side of the freeway. Well no f*cking shit. That is why all cars in America since the early 1970s are required to have a flashing red light and an annoying beeping sound telling you to put your seat belt on.

The same sign also tells you how long til you reach downtown - "25 mins to Downtown", "20 mins to Downtown" etc. Everybody freaking slows down to read how long til downtown, thus adding to the amount of time til you actually reach downtown. Stop telling us how long til downtown. It doesn't help get us there any quicker.
(veniceboy lives in California, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 23:56, Reply)

Never Volunteer
My Dad (ex RAF)always drummed into me 'never volunteer for anything' - fast forward 10 years to my first job for government in London, new boss comes in and asks for volunteer for a 'special project' I kept my hand down and my mate Eddie puts his up. Eddie spends the next 2 years doing research project on the Great Barrier Reef, meets lovely girl,etc. etc. Now runs his own dive school, big house on the beach, 2 boats, own plane, drives an Aston Martin.
Thanks for the advice Dad
(Alf N. Safety - refusing you planning permission on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 23:45, Reply)

Ornithology
My Dad, being the nice sort of chap he is, decided to feed the birds that land in our garden. So off he popped to the garden centre and bought a massive 10kg bag of bird friendly peanuts. On closer inspection the back of the bag read..."Warning, may contain nuts." MAY contain nuts? I should f**king hope so.
(henry's cat is yellow on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 23:39, Reply)

Scariest advice I ever heard
I was in a KFC after seeing Smashing Pumpkins at Wembley about 10 years ago, when the door burst open. Everybody turned around to see a dirty, hairy, bearded old man dressed in only a raincoat, carrying a bottle of Johnson's Baby Lotion.

As he gyrated his pelvis back and forth, he offered this nugget of wisdom:

"And you'll go nyeeeh nyeeeh nyeeeh, and you're all gonna do it."

Then he left.

Needless to say, I haven't done it yet.
(quones, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 23:00, Reply)

This should have gone in last week...
When I was learning to drive my mum was generally a good person to practice with - she didn't say much but let me get on with it unless there was a real problem and was good company - but on one drive a month before my test gave me the most useless piece of advice possible.

I was one car behind a Morris Minor doing about 30 down a 60 road, on which there's only one point you can overtake. The car in front waits till it's clear (past the point you can really do anything) and begins to move out, just as another car rounds the corner coming towards us. He thinks he can do it and goes for it. At this point I slow down to stay well back, which is what my mum should've advised me to do, except she came out with the most useless (not to mention highly dangerous) advise possible. Both cars had to stop, and I'd left space for the overtaker to move back in. The Morris Minor carried on regardless, the old woman driving (who turned off not two minutes later) apparently blissfully unaware of the whole incident.

So what was the advice, when she should have been telling me to be sensible and keep a good distance of a seemingly innevitable crash?

"DON'T LOOK!"

Apparently she thought if I saw a bad accident I'd be put off driving. Not make it worse by going off the road, having shut my eyes.
( Whillow, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 22:50, Reply)

Pshe Sex talk
Back in the days of yore (2005), my year 10 tutor was also my drama teacher.
As a dirty old man he gave us this sound advice about condom usage in a Pshe lesson one day - and I quote:

"If you're going to go swimming in foreign waters, always wear your wellington boots"
Bearing in mind I live near swindon (home of the rampant std) and am somewhat of a geek.


Still, doesn't top the advice from my uncle at the tender age of eleven.
"When shacking up with a bird, consolidate a sober person on your catch. It might just save your credibility"
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 22:48, Reply)

Fresh out of uni, I set up my own company, and needed a van.
Looking around on eBay, I wanted something special, and for 200 quid I found something with a fresh MOT on it. For the oldies, it was a Bedford CF2 with the 2.3litre petrol engine. Guaranteed to make my customers remember me.
I was in Portsmouth, and the van was in Blackpool, so I took 10 hours worth of trains to pick this van up, and by 10pm on a damp October evening I hit the motorway to commence my journey southward.

Seeing as the tight owner hadn't put much motion lotion in, I indicated off the empty motorway for the first service station I saw. The brakes were having none of it (genuine MOT my arse), the gears failed to slow the bouncy van down, and at a massive 30mph the van had just lost enough traction to spin 90 degrees horizontally, and then 90 degrees vertically. I fell out of the windscreen.

After the wreckage had been cleared away, and a shaky coffee offered gratis from the sympathetic motorway guys, I had to hitch-hike home. My first ride (and I shit you not) was in a brand new fire engine being delivered to Birmingham. There was still the protective plastic on the passenger's seat. The gruff 60+ year old Yorkshireman let me get 30 seconds into his story before offering the sage advice "should'na bort a blummin' old van then, shouldya, ye daf' pilluck. Get theeself a nice Merc Sprinter, that's what thee shouduv done."

To a shaken-up 22 year old at 5am, 300 miles from home whose still recovering from a traffic accident and the spunking of 200 quid, the recommendation that I should have forked out for a 25k brand new van was a bit hard to swallow.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 22:44, Reply)

Directions
I get mistaken for a policeman quite a lot, as I do a bit of work with St John Ambulance, and our hi-vis jackets look fairly similar (In case you need to know, blue stripes = police, green stripes = most medical services)

This year when I was at London Marathon, the only thing I did was give directions to Tower Hill tube station. Continuously. I would be telling one bewildered group how to get there, when another group would come along, wait for me to finish with the first group, and then ask exactly the same question. This was despite me standing right next to a big road sign saying 'Tower Hill Tube Station - This way' and a big arrow pointing left. Muppets.

One of my colleagues just says 'Down there, third on the left' to anyone who asks him directions to anywhere. He then moves to a different position, and waits for his next victim...
(user_unknown, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 22:11, Reply)

Chavvy workmate
When discussing me buying my wife a xmas pressie.... 'They do some right nice jewellery in Elizabeth Duke at Argos'

I informed him she didn't want earrings i could get my body through, but thanks for the tip.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 22:10, Reply)

Parents are great for redundant advice
Day I passed my driving test, I naturally wanted to go out and have a drive around by myself, maybe pick up a few chums. So off I set, mid-afternoon, for my first solo drive.

"Be careful." I'm told as I pull away. As if I hadn't thought of that myself. Still, at least it wasn't "Don't crash."

Also, recently me and a mate tagged along on a holiday with his parents. The day we set off, his dad advises us not to run around the airport screaming that we had a bomb.

Ahh right, cos of course I thought that was standard proceedure.
(Uncle Comrade, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 22:05, Reply)

A potential cause of blindness...
Of all the parental advice dispensed to me as a youngster e.g. "Don't talk to strangers", "Look both ways before you cross the road" etc etc, the most useless was:

"Don't touch dog poo and then rub your eyes"

My mother used to tell me this every time I went out to play. Apparently, it causes blindness. Yes, well - of course it does - you won't be able to see...because you have dog shit smeared all over your eyes!

Thankfully, although the general rule of thumb for being a kid is to do absolutely everything your parents tell you NOT to do, I was never tempted on this one.

Although, in saying that - having found out that at least one other commonly rumoured cause of blindness is complete bollocks, who knows the real truth?
(aninotay, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 21:57, Reply)

My Dad's the king of useless advice.
When telling him that my hand hurt if I bent it "this way" his advice was: "Well, don't then..."

When I had a fat lip from when a bottle top hit me in the face (pressure buildup...) he said: "You should have pointed the bottle away from you". Yeah, thanks...
(Tephlon, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 21:48, Reply)

I'm reasonably confident in myself...
... but I have to agree, "just be yourself" is awful advice... most girls aren't impressed by gibbering, nervous geeks.
(Dyslexic Pidgeon, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 21:01, Reply)

if a bird shits on your windscreen

you should probably give up on internet dating.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 20:22, Reply)

'just be yourself'

Worst. Treatment for Multiple Personality Disorder. Ever.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 20:21, Reply)

Snake
I remember years ago, about 9 years old, playing Chronicles of the Sword on the playstation. Pretty standard "point and click" type of game, but bloody difficult. Anyway, Id gotten to the evil island, was standing on the beach, and there was a huge, 100 feet long rattlesnake hanging from a cliff. "Talk to the snake" suggests my brother. I then watch 5 hours work go down the drain as Gallahad is eaten, game fucking over. There wasnt even any fancy music or anything, it just leaned down and ate me.

Still, I suppose it was my fault for being stupid enough to listen to such a ridiculous piece of advice. The words "Talk to the snake" are now synonymous between me and my brother for completely pointless and dangerous ideas.
(leningradcowboy, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 19:54, Reply)

"Just be yourself"
yes, because I normally impersonate some other bugger.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 19:13, Reply)

Couple of years ago...
...I was cooking meself a nice juicy burger for lunch - in a frying pan, you understand. Now, usually I'm quite the dab hand with burgers but for some reason this little fucker was having none of it, and after ten minutes it was still completely raw apart from a blackened bit at the bottom. Being not a happy camper, I picked up a spatula to remove the offending burger from the pan to stick it under the grill instead.

Just as I leaned over the pan to scoop it up, the oil (having seemed completely dormant for ten minutes) hit flashpoint, and the entire panful went up in a huge ball of orange flame narrowly missing my eyebrows.

I leapt back with a bollock-shattering scream of "FUCKING HELL!!!!", followed by an enormous crash as both frying pan and spatula hit the floor.

Cue Mother dearest calling through from the other room:

"Turn the heat down!"

...Cheers mum.

Burger turned out alright though.
( Spazzcat jam out with your clam out, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 19:07, Reply)

Brotherly advice
My brother gave me the single most useful piece of advice, shortly after I'd been dumped by my first girlfriend for kissing her best frend.

"You're a man, You CAN live with yourself..."

Turns out he was dead right :)
( sumdarkplace is what really killed the radio star, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 18:42, Reply)

I tried to claim income support...
... when I had unpaid paternity leave earlier this year (wasn't in my new job long enough to get it paid). Was told the max would be £108, several hundred short of the mortgage.

I asked: "£108, what am I supposed to do with that?"

The answer: "Err, spend it.".

Makes sense I suppose, but thought it was useless that they didn't get my point.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 18:42, Reply)

worst advice ever re women

"make her feel special".

She left our first date after only a few minutes of me chanting 'spastic! spastic!' at her.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 18:37, Reply)

QUOTE:
Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt
and dance like noone is watching you


Yes, well, I used to dance like no one was watching, but everyone stared at me.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 18:28, Reply)

Useless if...
Im not in the habit of giving useless advice and guidance, but yesterday I got stopped on the way to one of my lectures by a confused looking middle aged bloke in a 4by4 - he wanted me to tell him how to get to a road I'd never heard of.

"I'm not sure where it is, but do you know where you are now?"
"Um, no..."
"Let me find it for you on the map, then we'll work out where the other road is"

He hands me the map.

"This is a map of Canterbury. You want the map of CAMBRIDGE."
"Ah..."

He didn't take my advice though - after I'd shown him where he was I saw him scrutinising the Cardiff map as well. After this, all my advise seemed pretty useless.
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 18:25, Reply)

Eggs
Certain egg boxes have it

Warning: May contain eggs.


...
(no friends Tasting your cake., Thu 19 Oct 2006, 18:05, Reply)

Years ago
when preparing to go to a job interview, my dad gave me the invaluable advice...

"Remember, when someone puts there hand out to you - shake it."

No shit dad, and there was me about to engage in a game of slaps with my prospective empolyer.

I got the job so maybe he did have a point (though it was hard not to jerk my hand away and wiggle it in front of my nose like a small child).
( Roman Totale, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 18:01, Reply)

Warning - Coffee may be hot
I should bloomin' well hope so! Who pays for cold coffee?
(lolwhites, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:51, Reply)

worst advice for a 14 year old:
Do well in your SATS

In Hull there's money to be had if you improve on your sats by GCSE - something to do with target grades and that. Anyway, our maths teachers tells us that SATs don't matter, because she knew our ability anyway.

Now, I tell every littler person I meet to purposefully fail their year nine exams so that they get a huge payout at GCSE time.
(hamstrungbarber chris, 1990, united kingdom, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 17:49, Reply)