My favorite Joke
Think I've posted about this before as a reply but I'll post it again as it's great. My friend was in a cubical at the London College of Speech and Drama when he saw this little gem on the wall.

How many Fucks does it take to shit a cunt?

Three, one to shit the cunt and the others to wipe the fuckpiss off my spastic.

Whoever wrote that is a god
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 10:19, 5 replies)

My favourite piece of graffiti ever:
On the much-graffitied wall of the toilets in the Ten Bells, one message stood out like a shining beacon of hope to all who read it. It said, in large letters, "Flash is a valid Queen album". And that's all that needs to be said, really.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 10:17, 7 replies)

At home growing up,
I was messing about in the loo and it came away from the floor when one of the bolts broke. My mum, instead of going mad, blamed the corrosion of the bolts holding it down and wrote on the front of the door; a warning to others.

"Before you attempt to take a seat,
make sure you drop anchor with both feet.
Because this toilet that is pissed-in,
has an unpredictable listing."

I love my mum!

Edit:
It's still there to this day nearly 15 years later in black marker pen. The toilets long fixed though. I write it whenever I come accross a toilet in a similar state of dis-repair.
(sunray18, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:58, 4 replies)

Back when I was a student at Cambridge ...
... I had the unfortunate experience of getting involved with rowing. Now Cambridge exists as a bunch of fairly separate colleges, each with its own facilities and there is quite a rivalry between them. In the boat clubs, this becomes hatred verging on petty tribal warfare. This is not helped by a series of races twice a year where boats line up along the river and the objective is to ram the boat in front of you.

The stretch of river that the boat clubs use is a pretty desolate fenland affair, punctuated only by a couple of road bridges and a railway bridge. It became traditional for these bridges to be painted with college colours and slogans and during the afore-mentioned races, they would be changing colour most nights.

One of the wittier pieces of graffiti was when a college whose colour is red painted "RED ALERT" in 6 foot letters across the A14 road bridge, only for some other college to come along a couple of nights later to change it to "INBRED ALERT". That lasted about a year and half due to a police crackdown that happened soon after. I think the police were less worried about the graffiti than about the danger to students of using improvised abseiling gear to hang of the sides of bridges in the middle of the night while pissed.

A couple of years before my time, some geniuses from my college (whose colour was magenta) decided to attempt the ambitious project of writing "The winged magenta messenger of death". Unfortunately, this turned out to be too ambitious and the fuzz turned up just as they had completed "The winged magenta messessenger", so the only thing they managed to achieve was a night in the cells and making our college look illiterate.
(Mr T, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:50, 6 replies)

The holy word of gawd.
Not quite vandalism, but close.
I was raised in a very religious family, but became less religious as time went on.
For some people, their path to impiety comes from a deep consideration of the problems of evil and pain. For others, consideration of the fundamentally disordered nature of the universe.

For me, it was 'cos, whilst reading my bible like a good boy, I squashed a spider between a couple of pages of genesis and was too terrified and revolted to open the book again for several years.

So while I was supposed to be reading my bible, I read Asimov and porno instead. Pagan!
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:48, 1 reply)

I do apologise
I went to a play in the Lyric theatre in Belfast a few years ago before it closed for refabulousment.

A previous interactive production (I was there for a set of 24 hour plays) had been about apologies or some such and so in the bar area they had these huge metal room dividers up with marker pens attached and a sign saying to add your own apology to the wall. The graffiti covered the gamut of regrets from "I'm so sorry that I ever hurt you" to "I'm sorry I let you hurt me" and even a few "I'm sorry our president is a warmongering bastard"s from the septics that visit our thespian establishments.

Me, I drew a big CDC.

And wrote "I'm sorry for drawing a big cock".
(posthumous mince is tiptoeing through the tulips, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:39, Reply)

I guess I spend a lot of time in pubs
Leather-bound menu at the Water Poet in Spitalfields. See if you can guess which letter has been scratched to make a 'C':

GOD SENDS MEAT, THE DEVIL SENDS COOKS

/edited. I really am a fat-handed twat
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:33, 4 replies)

Whilst photgraphing the Georgian splendour of Bath
I found this little gem under a bridge. I expect whoever did it has cringed every time they've walked past it since 1979.


( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:31, 1 reply)

Down at a nearby beach
On a sign - Karen Parker(nee Smith)is a slut.

Pissed off bridesmaid? Mother-in-law not too happy? Keeps me wondering.
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 8:56, Reply)

On the back of a van
The Crimestoppers logo had been altered, unless I got it all wrong and that really is the number to call should you require a Rim Stopper.
(DownhillGardener no-one does it like that anymore, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 8:27, Reply)

Possibly an Urban Myth
My friend's Dad tells this story about his 'crazy' mate, the kind of unpredictable maverick for whom ANYTHING GOES. Out on the lash in London town, and this being the 70's when people presumably did shit like this, they went for a post-binge pie and chips.

Walking home, they were all happily tucking into their gelationous treats, when Maverick decides 'Fuck this, this pie is fucking disgusting', and promptly launches it over his shoulder.

Thinking that pie chucking is probably getting off light for a night out with the maverick, the group continues unabashed, until they hear cries of protestation from behind them. A man leans out of his window, face crimson with fury.

'OI! YOUR FUCKING PIE LANDED ON MY FUCKING CARPET! IT'S RUINED!!'

The pie's fortuitous arc had somehow lofted it through the poor chap's open window before exploding it's gravylicious chunks all over his fibres.

Maverick sprints back toward the window bellowing:

'FUCK YOUR CARPET MATE, I WANT MY FUCKING PIE BACK!'
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 8:14, Reply)

Romanes eunt domus!

(McChinaman banned, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 8:02, 5 replies)

[Picture of penis]
Mansueta Tene!
(McChinaman banned, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 7:58, Reply)

Pantomime rehearsal cancelled
was written on a marker board in our local community centre last year. To which I added beneath "oh no it isn't"
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 7:57, Reply)

Impressive Button
At my college an emergancy exit door had a sign that read "PRESS TO RELEASE DOOR'

Needless to say, for the 2 years (and ongoing years afterwards) the 'R' of Door was changed into an 'M' and reverted back by staff on a number of occasions. This was helped as the button was a large, red, detonation style button. I released DOOM on almost a daily basis.
( Grinned2Death knows what Willis was talking about, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 7:53, Reply)

Commuter dispair
Back in my A level days, for a year I had to catch the train to school.

Every morning, all of the commuters in 3 small villages were all funneled down a single pathway across a common, to then cut thru an alleyway between 2 houses that lead down to the station (it saved you a good 15 min walk using this route). And down this alley, at eye level, in good sized, but not huge writing, waiting for all the middle classes living the dream of green belt living, was waiting the phrase;

"Good morning Lemmings!"

Genius......
(smirker neverletmetellyabouttheraggamuffinbiznessandting!, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 7:27, 2 replies)

Sort of Vandalism
I work in a Police Station in Australia.

Upon visiting a stall in the gents loos, I closed the door and sat down. On the back of door someone had placed a sticker.

The sticker was a 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' sticker, featuring Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Except he had been given a beard and a speech bubble saying 'Shit'.

It remained there for months. One day it disappeared [sad-face].
(theremin put the lotion in the basket on, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 7:20, Reply)

My dad used to paint the edges of his lawn with diesel
To keep things neat and tidy.
I decided, being a clever young man to paint my name in 5 foot high letters in said lawn.

Needless to say i didnt get away with it. What was i thinking?
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 5:04, Reply)

Late night in the library
Hardly anti-social behaviour, unless you're a librarian, but here goes...

Back in the good old days before computers my college library had a card system. Each withdrawal was written on a card, which was stored in a box, indexed by title, showing the person who had withdrawn it and when.

A favourite drunken activity was to write out cards for fictitious books, apparently withdrawn in the name of friends. For example:
"Coping with a small penis"
"Masturbation and me"
"The dummies guide to sex with animals"
"I spy fat birds"
etc. The hope was that the librarian would come across them occasionally. The system was computerised a few years later, and I like to think it gave the student volunteers a few giggles. It was probably a lot funnier if you were pissed.
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 3:37, 1 reply)

GCSE Science Book...
Random picture of a black guy & white guy facing each other, my mate Ordish drawing a slice of cake being held by a badly drawn hand & two speech bubbles, one with the word "Cake"? In it, & another with the reply "Yes thankyou, I'm parched". Don't ask me why, but at the time, this was the funniest fucking thing we'd ever seen, & thus, between four of us, proceeded to write it in pretty much every copy of the book we could get our hands on.

I found out from a pupil at my old school recently, that ten years on, they still have the same books with the same graffitti in.
(Dr Fishfinger Want's to see a fat man give a tit wank, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 1:52, Reply)

When I was 4
I wrote "FUCK OFF" in purple felt tip pen on the outside wall of the apartment we were staying in in Majorca. I had seen it written on a wall near my house and had no idea what it meant. I still denied it when asked about it though, which prompted my mum to accuse me further even going as far as pointing out it was written in the same colour purple felt tip pen that I had been colouring in with earlier.

"Lots of people have purple felt tip pens" I said.

"Right" she said, and disappeared off to find my felt tip pens.

What I had had failed to factor into my stunning defence is that considerably fewer people in our apartment complex had those "magic" felt tip pens that changed colour when you ran the special white pen over them.

30 seconds later I was getting thoroughly yelled at for lying, vandalism, swearing and being a little smartarse.

And the words "FUCK OFF" were now a limey green colour.
( PMGT -Bacon., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 1:41, Reply)

Free Tibet
With purchase of another Tibet of equal or lesser price.




Had me almost fall off the toilet when I read that.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 0:54, 3 replies)

Possibly an urban legend
Following a defeat of the All Blacks at the hands of the Wallabies, a disgruntled Kiwi fan showed his displeasure by writing the following on the wall of a bathroom at the stadium:

AUSTRALIA SUX

Unfortunately for the hapless sheep-shagger, an Australian fan then followed this up with:

NEW ZEALAND NUL
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 0:35, 6 replies)

Fisto Part 2
Not about me, but definately on topic...

So, from the Best Graffiti Ever QOTW , this guy Fisto was everywhere during my formative years in the Soviet Socialist Republic of South Yorkshire.

Since that QOTW, I found this in the independent of when he got sentenced. I remember that now, it was in the middle of my A levels and even then I thought it was the end of an era. He got out after a year, after massive public camaign - the proles loved him bless 'em. Then was back inside for the same tricks soon, new tag Ajax

And I've just found out what he's been up to this year! Brilliant!

Night all:)
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 0:16, 8 replies)

CLAPTON IS GOD
_{THAT IS ALL}
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 0:05, 4 replies)

One that made me chuckle...
... is (or maybe was) in the bog at Porta Susa railway station in Turin. It said, simply: "Andrea, sei un maiale." Or, if you prefer it in English, "Andrew, you're a pig."
(barbedwiretumbleweed Fast 'n' Bulbous!, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 23:57, Reply)

Very childish. I apologise before I start.
In between my town and the next town along, there is an area undergoing regeneration. The area is called Pool. As you come off the dual carridgeway into Pool, there is a huge white billboard that states POOL IS THE FUTURE. They're getting a Travel Lodge and everything.
Driving though here quite a while ago now, somebody had removed the L from Pool, leaving the sign reading, in huge black letters on a huge white billboard, for all the visiting tourist to see "POO IS THE FUTURE"
If you then turn right towards my town, the area is called Tuckingmill, and somebody had put an extra horizontal line on the T, making the sign read Fuckingmill.
Imagine if you will, the hoards and hoards of tourists we get all year round, and especially in the summer (Cornwall you see, full of em) coming into town to see a huge sign reading POO IS THE FUTURE, followed immediately by one saying FUCKINGMILL.
I know it's crap, I know it's childish, but I loved those signs. They have been normal for quite a while now. I'm too chicken to vandalise them myself, but it may be time to offer the local scumbag chavs a bottle of cider to re-do the signs.
( user_names_suck, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 23:53, Reply)

Ljubljana and London Bridge
firstly, Ljubljana, not content with having horse burger fast food joints has LOADS of massively juvenile cock graffiti

secondly, someone has written "Big Dave's Gusset" on a wall on the way from London Bridge to Waterloo, which makes me chuckle


(Darth Vodka, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 23:42, 1 reply)

Is this vandalism?
Or just messing with someones mind?
Sharing a house with a couple of people including an anal retentive priss ( but also a bit of a slapper when drunk) who had different calendars pinned up in various places around the house denoting when bills were to be paid, when rubbish was to be put out and who was to clean what and when.
Mostly we ignored them apart from me about the one pinned onto the bathroom door.
She would add a red dot sticker when her period came and then a gold dot sticker when the next one was due.
Sometimes I peeled off the gold dot sticker and restuck it several days or even a week before.
And then sit straight faced as she staggered home, consulted the calendar on route to the bathroom and went to bed white and shocked
I'd then move the sticker back so in the morning all was well
Helen if you by any chance are reading this, sorry but your prissy ways wound me up
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 23:37, Reply)

Allowed Vandalism
Repost from the Pubs QotW www.b3ta.com/questions/pubs/post365150

The Prince Albert.
It's a small pub on a back road in Ely. It's a place where a sixty year old goes and gets called young. But it's still a laugh to go in there every now and then. Plus the owners go into my shop now and again.

Anyway, I'm going to tell you about their toilets. More so the men’s toilets, and even more so the have a chalk board over the urinals. Always has good lines written on it. This is what I've read on it.

- (In one handwriting) I love it when a plan comes together. (Under that in a different handwriting) I pity the fool that wrote the above.
- Eyes down for a wet shoe.
- Keep your eyes on the prize, and not on this message.
- Give me 15 men of steel, and I can claim back Ely in a week. (Then someone else wrote) Just give me 3 Ninja's and I can take it before daylight.

That's all I can think of right now. I'm still planning on drawing a CDC on it, but I'm worried about using the chalk.
(Dante licked your nipple on, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 23:31, 3 replies)