Little idiots
At my Uncle Joe's wedding, both my brother and I, (aged 10 & 5 respectively) were running about like little arses (as you do at that age)... and erm, one of us tripped and fell. Thought nothing of it at the time but it turned out we'd tripped over the power cable for the cameraman's equipment and erm, shut it all down.

Apart from 10 minutes of rough 'setting up' footage - absolutely fuck all was recorded from that day. Not bad, eh?
(tommiie, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 0:39, Reply)

At my brother's wedding, last month...
...the marriage itself went well, and when we arrived back at the hotel on Canary Wharf (the Marriott, for those who know it), someone jokingly asked the bride's dad (whose just-married daughter both me and my non-married brother traditionally don't get along with) "got anything to say?" to which he replied, in a bit of a joke-wrongly-put kind of way, "I'm glad at last to get rid of her."

I turned to my brother with a massive grin on my face and, to the silent room, went "that's possibly the best speech I've heard", thus taking the piss out of the bride and her dad in front of my genuinely impressed family.

The rest of my night had my drunken brother calling our new sister-in-law "little sis", which pissed her off royally.

Highlight of the night came, however, in my brother saying "Tuck in!" in a pirate voice when the food came along, causing me to snort red wine.

The bride's dad looks like Captain Bird's Eye, you see.

Fnar fnar
( TGP on the rock 'n' roll, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 0:33, Reply)

Singing
I used to sing weddings a while ago and I remeber this one guy who when kneeling up at the altar had the words
"Help" painted in tipex on the soles of his shoes. Needless to say the bride looked less than impressed when everyone started cupping their mouths sniggering and when she was told later that it was on the wedding video :S
(fact12878, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 0:14, Reply)

At a friend's wedding.
Watching another friend's young lad run around hitting random people with a rather large animal shaped balloon was made even funnier as I had witnessed him flush said balloon's head down a toilet moments earlier.

I forget what the animal was, which is surprising as the little shit hit me square in the face with it.

At my own wedding, my mate having a difference of opinion with the carvery-server-fella who refused to serve him a third helping.

Friend: "But my mate has paid for all of this"
CSF: "Yes but we need to have enough left over so the staff can eat later, see?"

If anyone has seen Super Troopers, think Rod Farva in the burger place.

Also, watching the hotel's peripheral staff help themselves to the wine we had laid on for everyone else but them got me rather annoyed.

To this day my wife maintains that slightly lagging the four-poster bed during the night does not make it quits.

Talk to the hand.....
(Filthy Rich, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 0:12, Reply)

Well, the drinks were already paid for...
My brother told me this. Decide for yourself whether it's true.

My brother's friend (yes, it's one of those stories)went to the posh wedding of a mutual friend. The ceremony was very nice. Not even a snigger at the "If anyone has any reason why these two should not be wed..."

At the reception they went through the usual speeches. You know: Toast to the bride's parents, parents reply, toast to the groom's parents, parents reply etc. There was lot's of the usual "Thank you Aunty mary for arranging the lovely wedding cake. Thank you Tina and Cathy for being such lovely flower girls etc." Until it came time for the the Bridesmaids toast. The best man toasted the bridesmaids in the usual way "Thank you girls for supporting the bride in this stressful time, helping her organise everything, etc.". The groom stood up to reply on the behalf of the Bridemaids and to make his own toast.

"Thank you very much to my new in-laws who have welcomed me into their family so warmly.", he said. "Thank you to my parents who have welcomed XXX (can't remember bride's name into our family and who have done so much to support me and my new wife in the past. Thank you so much to Auntie Wendy for (whatever)..." Until he capped it off with "And last of all, thank you so much to my best man for being such a great friend all my life. A good friend, a good laugh, always happy to help out - we had a wonderful time growing up together. But most af all, thank you for fucking my bride last night!". At which point he sat down.

The room was silent. The best man was stunned. The bride burst into tears and ran from the room, followed by closely her family and then by the best man. The groom settled into a night of heavy drinking. He was heard to say "Well, it happened last night. There wasn't much I could do about it then and the food and drink had been paid for."

Kudos to him for sticking it out through the wedding and speeches. I understand the marriage was anulled.

~ Length? It's genetic.
(Stinkfinger, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 0:01, Reply)

10 year old bridesmaid
I managed to piss myself whilst bridesmaid for my cousin. Mum had to move her train out of the way of the puddle.
(winestain, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 23:53, Reply)

Video Cameras
Incidentally - people who wish to capture the wonderous day for posterity need to take some notes here :

1) Hire a professional (I am not one).

2) If you fail to hire a professional and wish to provide said video camera yourself, at least ensure it works.

3) Also ensure the batteries are charged to prevent the poor schlub you deem responsible for the task of videoing said ceremony suffering an awkward moment where he says "ahh bollocking shite" very loudly as the power runs out half-way through the speeches.

4) Ensure your nominated videographer does not drink several double whiskeys before the main meal so that when it comes to "speech time" he is too inebriated to control the volume of his voice.

5) Do not, under any circumstances, allow the videographer to make suggestions to the bridesmaids about the money he could make with a video camera and three willing volunteers.

6) 90% of ladies frocks have "a special translucency" when viewed with the aid of a video cameras' green-light night-sight. This is an under-appreciated fact.


I still get asked to do weddings.
(PCheese, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 23:42, Reply)

As a 'hilarious' prank at our auntie's reception,
my cousin cut the bottom off one of the posh baguettes, hollowed a bit out of the middle, pushed a dog turd into it, and replaced it on the buffet.

It was found about an hour later, but he didn't own up until three years afterwards because my auntie was in tears at the time - she'd discovered the rogue 'lawn egg' whilst cutting a slice for her new mother-in-law.

---------------

My dad also tells of a legendary stag do at his uni, when a bunch of his mates went over to northern France for a massive all-day bender. The groom got a call the following afternoon from the best man saying he was terribly sorry but he wasn't going to make the wedding.

Why?

He'd just woken up on a train platform in Hungary wearing somebody ele's coat with the pockets full of broken glass, and given that he was supposed to be at the church in 45 minutes, he reckoned he'd be cutting it a bit fine...
( grey kid is breakdancing to save a community centre, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 23:36, Reply)

Oh dear vicar...
I was page boy to my parents friends wedding when I was about 14 and by "page boy" this meant I was given this behomoth of an archaic video camera and told to point it at the bride and groom and record the ceremony. His name was Morgan, hers... Mandy.

Oh the poor vicar was having such a hard time not saying it, but to his credit he got all the way to the "kiss the bride bit" before he said with gusto "Mork and Mindy - I now pronounce you man and wife".

There was a gentle titter of amusement, everyone surprised he'd held off for so long but then as the happy couple shared their first married kiss he leaned forward conspiringly and whispered "Nanoo Nanoo eh, I bet that happens all the time".
(PCheese, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 23:31, Reply)

I was best man for my mate...
... but I hardly knew the bride or her family at all. Driving her parents to the reception, I tried to make small talk.

Me: So, is Helen an only child then? Any other family weddings recently?
Her dad: What?!
Me: Helen - is she an only child?
Her dad: She had a brother.
Me [utterly thrown by this reply]: What? Oh... she... eh? had? um...
Her dad: He died.
Me: ... oh...
Her dad: Quite suddenly.
Me: ah...
Her mum: It was a blood clot in his lung.
Me: ah...
Her mum: He just keeled over.
Her dad: But we don't talk about that.
Me: Oh... right... no... not today, anyway.
Her dad: Especially not today.
...
Me: So, nice weather...
( teedyay, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 23:18, Reply)

An alcoholic's blood would appear not to be thicker than water......
My dear old dad, he used to like a drink, which, to his credit he's now managed to kick. Unfortunately this was a deciding factor in my folks divorce when I was a fragile 10 year old.

During this hedonistic time of Special Brew filled evenings he had managed to start seeing a new woman fairly frequently, but no amount of alcohol can really excuse neglecting to invite myself, my brother and our brand-new stepbrother and sister to the wedding that the two of them had enjoyed whilst we were at school one day.

Cheers then.
(Filthy Rich, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 23:13, Reply)

weddings.. psh
the last wedding i went to was my uncle's 2nd marriage. me and my sister weren't given a song book, and not being religious types, had no idea what the words to any of the hymns were. we were given the choice of either standing there making it obvious, or mouthing what we could hear..

disatster, i can tell you.

the after party thing involved our stupid cousins telling us how much they hate us, and my sister getting sick, so i had to sit in a corner by myself all night..
(harrietthespy, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 23:09, Reply)

Receiving Line
I came to the wedding ceremony a derelict, knowing no one but the bride, and her but barely. Afterwards, I joined the receiving line, and stood, quite by accident, next to a random, solitary princess: tall, athletic, good-looking, tanned, taut.

The mother of the bride (whom I had never met) approached. She looked at the princess, then to me, and to my surprise, smiled brightly and said in the sweetest manner imaginable: "We have heard SO much about you!" I was apparently the princess' missing better half!

Despite the dawning look of horror on princess's face, the derelict played along: "And I have SO much wanted to meet you! We'll talk more at the reception!"

I had a wonderful time at the reception with my newfound friends, but had a devil of a time locating my better half for dancing and pictures eating wedding cake.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 23:02, Reply)

Breakdancing
I breakdanced in front of a hundred or so guests in a yellow silk shirt and blue corduroy trousers and waistcoat.

I was 8 years old.

Nuff said.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 22:56, Reply)

The Arabs Call These Dust Storms 'Haboobs'
June weddings in the desert heat of Phoenix, Arizona are a menace. We were able to escape the 116 F (47 C) heat inside the fancy resort, but the service was interrupted by dozens of squealing intruders when an approaching dust storm thrashed several simultaneous outdoor weddings, ruining hair and kicking grit into people's eyes, teeth, and any number of wedding cakes. Made a hella big joint reception afterwards, though!
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 22:08, Reply)

Whisky
At my uncle's wedding, as a little gift at the meal, they had placed a little ceremonial whisky bottle with a picture of the location of the reception and their names underneath it.

While rather hammered later on in the evening, my brother, my cousin and myself were bored and were looking to cause some trouble. We found an entire box full of these whisky bottles.

To make a short story shorter, I woke up in the morning in a double-bed with my brother and my cousin lying comatose at the bottom of the bed and our own replica Berlin Wall built entirely out of empty whisky bottles.

We wrapped them up in a bedsheet and lobbed them in the wardrobe and decided to check out sharpish.
(HealdPK, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 22:06, Reply)

a couple of friends
At the last wedding they were invited to my friends Todd and Ryan managed to light one of the bridesmaids on fire. To their credit, they did put her out pretty quickly - at least they didn't try to do it by throwing alcohol.
( kingoffools, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 21:24, Reply)

Not wedding, reception but still
My best friend's mam and stepdad were married last December, so me, my boyfriend and 2 of my mates went to the reception afterward.
We arrived late, as we didn't know where we were going, and got lots of funny looks off the family, we got a bit tipsy, I was wearing a teeny pink dress with torn tights and Doc Martens, we got a bit more tipsy, one of my friends got into a verbal fight with the barman because he wouldn't serve us, calling him gay and basically just taking the piss out of him (she was 15). After a couple of alcopops I was rather drunk. Ahhh, good timeS :)
( Kittenpants, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 21:21, Reply)

Nightmare wedding from hell - my own
My Dad decided that his speech would be a 15 minute long 'bag of jokes' mainly along the theme of 'what a wayward, naughty girl I was with so many boyfriends', and how I lost my virginity at 16 (neither true, nor appropriate for a wedding speech - actually I was 15, but he'll never know that now - tee hee).

My maid of honour then continued the theme, including filmed excerpts of me dancing round like a slapper in various uni plays like 'Little shop of horrors' and 'Cabaret'. She tops it all off by producing the tassled sequined bra I'd worn in one of the performances. (If you're reading this J, I'm STILL just as angry 7 years on, and will never speak to you again).

What they failed to realise was that 60% of the 'audience' were VERY religious, over 60 and had never met me before (all being my husbands rellies). (And they all knew I was 3 months up the duff too). Silence all round.

Decided to hold my head up high and dance my troubles away and have a laugh.

THEN, when it came time to go to the 'Wedding Suite', we discovered my stepmonster had somehow harranged the manager into giving her the keys so she could use it as the BABYSITTING room for her kids! Walked in to discover several sleeping children being hoisted out, the fruit basket and choccies all gone, several films and video games charged to the room, and....a wet bed.

My husband always says he must be the only groom in the world to have slept in somebody elses wet spot.

After the manditory worn out, pregnant bridal tantrum, we finally decided to get down to 'consummating our now blessed union', when my stepmonster CALLS THE ROOM and asks us to get out of bed and find a diamond earring that she's lost. Cue another screaming tantrum.

Good to know everyone else had a good time though. Pretty much all of the bridesmaids and ushers had sex with eachother. Result. Couldn't figure out who was in who's room in the morning for breakky.
(Peelmytangerines, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 21:20, Reply)

it tolls for thee
A few years back, one of my sisters got married in rural NC and I was slated to give her away at the ceremony.

At the rehearsal dinner the night before I downed about 5 pints of beer, a full fifth of Jack Daniels and smoked a couple of cigars.

The most memorable event from the evening (at least for everyone else) occurred after the dinner. My family went to the church at 2 am to decorate it for the big day. When we got there, I ran into the church and grabbed hold of the bellringer's rope and swung myself across the church like Tarzan, thereby ringing the bell and waking up the entire town. My family managed to get me down, took me back to the hotel and put me to bed.

The next morning it was unbelievably hot in the church, and I was sweating beer and Jack profusely. As I stood at the front of the church ready to give my sister away, I was struck with the strong urge to "spill my guts" all over the church. I stood there holding it in until finally I passed out while still standing. Apparently, as I stood there, I started kicking one of my legs like a bull getting ready to charge (my body trying to keep itself upright while my mind was elsewhere) and then my other brother-in-law yelled "he's going down" and ran to the front of the church and caught me just as I collapsed all over the wedding party. No barf though, because I'm an awesome little brother.
( kingoffools, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 21:11, Reply)

kilts
Me. aged 16. Got wasted. wearing kilt. sick. everywhere. family. not. impressed. fuck.
(ben_1903 www.crackout.tk, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 21:08, Reply)

B3ta read my mind...
Got engaged not two weeks ago, wedding due to arrive next year... and now this QOTW??
Weird...

Am getting very, VERY worried reading this btw.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 21:01, Reply)

Went to a wedding last Saturday...
...in Central London. It was quite poignant and everyone who was invited made it.

We had a great day with lots of friends celebrating very happy occasion. It was quite cathartic under the circumstances.

And no-one was afraid (many were v.v. drunk, however, but that's compulsory!)

The first dance was to 'Smack My Bitch Up'
( huntersbar, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 20:36, Reply)

Army Slapper Wives
The year is 1990, and my friend Emma is marrying Pete, an Army squaddie. She has a bridesmaid called Nikki, who frankly is giving me the 'come & fucking get it'.

Late afternoon, and a trip into Andover (the wedding was in Middle wallop or somesuch) and i blag a lift into town with three lads to get fags, and I say 'that bridesmaids def up for it, I'm in there, she's a fucking dirty slapper'....turns out her husband is in the front passenger seat. Cue silence. (Interestingly, not hostile, more embarrassed. Fair point.)

Ah well.

No result either, I imagine she got an earful & decided to let it go. Never mind, I got pissed instead.

Pete fucked off with Emma's ugly as sin 'best friend' (hardly) to Vancouver I think, where they still spawn apparently (after a period in Germany and then relocating to Ipswich where said affair kicked off). They had a daughter called Tabitha.

If anyone knows him, tell him from me he's a cunt.
(InfiniteZenMaster, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 20:23, Reply)

Unlikely wedding songs (Blimey, it's a long one!)
I play in a band. We used to play our own stuff but in recent years have taken to playing birthdays and weddings, money-grabbing whores that we are.

Anyway, we had been asked to play at the wedding of a friend-of-a-friend. Since they offered us £500 we didn't really feel we could turn it down. They did, however, make a rather odd request. Would we, they asked, play the Radiohead song Karma Police, as it was a favourite of theirs. Since we used to cover this song we agreed, although not without some trepidation as to how it was going to go down at a wedding.

Many arguments concerning placement of said song ensued. In the end it was decided that we would play it as an encore at the end of the night when everyone was nice and mullered. Well, the moment came and we were going down an absolute storm and we didn't want to be the ones to bring the party crashing down.

Anyway, the moment finally arrived. "Thankyou, goodnight." The DJ (who can be a band's best friend or its worst enemy) egged the crowd on and they duly shouted for more. The bridegroom tottered over and asked if we were going to play Karma Police. This was the moment. We knew we couldn't put it off any longer.

We launched into the song and were greeted by cries of recognition. Soon the dancefloor was packed with people. And not just young people; I spotted at least one couple of advanced age wobbling around the dancefloor singing along to every word. As if that weren't enough when the song came to a climax we received a rousing cheer. This lead our lead-singer, in a moment of either blind panic or blind optimism, to ask "would you like to hear 'Street Spirit'"?

Again we received a cheer so we duly began the song, which also used to be a staple of our live set. Let us just say that, contrary to all known common-sense and experience, it went down brilliantly! The sight of a newly-married bride and groom swaying along with all of their pissed up mates, singing "immerse your soouuuull . . . in looooove" at the tops of their voices is one that will stay with me for a very long time.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 19:49, Reply)

Kilts
Kilts are great. They make us Scots look sexy and distinguished. Just don't go 'true scotsman' then get drunk and slip on the dancefloor (dress shoes = no grip) and land with your kilt over head. Exposing your Gaelic treasures to all and sundry. While dancing with your mum. Illiciting a comedic response from the band. Never, never, never do that. Especially, I say especially, when the local news crews are filming the entire thing.
Worst part is, somebody else gave the tape to 'you've been framed' and pocketed the cash. The fucks.
(weirzbowski, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 19:32, Reply)

Yeeears ago...
Back in my early single digits -- too young to remember, but old enough to say really embarassing things at the right time -- my parents were invited to their friends' wedding. I, being the too-young-to-leave-at-home sprog, was dragged along with a tube of Smarties to keep me quiet.

Did anyone know of any just cause or impediment? Let them speak now or forever hold their peace...

A solitary voice, innocent and blameless.

"I DROPPED MY 'MARTIES!"

My folks haven't let me forget it since. Even twenty-something years later. Twunts.
(dungeoneer, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 19:24, Reply)

While at Uni, i worked weekends in a hotel
...and thus saw a LOT of wedding receptions, and have a lot of semi interesting memories of them. But rather than bore you all, I'll stick to just one. At the moment.

Wedding speeches are always fun, and one Father-of-the-Bride effort went along the lines of "Well, it's finally happened. My little Sophie's married. It's the moment that my wife and I have been hoping for, and chance for her new life to start. But as one door closes, another opens, and I'm taking this opportunity to tell my wife that I've had enough. You may have thought that I believed your weekends away involved visiting your sister, but I knew that you spent the weekend knob-gobbling and ass-fucking Jeffrey (groom's surname). So... " (getting sheaf of papers from pocket) "...I'm filing for divorce. You'll get nothing from me, and you two can pay for the wedding."

FotB raises glass, knocks back Scotch, and walks off. Rather spoilt the mood for the rest of the night
( Tepid_Halibut felt like a cold, empty shell of a human...until, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 19:16, Reply)

My bride-to-be was Hungarian
And they have this nice little tradition that during the reception the bride is "stolen." For her to be returned the groom has to perform a forfeit, usually sing a song.

Now, I'm a professional muso, but the thought of having to "sing" puts me in a panic.

Cue attempts to charm/bribe my way out of it.
So I'm up on the stage and that black microphone mouthpiece looks HUGE. Guitarist asks me what I'm gonna sing.
"Any ideas?" I ask.
"What about "Hey Yood?"
"What?"
"Hey Yood!"
"Oh....Hey Jude. Erm, OK"

Half way through I forget words AND melody and end up doing a half-assed Shatner on it.

After, brother comes up and says "Well that was really catchy."
"Really?"
"Yep. Like typhoid."

Got the missus back though:)
(roysin, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 18:56, Reply)

Tumbleweed moment
I've done my share of wedding videos so I've seen many, many speeches in my time!

My absolute favourite was the time the Groom said "I'd now like to call upon the Father of the Bride to say a few words". The old geezer stood up and, in a loud, terribly-pleased-with-himself voice, said "A few words!".

The silence was deafening.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 18:50, Reply)