And so she strode up to me, five foot two of pure anger, and said, "We need to talk."
"No," I replied "We don't."

And that was that.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 23:36, Reply)

When I should have said it.
Met a girl. Knew she fancied me, but it took me ages to get up the confidence to get to know her.

Finally hooked up.

First night together, nothing serious, just kissing and cuddling. No drama, just really nice.

Next morning, I'm up early for work, really happy. She rolls over and looks up at me.

'Will you always be with me? Will you always love me?'

I should have said: 'Woah there, I've only just got to know you: we need to talk..'

What I did say, thinking she was messing about: 'Of course!'

Two years of total mentalisim later I finally said what I SHOULD have said the first night..

She was fun. But oh my god she was insane.
(inflateable, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 22:45, Reply)

Slightly different wording

but amusing enough, nonetheless.

Was out with the other half a couple of days ago and suddenly, out of the blue, a question pops into my head. I turn to the byrd and says 'Can you answer me something?'

Oo golly, thinks she. We'd been having something of a debate (we don't argue about couple stuff, just foolish petty things like the nature of truth, the limits of radical feminism and the intelect of anyone that joins the army). I'd been thinking about our latest "debate" (the army one) and was concidering the pro's and con's of dating a politically-inclined feminist (Either way, the conversation could turn pretty serious), so I put down my food and - pause for dramatic effect - the big Q...

'Why does your mate Lucie wear all that horrible white stuff round her eyes? It makes her look ugly'

'exit tension'

And a look of relief appears on her face as she remembers that not everything is as dramatic as it is in her head.
( Coventry, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 22:26, Reply)

In my case...
...no, I'm quoting from my former bosses at a major corporation. Sadly, "Dilbert" is not a cartoon, it's a documentary.

Another shining example of corporate wankage: they actually had made and passed out to all employees these beautiful deep blue coffee mugs with gold stars on them and the slogan "STAR: Striving To Achieve Results". I mean, come on! We're not seven year olds who get an uplift from a slogan on the coffee mug! Jeez, give us a shiny thing to make us work harder? You really think we're all that retarded?

Assholes.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 23 Apr 2007, 22:13, Reply)

Is it me,
or are the people adding to Frank's list just quoting Dilbert?
( giftedweasel forgot what he was going to type on, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 22:03, Reply)

arrrrrrgh no more talking!
I was about 18 and had just finished my very last a-level exam when I got the "we have to talk" line from my Mother.

I'd picked her up from work when she suggested that we stop for a sneaky beverage on the way home. I was driving so I decided to opt for a soft drink, but instead she decided to ply me with Jack Daniels (at four in the afternoon) and proceed to tell me that she was divorcing my Dad. She then bought me more drinks and made me skive off my shift at the local supermarket, as I was too pisseed to serve the unsuspecting public. What a fucking shit day that turned out to be.

I'd imagined that I'd be stoned off my tits and celebrating the end of an educational era. Needless to say I wasn't too keen on "talking" and couldn't really fancy the post-work night out on the lash with my mates after hearing about the demise of my parents marriage.

It's not all doom and gloom, the parentals got back together a month later and they celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary next year. It properly wanked all over my end of a-level celebrations though. I won't be forgetting that when it comes to choosing the retirement home....
(madamebonsoir, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 21:57, Reply)

Shower of cunts
It's usually "shower" as opposed to "showers", shower being a term for "a group of". A herd of cunts, a gaggle of cunts, a shower of cunts etc.

On topic, I have not been on the end of any particularly bad "We have to talk"'s from relationships, but once from my boss when I worked as a supervisor in a nightclub.

On my night off I came up to the door, quite pissed and very happy with it. As I arrived, the bouncer was knocking back four well dressed people two of whom, to be fair to him, were not the clientele we let in. But no, nobody's going to have a bad night when I'm around.

"It's fine," said I "Let them in."

"Er, no," said he, giving me a glare, "We're full."

"No, no, no, it's ok, they can go in, let them in."

"No, Lannes, we...are...full..."

We'll see about that I thought, and picked up the nearby radio. I then pretended to radio upstairs, in full view and earshot of the aforementioned foursome and bouncer, with a conversation that ran like this:

"Are we full upstairs? What? No? Ok cheers."

In my drunken state I thought it was quite clever pretending not to hear the other bouncer's reply first, when in reality of course, I wasn't receiving any replies and all six of us knew it.

I then turned round to the four and said "In you go." And in they went, much to the chagrin of the bouncer (understandably).

It was the next morning the boss said "We need to talk."*


*and quite rightly too.
(Lannes, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 21:32, Reply)

Still scratching my head...
Okay, admittedly as an American I do sometimes have to do a little digging around to find out the meanings of various terms and phrases, but this is a wholly new one:

"About 10 minutes later the boss stormed through the door and threw his mug of coffee into the kitchen, smashing it everywhere. Shouting about "showers of cunts"..."

"Showers of cunts"? Is that where it rains Fleshlights or something? Could someone please explain this to me?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 23 Apr 2007, 20:47, Reply)

spikeypickle
Fuckin stupid hippy bitch!

Fuckin stupid hippy bitch!

Punishment was delivered by form of a 50hour labour and ripped inards!!!

I think she dodged a bullet when she chucked you. Fucksake man.
(SusK, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 19:36, Reply)

"I'm coming over, ...
we have to talk," and I knew it was over. However, I did not anticipate the hilarious, mentally-unstable-person logic regarding why "we had to talk." She tells me that we have to break up because she was "having anxiety attacks at work about us breaking up."

Well, that's certainly a novel solution... nutter.

My friends have since convinced me that the first question you ask before getting involved in a relationship is, "are you on any medications?" Sound advice.
( kingoffools, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 19:27, Reply)

and yet another
whatevs.

Gaaah! I really fucking hate that!
(DippyFi, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 18:35, Reply)

More for the list!
"Synergy".
"Robust."
"Value-added."
"Paradigm." (Actually, there used to be an ad I liked for text messaging by phone in the 90s in which there was a motivational speaker at a company who pronounced that word as "para-diggum". He concluded by telling one guy to "Step away from the box!")

Corporate wankage drives me up the friggin' wall.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 23 Apr 2007, 18:11, Reply)

Further items for Franks list
I loathe management spiel. Examples that are on topic include the following; instead of we need to talk, we are told at work we need to "touch base" so we can "get up to speed".

Utter bollocks.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 17:57, Reply)

QUOTE
"just remember, 'Reverend Laity Fields' is an anagram in part of 'very sad life'"

the only anagram I can find is "try sever dead Fellini".

and interestingly, 'frankspencer' is an anagram of 'Frank Spencer'.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 17:54, Reply)

and to add to Frank's list
tenses:
"I done that already"
"my mate come round the other day"

Or the inability to distinguish between "your" and "you're" - perfectly summed up by the teenage pikey slapper i saw on the bus the other day with "your retarded" on her t-shirt.

Length - it's been a f&cking long day for a monday.
(Handel blah blah blah, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 17:38, Reply)

More irritating than "we have to talk"
"Do I look fat in this?"
"Can I ask you a question?"
"People - listen up!"
"You have issues."
"Do you want a hug?"
"Are you a friend of Jesus/"
"I don't eat carbs."
"Anyhoo."
'lol."
"Laters!"
"I'm loving it!" (or any similar desecration of the tenses)
(frankspencer, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 17:08, Reply)

One week
before glastonbury, had the need to talk conversation, I got dumped, she went to glastonbury without me. Fortunately, it fuckin pissed down and lots of tents got washed away. Unfortunately, she didnt fuckin drown.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 16:32, Reply)

The words were never spoken
In fact I had no idea it was coming but she (the ex) pissed me off this morning so I'm using this little posting as sort of ranting therapy type thingy.

The year was 2006, towards the end of January. Her exact words....

I DON'T WANT YOU AND I DON'T WANT THE BABY

A week after finding out she was pregnant and telling me how much she loved me etc etc. And by fuckin text!!!! She had the baby and is now a sausage dodger, raising my boy on the other side of the world with her 'life partner'. Fuckin stupid hippy bitch!

Fuckin stupid hippy bitch!

Fuckin stupid hippy bitch!

Fuckin stupid hippy bitch!

Fuckin stupid hippy bitch!

Punishment was delivered by form of a 50hour labour and ripped inards!!!

Fuckin stupid hippy bitch!

Did I mention thats she's a stupid fuckin bitch?
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 16:28, Reply)

Hmm impending doom?
Well it seems I have made a hash up of a few things.

Long story short.

4 year relationship, 2 years together at Uni, 2 years she moved 130 miles away and I stayed in Uni town. First did another 1 year degere then a 2 year contract job came up. So 3 years 7 months into the relationship, I moved into a house with 4 others. Things are getting tense between me and the other half anyway but we make it to 4 years almost on the dot seeing each other every second/third weekend.

This other girl starts coming round a lot who is a friend of a housemate. She is round all the time and yes inevitably we get on like a house on fire. Slightly altered sense of morals thanks to the joys of alcohol and one thing leads to another...

So I do the completely dishonourable and ditch the missus of 4 years. For the last 5 months we have still been in touch and I see her quite often but things are strained. She said she still loves me and obviously misses me a lot.

Anyway the new missus is a few years younger (still got the skills to pay the bills, er maybe not) and me trying to justify to myself I had done the right thing only picked the good things about her to compare about the bad things of the ex. Bingo tricked myself into believing it was the right thing. Nice one SJS!

A week in the new one says she's split up with her now ex to be with me, oh fan-fucking-tastic. 2 x 4 year relationships ruined thanks to a few too many beers...

Roll on 4 months later. Ex misses me like crazy and says she thinks it best we don't ever see each other again. Uh-oes... I'd been thinking about her a lot over the last couple weeks and desperately didn't want that. So one thing led to another and cue an evening of at it like rabbits on Saturday just gone.

So what do I do now? I really want to make it work again with the ex and the new lass is also going to be devastated. She lives nearby and will probably key my car or poisin my hamsters or something in revenge.

The grass is always greener syndrome. Well let me tell you now it isn't. If you think you're onto something better actually stop and take stock of what you've got. A cracking lass who is caring, good looking, thoughtful, remembers dates of birthdays of my relatives which I should damn well know by now, cooks well and is 100% (fact) devoted but who lives 130 miles away. It wouldn't have been easier to make my mind up since the current other half is on at me all the time, I get to work and she pops up on msn, I get home she pops up on msn "shall I come round?". Aaaaaargh! No! Give me some space!

So any advice? Honesty the best policy? She can't exaclty be all that mad considering she said she got back with her now ex 3-4 times in their relationship. She seemed happy to play the role of cheating wascally weasel with my now defunct previous relationship but I don't think she is going to take it that well now the tables have just turned against her...

"We need to talk..."
(Stanlington Jobsworthy Smythe Last skived off work on, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 15:58, Reply)

We didn't talk :(
We needed to talk after the first night we snogged, when I realised I didn't want to go out with him in the slightest. But we didn't.

We needed to talk after four months of pure misery because he was a lanky, spotty, egotistical, vain and stupid twat, and I'd rather have dated Compo from Last of the Summer Wine (yes I know he is dead) than him. But we didn't.

We really needed to talk when he admitted he liked mastrubating with his (male) best mate. But we didn't.

We REALLY REALLY needed to talk when I walked into his bedroom to find him wearing my black, sparkly, clingy cocktail dress, with my sparkly hairclips in his long girly hair and with what can only be described as a look of camp indignance on his face.

Moral: always have important talks at the first possible instance otherwise your best dress will be ruined.
(Northern Lovely, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 15:41, Reply)

Well I for one like this QOTW
It does seem to have run out of steam though. Possible reasons:

1) B3tards never get dumped (pffft!).
2) B3tards never form relationships (more likely?)
3) B3tards have "we have to talk" stories but evey time they try to write them they cry on their keyboards.
4) Most stories about the end of relationships are long and tragic, not short and funny (like all the best QOTW answers).
5) Profit (Ha! Main board humour, always* funny)

* rarely
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 15:34, Reply)

this has
nothing to do with the question. but it has to be said.
you know last week, where the guy posts about you bum/hip poke the girl whilst lying awake with a massive boner.
i went one better.

i just used her hand. no sense in waking up the poor french girl. she's tired.
le sorted.
(quibble, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 15:29, Reply)

Bird Table
was chopping down a tree yesterday with an axe. all manly i was. unfortunately the newly bought and placed (by HER!) bird table was shaken loose and twatted me on the head.

thank fuck for HER and my future of not being in prison that she didn't say "we need to talk" while i was thrashing the shit out of said new bird table and everything within a two metre radius. with an axe.
(hatofjam built a friend out of lego on, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 15:06, Reply)

Cthonic,
We need to talk.

This is possibly the worst QOTW ever. Please clear your desk.
( sprinkles ITS AN ISLAND, morron, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 14:44, Reply)

In AD 2007
Relationship problems was beginning. I don't know what happen, maybe somebody set up us the bomb? Then I get email.

I was all like, what! Main screen turn on.

It's my best mate!! How are you apeloverage - all your girlfriend are belong to us.

You are on the way to destruction you bastard.

What you say!!

You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha ha ....

Apeloverage?!

Take off every 'Zig'!! You know what you doing. Move 'Zig'. For great justice.

That showed them.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 14:36, Reply)

Tonight
I've got to have a talk with my housemates - our tenancy agreement ends in July and I'm not going to renew it. Think I might just be honest and say "it's not you, it's me...I'd rather spend my weekends drinking, taking drugs, listening to blues and talking about post-theism than watching American Idol".

I love my housemates (on the most part) but honestly...
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 14:19, Reply)

When I got pregnant at 17
The message was when I got trapped in the very conversation I was dreading was that I didn't have a choice as to what I wanted to do. They (being Mother, Stepfather, father of the child, his parents) said to me : We have to talk. We'll set a date for the wedding as soon as possible so people don't realise you're getting married BECAUSE you are pregnant, that way the local Rotary Club will give you their best wishes, and we'll still keep you in our Will for the inheritance. I had no input into the conversation whatsoever.

It took me 2 years to fuck off from the Isle of Wight and from them all. Control Freak Bastards !
( Tiggy the diver, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 14:11, Reply)

Not "we need to talk" but close.
Long story short - I said "can we talk?" and broke it to her. None of that "it's me not you", just "you're not happy, I'm not happy, let's not be unhappy". She told me to clear off, so I did (to the pub of course). She wanted to talk a few days later, so we did. She took full responsibility for our relationship problems (which is fair, cos she was horrible) and said she wanted to work it out. I said no thanks. She said "I'll walk away now if you don't want to be with me". I said okay, but she just sat back down again. Finally got her to leave by saying I'd think things through and talk to her that night at my house. Nothing changed in my mind, so later I told her the same thing again. She pleaded, cried, sat on my lap and tried to kiss me...in the end I said "right, you're really pissing me off now, please leave". She did, and I went to the pub.

Found out recently that she shagged a friend of mine while we were together. Makes me suspect that she was knocking off a couple more of her "just friend" male friends. This from a girl who freaked out about every female friend of mine (and for the record I never even kissed another girl while we were together).

Even though she clearly couldn't stand being with me (clues: lying, cheating, moving out of my house, blanking me for days on end, slagging off my parents, my brother and my friends to me when they'd been nothing but nice to her), when faced with the prospect of losing me she suddenly made the effort to keep me. The fact that she expected it to work just confirms to me how detached from reality she was.

So yeah. Make of that what you will. I've had a year of sheer happiness since then. Best talk I've ever had to be honest :)
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 14:05, Reply)