In my first year of senior school
We had a female English teacher. I won't give her name or I may have lible suits headed my way.

She seemed ordinary enough, taught us english and drama. She was not a strict teacher, that is to say we used her lessons to piss around, and all seemed well. There were a few lesbian rumours flying round about her, but there was no proof to them.

Until...
One day she asked one of the 'naughty kids' to do a detention with her one break time for some minor crime or other. She left the room for some reason or other, and rather foolishly left her suitcase on her desk. This was practically an open invitation for naughty to have a quick look inside.

By all accounts, he found a large series of pictures featuring a woman fucking a dead moose .

Considering who this was coming from, I took his account with a pinch of salt, but it was corroborated wiht others. I began to believe in her dark, dark secret when she showed us the film 'walkabout', which for those of you who don't know it is essentially just an excuse for Jenny Agutter getting naked a lot. We were eleven at the time, and she seemed to be enjoying herself altogether too much.

She left later that year. I learned from that, and another more chilling story I have to tell you later, never to ignore the rumours flying around about a teacher.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 13:15, Reply)

Public school...
during the 70s I went to a minor provincial independent school - I was a day boy but there were boarders too.

Tom Peters - English teacher - was a barking mad Welshman, six foot four with a booming voice. He was also a raving bender in a very macho sense. He had a collection of whips. When handing in late work you had to go to his room. He'd snatch the papers out of your hand & then the game was to run like fuck down the stairs while he reached for a 5 foot whip hanging on the wall and tried to crack it over the back of your head & neck as you scarpered below. He never hit me, but I had mates who got a bleeding ear a few times. He also used the cane quite a bit - he'd make you drop your trousers first, mind, & then get very excited if you had coloured pants on. (He used to cane with one hand in his pocket...)

He was also in charge of the swimming pool. (I'm sure the thought of being surrounded by young boys in trunks never crossed his mind, oh no.) A couple of boarders told me that after summer term had ended they had to stay on for a couple of days waiting for their flights home abroad. Tom roped them in to helping clean out the pool. Once the water was drained out he showed them his party trick - standing in the shallow bit he (accurately) cracked a 25 foot bullwhip & smashed upturned flowerpots lined up on the edge of the deep end. They said it was awesome to watch.

He was apparently quite wealthy, owning huge amounts of land in Wales, but he lived a hermit-like existence in one room at the school. He's still going, I think, though he must be in his eighties now. He never actually shagged any of us while I was there, but we were told he was *fairly* active in the 50s & 60s. People just don't believe me when I tell them about him. My god, social services would have a field day now!

He was just one among a group of totally eccentric nutters on the staff. I'll post up some more later.
( Dunks, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 11:02, Reply)

I had one called Mrs. Strange
... and true to her name she was a right cow.

She called me names ("daydreamer") when I couldn't get my stories finished and locked me in the swimming pool shed one day because I was too slow. She dragged naughty kids around by their hair. This was to 5- and 6-year-olds.


hmm yes not particularly interesting this one is it. Apoligies. It is true, but.
(brazzin, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 10:56, Reply)

I can't believe I forgot this guy
I wasn't at this school long - but what I do remember mostly consists of the joint-headmaster.

Who kept cows. At the school. On the playing fields.

I pity the poor other schools we played football against. A quick shoulder-barge through a cow-pat reduced even the hardiest to tears.
( chthonic, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 10:34, Reply)

Mr Parker...
Used to unicycle around the Physics lab singing Tom Lehrer's song about the Periodic Table.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 10:07, Reply)

A few years ago,
I went to college as a "mature student" - 6th form college, and I was 21.
Went into a certain GCSE class one day to discover I'd snogged the teacher the week before.
That was a good year...............
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 9:19, Reply)

RE
What is it with RE teachers?
Ours used set us a reading exercise and then just sit there listening to the cricket on the radio .
We had another RE teacher who looked like Penfold from Dangermouse
We also wound up a supply teacher over a period of six months so much that he ended up in a mental hospital
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 9:14, Reply)

chemistry teacher
Well i were a young lad of about 15 and upon walking into chemistry class at the beginning of one year we meet Mr Truong.

He tells us all we need to know about chemistry is "a cat". Spurred on by our blank looks no doubt he illustrated his point on the blackboard. You know how you can draw those really dumb cats with an M on top of an O on top of a Q.

M
O
Q

He didn't explain why this was, just told us that it was so! I dropped out of chemistry later that year.
(jingadingdangdo, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 8:32, Reply)

Chemistry
Our evil, hyper, bald, ex-army chemistry teacher always found an interesting way to present the subject at hand.

Picture a class of twenty students watching in disbelief as the science of electroplating is demonstrated.

On a goldfish in a bowl, projected on a large overhead viewing screen.

'Copperfish' he called it.
(StateOfGlee, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 6:54, Reply)

Uncle Dennis...
.. was the nickname of my grammar school headmaster, as if you were had up before him for wrongdoings, would be kindly and offer you tea, biscuits, and sympathy.

However, during his year sabbatical from the headship, he brutally bludgeoned his wife to death at home with a spanner, then attempted to make it look like a botched burglary knowing full well his teenage kids would be home to discover the body later that day.
Uncle Dennis was nabbed within twelve hours as someone thought it strange that he had come into school especially to visit the incinerator (bloodied clothes), and then the local council rubbish tip (the weapon).
He pleaded guilty within 24 hours of police questioning and was sent down for four and a half years for aggravated manslaughter. This small sentence may or may not have something to do with the fact that he was a justice of the peace, and had been a tennis half blue at Cambridge.

Apparently on release from chokey he married his probation officer, and then lived his last years in Paris.

The fact that no post traumatic disorder counselling, nor real sympathetic explanation, was given to any of us at school (i was 17 at the time), may possibly be the reason that according to the entries for this school on friendsreunited.co.uk, a very large percentage of former students from this period now live overseas.

After Dennis got banged up, his former office became known by us as "The Toolshed".
(Man in Japan, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 4:02, Reply)

weird teachers
we had a temporary teacher at my school, during my a-levels.

she was a nice enough woman, just not of this world. i remember one time, she spent 5minutes looking for her pencil...when it was behind her ear.

the best thing was though that my friend told her that she went to orgies and lesbian sex meet-ups with my sister and this teachers *believed* her. she used to keep her behind after classes and ask her to divulge all the gory details about what my sister and her got up to. i believe she also asked her how "one got into these meetings" - particularly worrying!

funniest thing was though that my friend neglected to tell my sister what she had said and my sis spent the next term wondering why the hell this crazy teacher was blathering on about lesbian orgies to her!
(Nos coeurs cocaine Montparnasse Le mix de gelée vodka et le beat, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 3:46, Reply)

Mr. Riley
..not exactly a weird teacher, but a weird background. He was apparently a mercenary before getting into teaching and once worked for the sultan of ahman (dunno if that's spelt write). We used to picture him running through jungles, shooting from the hip whilst listening to "The Life of Riley" by Lightning Seeds
(Pigpen was 'ere on, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 1:47, Reply)

Spy like antics..
Almost forgot about this one!

One of the teachers in my high school managed to lock all of his class' completed exam papers in a small office. Not wanting to break the door in any way (as it would render the exams null and void), he decided to climb into the celing from the room next door, crawl through the small gap and get into the office 'James Bond style'.
He actually managed to fall through into the office, breaking his spine. After being rescued by the fire service, and air lifted to hospital....The exams were nullified, because the fire service had to smash the door in to save him!

Ah well, at least he tried!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 1:41, Reply)

English department..
The English teachers in my school were the wierd ones!
One, was a drunk. We found his whiskey stash when he was out of the room....We stole it.
Another, was a bloke who wanted to be a woman. He would hand out reading parts to the plays we were studying, all the male roles went to lads....and the one female role in the scene (despite half of the class being female), he kept for himself.....everytime!

Oh yea, we had a Music teacher who had 'relations' with a male student in the year below me....He didn't work there much longer! But the less said of that the better!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 1:23, Reply)

Oh look, more lesbian paedos
Not my own teacher but my Mum's -
She attended an all-girls school where it was well known among the students that the Headmistress and the Gamesmistress were an item. They were in the habit of inviting pupils to their weekend cottage as a 'treat'-

for the teachers, obviously.
(Plyck, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 0:12, Reply)

weirdest teacher
back home (the manchester ghettos) i'll always remember this one teacher....

he listened to us, we listened to him..
the lessons were interesting
everyone learnt something
we kind of respected him and felt the feeling was reciprocated.

fucking weirdo.
(inspoken, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 23:48, Reply)

My weirdest teacher
I once had a teacher whose name I have forgotten. I'm sure he had alzheimer's. He was a typical science teacher with a bowl haircut and nerdy glasses. I remember one incident where a girl had forgotten her homework. Now, most teachers would ask why and possibly give a detention, not this nutbag. He grabbed the huge wooden ruler and slammed it on his desk yelling THEN YOU SOULD BE SPANKED! Worrying. Another time, a guy was dicking aroud at the back, so Mr. Psycho physics teacher launched a test tube at him! I was lucky enough to move to a different school after that, but, according to my friend, the students and teachers signed a petetion to get rid of him. He was nuts.
( Brown cow, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 23:45, Reply)

Mr. Nicholson
An Ape-like, enormously Hairy PE teacher, specialising in Rugby and shouting loudly at the wimpy boys. One day someone spyed his Lunchbox, and protruding from it was a bunch of Bananas, which at some point in the games lesson "Went Missing." Cue Furious, ape like PE teacher screaming "WHO STOLE BY BLOODY BANANAS!" Which continued every break and lunchtime for a week, as he put the whole year into detention.

We never did find out who did it, but on the final day of term his desk was found buried under a huge pile of bananas, which every boy in the year had donated towards.
(bazmataz, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 23:18, Reply)

Ooh, let's see...
In year 3 I had a techer called Mrs. Spill, who claimed that she was a witch - spill/spell, geddit?

It was quite an old school, and she used to threaten to magic misbehaving students up through the loft hatch in the high ceiling. When she was in a good mood though, she reassured us that she would never dream of it - the PTA would simply be too cross!

My GCSE maths teacher would make huge and insane jumps of "reasoning" - for example:

OK, here we see that y clearly equals x+3. But we don't like that 3, so we're going to change it into a minus 19! Now then, this proves that x equals y and q [which hasn't been mentioned up 'til now] is simultaneously greater than, less than, equal to and not equal to 3,497.12. But because mathematicians are bone idle, we're just going shorten that to 3. Which we don't like...

And so it went on. How I got an A is beyond me.

My current maths teacher is a bit of an oddball, too - one morning somebody had tunred out the lights outside his classroom and he was walking around on tiptoe in the slightly darkened corridor making ghost noises. I have to salute him though for his method of teaching the Modulus Function, as the Happy House! Whatever you put in, it comes out positive! It makes things happy!

Oh, and my old chemistry teacher, too - rather short guy who freely admits to having been called "cabbage features" at school. Just before the exams, he was getting so worried that we hadn't learned enough that he would emit these short, strangled screams whenever anybody said anything wrong, and frequently just out of nerves when they got it right!

I'm sure there are more, but I won't keep you with them today...
( Albert the Mildly Deranged purveyors of nothing much since a year or two ago, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 21:03, Reply)

where to start...
lets see, french teacher, mr.Ash AKA: Captain Flash. Laminates everything that isn't fast enough to escape, appears to polish his V.shiny bald spot, once had to leave a class as his face started bleeding (no joke), once told a pupil to "sort their life out" one week after his wife left him, and perhaps most memorably, before coming to the school was arrested by the KGB for trying to smuggle bibles into Russia.
Then there's the physics teacher (Doc Evans) whose degree is in chemistry, is a complete tramp, favourite saying is "not my problem" to anything implying he has to give the slightest of a damn, his trousers once 'randomly' fell down in the lesson as the string holding them up broke.
Mr.Owen, latin teacher, over 40, reportedly still lives with his mum, made himself a millionare on the stock market,has a strange affiliation with the dummies used for life-saving practice and the toy sheep in his class-room.
Our Librarian (actual name of Mrs Allen, affectionately refered to as "The Witch"), grey hair,must be at least 50, saaaaaggy tats, once asked if i had any toy guns she could borrow as she and her mister enjoy going to "conferences" dressed as characters from the Matrix...
REALLY nice physics teacher (hence no name given),bears scary resemblance to the demon headmaster, once been witnessed to say "gents" more than 100 times in a 40 min period.
funnily enough, my school's meant to be one of the best in the country...hmmm...
(asme, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 20:28, Reply)

She pretends
That she is dependant on a zimmer frame, even though we've all seen her leap onto tables, and pretend to sword fight during our lessons.

She could never remember my name, instead calling me 'Madam Butterfly'.

One day, when I forgot my lines, she lobbed a biro at my head, and sent me out for being insolent.

Sigh.
(Nearly, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 19:50, Reply)

Smithers
My last geography teacher, Mr Smythe (I use the term teacher loosely. He was more a plaything for us.) Anyway, being 5ft 4" and very sweaty, he was obviously a soft target for a class of heartless young hoons such as ourselves. Highlights include: the turban incident; the time we bought him deoderant for his birthday and, when he would not accept it, promptly sprayed the whole can over him; the 6ft 3" anarchist Blair, picking him up and running out of the room with him, announcing he would save poor smithers from the Tsunami diagram he had drawn on the board; and, finally, the time HE smacked a cricket ball out of the nets right onto the head of the lankiest, most unpopular boy in the school, who cried for a good hour afterwards.

Needless to say, he "resigned" last year. Looking back on him, whilst I do feel a huge amount of guilt, he did provide a very convenient outlet for the more creative in our class. Less weird, more entertaining.
(Barbara, they're stealing our towels!, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 19:29, Reply)

Scary as hell but funny too...
Had a history teacher called mr simson (i think) who cant be described in any other way than legendary.

The story ends in him haveing a mental breakdown and him leaving. but the lead up to this was soo funny.

1) after requesting that someone stops fidling with their pencil case and them carrying on, he launced it 200m out the window, in the rain

2) During and argument with a pupil, he threw thir pencil case at them

3) During an argument with a pupil he threw a chair across the room

Final straw) After loosing temper with a pupil he grabbed said pupil by the neck, pinned him against the wall and threatened him, then dragged him to reception by the neck, then opened the doors at reception with pupil's head, threw pupil on the floor and commanded receptionist to send the pupil home.

this happened this side of 2000.

was an awsome teacher though :P



also, had a physics teacher who would complain that his wife wasnt sexualy active anymore, and who would leave the room to sulk in his office if people talked too much.

oh yeah, the length remains
( The Flaming Ibanez Awww, c'mon, Japanese girls do it!, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 19:20, Reply)

Latin teacher
Once had a latin teacher who thought she was God's gift to mankind. Except she was very fat and very ugly. I only had her for one year, when I was 11, and didn't learn a single thing about Latin. She spent every lesson telling us about all the blokes she had chatted up over the weekend and how young and gorgeous they all think she looks. One lesson she showed us all her new belly button ring (which she actually had to find among the rolls of flab).

She finally got the sack when she taught the year 11s the completely wrong syllabus and they all failed their GCSE.
(georgia, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 18:08, Reply)

ive had some
I have an R.E. teacher who is strangely relaxed all the time, whatever happens. I have seen psyical fights in his class, but he does nothing but sit at his desk. He shows no facial expression except a small smirk here and there, and his lessons consist of video tapes from channel five. His face looks like it has been moulded in an 8-year olds' pottery class too. I just know one day he will have a nervous break down or just implode on the vacuum of emotions inside him.

I have a teacher who is teaches both maths and PE, who is also a bouncer and often seen on the local highstreet. I no longer have him for PE or maths, but he used to tell us the stories of what happened the friday before on monday lessons. His stories included women smashing bottles over his head, pansy fights and wrestling moves.

I had a psycho form tutor once. He had good taste in music (he played the offspring BACKWARDS whenever i had a detention with him), but did not care one little bit about public safety. He used to tip bunsen burners on their sides then light them on full power instead of using the central heating in the mornings, which was fine, but it pointed at me and the person next to me sitting in front of him. It was as scary as hell (although comfortingly warm). He once smashed a clock on a pupil, and the school did nothing about it (they ack physics teacher - which he was). the person should have taken further action...

Another P.E. teacher i knew started "seeing" a history/photography teacher i know. It started on the school ski trip (everyone knew something was going on when they held hands and walked off down some back alley when we went ice skating), but they have since been spotted outside of school a few times. The history/photography teacher is married.
(ErrorCarriedForward, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 18:00, Reply)

Mentalist mathematics teacher
One of our maths teachers was on the cusp of a nervous breakdown and I think our year (and specifically our class) may have been responsible for pushing him over the edge.

This does not make me feel particularly good about myself.

His repertoire included, but was by no means limited to :

- Colouring each panel of the blackboard a different colour, then turning round and roaring at the class "NOW DO YOU SEE?"

- Hanging a wall-clock at random points around the room. During the lesson. Continuously. For weeks.

- Found rocking on his heels in the hallway after his desk had been reversed (drawers put on the side facing away from him) and he'd run out of the class.

He was found wandering the school grounds in his pyjamas at stupid o'clock in the morning a few months later. Poor fucker got sectioned as I recall.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 17:49, Reply)

Porn Star
An attractive, fresh from college, chemistry teacher came to our school. As young gentlemen discovering the hidden delights of the opposite sex through the printed media, we happened to come across the most convincing pornalike...

Needless to say rumour of this spread rapidly, we got detention and a series of stand in teachers until the next term when we were taught by an ugly old man. I wish we had thought things through...
( mazurka wants two's up on your mum., Sat 12 Nov 2005, 17:48, Reply)

Chemistry teacher.
Well known for causing fires, but two instances spring to mind (though these not entirely her fault).

1- some students had (god knows why) made a small fire in a sink at the back of the lab with bits of paper. "Turn that bunsen burner off now!" she yells, storms to the back of the class, and turns off (on!) the gas tap closest to the "bunsen burner"
WOOSH! *Eyebrowless*

2- Someone drops something hot in the waste paper bin, which promptly catches alight. She grabs a fire extinguisher, and aims it at the bin, and fires. For some reason, she can't turn the extinguisher off, so we end up with a cloud filling teh whore room, and 1/4 of an inch of white asthma inducing "snow" covering the floor. 1 whole fire extinguisher later, the bin was still on fire...
(matthyaouw, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 15:20, Reply)

RE Teacher
There's an RE teacher at our school who is terrified of Dime Bars, because of her own pretentiousness.

You see, a few years ago a friend of a friend was rummaging in his bag for something, and laid a Dime Bar on the table. Teacher, under the impression that he is going to eat it in the lesson, steals the chocolate and thinks "Hey! I should punish him by eating this in big mouthfuls too big to swallow! That'll show him..."

She now owes her life to the Heinrich Maneuver, and a popular prank is shouting "DIME BARS!" in her lesson.
(00tinytim00, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 14:52, Reply)

A few from my high school.
Stansfeld: Languages "teacher". Those who know him, know what I mean.

He was constantly shaking ever so slightly, and when roused into anger by such heinous crimes as Staring Out The Window, would send you outside then follow in short order to administer an earbashing and dose of severe halitosis. An effective punishment if not exactly for the reasons he thought it was.

He also had VERY greasy hair, passed into legend by typically childish humour using "gras" (french for grease) in every conceivable sentence. Oh, and once took us halfway across Paris on a school trip at a quick-march pace only to find the sodding insides-on-the-outside building was shut. He really thought he was something special, couldn't understand why no-one took him seriously.

Mr. Carter: Short-lived RE teacher, had an air of the vicarly about him - not sure if he actually was one. Said "Right boys" a lot, myself and a friend counted 43 incidents in a 35 minute period once.

Mrs. Rowat: English teacher, scottish, presumed lesbian (with some rumoured corroborating stories). Myself and a friend (may have been the same one, oddly enough) worked out when her time of the month was, and invariably got away with 3 out of 4 weeks' slacking when others copped an earful for it.

Mrs. Bartlett: IT/Maths "teacher". Seriously, seriously misplaced. Easily baffled and taught by reading what the textbook said - replied "look up the answers" if asked a question.

Mrs. Stockton: Fat fuck of a teacher, all the personality of a dead marmoset - once caught a lad eating a pork pie and asked "Is that a PIIIIEEEEEEEE?" with such enthusiasm (apparently at the thought of confiscating and eating, one would have thought) that this phrase passed into the repertoire of basic insults at the school - choruses of PIIIIIEEEE were heard whenever she passed.

There were more, but I'll put them up if I can be arsed later.
(TheHorseWithSteelFrame Self-referencing comment in the third person, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 14:50, Reply)